by Anne Bennett
‘It’s the law, I’m afraid,’ Miss McGowan said. ‘Why d’you think I’m still Miss McGowan?’
‘Did you …? Were you …?’
‘Yes,’ Miss McGowan said, ‘there was someone I was very fond of once, but then I realised that once we married, his life would go on as before but I wouldn’t have the future I’d planned. He couldn’t quite believe it when I turned him down.’
‘Have you ever regretted it?’
‘Sometimes,’ Miss McGowan admitted. ‘But if I’m honest, my real regret is not having a family. I’d have liked children. But I made my decision and now you must make yours.’
‘Yes,’ Connie said.
Connie thought about Miss McGowan’s words over and over as she lay in her bed. She ate her tea without really tasting it and realised she needed to discuss this unexpected dilemma with Angela.
Angela saw her daughter’s agitation straight away when she got back from work. She pulled a chair out, sat down at the kitchen table and took one of Connie’s hands in hers and said, ‘What’s happened?’
Connie looked her full in the face and saw her eyes looking at her in concern. ‘I can do one of two things,’ said Connie. ‘Now I have passed the initial exam, I can join the librarianship course, or I can carry on seeing Daniel and eventually get married, I hope. I just can’t do both.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Angela cried.
‘Just that,’ Connie said. ‘Libraries won’t employ married women, or even have them on the course.’
‘Who told you this?’
‘Miss McGowan,’ Connie said. ‘She’s the younger librarian. When you told her I was seeing Daniel seriously, hoping to get married, she came to tell me about the course restrictions, knowing I wouldn’t have a clue. I just don’t understand why.’
‘Nor do I,’ Stan said, who had been listening in from the doorway. ‘When you think what the women did in the war, running the country, doing jobs and doing them well – and it was things few men thought they were capable of. Many people are saying now that if it wasn’t for the women who made all the weapons, we might not have won the war, because no one can fight a war without the means to do so. And yet they still have an archaic rule like this! I’ll check it out, but it’s probably right if the librarian said so. I have a feeling there’s a similar restriction on married teachers.’
‘You must talk to Daniel,’ Angela said. ‘But what do you want to do?’
Connie shook her head helplessly. ‘I don’t know, Mammy,’ she said. ‘I love Daniel, and of course I’d like to marry him someday soon. But I also love my work in the library. I never thought I’d have to choose one or the other. But Miss McGowan said it’s the law.’
‘Ah well, that’s it,’ Stan said. ‘I think it isn’t fair and you shouldn’t have to choose, but if it’s the law of the land you have to obey it. Your mother’s right, have a talk with Daniel. Are you seeing him this evening?’
Connie nodded her head, for Daniel visited every night, but that night she looked forward to seeing him with little enthusiasm, for she couldn’t see any sort of solution and doubted Daniel could come up with one. Connie couldn’t shake off her despondency.
Angela felt very sorry for Connie and the decision she had to make. Because of all she had gone through, Angela had decided to do all in her power to smooth the way for them, removing any objection she might have had to Connie seeing Daniel, and even having no outward objection to them marrying, despite any misgivings about Connie’s tender age. She had come close to losing her daughter and so she intended to do everything she could to ensure she had a good and stress-free life.
When Connie told them what Miss McGowan had said, Angela was stunned. But she decided she would have no part in Connie’s decision as to which road she should take. It had to be Connie’s choice alone.
Later Daniel could feel anxiety running all through Connie when he took her in his arms. However, she didn’t mention the most recent dilemma straight away, because Stan had also told her Daniel had no idea who Chrissie was, and Connie was surprised. ‘But Daniel was at the hospital when Mammy told us everything.’
‘Daniel was in a different part of the hospital,’ Stan explained. ‘I got him settled on a ward before I came to see how you were. Of course, you were ill yourself, so you might not remember much.’
