by Jake Wizner
He offered a tight smile and nodded.
“First of all, congratulations on even making it to the interview. I didn’t think you’d be able to get this far. You showed a lot of resourcefulness to get here, and I have to say, you held up pretty well under pressure tonight.” She looked back at her pad. “So let’s examine the facts. You did have sex with another girl, but obviously it wasn’t premeditated and obviously you regret having done it.” She met Max’s eyes. “Truthfully, since you and Olivia were never going out, there was technically nothing wrong with what you did. It certainly isn’t like you cheated on her.”
Right, Max thought. He felt himself starting to relax a little.
“On the other hand, as Callie said, it is pretty disrespectful to have sex with a girl and say it didn’t mean anything. And the way you acted when you saw Olivia with another boy shows that you can definitely be paranoid, impulsive, and reckless.”
She paused, and Max had to remind himself to breathe.
“I like you, Max. The question, though, is not whether I like you, but whether you and Olivia are right for each other.” She looked at him for a long time. “Although it pains me to do this, I have to do what I think will be best for Olivia in the long run.”
Max felt his heart fall into his stomach.
“My vote is ‘no.’”
He looked at Olivia.
“I’m sorry, Max,” Olivia said. “The verdict is final.” Then she walked into her bedroom and closed the door.
CASTRATION CELEBRATION
Act 4, scene 1
(One week later. Jane and Amber sit in Jane’s room.)
JANE: I’m telling you. He’s driving me crazy.
AMBER: I think it’s romantic. Flowers and love notes every day. I wish someone treated me like that.
JANE: Trust me, you don’t. I’m practically ready to go out with him again just so he’ll stop harassing me.
AMBER: Are you thinking about it?
JANE: I don’t know. Maybe.
AMBER: You know what you should do? Give him a test and make him prove himself. You know the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Bible?
JANE: Since when do you read the Bible?
AMBER: I’m trying to become more spiritual.
(Jane laughs.)
AMBER: Do you want to hear the story or not?
JANE (amused): Sure.
AMBER: Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so much that he agreed to work for her father for seven years. Then, her father screws him over and gives him Rachel’s sister instead. So Jacob’s like, what the hell, and the father says, all right, you can have the one you want, but only if you work for me for another seven years. And you know what? He did it. Fourteen years just to get the girl he loved.
JANE: I’m not waiting fourteen years to have sex again.
AMBER: Why not? You waited seventeen years before you had it the first time.
JANE: Listen to you. I bet you couldn’t even go seventeen hours without it.
AMBER: For your information, I haven’t slept with anybody for over a month. It’s all part of my new self-improvement plan.
JANE: No wonder you’ve been so grumpy lately.
AMBER: That’s not very nice.
JANE: I’m just kidding. I’m proud of you. Really.
(Sam knocks on the door.) JANE: Who is it? SAM: It’s me. JANE: Come in.
(Sam walks in, smiles at Amber, and looks away.)
AMBER: Hi, handsome.
SAM (blushing, holds out a wrapped present to Jane): Dick asked me to give you this.
JANE (taking the present and turning to Amber): Can you believe this? He’s got my little brother working for him now.
SAM: I think you should take him back.
JANE: Did he tell you to say that? Unbelievable.
AMBER: Open it.
(Jane rips the paper and a small book falls out. Jane starts to laugh.)
AMBER: What is it?
JANE: Pat the Bunny.
AMBER (confused): The baby book? Why did he send you that?
SAM: Maybe he wants to have a baby with you.
AMBER (devilishly): What do you know about having babies, Sam?
JANE: Oh, leave him alone. (to Sam) Did he say anything to you when he gave you this? Was there anything he wanted you to tell me?
SAM: Like what?
JANE: I don’t know. He just gave it to you and didn’t say anything?
SAM: He said, “Can you give this to your sister for me?” Then he told me if anyone ever messed with me to let him know and he’d take care of it.
AMBER: Oooh. Tough guy. So what’s the deal with the book?
JANE (putting it on her desk): Nothing. It’s stupid.
AMBER: Hey, Sam, if you were in love with me, would you do fourteen years of hard labor to marry me?
SAM (extremely embarrassed): I don’t know.
AMBER (pretending to be offended): You don’t know?
JANE: Leave him alone.
AMBER: Am I bothering you, Sam?
SAM (still embarrassed): No.
JANE: Okay, Sam, you can go now.
(Sam gets up and hurries to the door.)
AMBER: Fourteen years, Sam. Think about it.
SAM (without looking at her): Bye. (He exits.)
JANE: Better be careful. He might take you up on it.
AMBER: I should be so lucky.
JANE: So, seriously, what should I do? I mean, is it pathetic that I’m even considering going out with him again?
AMBER: Do you still love him?
JANE: No.
