“Again,” he whispers and I hear Poppy and my brother sneak away per Poppy’s instruction.
I do it once more and he gets closer.
“Just once more.” His voice is so quiet, his eyes so focused, his brows furrowed.
“Why?” I ask quietly, and gasp when his hand slides over my ass, grips it tight and yanks my body tight against his.
He doesn’t explain with words, he doesn’t tell me that he wants me. He doesn’t need to. The way he is handling me says it all. And I’m not about that. I’m not going to be his toy, not anymore.
My hand stings when I slap him, sending his face to the side. Nobody has ever touched me there before.
“Not on your life, Kane Jessop,” I hiss in his ear and shove him away from me. “Not if you were the last man on earth.”
“OOOOOOH!” Ren and two others cry. “BURRRN!”
Kane tenses and I burn with a raging fire.
“God,” I growl as his friends appear from around the side of the trailer. This was all for show, it was all for them. “I fucking despise you, Kane Jessop.”
“PRUDENCE SWORE! SHE FUCKING SWORE!” Ren cries dramatically. “My dick is so hard right now.”
One of his buddies pushes him onto me but I move out of the way and run after my brother, letting Kane’s heated blue gaze burn into my back.
“COME BACK HERE PRUDENCE!” Ren calls dramatically and in jest. “COME BACK AND SWEAR FOR ME AGAIN!”
That was mortifying.
Poppy throws her arms around my neck, forcing me to dance with her in the thick of around thirty other teens. Some I know, some I don’t. I drink another beer and shoot another shot. My body moves to the music naturally despite the fact I’ve never danced like this.
It’s freeing. It’s crazy. I can’t believe I’m here and I’m doing this.
“YASSSSS QUEEN!” Poppy screams for no apparent reason and everyone raises their fist to the starry night sky.
Best night of my life so far. Minus the Kane part.
And also minus the Maisy part that follows when my brother and Poppy vanish and I need to use the toilet, I brave going alone. Big mistake.
“Look at you trying to fit in,” Maisy calls as she follows me away from the crowd with two of her girls. She’s dressed to impress that’s for sure. She’s wearing the shortest skirt I ever saw and a top that ties around her neck leaving her entire back bare. I can see a piercing on her naval. I always wanted one of those. “Update, it didn’t work.”
I ignore her and continue on, frustrated when she rushes ahead and blocks my way to the trailer toilet.
“Maisy,” I say, exasperated. “I’m just trying to enjoy my night.”
“And I’m just trying to protect my boyfriend from weird little Mormons like you.”
I shake my head gently and try to step around her but she moves directly into my path.
“I seen the way you look at him.” She sneers, giving me a distasteful glance up and down like I’m dirt on her shoe and she’s wondering how best to remove me.
“I don’t look at him.” I try again to step around her but again she blocks my path, this time putting us chest to chest. I’m happy to confirm that I have better titties than she does.
Unfortunately in my drunken stupor I fail to see the hand she raises and puts to my throat. I choke dangerously when she shoves me over by my throat only. I land on my back with a painless thud, though it certainly knocks the wind out of me.
“Stay away from Kane,” she states around a laugh and they walk away, high fiving each other. They call me names as they walk away like words are supposed to hurt me right now.
I stay like this, winded and tired and drunk, just looking at the sky, wishing I was anywhere else. Well… I definitely don’t wish to be at Mee-maws. My stomach churns when I think about going home to be beaten, made to do no end of chores, have my money taken and my new clothes tossed in the trash.
No. My drunken brain doesn’t want that any more than my sober brain does.
I’d rather die.
Yes. I would genuinely rather die than go back there.
I stand up on wobbly legs and almost fall again. I am way too drunk, yet my brain has never made so much sense. This could all be over in a heartbeat. I could escape this reality. I could escape these people and this abysmal life. I could flee it all. In death.
