“Surely he didn’t—”
“I don’t know. They were at a party together last Friday and rumor has it they were quite close for the last couple of hours.”
I feel nauseous. “He wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“You sure?”
I don’t say I am because truthfully I’m not. If he really texted Micha what she says he did, the evidence is against him. Maybe I don’t know my brother as well as I thought I did.
“If anything had happened, Micha wouldn’t keep quiet about it.”
“You’re right,” she agrees. “That’s how I found out about the texts.”
“Did you see them on his phone or hers?”
“His,” she answers. “And he deleted the conversation the next morning while I was in the shower.”
“Oh my God.”
“I asked him if there’s anything he wanted to tell me and he was adamant there isn’t. I’m just waitin’ for him to tell the truth or not.”
“What are you going to do if he cheated?”
“I don’t know.” Tears fill her eyes. “It might kill me.”
I move to my friend and hug her. She accepts it but pulls back with a new smile on her face.
“Let’s enjoy ourselves,” she says with genuine enthusiasm. “I don’t want to ruin the night.”
“You couldn’t ruin it if you tried.”
If Matthew hurts her like that I will kill him myself.
She puts on such a brilliant mask that at some points even fools me. She seems genuinely happy until she thinks all eyes are off her and then her face falls and her worries claim her gorgeous smile. Still, I don’t probe her because I know it’s not what she wants or needs. What she needs is a great night with her best friend, her boyfriend who loves her, and a pretty dress to help make her feel special.
Mee-maw takes pictures of Marshall and I, who looks so good in a tailor-made suit and shiny shoes. His baby blue tie matches my dress and the corsage on my wrist. His parents join in, all of them making a huge deal out of this which is mortifying.
“They’re planning our wedding already,” Marshall whispers in my ear, making me snort unattractively.
“So sweet,” Mrs. Jones comments, loving the interaction between her son and me.
Thank fuck when it’s over.
We all pile into the limousine and pass around a bottle of gin that Marshall stashed after stealing it from his mom. It tastes like oranges, so yum. Though I don’t indulge too much because I want to be sober for Kane later. I don’t know what it is about going on long rides, but he’s always worked up afterwards. Some of the best sex we have ever had come after his bike rides. But I get it, feeling so powerful, that beast vibrating between your thighs. It’s the second-best highlight of my life riding my bike around when I can. I can’t wait to take it to college with me.
Thinking of Kane has me missing him. I’m still annoyed that he couldn’t come with me to homecoming. Especially after our win yesterday. Everybody is going, even Ren. I don’t know what his deal is.
Matthew and Poppy act every bit as in love as they usually act. But now I’m wondering how much of that is an act and I’m also panicking because I don’t want that to be me and Kane. I never want us to cheat on each other or hurt each other and then pretend like we’re happy when we’re not. I just always want to be happy with him.
Imogen: If I tell you I miss you will you laugh at me and call me an idiot?
Kane: Probably.
Kane: Your stupid party over yet?
Imogen: We haven’t even arrived. We’re still in the limo.
Kane: Of course Martian can afford to get you a fuckin limo.
Imogen: I don’t need a limo, Kane. I just need you.
Kane: You better mean that.
Imogen: I miss you.
Kane: Soft bitch.
I laugh quietly and bite my lip.
Imogen: STFU, you miss me too.
Kane: Yeah.
Marshall rolls his eyes at my Cheshire cat smile and I look at Poppy. “Kane loves me.”
“Duh.”
“He said it.”
“No way?”
I nod, still clutching my phone to my chest.
“Y’all are whacked. Who wants love when you can fuck anything you want?” Marshall comments.
Stupidly my brother laughs, holds up his hand to high-five Marshall and declares an enthusiastic, “Right?”
“Well if that’s how you really feel I guess we don’t have shit to say to each other anymore.” Poppy snarls, her mood souring in less than half a second and I don’t blame her.
