by Jake Wizner
AMBER: I hope he hits a home run.
JANE: Let’s just keep him on first base for now.
AMBER: You know, I think I’m going to give myself a nice long break from boys for a while. But when Sam turns eighteen, all bets are off.
(The girls laugh. Dick walks onstage.)
DICK: Good morning, ladies. (He leans down and gives Jane a kiss.)
JANE: I was just showing Amber the tape we made last night.
AMBER: You better behave yourself.
DICK: I know. What the hell was I thinking? (He sits.)
JANE (wrapping her arms around Dick): You were thinking how lucky you were to be getting another chance with the girl of your dreams.
DICK (smiling): Oh, yeah, now I remember. (He kisses her.)
AMBER: Well, I think I’ll head home before I throw up all over both of you. (She gets up and smiles at Dick.) Thanks for rescuing me last night.
DICK: No problem. It was actually really fun.
AMBER: So I’ve heard. (She exits.)
DICK: You told her?
JANE: She guessed.
DICK: What did she say?
JANE: I think she called me a slut.
DICK (laughing): She should talk.
JANE: Hey. That’s my best friend you’re insulting.
DICK: Sorry.
JANE: Besides, she’s sworn off boys until after she graduates.
DICK: No way.
JANE: That’s what she says.
DICK (running his hand through her hair): Well, don’t you go getting any ideas.
(They kiss. Dick looks up with a glint in his eye.)
DICK (as Benedick): Soft and fair, friar. Which is Beatrice?
JANE (catching on immediately, as Beatrice): I answer to that name. What is your will?
DICK (as Benedick): Do not you love me?
JANE (as Beatrice): Why, no; no more than reason.
DICK (as Benedick): Why, then, your uncle and the prince and Claudio have been deceived; for they swore you did.
JANE (as Beatrice): Do not you love me?
DICK (as Benedick): Troth, no; no more than reason.
JANE (as Beatrice): Why, then, my cousin, Margaret, and Ursula, are much deceiv’d; for they did swear you did.
DICK (as Benedick): They swore that you were almost sick for me.
JANE (as Beatrice): They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.
DICK (as Benedick): Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take thee for pity.
JANE (as Beatrice): I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield upon great persuasion, and partly to save your life, for I was told you were in a consumption.
DICK (as Benedick): Peace! I will stop your mouth.
(He kisses her. Music starts to play. They jump up and begin to sing.)
“Let’s Do a Little Shakespeare”
(Dick)
Before I met you, Beatrice
I was drifting all amiss
No idea where to steer
And then I found some Shakespeare
Yeah, I was ready to explode
All I wanted was to hit the road
Now I’m happy just to be right here
Let’s do a little Shakespeare
(Jane)
Before I met you, Benedick,
Guys like you just made me sick
That day in class, I hold it dear
We did a little Shakespeare
Yeah, I remember how we clicked
I loved your quick wit, Benedick
You whispered sweet words in my ear
We did a little Shakespeare
(Dick)
We had a good thing, Beatrice
But I was thoughtless and remiss
When I lost you, I was filled with fear
Would we do more Shakespeare?
(Jane)
Benedick, you nearly blew it
If it looks good, you can’t just screw it
I’m the only one, let’s make it clear
Then we’ll do more Shakespeare
(Dick)
Yeah, you’re so sexy, Beatrice
Come on over, give me a kiss
Mmm, mmm, you taste better
than the finest beer
Come on, baby, shake my spear
Come on, baby, shake my spear
JANE (laughing): You’re terrible.
DICK (putting his arm around Jane and starting to walk offstage): You know, Shakespeare actually wrote pornography in his spare time.
JANE (playing along): Did he really?
DICK: Little-known fact. He wrote a bawdy novel for Queen Elizabeth called The Deflowering of the Virgin Queen.
JANE: The things the history books leave out.
DICK: Tell me about it.