AMBER: You don’t?
JANE: I don’t know. Maybe I do. It’s all so complicated.
AMBER: Well, maybe you should give Dick some kind of test. At least to prove that he’ll be faithful.
JANE: Like what? Ask him to wear one of those ankle surveillance bracelets so I can track him wherever he goes?
AMBER: That would work.
JANE: Seriously.
AMBER: Why don’t you pay a prostitute to make a pass at him and see what he does? It’s almost impossible for a guy to say no to a hot girl who wants to have sex with him.
JANE: I’m not going to pay a prostitute to have sex with him.
AMBER: Well, let’s hope he says no then.
JANE: It’s a ridiculous idea.
AMBER: Why?
JANE: Where am I going to find a prostitute?
AMBER: Yellow Pages.
JANE: Come on. What do you think I should do?
AMBER: I could make a pass at him, if you want.
JANE: You slut.
AMBER: No, seriously, we could set the whole thing up.
JANE: He knows we’re best friends.
AMBER: That’s what makes it so good. Watch, you play Dick, and I’ll be me.
JANE: What?
AMBER: You’re at your locker and I come up to you. (pretending to talk to Dick) Hey.
JANE: This is stupid.
AMBER: Come on, just play along.
JANE (rolling her eyes): Fine. (as Dick) Hi.
AMBER: You know, I think Jane’s crazy not to take you back.
JANE (as Dick): Well, I did cheat on her, lie to her face, and act like a total asshole.
AMBER (giving Jane a dirty look): I really don’t understand her sometimes. You know she throws out everything you send her?
JANE: I do not.
(Amber gives Jane an exasperated look.)
JANE (as Dick): She does?
AMBER: I said if anyone sent me all those love notes and flowers, I’d probably marry him. And you know what she said?
JANE (as Dick): What?
AMBER: She said, be my guest. (Amber shakes her head and laughs.)
JANE (as Dick): She said that?
AMBER (leaning over and giving Jane a kiss on the cheek): I think she’s crazy.
JANE (wiping her cheek and becoming herself again): Oh my God, you slut.
AMBER: Look, I’m not going to do anything with him. If he tries something, I�
��ll tell him to screw off. And if he doesn’t try anything, you can take him back.
JANE: I feel sick.
AMBER: Sluggo Merk is having a party Saturday night. We’ll do it then.
JANE: I’m not going to a party at Sluggo’s house.
AMBER: You don’t have to. It wouldn’t work if you were there.
JANE: What are you planning to do?
AMBER: I don’t know. But believe me, I have plenty of experience coming on to guys.
JANE: That’s what scares me.
AMBER: Oh, would you relax. You think I’m gonna make out with your boyfriend?
JANE: What if Dick’s not there?
AMBER: Sluggo’s one of his best friends. He’ll be there. Now stop worrying so much. The worst thing that could happen is that Dick will try to kiss me, and then you’ll know you were right not to get back together with him.
JANE: It doesn’t feel right.
AMBER: Do you have a better idea?
JANE: I don’t know.
AMBER: Look, you obviously miss him and the only reason you haven’t taken him back is because you’re scared he’ll hurt you again. This is a perfect way to see if he’s changed.
JANE (hesitantly): I guess.
AMBER: Trust me. What could possibly go wrong?
(Curtain)
When three days had passed and Max had offered little more than a curt greeting to her when their paths happened to cross, Olivia opened a blank document on her computer and wrote a new version of one of her songs.
“We Belong Together” (remixed)
Bathroom floor, Ajax
Filthy rich, unpaid tax
Porno, fake climax
Redneck, congealed earwax
Constipation, Ex-Lax,
Menstruation, Tampax
Terrorist, anthrax
Olivia and Mad Max
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
Like England and bad weather
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
Adolf Hitler, Mussolini
Alcoholic, dry martini
Driving drunk, fierce collision
Little boys and circumcision
Richard Nixon, Watergate
Jim Crow South, segregate
Cheney, Rummy, Bush, Iraq
Slick Willy and his wily cock
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
Like a horse’s neck and tether
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
Catholic church, sex abuse
Ku Klux Klan and a noose
Texas, the electric chair
SUVs, polluted air
New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina
Brad and Jen and Angelina
Hair and lice, dog and flea
Me and Max, Max and me
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
Like S and M and leather
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
Olivia thought back to the night she had hatched her plan for Max’s interview. It had seemed so clever at the time, the kind of plot twist a good writer might come up with.
“You know the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Bible?” she had asked her suitemates, launching into a recounting of the tale. “The true test is what he does when everything falls apart for him.”
“So we rig the outcome,” Trish said.
Olivia sighed. “‘Rig’ is such an ugly word.”
“I don’t know,” Mimi said. “It doesn’t seem fair.”
