by A. E. Wasp
The answer popped into his head immediately. Because people make it that way. It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not supposed to be.
It was easy with Robbie. All of it. It had been so normal—easy and free. Except when he fucked it up. When he let his fear take over. When he let the judgment of other people get between them.
He opened his eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive. I know why you did what you did. But it’s going to be different for me. I know it.”
“How do you know? I don’t see a lot of happy endings for gay men.”
“How hard have you looked?” he asked.
Stoney looked surprised. “You’re right. I haven’t looked at all. And I haven’t done anything but make it harder, have I?”
“I’ll tell you some happy endings.” As Paul ate, he told Stoney about Dakota and Bryce, about their upcoming wedding and the kids they planned to foster. About John from PR and his husband and how they were raising John’s kids from his previous marriage.
He trailed off when his father didn’t answer. To his surprise, Stoney was crying. In public. He’d covered his mouth with his hand, but the tears were slipping down his cheeks.
“Daddy,” Paul said alarmed. “What’s wrong?”
Stoney shook his head, unable or unwilling to say.
Paul slid out of his bench and went and sat next to Stoney. He wrapped his arm around his father’s shoulders, offering him whatever comfort he could in a way he’d never done before.
An older woman at a table across from them looked alarmed but didn’t say anything. The waiter approached, carrying a full coffee pot, but reversed course when Paul shook his head slightly.
The few other customers seemed oblivious to the drama. Stoney probably wasn’t the first person to cry in a Denny’s.
“He didn’t have to die,” Stoney said finally.
“Skippy?”
“Yes. Him. Any of them. If people hadn’t…if they could have left us alone and let us live in peace, Nathan wouldn’t have moved to California, and we could have had a life, just a normal life in Alabama.”
“I know. Being gay didn’t kill him. Ignorance and stigma and judgment did.”
Stoney wiped his eyes, waved the waiter over for more coffee. “Go eat your food,” he said to Paul, elbowing him gently in the ribs. “It’s going to get cold.”
With a smile, Paul did. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but something major had shifted.
The waiter refilled their coffee, and with a quick look at both of them, placed a pile of clean napkins on the table.
“Pretty heavy conversation for a Denny’s,” Stoney said with a weak smile.
“I’m sure there’s been worse.”
“So where did you get all this insight from?” Stoney asked. “How did you get so wise, so young?”
“I prayed on it,” Paul said, digging into his cold and definitely inferior biscuits.
“I thought you didn’t believe in that anymore.”
Paul sighed. “I’m gay, Dad, not an atheist. I’m exactly who I was, except now I’m more at peace. I have to be me. Trying not to be something I’m not has already cost me too much.” He knew the chances of anything working out long-term with he and Eubee had been slim even if they had been able to talk about their relationship. They had both been too damaged in the same way.
He’d needed someone like Robbie, someone whose way of viewing the world was so different from his that they forced him to re-evaluate everything he thought he knew.
“So tell me about you and Robbie,” Stoney said.
“Really? We don’t have to. It’s okay. I don’t need to flaunt it,” he said for lack of a better word.
“I’m your father. Telling me about someone so important to you isn’t flaunting anything.”
“Okay.” Where to start? What was the most important thing? “You know what hell would be for me, Dad?”
Stoney shook his head.
“Watching Robbie fall in love with someone else.”
“But you’re not with him now?”
Paul hadn’t realized his father even knew that much about his relationship. “It’s complicated,” he self with a self-deprecating smile. “But if we do break up, it will be my fault. I let my fear come between us. And that sucks because I love him. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I’d still be happier without him, and more at peace with who I am, then I ever was before. I can’t go back. I can’t fight for conditional love from you, from the church, from your version of God. And especially not from myself.”
Stoney leaned back, stretching an arm along the back of the bench seat. Paul met his father’s gaze evenly as Stoney studied him. “I can’t speak for the Church. They aren’t likely to change their teachings anytime soon.”
“I know. I’m done with letting other people tell me how to think.”
Stoney nodded. “I definitely can’t speak for God, but I think you can work that out with God – whatever you conceive Him to be – for yourself.”
“You remember that?” Paul asked, stunned.
“Your mother’s favorite poem.”
“Mine, too,” Paul said.
“You know my favorite part?” Stoney asked.
Paul shook his head.
“‘You are a child of the universe,’ Stoney quoted. “‘No less than the trees and the stars.’”
“You have a right to be here,” Paul finished, smiling through the tears that once again threatened to fall.
“You do,” Stoney said. “And speaking for myself, I promise you, and your sister, that I never want you to feel like my love is conditional again. Okay?”
Paul nodded, sniffling. He wiped his eyes with one of the clean napkins. “I think this is the most I’ve ever cried at a Denny’s.”
Stoney looked around and shrugged. “There are worse places. Now how ‘bout you finish up and you take me for a nice long ride in that gorgeous car. You can tell me all about Robbie and what you plan to do to tighten up those holes in your defense before the game against the Kings next week.”
Paul squawked in mock outrage, before launching into a thorough analysis of the Thunder’s strengths and how they were going to destroy the Kings that lasted until they were back in his apartment.