“Come on, Pops,” Matthew tries but she’s bitter now and I know there’ll be no shaking her out of it. “I was just kiddin’.”
“Was you kiddin’ when you fucked Micha?”
He blanches and his jaw drops. “That’s not… it was…”
The atmosphere in the limo stills, there’s a pause, a big one, that doesn’t last long but its significance is oppressive.
Oh my God no.
“YOU FUCKED HER?” Poppy screeches and starts hitting him with her clutch. “Oh my God. Pull over. I’m going to be sick.”
“Matthew what the fuck?” I ask but he looks horrified. He just outed himself in his panic and didn’t even mean to.
“It was just—a mistake.”
“A mistake?” Poppy asks, hitting his arm again. “Fuck you Matthew!”
“Guys, calm down,” Marshall pleads and hits his hand against the divider. It rolls down and the driver’s eyes find us in the mirror. “Pull over.”
“We’re almost at the school,” he comments and Marshall nods, looking out the window. Sure enough we’re about to pull onto school grounds.
“How could you?” I snap at my brother who at least looks ashamed.
Poppy sobs quietly, hitting my brother with her bag whenever he tries to touch her.
“It was a mistake, Pops. I didn’t mean to.”
“You lied to my face.” Her mascara is down her cheeks, she’s not going to the party. Not at all. I know her. This night ended and it hasn’t even started yet. “I asked you!”
“I didn’t want to lose you,” he whispers as she downs two large gulps of the gin. I feel her pain and the need to numb it.
“No drinking in the car,” the driver warns. “Christ, you’re all underage.”
Marshall ignores him as Poppy takes another swig and passes the bottle to me. I screw the cap back on and hand it to Marshall who looks at me with concern. I shrug my shoulders and shift closer to him as the scene plays out between them and the car rolls to a stop.
“We’ve just been together for so long. Neither of us have been with other people. I just…” Matthew explains sadly.
“Maybe this is a conversation you should have in private,” Marshall suggests.
“I don’t ever want to talk about this.” Poppy sounds so drained and defeated.
But I get it. This is so out of the blue. If their relationship out of every relationship in the world can’t remain strong and faithful, the rest of us have no hopes at all.
“Not in private. Not ever.” She goes to open the door but Matthew yanks her back.
“Poppy, I made a mistake.” Matthew’s tortured whisper has my eyes filling with tears. He’s sorry, but he’s too late. Poppy won’t forgive him for this.
“So did I,” she spits back at him, glowering at him.
This time I grab her. “Fix your face,” I say, raising my chin. “Don’t let them see. Don’t give Micha the satisfaction.”
“Micha?” she scoffs a laugh. “I’m going to KICK HER FUCKING ASS!”
“Oh shit,” Marshall whispers and I wince when she opens the door and clambers out, shutting it hard on Matthews hand. He cries out, cursing and half screaming and by this point I’m just done.
I want to check on him, I want to ask him if he’s okay but I’m so mad I feel like he deserves the pain. He grits his teeth and climbs out, barking at me to stay out of his busines
s and relationship when I call him a fucking idiot. Marshall yanks me back and tells the driver to go around the block. He doesn’t want to go into the school while they’re fighting and I’m torn between wanting to follow them and wanting to pretend this isn’t happening.
“Please,” Marshall begs. “Let them deal. Be her support tomorrow.”
I nod and chew on my lip as my fingers tap against my thigh. This is so bad. Our entire group is about to implode. Or explode. And it’s going to bring everyone around us down with it.
“Are you okay?” Marshall asks and I rest my temple on his shoulder. “That was intense.”
“My brother is such an ass.”
“He done fucked up. Poppy is a great girl.”
I nod my agreement. “Micha is gonna get it.”
He chuckles a little though it falls flat.
“What would you do if Kane cheated on you?”
I bite on my lip again, my new comfort.
“Immy?”
“I’d never speak to him again,” I admit with a sad smile that definitely doesn’t move anything but my lips.