“All’s fair in love and war,” Callie said.
“But the whole point of the interview is to see if he can be trusted. It doesn’t make sense to hope that he’ll go back on his word.”
“Of course it doesn’t,” Olivia said. “But you have to be willing to break the rules when it really matters.”
Trish nodded. “Like we’re about to do.”
Olivia smiled. “Exactly.”
So in the end Max had failed. Instead of fighting for what he wanted, he had faded away with barely a whimper. So much for breaking rules and following your heart. Didn’t he understand that the moment the bubble bursts is merely the climax, not the resolution? Shouldn’t he have realized that when things hit rock bottom, that’s when the protagonist must stand tall and prove himself? Couldn’t he see the dramatic possibilities he had been presented with? How disappointing for it to end this way.
And with Max having exited stage left, Olivia found that she was struggling to figure out what to write. Should Dick and Jane end up together? She was getting to a point in her story where she needed to figure this out, and the situation with Max was making her feel less and less sure of what the answer should be. She stared at the notes on her computer screen.
REASONS THEY SHOULD END UP TOGETHER
The audience expects a happy ending.
It would show how each character has grown—Dick has learned what true commitment means, and Jane has learned to transcend her anger and to forgive.
It would parallel the story of Beatrice and Benedick.
As angry and hurt as Jane is, she still likes him.
REASONS THEY SHOULD NOT END UP TOGETHER
It would be a jolt to those expecting a happy ending.
The play is called Castration Celebration, for crying out loud!
Because, in the end, boys will let you down.
It would send a strong feminist message that girls don’t need boys to be happy.
Art should imitate life.
She was still staring at her computer screen fifteen minutes later when her cell phone rang, and she saw that it was a call from home. Okay, she thought. She could use a diversion.
“Hi,” she said, picking up.
“Is this an okay time?” her mother asked, a note of apology in her voice.
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“Are you sure, because I could call back later if it’s not?”
God, why was she so annoying? “It’s fine, Mom, really.”
Olivia waited for her mom to say something, and began to tense up as the silence stretched to several seconds.
“So how are you, sweetie?” her mother asked at last. “How’s the writing going?”
“Everything’s going fine, Mom,” Olivia said, standing up and beginning to pace.
More silence. Something was definitely wrong.
“Are you okay, Mom?”
She heard her mother sniffle.
“Mom, what’s wrong? Is it Lucy?” The thought that her sister had gotten into real trouble flashed through her mind.
“No, Lucy’s fine,” her mother said in a quavering voice.
She felt a momentary surge of relief, which quickly turned to anger. “Did something happen with Dad?”
Her mother started to cry.
“Mom, what happened?”
“I’m sorry,” her mother said. “I shouldn’t have called you.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” she said, impatience and concern mingling in her voice. “Just tell me what happened.”
There was a long silence, and then her mother said, “Your father and I had a fight. That’s all. It’s over now.”
“What did he do?”
“Nothing. Nothing new. I just thought, maybe …” She stopped.
“Is he home now?”
She did not answer.
“I don’t know why you put up with it,” Olivia said. “Why don’t you just divorce him?”
“It’s not that easy. You’re too young to understand, but—”
“Too young to understand what?” Olivia said angrily. “That Dad cheats on you with girls half his age, and you don’t do anything about it?”
Her mother began to cry again, and Olivia pulled the phone away from her ear, clenched it in her hand, and screwed up her face. She took several deep breaths and then put the phone back to her ear.
“I’m sorry
, Mom,” she said in a softer tone. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay,” her mother said, tapering down to a few sniffles. “I shouldn’t have called you. I just wanted to hear your voice is all.”
Olivia pictured her mother sitting alone at the kitchen table with her cup of tea, and she felt a lump rising in her throat. Was it okay that she had left for the summer, with her father off screwing younger girls, Lucy becoming more rebellious, and her mother sinking deeper and deeper into her shell? Her fucking father. It was his fault that the family was falling apart.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Mom? I could come home if you want.” Please no, she thought.
“Oh, honey, I would never ask you to do that. You enjoy the rest of your program.”
“It’s only two more weeks,” Olivia said.
“Twelve days,” her mother said, with a little laugh. “Not that I’m counting.”
When Olivia got off the phone, she grabbed her keys and wallet, and walked quickly down the hall, down the stairs, and out into the evening air. She couldn’t be cooped up anymore or her head might explode. Moving briskly out the campus gate onto Elm Street, she turned right and walked away from Broadway, where everybody from the program would be. She didn’t know where she was going, it was just one step after another, pushing forward mindlessly. Her sandals slapped the sidewalk, and the steady smack of her steps filled her head. This was what she wanted, to clear her head, to pound out the anger and guilt and resentment and sadness without having to think about or visualize what was behind it.
