by A. E. Wasp
“Do you think I can’t handle it?” Alex asked, twisting out from under Sergei’s grip and hurrying the rest of the way down the stairs. “It’s my job. It’s not like I have anything else to do with my time.”
Following slowly, Sergei stifled a sigh. He missed the easy communication between them, the fun. Lately, Alex took everything Sergei said as a criticism of him. Admittedly, life with the twins had been an even bigger adjustment than Sergei had anticipated, but it seemed like Alex was going out of his way to do everything the hardest way possible.
He had told the team wives and girlfriends not to bother coming over every day, and he’d rejected every nanny recommendation they had sent his way.
This had to end now. Sergei had to get to the bottom of it.
By the time he caught up with Alex, he was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. Sergei walked up behind him.
“Alex.”
“What?”
“Turn around.”
Alex placed a dirty sippy cup on the top rack of the machine before doing as asked. He gasped and clutched Sergei’s shoulders when Sergei lifted him up. Stealing a kiss, Sergei walked him across the kitchen and sat him down on the counter. He wedged himself between Alex’s thighs. It was the most eye contact they’d had since Sergei had gotten home.
“Hi,” he said with a smile. “I’m home.”
Alex smiled, the first real smile Sergei had seen on him tonight. “Hi. I’m sorry.”
“For what are you sorry?” Sergei didn’t give him time to answer. “Nothing. You have nothing to be sorry for except for not taking care of yourself.”
“I’m fine,” Alex said with a fake smile.
Sergei kissed him until Alex’s hands crept around Sergei’s back. “That is better. Try again. Why do you run yourself so ragged? Why do you not pick a helper?”
“I can take care of everything myself.”
Sergei cupped his face, running his thumb over Alex’s cheekbone. This was so like his stubborn Alex. Resenting all the help he had ever needed.
“I know you can. But I do not think you should. I want to take care of you. Let me give you some help. We can afford it.”
Alex’s gaze dropped to the ground. “You can afford it.”
“Fine. I can afford it.” Sergei wanted desperately to give Alex everything. All his money, his love, his time. But there was so much Alex wouldn’t take because he felt he hadn’t earned it. “What is the point of money if I can not use it to make family’s life easier? I know you are expert with them. But you need help. You deserve help.”
Alex leaned his head against Sergei’s chest. “You’re right. They are your kids and what you want, goes. But I can’t help feeling like I should be able to do it all,” Alex said. “I don’t know why I can’t. On paper, it seems clear enough. But I’m letting you down. And your kids. And the cats. And my friends.”
Sergei had been thinking of them as their children, but it just hit him that Alex didn’t. Had Sergei been making assumptions? Moving too fast in his head? Alex loved the twins; anyone could see that. And he thought Alex loved him, but their relationship was so new. Maybe this was what Alex meant when he said sometimes sex felt like love. Could Sergei be confusing the two? He’d been thinking that this was it; that he and Alex would be together from now on. Forever.
Maybe he needed to slow his thinking. Take it one day at a time. The problem was, he didn’t want to. Not at all. He didn’t want to think about a life without Alex. Sadly, he was beginning to realize that no matter how much he loved Alex, he couldn’t make that future happen singlehandedly. Alex had to believe in them as much as Sergei did.
Alex’s expression was concerned and anxious. The only thing Sergei could think of to do was to try and show Alex how much he loved him, how much he wanted and needed him in his life. His words weren’t getting through, but maybe if he could get Alex into bed, he could show him with his mouth, and his hands, and his body.
“I am sorry I made bath time bad,” Sergei said, drawing Alex’s hand between his. With his thumb, he rubbed small circles in the center of Alex’s palm like he had done to Sergei when he was showing him that everything could be sex. If he had to seduce Alex, he would give it his best shot. “I do not want to make things harder for you.”
Alex shuddered as Sergei caressed the spaces between his fingers. “I’m not mad at you, I swear. I just feel like if Davka and Tanya had little judges’ scoring numbers, they would be giving me threes.”