“Seriously? You wouldn’t even question him?” He doesn’t look as though he believes me.
“I’d walk away and never look back.”
“Take me with you, yeah?”
Smiling for real now I grin up at him. “Absolutely.”
26 years old
A week ago I put my past to rest. But I also didn’t. Because I ran away from it again only to be faced with it at every turn even worse than I was the first time. Everything triggers a memory. Everything brings me new pain.
It’s as though everything is so fresh and raw, even more than it was the first time because now I know how much pain I caused him but fuck if it isn’t better than the alternative. It’s better that he hates me for something so simple than to hate me for the truth.
“Babe, you gotta give a little. You’re fucking miserable,” Marshall utters sadly, his lips a flat line. “I can’t stand to see you this way.”
“I’m fine,” I lie, my default voice in play.
“Fuck you.”
“You’re gettin’ a potty mouth Marshall Jones.”
Grinning, he approaches and yanks sharply on my hair. “I spend too much time with you.”
When his kind eyes find mine, eyes that know the truth about everything, eyes that hold as many secrets as mine, I collapse into his arms and we both fall to the ground as I sob.
He doesn’t talk, he just holds me as I cry and strokes my hair.
It’s not until I can no longer bear the pain of crying so hard that I finally stop and feel drowsy as he cradles me to his chest.
“You never should have gone back there, Imogen.”
“Yeah,” I agree because I wish I hadn’t. I was healing, I was doing good, I was feeling good. Now I’m not. Now I don’t know how I feel at all. It’s all just hazy under a heavy layer of intense pain.
“You still love me though, right?” I ask, feeling particularly vulnerable right now.
“No,” he lies making me laugh. “Can’t stand you.” His lips touch my hair as he rocks us both and I start sobbing again, holding him so tight I must be hurting him. He won’t complain. He never does.
17 years old
The night was a trial. It wasn’t fun at all. Poppy ripped out half of Micah’s hair, beat her face pretty badly, and ended up getting arrested. My brother passed out in the limo after taking something to numb his pain. Like he doesn’t deserve to feel it.
Marshall helped me carry him inside and dump him in his bed much to Mee-maw’s displeasure. But she didn’t fucking say boo to Matthew about any of it, not that he’s sober enough to understand. He’s off his face on something strong enough to wipe him out so heavy I panic for a while that he might be dead.
Marshall and I are now standing outside as Poppy’s mom sends me a million angry texts asking me why I didn’t stop her daughter and how Poppy has ruined her future or whatever. I feel so bad. I should have followed but I thought she and Matthew would talk first. I didn’t know she’d walk straight into the school and kick the living daylights out of Micha. She has never hit anybody in her life. I didn’t know she knew how.
I let her down and that grief weighs heavy on me. I made the wrong choice and I’m worried she might never forgive me.
Marshall takes my phone off me, turns it off and shoves it in my pocket.
“No good is gonna come from you reading those messages,” he insists and he’s right. I didn’t do anything wrong, not really. We have a rule, we don’t get involved in each other’s fights because it makes it too awkward when we all make up again. I was respecting their wishes no matter how badly I wanted to be in the middle batting for my best friend. “Come here.”
With a sigh I step into his open arms and press my cheek against his chest. He wraps his big arms around me and rests his chin atop my head.
“It’s all goin’ to be okay, you’ll see. You’ll sleep and tomorrow you’ll all figure this shit out.”
“I hope you’re right,” I utter, holding him tighter. “I’m sorry I was such a shit date.”
“Are you kiddin’? This was the wildest night of my life and I’ve had my share of wild nights. This one time I had Alanna and Casey in my parent’s bed while my daddy was in his office.”
Laughing, I lean back and peer up at his face. “I heard the rumors about you guys. I can’t believe it’s true. So gross.”
“Definitely gross. Had to eat two pussies in one night. Can hardly handle one.”
“Damn. Then I’m definitely never screwing you, Marshall. It’s my favorite pastime getting ate like that.”