37
Robbie
Robbie’s parents stared around the Thunder players’ lounge in awe. It had been gratifying for Robbie to give them the grand tour of extensive facilities. They seemed completely impressed by the size and professionalism of the whole organization.
Robbie wanted to laugh. What had they expected from the NHL? Something like Pee Wee hockey locker rooms but with bigger men?
“This is outstanding,” Grant had said, taking in the high-tech viewing room, the fully outfitted gyms, and the PT rooms with the hot and cold tubs, massage tables and medical equipment. The equipment room looked like a high-priced sporting goods store. His mother’s eyes bugged out a little when he pointed out that some of the skates cost up to a thousand dollars a pair.
Robbie introduced them to the teammates that were there to support him as he took the leap and became the first person to come out as an active pro hockey player. Almost every player was there. Sergei had even made the trip back from the All-Stars earlier than he’d planned so he could be there.
He and Georgia and his parents were off to the side of the Thunder pressroom, waiting for the press conference to start.
It had been decided that it would be Robbie, Coach Williams, and the press spokesman at the table. At the last minute, Bryce had surprised the heck out of him by asking if he could be there as well.
“Of course,” Robbie had responded. “That would be amazing.”
Bryce was working the room, chatting with reporters and looking like a model in his perfectly tailored suit. He was getting a feel for the room, smoothing out any potential trouble spots and trying to minimize surprise questions. Watching him work, Robbie realized there was a lot more to being i
n the league than just playing hockey.
It should be fine. The media team had been thrilled to put their plan into place, reaching out to LGBT-friendly news outlets and reporters. Robbie saw representatives from Out and the Advocate, and local affiliates of most of the major networks.
It wasn’t a surprise announcement. The media department had sent out press packets and spoken to every individual in the room. Still, Robbie felt mildly nauseous. There was no doubt his life was going to change after this.
Like it or not, he was going to be the gay face of pro-sports. He would be judged on everything he did from here on in as not just a player, or as a man, but as a gay player, a gay man.
Potentially, every misstep or mistake he made risked being attributed to his sexuality, every success achieved in spite of it as if being gay was a handicap he had to overcome heroically.
It was infuriating.
Unlike Bryce, Robbie wore the Thunder team jersey. The League wanted it to be one-hundred percent clear that Robbie had the full support of his team and his teammates. Looking out at a sea of blue and white jerseys did calm Robbie’s nerves a little bit. No matter what happened, his guys had his back.
Any objections or issues they had with him would be handled in private.
The one person he didn’t see was Paul. He hadn’t expected him to be there, but he’d hoped.
“He’s still not here?” his mother asked.
Robbie shook his head.
“You and he were dating, but now you’re not, correct?”
“Yes.” That wasn’t exactly true. He and Paul hadn’t talked much over the break. He knew Paul’s father and sister were flying in, and Paul was planning on having a long talk with his dad. But there was a huge gulf between Paul coming out to his father and Robbie coming out to the world on the six o’clock news.
Neither one of them knew if they’d be able to bridge that gap.
“Oh, that’s too bad. We like him,” his mother said. Robbie knew that. Paul had bonded with his mother over the phone. When she found out he loved to read, she’d starting sending him book recommendations, and they often had long text conversations about the books he read.
“I love him,” Robbie said simply. “And I know he loves me.”
His father rested a hand on his shoulder in sympathy. “I’m proud of you for what you’re doing.”
“I have to be out. I can’t hide who I am anymore. And he can’t be out, not without losing everything important to him. I mean, he barely accepts who he is,” Robbie said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
“Give him time,” Grant said. “He’ll come around.”
“I know. But apparently, twenty-two years of being told you’ll go to hell isn’t something you get over that quickly.”
Truthfully, Paul had made enormous strides in a short time. But this was a lot to ask of someone newly out. It’s not like any of the players Robbie knew for a fact were gay had asked to join Robbie at the microphone.
“It’s really not,” Paul said from behind them. “But people can surprise you.”
Holy shit. Robbie spun around so quickly he got dizzy.
Paul stood there, more gorgeous than ever, in his Thunder jersey.
“You came,” Robbie said.
“I had to come. Did you really think I wouldn’t?” His smile dropped.
“I’m sorry. I should have known.”
Paul shook his head. “No. I haven’t given you a lot of reason to trust me with this.”
“But you’re here!” Robbie said, more relieved than he thought he would be. Doing this without Paul in the audience would have been hell. If he didn’t get to wrap his arms around Paul in twenty seconds, he might die.
“Not just me,” Paul said, excusing himself to get by Robbie’s parents. He pointed into the audience. “Look.”
Robbie saw a man who could only be Paul’s father taking a seat at the back of the room.
Georgia was right. He did look exactly like Robbie imagined Paul would in twenty years. A pretty young woman with Paul’s blonde hair and peaches and cream coloring sat down next to him.
“Sissy?” Robbie asked.
“Yep. She’s dying to meet you. Like, crazy dying. I had to bribe her with driving the Stingray to not burst back here like an insane person.”