“They love you,” Sergei assured him, kissing his palm. “It would be tens across the board.”
“I love them so much.”
Sergei could see the fear behind the love. He recognized it because he felt it, too. Raising a child was an enormous responsibility. He felt as if he did it poorly, the children would be doomed for life. “I know you love them. And I love you. You know that, yes?”
He waited until Alex nodded.
“Say it so I hear it. Say Sergei loves me.”
Alex smiled, eyes crinkling with pleasure. “Sergei loves me.”
“Yes. So, please be nice to the man love. Or I will be angry.”
“I love you, too.” Alex looped his arms around Sergei’s neck. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Let me take you upstairs and I will show you what I think you deserve.” He tugged at Alex’s wet, dirty shirt. “You will need to take the clothes off, I think, for me to show you the best way.”
“Is that so?”
Sergei nodded seriously.
“If I have to.”
Sergei held Alex’s hand as he jumped off the counter. “Alex!” he said incredulously, as Alex stopped by the sink and unscrewed the lid of a sippy cup.
“It’s milk. You know how hard that is to get out of the rubber seal? If I leave it until tomorrow, it will stink.” He dumped out the green cup and rinsed it, then did the same with the red cup. “There. That’s it. I swear.”
Sergei rolled his eyes. “Upstairs,” he growled, smacking Alex on his ass.
In the bedroom, he asked Alex if he minded if he took a shower.
“No, go ahead. I should take one, too.” He collapsed face down on the bed.
“You could take one with me,” Sergei offered.
“Hmm, sounds nice,” Alex said into the bedspread. “Start without me; I’ll be right there.”
Sergei stripped, threw his clothes in the hamper Alex had put in the bathroom, and set the water for the perfect temperature. He made sure he had nice fluffy towels and that all of Alex’s favorite toiletries were in the shower, and then, naked, went back into the bedroom to see what was holding Alex up.
Alex was sound asleep in the same position Sergei had left him in.
Sergei stared at him for long seconds, debating waking him up, then shook his head and covered Alex with a blanket and went to take his solo shower.
28
Alex
The shrieks and screams of more preschoolers and toddlers than should ever be in one place rang in Alex’s ears while the grease-laden scent of the nearby food court assaulted his nose.
He’d been sitting next to the biggest piece of foam toast he’d ever seen while trying to keep rambunctious two-year-olds from knocking the twins on their asses for so long that even the grease smelled good.
“I swear to God if that soccer mom with her ‘I want to speak to the manager’ haircut lets that mutant toddler of hers knock my kid over one more time, I am going to pour Ariel’s smoothie into that knock-off Burberry diaper bag she’s waving around,” Suzanne Lipe said as she yanked the youngest of her four children out of the path of the rampaging toddler.
She, Alex, and Annette, Gabriel Jansson’s girlfriend, were the only ones with children under two years old. So while the other WAGS had to suffer the chaos of the big kids’ play area, they got to stay in the relative calm and quiet of the baby area.
Sure, the baby play area claimed to be only for kids under the age of two, but as far as Alex could tell, there was a huge ga
p between some twenty-month-old who could scale a fake piece of bacon like he was Batman Junior, and his eleven-month-old charges who were just starting to be able to stand unaided.
So far Davka held the Pergov baby record. He’d made it to seven seconds before falling down on his diapered butt. Alex had caught the whole thing on his phone and sent it to Sergei.
Currently, Tatyana was braced against the side of a giant foam waffle while Davka crawled across the yolk of a plastic fried egg. He was out of Alex’s arm’s reach, but he’d bonded with Sonya, the perky, dreadlocked mom of identical twins two weeks older than Davka and Tanya. She had her eye on Davka for him.
Thank God for moms, Alex thought. He understood now why they hung out together. It was for the sake of their sanity. The team was on a five-day, three-game road trip. It was the longest Alex had been alone with the babies since they’d brought them home.
