by Amanda Heger
“Look, let’s say I believe you. But if you have no proof, I’m not sure I can help you.”
Eliza’s head throbbed with the fire of a thousand suns. Yolanda’s phone number was trapped in her shattered phone. She didn’t want to drive to Yolanda’s house, sit in an enclosed space with her, and come back to the zoo to track down Jonathan, but she would if she had to. Especially since Charleston looked so darn cute snuggled into his hay fort. “You’re not sure you can help me, or you can’t help me?”
Jonathan nodded toward a door labeled Manager. “Why don’t we go have a chat? I wanted to talk to you after the licensing exam that day, but you ran out of there so fast.”
“If we go have a chat, will you give me the damn pig?”
“I’d be willing to discuss it,” Jonathan said as he held open the door to his office.
Office, as it turned out, was too generous a term. The space was a storage closet that had been only semiconverted into an office. On one side sat Jonathan’s desk and computer. On the other, a chair sat in front of a row of industrial shelves that held boxes labeled with terms like raccoon tails and skunk glands.
Eliza sat and pushed her chair as far from the skunk glands as possible. “What do you want for the pig? I’m not exactly swimming in cash here. I could maybe do fifty bucks.”
“I don’t want money.”
Ah. He wanted a favor. She’d opened this Pandora’s box before and found herself fondling a sex robot. Twice. “I don’t do enchantments anymore, if that’s what you’re after.”
“Yeah right.”
“I mean it. I quit the Cupid business.” It was the first time she’d said it aloud since her fight with Jake, and the words grated her already-raw emotions. Maybe if she said it enough times, she’d callus and stop hurting so much.
Or maybe she’d just rip herself wide open.
“So, you took that test for the hell of it?” Jonathan said. “Seemed like a fun way to pass the afternoon?”
“No, I… It’s a long story. But it doesn’t matter.” She sat back in the chair and crossed her arms. “I’m retired now.”
“Look, I really need your help.” Jonathan fiddled with a box on the end of the shelf. Its label read opossum milk. His voice softened. “I’m sorry about all the crap I did to you when we were kids. I was dumb and embarrassed and insecure. I know I should have apologized before now—before I needed something from you—but I could never get up the guts.”
Eliza needed a minute or three to process what he’d just said. Had Jonathan Ellis really just apologized? And was she actually thinking about forgiving him?
“Thank you,” she managed, once she’d gotten her shock under control. “Now, what can I help you with?”
“Here’s the deal. When I applied for this job, I sort of billed myself as the zoo reproduction whisperer. The zoos have these strict, planned reproduction programs, and over the past few years, the Gold Lea Zoo has had a lot of problems getting its residents to reproduce.”
“By residents, you mean…”
“The animals. Do you know how much it costs to ship in lion sperm from across the country?”
“Can’t say I’ve ever priced that one out.”
“Well, let me tell you—it’s a lot. When they hired me, I promised I could get the animals to do it on their own, without all the shipping and handling fees.”
Eliza did not want to know what exactly the handling fee on lion sperm covered. “And?”
“And I’ve managed to make it work with most of our animals. But—”
“Wait, you have?”
He nodded and stood up a little straighter. “You’d be surprised what a little privacy, good food, and Marvin Gaye can do.”
“Marvin Gaye? Seems a little on the nose.”
Jonathan shrugged. “The heart wants what the heart wants. I’ve had good luck with most of our animal pairs, except the sea lions. No matter what I do, they just aren’t interested in getting their groove on.”
“So what? They’re sea lions. It’s not like they’re an endangered species.”
“Actually, three species of sea lion are endangered.”
Embarrassment warmed the tips of Eliza’s ears. “I didn’t realize. So, you’re working on repopulating them? That’s actually—”
“Of course, our sea lions aren’t the endangered ones. But they are very special sea lions.”
She sighed. For all this trouble, Eliza was going to need these sea lions to knit her a sweater and make her breakfast. “And you want me to enchant them?”
“Exactly.” He clapped his hands together. “You enchant the sea lions, and I’ll give you Porky.”
“Charleston.”
“What?”
“The pig… Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I know you never got this through your skull when we were kids, but I can’t enchant animals.” She was choosing to ignore the way Charleston seemed to like her so much. That was probably just a side effect of missing all his probiotics.
“I know, I know. But I did some research online, and I have an idea. If you try it, I’ll give you the damn pig, even if my idea doesn’t work. Scout’s honor.”
Eliza really should have stayed under the covers this morning. She sighed. “Okay. Take me to these special sea lions.”
Chapter 23
“The ignorant sheeple associate Cupids with love, but I ask you this: If these Cupidistas promote love, then how come America’s divorce rates have risen steadily since the Cupid Disclosure? Answer: Chemtrails.”
—the Cupid Cabal
Eliza stared down at her brown flippers, brown jumpsuit, and brown arm paddles. Thank the gods, no zoo patrons seemed to be hovering nearby. They were all watching the sea lions swim in a sunken tank a dozen or so yards away. “Someone better have Charleston waiting and ready to go as soon as this is over,” Eliza said.