But how? What’s the best way? A tall building? I live in the middle of fucking nowhere. There’s a cliff but it’s miles away. I could get Grandpa’s gun and shoot myself. That would be quick and it would probably make a mess in Mee-maw’s kitchen. Revenge and freedom all in one package.
But then that would look like a choice. It would look like I meant to do it. That would hurt my brother, Poppy… I don’t want them to hurt. It’d be better if it looked like an accident.
I can’t swim. I can’t swim.
There’s a dock half a mile down the way, it has a couple of rickety looking rowboats that fishermen use from time to time. I don’t know how to row a boat but I’m sure I can learn. It doesn’t look too complicated.
My feet move me in that direction and my heart begins to race, especially when the trees and brush put me out of sight of the party. It’s so dark here, I can hardly see where I’m going.
This is the best idea I’ve ever had in my entire life.
I almost feel excited. I wouldn’t have to be brave or strong anymore. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated and come back in a better home. Maybe I’ll just vanish entirely. Anything is better than this. Anything.
I pick up the pace, running now, a low branch slices across my cheek and the tears that fall from my eyes sting the shallow wound. I stumble and fall twice but pick myself up quickly. I don’t look back. I don’t have regrets.
I’m not even scared of this. I’m more scared of life.
The trees clear and I see the boats attached to the jetty. I start to walk, out of breath, and approach the wood that holds the rope keeping the rickety little boats in place. I untie it and wrap it around my arm. The boat rocks side to side, just looking at it is making me nauseous.
My adrenaline spikes, my heart is racing, beating a fast rhythm in my throat. I could actually do this. I could actually get in this boat, let myself float out and just drop in. Hot tears fall and my teeth chatter. I try to convince myself otherwise because my brother will miss me, but really he’s all I have and he’s never around anymore. I’m a burden to him. He’d be free without me. All I do is disappoint him with how weak I am. He tells me all the time that I’m weak, that I need to be stronger but how can I be stronger than I am?
The mind isn’t a bicep. Mine is deteriorating. I’m tired, so tired. Not just of life but of sleep too. Of the nightmares, of the guilt, of the feeling that nobody truly loves me for me. Not even my brother.
I look around and nod. I’m resolute.
This is the best decision for everyone.
“Okay,” I whisper and put one foot in the boat. “I can do this.”
Fear is such a heady, consuming feeling. It’s natural to fear an element you can’t conquer. But my fear of living beats it until it’s nothing and I sit down and shuffle until my legs are over the wooden edge and my foot is touching the wobbling vessel.
Tears are still soaking my cheeks despite my lack of feeling. That could be the alcohol but really I think I’m just numb to life now.
“What are you doing?” Kane’s voice cuts through the silence. It really is quite silent out here. Beautiful too.
I grit my teeth and pull my foot out of the boat. “Why are you here?”
“Followed you,” he admits, his voice deep and gruff.
I climb unsteadily to my feet and glower at him. His blue eyes are so vibrant, even in the dark. Maybe Maisy was right, maybe I do look at him in a weird way.
“Why?” I ask, forcing my anger through my tone. “Why must you always, always bother me? I don’t do anything to you.”
He lights a cigarette between his lips and smirks at m
e as smoke blows from his mouth. “Wanted to see your panties.”
“You know what? Fine,” I snarl. “You want to see my panties? I’ll show you. I’ll show you every single fucking inch of me if it means you’ll leave me alone!” I yank up my crop top, forgetting that I don’t have a bra on underneath and his cigarette falls from his mouth and lands on the moist earth. The warm, balmy air hits my breasts and my nipples immediately tighten.
I drop the top beside his dead cigarette and stand in front of him naked from the waist up.
“More?” I ask, slurring. “Want me to take these off? Want to see my panties?”
He stares at me, dumfounded, eyes wide and on my tits, lips parted and dry.
“I’m not wearing any panties,” I whisper and he gulps. His throat bobs with it.
