by Emma Crawley
My heart sank even further. “What is the matter, sir?” I asked. “Why do you look so grave and severe?” I added with a small smile, “even if that is your usual demeanour.”
Mr Darcy sighed and took the seat across from me. He leaned forward in the chair, gazing at the carpet in front of him. He seemed to be searching for a way to express whatever was in his mind. A chill went through me. He knew I had lost the letter. For him to look so distraught, could only mean one thing.
And yet I was afraid to hear him say it. Until he said those words, I could pretend he looked grave for another reason. Perhaps I was mistaken. I desperately hoped I was wrong.
Mr Darcy raised his eyes to meet mine. They were red-rimmed and shadowed with exhaustion. I suspected I was not the only one who had experienced a sleepless night.
“I am sorry to say that your letter had been found, but it is not I who found it.”
He said it. The words I had been afraid to hear. I slumped back in the chair and shook my head in bewilderment.
“Who then?” My voice cracked, and I could hardly speak. “If you have not found the letter who did?” I gasped and sat up straight as a hideous thought occurred me. “Not Lady Catherine?”
Mr Darcy shook his head. “No, not Lady Catherine. Come, Miss Bennet. You know my aunt. If she had found it, I am confident she would have descended upon you at once and declared herself to have the authority to banish you from Kent and from England itself.”
Despite my fear, I gave a small smile at a rare joke of Mr Darcy’s. I did not know he had it in him to have any sense of humour, even one as slight as this.
“Yes, you are right. That I am sitting before you now means it cannot be her.” Another name came towards me, and I felt a rush of relief once again. I recalled another man who had looked at me the night before with that same concern in his eyes. “Colonel Fitzwilliam then? Colonel Fitzwilliam found the letter, and he gave it to you? I noticed last night he looked at me as if he wished to say something.”
Mr Darcy gave me a long look, and to my dismay, he shook his head.
“No, it was not Richard. Well, not quite Richard, although it was he who brought it to my attention.” He sighed and looked into the fire. “Richard came upon some servants standing in the passage. A footman was among them, and he had the letter in his hands. The maids cannot read, and the footman’s abilities were slight, but they could gather enough from the letter to know I had written to you. They were trying their best to understand the rest of the words, but mercifully, they had little success.”
My heart sank, and I covered my mouth with my hands.
“The servants know you wrote to me? But it will never stay a secret. It would surprise me if the news is not all over Kent already.”
“It is.”
I stared at Mr Darcy in horror.
“What did you say?”
“It is all over Kent. Richard went to the village this morning, and he overheard some people in the street discussing it. They were amazed that Mr Darcy of Pemberley was writing to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, a woman no one had heard off until that day. They took great pleasure in imagining my aunt’s response when she learned of it.”
“So, it is all over the village? Perhaps it will not extend further than that…”
Mr Darcy shook his head and gave me a sad smile.
“No, you know that is not the case. You know people will discuss it everywhere. The servant’s network is enormous. We are not so very far from large towns here, and I would not be surprised if it has spread to them already. There will be no way to keep this news a secret.”
My heart pounded. I felt as though I would be ill.
“But perhaps they are not sure of what the letter said? How did they even know who wrote it or who it was addressed to?”
Mr Darcy sighed. “The footman knows my name because he has seen it on the cards at the table when I stay at my aunt’s. He recognised your name because his sister is also called Elizabeth, and his cousin’s name is Bennet. He knows, Miss Bennet. He knows I have written to you. And knows I wrote quite a long letter as well.”
My mind reeled as I cast about, desperate for some way out of this situation.
“Perhaps you can offer another explanation? Perhaps you can say it is a letter from your sister to me. One you intended to pass on. They do not know that I do not know your sister…”
Even as Mr Darcy shook his head, I already know that it was hopeless. Word would get around, and people who knew us both knew there was no connection between Miss Darcy and me and that she would have no reason to write to me. Even the idea that Miss Darcy might write to me would give rise to speculation about a connection between Mr Darcy and I. I could not see any way out of this situation with my reputation intact.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead, feeling the headache returning once again.
“Can I get you anything?” Mr Darcy asked.
I moved my hand to look at him. He gave me a look of such tenderness and concern I was taken aback. I have never seen that gentleman with such gentleness in his eyes before. Unfair though it might be to say, it was an emotion I have never attributed to him. But that was unfair. I knew he was tender towards his sister. I had heard him spoken of everywhere as being an excellent friend and loyal to those he cared about. It should not surprise me he might show concern to one as distressed as I.
“I think I am all right…”
Mr Darcy had already risen from his chair. He went to the sideboard where a glass of medicinal wine was stored. He took a glass and poured out a generous measure. Despite my refusal, I took it gratefully and sipped at it. It had little effect on my distress, but I allowed it to revive me as best it could. I rested the cold glass against my cheek as my mind tried to make sense of all I had just heard. The implications of it swarmed through my mind, no matter how much I tried to resist them.