“You got it.” Jonathan handed her the mask. The whiskers and long snout looked sea lion adjacent, but the creature could have just as easily been a giant, terrifying beaver.
“And I want another lemonade. A large.”
“I don’t really have any sway over the concession stands.”
She shrugged and slipped on the mask. “Worth a shot.”
“The website said all animal species have their own versions of Cupids. So you can enchant humans, but somewhere out in the ocean there’s a dolphin Cupid that enchants them, and in the jungles there’s an elephant Cupid, and for sea lions there’s a sea lion Cupid. That’s where you come in.” He pointed to her costume. “We fool their hormones into believing you’re a sea lion Cupid.”
“What was this website again?”
“The Cupid Cabal. Some of the best information and news about enchantments I’ve ever come across. You should really give it a read. There’s a lot going on in the world that we don’t even know about. Did you know that the real Eminem was a Cupid, but the Illuminati killed him and replaced him with a clone? That’s why none of his recent albums have been as good as The Marshall Mathers LP.”
“None of that is true,” Eliza said through the mouth of the mask.
“You really think Revival can hold a candle to The Marshall Mathers LP?”
Oh boy. Eliza did not have the time, energy, or interest to argue about this particular internet conspiracy. “You know what? You’re probably right. Let’s go ahead and get started.”
“Technically, this is a little early in the year for sea lion mating,” Jonathan explained. “But we’ve warmed the water temperature and given them enough artificial light to make it seem closer to summer. All you have to do is hop in there, do your thing, and get out. Shouldn’t be a problem.”
Funny how he’d failed to mention the lack of oxygen and giant sea beasts. “What’s my weapon? How about one of these flippers? That seems like it would work without much trouble.”
Here we go. “Okay, okay. No flipper. What would you like me to use?”
He held up a giant fish. “You don’t need blood, right? You’re special or whatever.”
“Or whatever,” she muttered. “Let’s get this over with.”
“Let’s make some sea lion love.” Jonathan took a step toward the exhibit and motioned for her to join him. She followed him along the edge of the exhibit, where a tank of salt water rose up to Eliza’s chest and sank down under her feet, giving patrons a great view of the sea lions’ activities above and below the water. Then Jonathan led her up a roped-off staircase labeled Employees Only and stood on a smooth cement ledge that hung over the water.
Eliza drew in a deep breath and adjusted her whiskers. How in the world had her life come to this? “Ready.”
“Lions! Lions!” Jonathan called out. He blew a small whistle hanging from his neck.
The sea lions waddled out from the shallow end of the tank. In the water, they’d looked like beautiful, graceful beings. On land, they looked like several hundred pounds of human-eating monster. Both animals lumbered to their posts—identical platforms near Jonathan.
“Go on,” he whispered. “They have to see you’re one of them.”
And that’s how Eliza found herself standing between the sea lions on the middle platform, flapping her front flippers and making a range of poorly imitated sea lion barks. When Jonathan raised his right hand in a salute, Eliza and her sea lion compatriots raised their right fins to their heads. When Jonathan clapped, Eliza and the sea lions did too. When Jonathan threw each of them a ball to balance on their noses, Eliza ducked. The actual sea lions could have been members of the Harlem Globetrotters.
Jonathan stood near her platform and leaned in. “I think they’re ready. Wait for my signal.”
She barked in response. Might as well go all in, right?
“Lions! Nap time.” Jonathan stepped into the shallow water and stretched his arms out wide. The sea lions waddled to the water and stretched out flat. Eliza followed suit, and Jonathan laid a dead gray fish on her stomach with a quick nod.
She didn’t move a muscle, imitating the lions and also trying to keep from being eaten by them. Jonathan had promised they wouldn’t move until given the cue, but she had a fish and they didn’t. Their basic senses of fairness had to be offended.
“Good morning, lions!” Jonathan called out.
The two actual sea lions sprang up, facing each other. Eliza grabbed her fish by the tail and swung. She made contact with the first sea lion, then the second. And then she dropped her fish and got the hell away from there.
The last thing she needed today was two angry sea lions coming after her. She just hoped they weren’t Egg Salad Saga fans. Hades, at this rate, they’d probably try to sue her too. Just like everyone else.
“Give me my pig,” she said to Jonathan, ripping off the mask.
“Good God, look at them go,” he whispered.
Eliza turned in time to see the lions swimming side by side into the bottom of the tank. If she didn’t know better, she’d think they were holding fins. And if she really didn’t know better, she’d think that was Mitch Johansen standing at the edge of the tank, hovering glumly but a little too closely near a petite elderly woman. “Excuse me,” Eliza said, slipping the mask back on.
Time to take this show on the road.
She waddled over to the crowd of retirees and let out her loudest sea lion bark.
Mitch didn’t even flinch. The poor man looked like a coma patient that someone had taken out on a walk.
Eliza wrapped her fins around him. “Would you like a photo with Scarlett the Sea Lion, the zoo’s newest mascot?” she asked.
“Let me find my phone.” Slow as antique molasses, Mitch pulled out his phone. “Wait,” he said, arm outstretched. “Is there a fee for this?”
“No charge for you, sir.”