When I pop open the button, uncaring about anything right now, his demeanor changes. He seems to shake himself free of whatever stupor I put him in. With a quick move he scoops up my top and throws it at me. I manage to catch it against my chest.
“Put your shirt back on,” he demands, scowling at me.
“You asked to see,” I argue, holding it tight like a shield. “You asked. You always asked!”
“To piss you off!” he yells, looking at me as though I’m nothing. “Not because I actually wanted to fucking see you. Christ, Imogen, I’m not that desperate.” He picks up his cigarette and throws it in the lake, then he pops another one between his lips and lights it. “But if you’re desperate for a bit of me, Immy, I wouldn’t mind getting my cock sucked.”
I pull my top back on and level him with a glare. “Go on then. Get it out.”
He snorts and inhales his cancer stick. “Naw, you’ll fuckin’ bite it.”
“What is there to bite though? Heard you’re smaller than my pinky.”
“We both know that ain’t true.”
“Could’a been a candy bar in your pocket,” I retort, referring to the trailer. “Didn’t feel all that big to me.”
“You felt many cocks to know what’s big and what’s not?” The way he says the word cock has me wanting to see it even more. This started out as a bravado and a bluff but now I think I’m being serious.
What am I doing?
I turn away from him. “Fuck off, Kane. Go back to your party and your girlfriend.”
“Jealous?” he asks, sounding arrogant and snide.
God, I hate him.
“I could not give a crap,” I reply and walk towards my boat that hasn’t drifted too far. Grabbing the rope, I tug it gently back. “Go away.”
“What are you doing out here, Immy?” he asks, his tone serious now, unlike before.
“Killing myself.” I step into the wobbly vessel and almost fall but after a few seconds I find the courage to move and sit on a narrow plank. I push away from the dock but he steps on the rope I discarded, stopping me from floating away.
“Don’t say stupid shit like that,” he snaps, thick, perfect brows pulled together. He pushes a hand through his hair and grips it atop his head. “It’s not funny.”
I untie the rope from the boat and smile genuinely. “I’m not joking.”
“Sure you are,” he utters, watching me drift further away. “You wouldn’t be that much of an idiot.”
“Okay.” I watch as the lake gets wider around me. My heart isn’t beating anywhere near as fast as it was when I was half naked for the first time in front of a boy. But not just any boy, the boy I hate the most. “You don’t care though, right? So just walk away. When they find my body in a few days, they’ll say it was an accident because I can’t swim.”
He walks to the edge of the dock and glowers at me. “You’re not funny.”
“Not tryna be.”
“Come back here or I’m going to get your brother.”
“Why? You hate me right?” I question, teeth chattering again, eyes swimming with tears again, I don’t remember when they stopped for them to restart. “I’m ugly, stupid, disgusting, desperate, hated, just like my momma, unloved. Isn’t that alllll the shit you’ve told me through the years?”
“So what, you’re gonna kill yourself because of shit I say?” He looks perplexed, like he doesn’t know how to handle the situation and sadly, I’m so fucked up inside that I love it. I love that he’s watching me do this. I love that he’s doubting me. I love that he’ll see my last moments knowing he didn’t take me seriously. I want it to hurt him, I want him to feel it.
The power of knowing my decision tonight will haunt him forever only drives my resolve.
“Absolutely.” I reach for the oars, unsure on how to hook them on. “Go on, run along and tell people. By the time you get back it’ll be too late.”
“Imogen, come here,” he orders and the tone of his voice has me wanting to row back, just so I can punch him in his dick.
I manage to rig the oars to the rusted metal resting things, and then I start to row… badly. I turn in almost a full circle and feel a spike of rage when Kane laughs. He still doesn’t believe me and that only makes me want to do it even more. That’s how messed up I am. That’s how tangled I am inside.
When I feel I’m far enough out and the sparkling black water is glittering beneath me, I pull the oars in and touch the water with my hand. It’s freezing but I hardly feel it. I start to wonder if there are predators in here. Will I get bitten before I drown? Will I drown or will I miraculously learn to swim?