‘I remember it only in snatches,’ Connie said, ‘and even those are a bit hazy. But Chrissie filled in the bits I had not been sure about.’ However, because Chrissie told her the bare facts without any of the emotion Angela had shown in the telling of it, Connie didn’t fully understand the predicament her mother had been in, and was still slightly shocked by her behaviour.
She’d said to Stan, ‘My mother abandoned Chrissie on the steps of the workhouse. Whatever the circumstances, she was a new-born baby and she just left her there! I was shocked, to tell you the truth.’
‘When she heard the whole story, Chrissie forgave Angela,’ Stan reminded her.
‘I know,’ Connie said. ‘I didn’t understand that either and when I asked her why later, Chrissie said, “It wasn’t her fault, and she couldn’t help it.” But if you heard all that, why didn’t you tell Daniel?’
‘I don’t really know,’ Stan said. ‘Initially I was concerned for Daniel. He seemed to have got away unscathed but he might easily have something wrong internally. When he was pronounced fit and healthy, you were not, and I was worried about you and how Angela was coping with it. And then after that there didn’t seem to be a right time. It was only this morning that I realised he knows nothing about it, and he’s the only one in the family who doesn’t know.’
‘So you’d like me to tell him tonight?’
‘Well, I think he ought to be told by someone. If anything is to come up in the future, he might feel it if he’s the only person who’s in the dark.’
‘All right,’ Connie said. ‘Don’t fret. I’ll tell him.’
So when Daniel held Connie in his arms that evening, he could feel that something was wrong, and he held her a little way away from him and said, ‘Connie, is anything the matter?’
Connie sighed. ‘There is something I want to discuss with you, but first I’d like to tell you how Chrissie came to be my sister.’
Daniel had been curious about Chrissie because when he’d first made contact with the family, there had not even been any mention of Connie having a sister. He’d often wanted to ask Connie about it, but it never seemed the right time, so he was keen to hear what Connie had to say.
What he wasn’t prepared for was hearing about Angela being attacked and raped one evening as she returned home late after delivering a consignment of shells to the docks, using a large truck to do it.
In the middle-class area of Sutton Coldfield where Daniel had been brought up, there had been a few babies born out of wedlock. He remembered one girl he had been very fond of. Her name was Rose, and she’d been small and pretty with black curls that framed her face and often bounced on her shoulders. She had big brown eyes that often sparkled in amusement, for she was nearly always happy and vivacious and fun to be with. Aged eleven, they went to different schools, but he would see her at Mass, and despite his aunt’s disapproval he always considered this girl his friend. But then she suddenly changed and would barely bid him the time of day and scurried home from Mass, flanked by her parents. He couldn’t imagine what was wrong, although he did note that his aunt and uncle never mentioned her name, and if he tried they changed the subject.
Nothing was discussed openly, but children are experts at surreptitiously listening in to conversations considered definitely not for their ears, and eventually the rumour reached Daniel that she was having a baby. He was stunned. He didn’t know much but he did know that for an unmarried girl to have a baby was just about the worst thing she could do, and he wondered what she was going to do.
Rose was moved down South to her auntie’s ‘for a holiday’, her parents said, and some months later she returned, though t
here was no sign of any baby. People said it had been put up for adoption, which was deemed the sensible thing to do, but she was not the same girl at all. Her face was sombre and her manner serious, without any sparkle in her eyes. Her friends fell away and Daniel imagined that, like him, they had been told Rose wasn’t a nice girl at all, and it was not suitable for him to be friends with her or even to speak to her any more.
Two months after she returned home, she travelled to the coast and threw herself off a cliff into the sea.
Remembering all this, he asked Connie gently, ‘You said your mother was raped. Was there a child resulting from this rape?’
Connie nodded. ‘Chrissie was the result,’ she said. ‘So, she is my sister, though I didn’t know this until fairly recently.’
‘Is this your terrible secret?’
‘Only part of it,’ Connie said. ‘Chrissie was due to go to a children’s home and be adopted from there, but the home couldn’t take her because they were full, and Mammy had nowhere else to turn and so she left Chrissie, who was just a wee baby, on the steps of the workhouse and ran away.’