Two days into it and he’d thought he would go mad. The house looked like a hurricane had hit it. Alex had gotten over his pride and asked the housekeeper to come every day when Sergei was out of town. He felt guilty that he hadn’t appreciated Sergei’s contributions enough.
He felt even guiltier admitting that he was bored. The two days and a night Sergei had been gone for the All-Stars had only been bearable because Suzanne Lipe came over for most of it and her bigger kids entertained the babies all day. The twins were so worn out, they went down like stones that night.
He felt like a bad faux parent for even thinking it, but watching Baby Einstein videos and playing with toys got old after a while. He watched the clock for nap time like a kid in school waiting for recess. He had so many plans for things he was going to do while the twins napped. What he usually ended up doing was scrolling mindlessly through Twitter, reading parenting blogs, or napping himself.
When a group of Sergei’s teammate’s wives had called and said they were going to the mall and would he like to come with them, he’d been as grateful as if someone had offered him an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawai’i. Probably more so.
“Your kids are so adorable,” Sonya said as Davka crawled over to his sister and pulled himself up next to her so he, too, could put his mouth on the giant foam germ-carrier.
“Thank you. But they’re not really mine. I’m just their dad’s boyfriend. Kind of a glorified babysitter until he can get a real nanny. Ow!” Alex rocked under the punch the dark-haired woman sneaking up next to him landed on his arm.
Annette Pulaski, Gabriel Jansson’s girlfriend, was a tall Long Island girl with a strong accent and an even stronger right hook. “What the fu—fudge is your problem, Alex? That man loves you, wants to do unspeakable things to your disgustingly supple body, and wants you to be his baby daddy. Stop being such a puss—poopie head.”
“Why are you so mean?” he asked her.
“Why’re you so stupid?” She raised her perfectly groomed eyebrows at him.
Alex laughed. Annette only bothered calling people on their crap if she thought they were worth bothering with. She punched him out of love.
He was ridiculously grateful for these women. He’d expected them to be distantly friendly at best, stuck up at worst. He knew how much money their husbands and boyfriends made. Everyone did, it was open information. And he was no better than a puck bunny, chasing after some player. But they had been genuinely friendly and supportive, welcoming him into their circle with open arms.
“Plus now that those freakin’ adorable kids came out all lovey-dovey in public, all eyes are gonna be on them. You and Sergei getting married would be, like, page six at best.”
“We’re not getting married,” Alex said. “I don’t even know what we are, really.”
"Alex, honey, I love you, but you are bone-stupid,” Suzanne said, catching her toddler as she stepped off the edge of the two-foot high foam waffle into thin air. “Sergei is lucky to have you. You're an angel."
“I’m really not. It’s not like I bring a lot to the table. I’m broke.”
“Look,” Suzanne said, “If you’re going to be a hockey SAP, you have to realize you are never going to make as much money as they do. That’s not what they need.”
“What’s a SAP?” Alex asked, ignoring the rest of it. They didn’t understand.
“Spouses and partners,” Annette explained. “We realized WAGS didn’t fit anymore. It’s outdated and heteronormative.”
Alex laughed out loud. “I’m glad to see you embracing diversity, but Sergei and I aren’t married. We have no plans to get married.”
At least he didn’t think Sergei did. Even if they did get married, he’d still only be step-dad at best.
Annette, Suzanne, and even Sonya, damn it, exchanged weighted glances.
“What?” he asked. “What was that look for?”
Annette laid a hand on his arm and held out her caramel macchiato. “Sip?”
He waved it away. “You make me nervous when you’re nice. Just tell me.”
As de facto head of the WAGS—SAPS—Suzanne spoke for all of them. “We hate to break it to you, honey, but you’re already basically married. Are you planning on leaving him and these precious babies? Because if you aren’t one hundred percent into it, you need to walk away now. Kids bond and they already lost one parent. They shouldn’t have to lose another. Could you leave them?”
Alex hung his head in his hands. “Oh, God. Of course, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. But…but.”