“Are you feeling any better?” asked Mr Darcy.
I looked at him with unseeing eyes.
“I do not know… I do not know what to think… Why was I so careless with that letter? How could I have been so stupid as to lose it?”
My voice rose and to my horror, my eyes filled with tears. I struggled to hide it as best I could, but Mr Darcy had seen it. He pulled his chair towards me until our knees were almost touching. I looked at him in surprise.
“Do not blame yourself,” he said in a voice that was deeper than usual. “The fault is mine. I wrote that letter. My vanity, my need to defend myself against your words, led me to pour my heart out onto a page where anyone might find it. I should have known there was a risk someone else might find the letter. I knew it was inappropriate for me to write to a young lady I am not…” He paused for a moment as he gathered himself. “A lady I am not engaged to.”
We looked at each other for a long moment, and when I told myself to look away, I found I could not. Finally, I tore my gaze from him. I took another sip of the wine.
“So, what does all this mean?” I could barely give voice to the words.
Mr Darcy was so silent for a moment I thought at first he had not heard me. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded as broken as mine.
“I think you know what it means.”
6
I took a deep breath but still could not bring myself to admit it.
“Miss Bennet,” he said, and his voice was gentler than I had ever heard it before. “Miss Bennet, look at me.”
I took a moment then reluctantly raise my eyes to meet his.
His look was so gentle it once again took me by surprise. I expected to see resentment and anger there, but there was only concern for me.
“Miss Bennet, there is no way out of this situation, but for us to marry. I am so sorry. I know how little you… how little you want this.” At his last words, his voice hardened slightly, but he shook his head as if to dismiss those emotions as unworthy of him. “I am very sorry. I see no other way out of the situation. It will be all over Kent and probably as far as London by no
w. They found the letter yesterday. That is plenty of time for them to spread the word. The servants at Rosings have relatives in every house in the best households in the country. My aunt’s love for placing young people in respectable households will see to that. The maid and the footman will have brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles in houses all over Mayfair and almost every estate in the kingdom. And they will tell their employers about it. I see no other way out of this situation while preserving your reputation.”
I did not answer him at first. I did not want to admit that he was right. I could see no other way out of this situation either, though my mind cast around desperately, searching for something.
Surely there was another way out? Surely I would not be forced to marry when I was so disinclined? Why should I have to marry a man I did not love and care for because people with too much time on their hands might gossip about us? I had no name. I was not someone of importance in London. What did it matter what those people said about me?
My heart sank as another thought occurred to me.
Jane. It was not just my reputation at stake. If word went around that Mr Darcy and I were writing to another, but not engaged, people would take great delight in slandering me. And how would that affect Jane? Jane would be tainted by association. And she deserved to be happy. After the misery she had endured, caused by the man in front to me whose hand I was contemplating accepting, she deserved to find a good man she could love.
And perhaps, a good man would love her still. Perhaps if I were to marry Mr Darcy, I could bring Jane and Mr Bingley back together again. They would inevitably be thrown in one another’s company more than ever once Mr Bingley’s friend and her sister were united.
Then Mr Darcy’s words about my family turned me once again. He would never agree to Mr Bingley and Jane’s marriage. How could I throw my life away on the small chance that Jane and Mr Bingley might come back together again? I could not marry Mr Darcy. I simply could not.
Besides, he was not a disinterested party. How did I know he did not exaggerate the dangers to convince me to marry him? No, I could not agree to marry anyone under such circumstances. Even if I loved Mr Darcy to distraction, I could not allow myself to marry under such conditions as this. I would resent him all my life if I were to do such a thing and at the end of it all, Jane and Mr Bingley might not even come back together. I shook my head and stood up, forcing Mr Darcy to rise to his feet, his eyes filled with surprise.
“I am afraid I cannot agree with you as to the necessity of marriage, Mr Darcy. I am not convinced that the news has travelled as far as you say. Only a few people have read your letter, and most of them cannot be sure of the contents. There are so many explanations we can offer. There is no reason for us to resort to such a resolution to prevent some people from gossiping. People will always gossip. It is their way. But I do not intend to allow my life to be controlled by people who are nothing to me. I am afraid I must decline your generous offer. You can go away with full confidence that you have tried your best to do what you feel is right. You need have no shame or feel beholden to me.”
Mr Darcy ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “Miss Bennet, you are not listening to me. The news has spread. It will impact your reputation. I know you have not been in the world as much as I have, but surely even you have been warned about the importance of guarding your reputation? It was inappropriate for me to write you a letter when we were not engaged. I should not have done it. But you should have taken more care. You should not have dropped it.”
“Ah, so now you are blaming me! Only moments before you told me I should feel no guilt, but now I am refusing you again, you decide it is all my fault.”