I look at the party in the distance and the dwindling fire. Everybody is leaving, it must be late.
“I’m not kidding,” he calls.
“Neither am I.” I stand up, hips aching as I try to keep balance.
“IMMY!” Kane barks, sounding panicked now. That’s unusual. Thought he didn’t care.
“Yes, Kane?”
“I’m leaving. You can throw your little temper tantrum by yourself.”
“Okay,” I reply. “See ya.”
I pinch my nose and ready myself. I can do this. Drowning isn’t painful I don’t think. It might make me panic but inevitably it’ll bring me peace. I hope so anyway. I’ve read about it. I’ve read about all kinds of different ways to die. I find it far more fascinating than I should.
I sway a little, lift one foot over the side of the boat as Kane walks away and my drunken state does the rest. My entire body hits the water and the cold immediately assaults my senses. My eyes sting, my mouth fills with salty fluid and I automatically grasp at the surface. My fingers splay as my feet kick and my entire body aches. I’ve never been in water like this before. It’s hard to move and the fact I’m drunk isn’t helping me at all. My body is heavy and the further I sink, the more I panic and the heavier I feel.
My lungs start to constrict painfully, and I start to change my mind. This isn’t painless. I’m not slipping away. This is torture. I don’t want to die, not like this. I want to run away. I want to see the world and leave this place behind. There’s got to be something for me out there. There’s got to be more.
And I’m not going to see it.
I’m not going to experience any of it.
I have nobody to blame but myself. I should have waited, I should have thought this through.
I try to scream but swallow water, and the dark murkiness claims me as the moon drifts further away. It is consuming, drowning, there’s pressure in my chest which feels like it’s crushing me. My stomach feels heavy and my throat is burning. I need to breathe. I need to breathe so badly but I can’t keep my eyes open.
So this is what death feels like.
“Fucking breathe, damn it!”
My body retches and water gushes out of my mouth and nose. Rough fingers push away my hair and the world spins around me when I open my eyes, which blur in and out of focus. I sit up slightly, slumping over somebody’s sodden thighs.
He hits me on my back, on my chest, everywhere until I can breathe relatively normal again.
I cling to the back of his wet T-shirt as he yanks me up to a more upright position.
We both fall and he gives up trying to lift me and rolls me onto my back. His finger and thumb pinch my cheeks painfully and he shakes me until I look into his glowing, furious blue eyes.
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” he yells, baring his teeth, water dripping on my face from his hair and his glistening skin. “Why the fuck would you even try it?”
I smile and then laugh humorlessly. “I told you I was gonna.”
“There are so many people in the world who would love your life.”
“Trust me, Kane,” I bite out, looking him directly in the eyes. “Nobody would love my life.”
“You’re fucked up.” He scans my face as though seeing me for the first time. “You’re so fucking mentally deranged. I swear you’re so—”
“Fucked up. You just said. Like I don’t already know.” My smile fades and my bottom lip trembles. “I’m drowning. I’m still drowning. Even though you pulled me outta that water, ain’t nothing gonna change. I’m still gonna be drowning and you’re not gonna be able to save me next time.”
He pushes away from me and stands, trying again to drag me to my feet. “Get your crazy-ass up.”
I flop when I right myself, unable to muster the energy to be present in this moment on two feet, but he catches me and starts rubbing my arms with his hands.
“What the fuck do you want from me?” he questions harshly. “You want me to stop asking to see your panties? Is that why you did this?”
“Not everything is about you!” I snarl, trying to push away but my heavy body can’t handle the weight. “I guess I’m just crazy.”
“Yeah y’are.” He hugs me when I start to tremble. A tender move for him. “We need to get warm.”
“I need to never go home again,” I admit, walking with his arm around my waist. “Ever.”
“Home life hard on you?”
“You have no idea,” I murmur, wondering why I’m telling him anything at all. He doesn’t care.
Vicious Page 9