“Good.” Mitch handed his phone to Stu.
“Say Cheez-Its,” Stu said.
“Cheez-Its,” Mitch muttered.
Eliza barked. Because…well, why not? And by the time Mitch had his phone back, the other woman had moved on to the next exhibit.
“Crisis averted,” Eliza said when the men had slipped away to visit the penguins.
“It’s really too bad that we don’t have an actual zoo mascot,” Jonathan said. “I’d hire you in a heartbeat.”
She pulled the mask off her face and gulped in the cool air. “Don’t mess with me, Jonathan. I’m unemployed, and I will take you up on that.”
Eliza paused. What was happening? Were they becoming friends? Or at least not sworn enemies?
He grinned. “If we ever get the funding, you’ll be the first person I call.”
“Thanks.” Apparently, she was qualified for something after all. “Now where’s my pig?”
* * *
Eliza stood on Yolanda’s porch and patted the top of Charleston’s head. She’d changed out of her aquatic costume, but not until she’d gotten back to her car before realizing she was still wearing it. She’d stuffed the whole thing into her trunk and decided to drop it back at the zoo later. Right now, she had a pig to deliver.
Charleston pushed against her leg, seemingly unaware of all the trouble he’d caused. “Ready to go home, big guy?”
He snorted in response.
Eliza reached for the doorbell, but before she could press it, the door flung open.
“Charleston!” Yolanda swooped down and nuzzled the pig’s face. “My baby. You’re home!”
Eliza cleared her throat. Moment of truth. Would Yolanda forgive her for Eddie and the pignapping, or would she slam the door after promising death and destruction? “Hi, Yolanda. I found him at the zoo. They’d adopted him from the Humane Society as part of the petting zoo.”
“Petting zoo?” She hugged the pig’s neck a little tighter. “All those tiny, grubby hands trying to touch you. I’m so sorry, baby. Mommy is never going to let that happen again.”
“He was originally found at the Fig Leaf out on Highway Five.”
“The strip club? He took my baby to a strip club?”
“I guess Charleston is all grown up now,” Eliza said.
Yolanda finally raised her head, giving Eliza a stern look. “He hasn’t even hit puberty yet.”
Well then. Eliza pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and held it out to Yolanda. “They found him with a note taped to his back. They sent it along with him.”
“I’m sure it’s from Eddie. I don’t care what it says. Keep it.”
“Are you sure?”
Yolanda glared at the paper for a few seconds before standing and snatching it from Eliza’s hand. “No.”
“I can go if you’d like…” Eliza said.
Yolanda ignored her and opened the note. “‘I’m not scared of what we have,’” she read. “‘I’m just not ready to commit.’”
Uh-huh. Sure. Just like he wasn’t scared of blood.
“I guess you aren’t interested in getting back together with him?” Eliza asked.
“You know, I don’t know why, but I woke up this morning and realized I wasn’t interested in him anymore. I deleted all his texts—except the pictures of Charleston, of course. I deleted his number. I even deleted that stupid game so he couldn’t contact me there.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Eliza gave her an encouraging nod. “Are we okay now, Yolanda? I’d be happy to offer you a free enchantment from Herman & Herman. I’m stepping away from the business for a while, but my brother—”
“No, thank you.” She bent down and snuggled the pig a little closer. He let out a contented grunt and gave Yolanda a snouty kiss on the cheek
. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”
If only Eliza could say the same.
* * *
She’d barely made it back under her pillow fort when someone pounded on her front door. Eliza slid further into the darkness, wishing a plague of locusts on whoever had the audacity to stop by unannounced. But maybe it’s Jake? Her heart leapt at the thought before hardening into cold steel in her chest. Jake was the last person she needed to see right now. I’m not home. I’m not home. I’m not—
“Eliza, I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.” Her mother’s voice was loud enough to disturb the entire complex. “I need to talk to you. Open up.”
Eliza crawled out of bed, shoved her still-damp hair into a ponytail, and wandered toward the living room. “What is it? I’m not working today.” Or ever again. She pulled the door to find both of her parents and Weston Presley. Elijah shuffled in behind them.
What the…
Her mother pushed past her and settled in at the kitchen table. Her father, Elijah, and Weston followed.
“Well, jeez, come on in,” Eliza grumbled.
“Honey,” her mother continued, ignoring her sarcasm, “this is our friend Weston Presley.”
“We’ve met,” Eliza said. “Multiple times.”
Weston raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.
“Weston is an Athenian,” her mother said. “He’s following up one of his investigations, and he’d like to ask you a few questions.”
Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, permeated every inch of Eliza’s being. The last thing she wanted was to talk to this guy. “Can we do this another time?”
“Uh-oh.” Elijah shook his head.
“What?” Eliza snapped.
“Let’s see. Sweatpants. A messy hair…thing. Empty bags of M&M’s everywhere.”
The tips of Eliza’s ears burned. “So?”
“You slept with Jake, didn’t you?” Elijah asked. “And then things went down the toilet, right?”
Her father, gods bless him, interrupted. “Why don’t we let your mom ask the questions right now? You two can catch up later.”