“That is not what I am saying,” said Mr Darcy. His jaw tightened, and I saw he was sincerely angry at my words. “I am sorry. I should not have said it the way I did, but that letter should have been protected. You should have thrown it away as soon as you’re finished reading it…”
“You should never have written it at all,” I said furiously. “You have no business writing me a letter. I refused your offer of marriage. That is all you needed to know. There was no need for any further communication between us. You should have allowed the matter to rest there and then left Rosings as was your original intention. Why did you have to write to me?”
Mr Darcy looked stricken. “You know why. You accused me of actions that were untrue. I had a right to defend myself…”
“You had no right to expect me to hear it. What did it matter to you if I thought badly of you? We were nothing to one another. You should have gone away. But your vanity was so enormous you could not bear the idea someone might think ill of you.”
Mr Darcy’s eyes were filled with some emotion I could not put my finger on. He paced to the window and stood there for a moment as he struggled to master himself.
“There is little point in arguing about it now. I have been wrong about many things where it comes to you and I. Many, many things. And I will regret it for the rest of my life.” He turned to face me. “But regardless of what has been done, or what I should have done, none of it matters anymore. What matters now is what we are to do. This will impact your reputation. You know it is true. Much as I admire your spirit, do not allow your stubbornness to prevent you from taking the only path available to you right now.”
“I do not agree that it is the only path. I do not believe the danger is as much as you say it is.”
Mr Darcy raised an eyebrow. “And why would I exaggerate? I have always prided myself on my frankness. My devotion to honesty has caused me some problems I would rather forget…”
I shook my head, refusing to allow my thoughts to wander back to his proposal. Yes, I could have done without his honesty that night as he called it. “I mean to say… Perhaps you were mistaken… Or perhaps you wish to believe that the rumours are more extensive than they are…”
Mr Darcy took a step towards me. I was almost alarmed to see the fury in his eyes.
“What is it you were suggesting, Miss Bennet?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I am upset, and I am not thinking straight. Forget I said anything.”
“No, allow me to understand you. Are you suggesting that I am lying to induce you to marry me? Do you think as little of me as that? Do you honestly believe I would stoop to such evil tactics to get what I want?”
“How should I know what you would stoop to?” I raise my chin to look at him defiantly. “I do not know you as well as I thought I did, sir.”
“No, that is true. You do not know me as well as you thought you did at all, do you? You have been wrong about many things. Mostly to do with my character.”
I looked away from him and swallowed. He was right. I had misjudged him harshly. I could not blame him for being angry.
“I am sorry, Mr Darcy. I should not have said what I did. We must put it down to my extreme upset about what has happened.” I turned to look at him firmly. “But please, understand me. I will not marry you. I do not agree that it is necessary. I want to put an end to this embarrassing situation for once and for all. If there are rumours about me, those are mine to manage. People might grumble about you, but they will forget it soon enough. I need have no fear that the news will travel to Hertfordshire anyway, and if it does, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have done your duty by offering for my hand. I refuse you. I cannot put it any plainer than that.”
Mr Darcy stared at me with an expression of utter bewilderment.
“And that is all the reply I am to expect? Miss Bennet, please believe me when I say the consequences of this will be far reaching. I have no doubt it is all over London already. I am offering you my protection.” His voice hardened. “And believe me when I say I do not wish to marry under these circumstances. I can imagine nothing more undesirable than being wedded to a woman who does not want me. I would rather any fate than this. I am doing it because it is the right thing to do. I am responsible for this situation, a
nd I will do what I have to to make it right.”
“You will do what you have to to make it right?” I raised my eyebrows. “What; will you marry me against my will? Will you marry me even though I have refused you several times now? I understand you are accustomed to having your way in all things, Mr Darcy. But I cannot think even you would insist on marrying a woman who is rejecting you. I am afraid, sir, this must be the end of our discussion. We will not marry. Now, you can plan to leave for London with the reassurance of knowing you did the right thing as best you could. Whatever happens afterwards is my concern alone. Good morning, sir.”
I turned away from him to signal the conversation was at a close. I busied myself with some books on the side table and waited for his footsteps to leave. I could feel him staring at me. I was afraid to turn around in case he started another impassioned plea. I held my breath and closed my eyes, longing for the sound of him leaving. Why would he not go?
“Good morning, Miss Bennet,” he said at last. I nodded without looking around, trying to disguise my relief.
7
His footsteps hushed on the carpet as he walks towards the door. I heard the door open and turned just in time to see Mr Collins burst into the room. He hurried towards me, so intent on me, he did not even see Mr Darcy.
“Cousin Elizabeth, what have you done? If we had known you would bring such a disgrace to Lady Catherine, we should never have invited you here. You have taken advantage of our goodness and our generosity and brought shame to the most worthy woman in the kingdom. I am ashamed to call you cousin.”
My eyes met Charlotte’s as she hurried in after him, staring at her in amazement. Her face was pale, and she shook her head.
My heart sank. So, they knew. That letter. That stupid, disgraceful letter that should never have been written.
“I cannot agree I have brought any shame on Lady Catherine, Mr Collins.” I stared at my cousin, defiantly. “I have done nothing wrong.”