Daniel was quiet for a moment, remembering Rose and how she had been treated by people she’d once known well. He also knew that while society condemned those who had a child out of wedlock, that condemnation would probably be increased tenfold if the child was born to a woman whose husband was a serving soldier who had been overseas for years.
Eventually, Daniel said, ‘Your mother must have been very frightened and desperate to do that, but if she hadn’t done it, what would have been the alternative?’
Connie was silent and Daniel went on, ‘There was no alternative, darling. Angela did this to save all of you, and not just herself, for you would have all been tainted by a child born to a woman whose soldier husband was overseas fighting. Don’t condemn your mother without thinking on that.’
‘You know,’ Connie said after a minute or two, ‘I’ve never thought about what Mammy did in that way before.’
‘Knowing your mother as I do,’ Daniel said, ‘I imagine she would have considered every possibility before deciding her best and only option was to abandon her new-born baby to the workhouse.’
Connie felt a little ashamed. Surely, she knew her mother better than Daniel did, and yet she hadn’t really considered her mother’s dilemma sufficiently. She had told Chrissie, the one person who needed to know, the explanations surrounding her conception, which led to her being left on the workhouse steps. But instead of feeling slightly ashamed of her mother, she should be proud of her bravery and resourcefulness in trying to keep everyone safe from the contempt of their neighbours.
ELEVEN
‘So is that all you wanted to talk about?’ Daniel said. ‘Or is there something else bothering you?’
‘There’s just one thing. A big thing! Miss McGowan – you know, the young librarian?’ Daniel nodded and Connie went on, ‘Well, she came to tell me that if I ever get married, then I won’t get on the library course or be employed by the library.’
‘Hey, what’s she got against me?’ Daniel cried. ‘I’ve barely spoken to the woman.’
‘Oh, it’s not you, Daniel,’ Connie said. ‘It’s any man.’
‘What are you on about?’
‘Marriage, Daniel,’ Connie said, and Daniel saw tears lurking behind the words that Connie flung at him. ‘Doesn’t matter that I passed their flipping exam, and with a good grade. There will be no place for me on the course, and no job at the library. Stan seems to think that applies to teachers as well.’
Daniel was stunned. He remembered back to his primary school days. During his time there were a couple of teachers who married and never came back to the school. He’d been a child and so thought nothing of it. His secondary school was for boys only, and no female staff were employed, so the policy of employing married women or not hadn’t arisen, but he could make a guess that the rules would be the same as those in the library.
Despite Daniel detecting tears lurking behind Connie’s earlier words, he didn’t realise how truly distraught she was and he said with a grim smile, ‘So it’s me versus the library, is it, and you have to choose which you love the most?’
Connie swung her head round and the eyes she fastened on him were flashing fire, and too late Daniel realised he had made a mistake. ‘I don’t see any cause for levity, when I have heard such bad news!’ she snapped.
Connie remembered Miss McGowan saying she had refused a young man whose life would not change much on marriage, while she would have to give up the job she loved. Connie didn’t know whether she wanted to go that far, for she loved Daniel very much, but it wouldn’t hurt to let him think she might throw him over, and so she said, ‘What would happen if our positions had been reversed and you had to leave your teaching job in the future, something you’d trained hard for, and loved – not because you’re not good at it, but just because you got married?’
Daniel could see how unfair it was. ‘I’m sorry, Connie,’ he said. ‘I know how hard you have worked to get where you are.’
‘I’m glad you understand how upset I am and why,’ Connie said. ‘But a decision still has to be made, and the only logical one that I can see is cancelling our wedding.’
‘Don’t bite my head off,’ Daniel said, ‘but I think that’s the only solution. You’ve worked so hard for what you have achieved and I think you have been very brave to decide on this course of action. But let’s not talk of cancellation, it’s mothers with children that may not be allowed to stay on in their jobs. We could postpone having a family. As soon as you’re ready to, we’ll go out and choose an engagement ring.’