“And they’re okay with you being here? With you supporting me?” He couldn’t believe it. Having Paul here was a surprise. He hadn’t even considered that Paul Senior would make an appearance.
“I guess he didn’t disown you, then?”
“Not even close. We have a lot to talk about. A lot.” Paul turned to Georgia. “He’s really curious about you,” he said with a smile.
“I’ll bet.”
Paul looked out into the audience. Sissy caught his eyes, and Robbie saw her break into a huge smile and give him two thumbs up.
Paul’s dad turned to see where Sissy was looking, and Robbie found himself staring directly at him. Stoney held his gaze, looking long and hard as if he were evaluating Robbie from a distance.
Finally, he smiled slightly and nodded as if in approval. He searched for Paul and gave him a nod as well.
“Well, I guess you’d better go take a seat, too,” Robbie said, though he wasn’t ready to let Paul get that far away from him.
“Actually,” Paul said, taking a deep breath. “I was wondering if there was room at the table for one more?”
Jenny inhaled sharply, and Robbie’s mouth fell open. “You want to be up there with me? Right next to me in public when I come out?”
Paul nodded.
“You know what people are going to think? And you’re okay with that?”
“Well, I reckoned I would just tell them right out, so they don’t have to guess.”
“Oh, my!” Georgia said from somewhere behind Paul.
“How much time do I have?” Robbie asked the room in general.
“About ten minutes,” Grant replied. “More like seven.”
“I’ll be right back.” Grabbing Paul by the jersey, he dragged him over to the first door he could see.
It turned out to be a small closet stocked with supplies for the lounge kitchen.
“This is the exact opposite of what we’re supposed to be doing,” Paul said, laughing and breathless as Robbie shoved him into the closet and shut the door.
“Shut up,” Robbie said. Hand still clenched in Paul’s jersey, he crowded him up against the metal shelving in the almost pitch black room. “Are you sure? One hundred percent sure?”
Paul reached for Robbie, grabbing him by the hips and pulling him flush against him. “One hundred percent.”
Robbie gasped as Paul slid his hands up under his shirt. “Don’t do this for me.”
“I’m doing it for me,” Paul said. “I promise. I don’t know how I’ll live if I don’t.”
Robbie had to kiss him. Slamming their mouths together. Paul kissed back like the only oxygen he could get would be from Robbie’s lungs.
“Oh, my God,” Robbie said as Paul grabbed his ass and dragged him tight against him. They were both hard almost instantly. The four days they had been apart and on shaky ground had felt like an eternity.
Paul whimpered and straddled Robbie’s leg, rutting shamelessly against Robbie. “Fuck, I love your thighs,” he said. “Goddamn.”
Robbie grabbed Paul by the hair and tugged hard, yanking his head back so he could reach Paul's’ neck.
“Oh, fuck.” Paul’s strangled yell was loud in the small room, and they both froze.
“Shit,” Robbie said, releasing Paul and taking a step back. His cock throbbed painfully against his pants. Robbie pressed his palm hard against it. “We can’t go out like this.”
Someone pounded on the door. “Rhodes, Dyson, get the fuck out of there right now.” It was Jake, and he didn’t sound happy. “I’m opening the fucking door; you’d better be fucking dressed.”
“Nice vocabulary, Cap’n,” Paul said smugly as Jake yanked the d
oor open.
Jake looked at both of them and scoffed in disgust. “Jesus, go out like that, and you won’t even have to say anything. A fucking nun would know what you two were up to.”
“Sorry,” Paul said.
“And I thought we agreed no screwing around in the arena.”
“Sorry,” Robbie said. “He surprised me.”
“Yeah. I hear it’s your coming out day, too. Congrats, Dyson. Now go makes yourselves presentable and I’ll buy you a few minutes. Jesus Christ,” he muttered as he stormed off. “Goddamn kids can’t keep it in their goddamn pants for two fricken minutes.”
Paul and Robbie snorted and ran to the bathroom to pull themselves together.
There was a murmur from the crowd as Robbie walked up to the table. It grew exponentially as Paul followed right behind him. Bryce’s eyes widened in surprise as he saw Paul, and he stood up. Checking the microphone in front of him to make sure it was off, he pulled Paul in for a hug.
“You doing this?” he whispered.
“Apparently,” Paul answered nervously.
Bryce hugged him again, then turned and enveloped Robbie in his strong embrace, too.
“You are a champion hugger, Lowery,” Robbie said with a small laugh even as he clung to the support of Bryce’s strong arms.
“I am so incredibly proud of you two. So proud.” His eyes were suspiciously bright. “You know whatever you need, whatever you want, Dakota and I are behind you, one hundred percent.”
Robbie blinked back tears of his own. Now was not the time. “I know, man. Thanks.”
“You want me to stay up here, now that you have Paul?”
Robbie looked at Paul. Paul nodded, a little desperately.
“Please,” Robbie said.
Bryce motioned for someone to bring up another chair, and the murmurs from the audience got louder.
Finally, they were all seated. “Ready to do this?” the press guy said, hand on the microphone.