“But what, honey?” Suzanne said, laying a motherly hand on his shoulder.
“What if I fuck it up?”
There was a beat, and then all the women started laughing. Alex thought he heard laughter coming from the big kids’ area.
“Oh, babycakes,” Annette said. “You are going to fuck it up. Just accept that.”
Did they think this was some kind of joke? It wasn’t funny to Alex. He stood up, lifting Tatyana into his arm. “It’s a big deal. If I screw this up, they could really suffer. They could die!” He hated how his voice broke on the end.
He blinked back tears as Tatyana was taken from him, and Suzanne put her arm around him and guided him to the hard plastic benches on the edge of the play area.
“I’ll tell you a secret, Alex. And I have four babies, so I know what I’m talking about. When you’re a parent—and you can deny it all you want, but you are—when you are a parent, you can do everything right, however you define right, and it still can all go to shit in a heartbeat. Parenting is a lesson in realizing you don’t have a lot of control.”
Alex’s laugh was half sob. “That really sucks.”
Suzanne laughed and hugged Alex against her. “Yeah, it does. That’s why we get the big bucks.”
He was wiping his eyes when he heard young kids calling his name. “Alex! Alex!” Daisy and Zane came barreling down the mall hallway at him.
Oh, crap. He’d forgotten Allie had called him and asked if she could meet him here to talk. The grease smell from the food court now threatened to make him throw up. She wouldn’t tell him what she’d wanted over the phone, but what else could it be about except Charles?
He hadn’t spoken to her directly in a few weeks. Not since he’d called to let her know he was stopping lessons for a while because of the babies. She’d congratulated him and Sergei, and that was the last he’d heard from her until that morning.
“Hey guys,” Alex said with a smile. He was genuinely happy to see the kids. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed them.
“Where are your babies?” Zane asked.
“Um,” Alex looked around. Where were the twins? Sonya had Davka as well as her two. They were huddled around her knees as she fed them toddler snacks like they were baby birds.
“Is it okay if I give him some of these puffs?” she asked. “They’re organic toddler treats.”
“Sure, if he’ll eat them. He’s kind of lazy. He likes to sit there while you shove food in his face.” They probably were hungry; it was almost their lunch time. And then nap time. Alex’s favorite ti
me of the afternoon.
“I can feed Tatyana,” Suzanne offered. She held the baby on her lap, smiling and bouncing her on her knee.
“Hey, Alex,” Allie said with a nervous smile.
“Hi, Allie.” Alex jumped up, giving her a polite kiss on the cheek. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better,” she said. “Daisy, honey, why don’t you go say hi to the babies?”
“They are so cute!” she squealed. “I love their kitty pajamas!”
“It’s all they’ll wear,” Alex admitted, squatting down to be nearer to Daisy’s level. “I have two kitties, and the babies love them. So if I don’t put on their kitty pajamas, they yell at me!”
Daisy giggled. Looking to Alex for permission, she reached out and took Tatyana’s hand. “Hi, baby. I love kitties, too.”
Tatyana studied Daisy for a second, then burst into a smile.
Daisy squealed and slapped her hands over her mouth. “She likes me!”
Alex smiled. “Of course she does. You are very likable.”
“I left Charles,” Allie said out of nowhere.
29
Alex
Oh. Well. What was he supposed to say? He could feel the other women’s attention turning to them. “I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “I’m not, really. Cheating bastard.” She didn’t seem too concerned that the kids would hear her. Then again, they weren’t paying her much attention.
“Good for you,” Annette said from the bench.
Allie looked at the other woman, startled as if she had just noticed they weren’t alone.
Alex quickly introduced the women to each other. “I used to give Allie’s kids skating lessons,” he explained.
“He was the best,” Allie said. “I hope you start teaching again soon.”
Alex motioned to the babies and shrugged.
“Could we talk for a second?” Allie asked.
Now he really was going to throw up. “I can’t leave the babies.”
“Put them in the stroller and take them with you,” she suggested.