Connie hadn’t thought that far ahead. ‘Can we afford a ring?’
‘Of course,’ Daniel said. ‘We have been saving for our wedding. But we’re too young to have children. I think we should wait.’
‘How long?’
‘About five years.’
Connie made a face, knowing it was true, although five years when you are not quite sixteen seems like a lifetime.
‘You will need that much time to qualify,’ Daniel said. ‘You have two years at St Paul’s doing highers, and then three further years doing a librarianship course, and then you will be a fully qualified librarian. All we can hope is that the marriage rule will be relaxed before you finish, or we could choose to make a stand and fight against it. I will support you all the way, I promise.’
‘Eileen told me once the rules were relaxed a bit in the Great War.’
‘We can hardly wish for another world war so you can work in the library,’ Daniel remarked drily.
‘Hardly,’ Connie agreed. ‘So many were killed. My daddy wasn’t the only one who didn’t come home. But at least there won’t be any more wars, because they say that was the war to end all wars – I read it in the paper.’
Daniel didn’t say anything to that, because he had heard some rumours of unrest and worse in Germany of all places, but he wasn’t going to share that with Connie and maybe worry her unnecessarily. Instead he said, ‘Best be off before they throw me out. Can I tell Angela and Dad about the news, or do you want to tell them?’
‘Oh, you may as well,’ Connie said, and added, ‘and Daniel, I know Mammy and I were planning a double wedding. But since they have already been kept apart, for one reason or another, for some time, I think it’s unfair to make them wait.’
‘I thought that too,’ Daniel admitted. ‘Everyone will ask,’ Daniel pointed out. ‘They’ll see the ring on your finger.’
‘I intended, for now, to wear it around my neck, as I don’t want everyone to be talking about it just yet.’
‘All right, if that’s what you want,’ Daniel said. ‘I’m glad we’ve got a plan we’re both happy with. And you are happy, aren’t you, my darling Connie?’
‘Oh yes!’ replied Connie.
‘Right, I’m glad we’ve sorted that out. But before I go,’ Daniel continued, ‘tell me how you really are getting on with Chrissie. Must be
very strange to suddenly have a new sister?’
‘It is odd,’ mused Connie, ‘but it isn’t Chrissie’s fault. Many times as I was growing up I wanted a sister. I envied my friend Sarah. Though she’d moan about her two big sisters, I could tell she loved them and missed them sorely when they left home when they went to work in the hotel. But Sarah had grown up with her sisters and that had to be different. The part I find the hardest is how Mammy is – how much she listens to Chrissie. She’s always asking her questions, and takes an interest in every aspect of her life. I used to tell her things once about the library and stuff like that, but I stopped because she just wasn’t interested. You asked me once where my mother thought I was, especially all those Sundays when we were out all day. Well, I never had to lie because she never asked, not even once.’
‘You haven’t told your mother how you feel, have you, Connie?’ Daniel asked. ‘It would really upset her to think you were this jealous, for that’s all this is.’
‘Tell Mammy – are you mad?!’ Connie cried. ‘I want the head left on my shoulders a little longer. And anyway, I am actually ashamed of how I feel, and I know I will have to put up with the situation anyway, like everyone else.’
Daniel was right – Angela had no idea Connie felt such mixed emotions towards Chrissie. But Chrissie had spent her young life watching people, so that she could almost anticipate what the warders might want before they made a request, which had helped her over the years to avoid a kick from them for being too slow. So she knew exactly what Connie was thinking and it saddened her. She tried to think up ways to make things better, for that would please Eileen as well as Angela.
Connie had finished a particularly gruelling physiotherapy session, and that evening Daniel had said he’d pick her up from the hospital in a taxi. He met her, and directed the taxi to the Jewellery Quarter, which wasn’t far from the hospital, so that Connie could choose her engagement ring.
There were so many beautiful rings to choose from, Connie found it hard to decide, but eventually she chose a ring of rose gold with a central ruby surrounded by cut diamonds.