He narrows his eyes and pushes his hand between us. “Stop it. You’re making me hard.”
Laughing, I slap his chest and pull away. Then I burst into tears, overwhelmed by everything that just happened and the thought of my best friend in jail when she’s never even had a detention. I must look like a psycho.
He holds the back of my head as we rock together, his way of soothing me, but it abruptly ends with a thudding sound and my body jerking with Marshall’s until he inevitably flies away from me.
I only have to take one horrified, wide-eyed look to realize what just happened. Kane has full force punched Marshall in the mouth and Marshall has hit the porch rail, almost going over it.
They start to fight, for real, fists flying, arms grabbing. He tackles Kane to the ground and hits him so hard in the face I feel it in my own.
“STOP!” I yell, grabbing Kane when he rolls them over and returns the hit but twice over.
I jump on his back and hold him around the neck.
“Please,” I beg, yanking hard.
He turns, shoves me off him so hard I fall onto my ass.
“Shit, Immy, I’m sorry,” he immediately says but Marshall takes this moment of distraction to hit him in the stomach, winding him. He rasps and doubles over but Marshall doesn’t keep hitting Kane despite the fact he likely deserves it.
“If you’re my friend,” Marshall snarls at me, wiping blood from his mouth as he clambers to his feet. “Just for that you’ll get fucking rid of him.”
“Marsh,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes.
“Fuck you, Martian. She don’t need you.”
Marshall looks at me with a glare so heavy I feel it in my bones. “You’re losing me for him. Hope you know that. Would cherish you, every fuckin’ moment. But not while he’s so hungry for my blood.” He spits at Kane’s knees, his eye and lip so swollen he won’t be able to move much of his face tomorrow.
Kane clambers to his feet still holding his stomach.
“Marshall,” I plead.
“Not doin’ it, Immy. It’s me or him. Be fuckin’ smart.”
I’m just too tired for this shit tonight.
I look at Kane, fresh tears streaking down my face. “You’re ruining my life, Kane Jessop.”
His face twists with a look of horror and maybe I’m being harsh but I
turn towards the house, push open the door and slam it behind me. The lock clicks as Mee-maw sets about dealing with that and I skulk to my brother’s room, check that he’s breathing, before heading to mine and collapsing on the bed.
“Are you seeing that Kane boy while you’re seeing poor Marshall?” Mee-maw asks through the wood of my door.
“Go away,” I utter, hoping she can hear me but knowing she can’t. My voice is weaker than my willpower and my soul.
“You answer me right now!” The side of her fist hammers on the door.
I stomp towards it, making every step count. I feel like a juggernaut, rage building with my momentum. Swinging the door open, I level her with a look, hoping she knows I’m not in the mood and I ain’t gonna take a beating. I don’t have another bed to run to tonight.
“You want an answer, Mee-maw? You wanna know if I’m seeing Kane and Marshall?” My lips twist with a sneer as I unleash my anger on her as she often has done to me over the years. “I’m fucking them both Mee-maw. I’m a whore just like my momma. I fucked Kane last night, I fucked Marshall in his limo and they both just found out about each other and caused a massive scene on your front porch.” She looks at me, shaking with rage similar to my own. “You happy with that answer? You raised two whores, Mee-maw. You’re a shit parent, a shit mother, a shit grandmother, and when I turn eighteen I’m fuckin’ out of here so fast I’ll laugh when your head spins and you will never see me again!”
Part of me feels guilt when her harsh eyes fill with tears, but that guilt is short lived when she grabs my throat and starts hitting me with the walking cane in her hand. I welcome each blow like an old friend, falling to the floor as blinding pain hits my arm and side. Then she stalks to my nightstand, grabs my phone and throws it at the wall. Mee-maw might be a mee-maw but she ain’t old and senile yet and she’s got strength and speed my fucked-up body can’t compete with tonight.
My phone shatters and I just laugh hysterically, rolling on my back as pain radiates through my body.
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