(Curtain)
Max and Olivia held hands as they walked with their friends through the courtyard after the show. It was a warm night, but the air felt light and clean and crisp. Curfew had been extended an hour, so groups of students were everywhere—sitting on the stairs, standing around the statue of Nathan Hale, spreading blankets on the ground, popping in and out of dorms. Max felt torn between his desire to spend this last night hanging out and reminiscing with his friends—especially Zeke—and his awareness that it was also the last chance he would have to be alone with Olivia for a very long time. Tomorrow morning he would be leaving early, and by the afternoon he would be home in New Orleans, halfway across the country.
Olivia was feeling flushed and happy from the rousing ovation the play had received. Seeing Max up there, watching him bring Dick to life so brilliantly, she had wanted to throw herself on him and make out the moment he came offstage. She had restrained herself, of course, and she was restraining herself now, but soon, when they were alone, she was planning to body-slam him, the way he had body-slammed her the day they met.
“I can’t believe this is really the last night,” Mimi said.
Trish laced her arm through Zeke’s. “We should do something wild and crazy.”
“We could all get naked and streak around campus,” Max suggested.
“I’ll give you twenty dollars if you do it,” Zeke said.
“Twenty dollars? No way.”
“How much then?” Trish asked.
“To run all the way around the courtyard naked, with everyone out?” He thought about it for a moment. “A hundred from each of you, and I’d consider it.”
“I’m not going to pay to see you naked,” Callie said.
“That’s too much,” Mimi agreed.
“Then forget the money,” Max said. “I’ll do it if one of you does it with me.”
They all looked at each other, hoping someone else would volunteer, but of course nobody did, much to Max’s secret relief.
“We should get drunk,” Trish said.
“Does anyone have alcohol?” Max asked.
Nobody did.
“I’ve got a joint we could smoke,” Zeke said.
“You brought it with you?” Max asked.
“I’ve got to spend the next week with my dad and stepmom in fucking rural Virginia. You think I’d go empty-handed?”
“I’d smoke some,” Callie said.
Max looked at Olivia, trying to gauge her reaction. “Not for me,” she said, “but go ahead if you want to.”
“I’ve never done it before,” Trish said. She looked up at Zeke. “Will you show me how?”
Mimi shook her head. “I can’t believe you guys. It’s so bad for you.”
“No worse than drinking,” Callie said. “Spark it up.”
“You’re going to smoke here?” Mimi look horrified. “People can see. They can smell. We’re right near the gate to the street.”
“Nobody’s looking,” Zeke said, pulling out the joint. “Just face away and act normal.”
“I’m going back to the dorm,” Mimi said.
“I’ll go with you,” Olivia said.
“Wait,” Max said. “We can all go back.”
“Don’t worry a
bout it,” Olivia said. “Just come find us when you’re finished breaking the law.”
Max looked at her. “Are you sure?”
“It’s fine,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “It’s kind of hot dating a criminal.”
“Maybe I’ll go with you guys,” Trish said. “Will you come find me when you’re done?” she asked Zeke.
“Sure,” he said. “We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Zeke lit the joint and passed it to Callie. She took a small hit, and then a second one when the joint came back to her. “That’s it for me,” she said, handing it to Max. “I’m going to head back to the room and see if we have any cookies.”
“Save some for us,” Max called after her.
“Cool chick,” Zeke said.
Max nodded, took a long drag, exhaled, and smiled at Zeke. “It’s good to see you, man.”
“Good to be here,” Zeke said, accepting the joint and taking a huge hit.
Max looked around the courtyard. “Yale Fucking University,” he said. “You remember getting high the first night we were here?”
Zeke smiled in reminiscence. “I remember your dad calling when you were totally wasted.”
“Unbelievable,” Max said, shaking his head. “He did that like every time I got high this summer.”
“You think he’ll call now?”
“Oh, shit.” Max took his cell phone out of his pocket and turned it off. He had already talked to his father earlier in the day, but there was no reason to take any chances. And if he was going to be with Olivia soon, he certainly did not want any interruptions.
“So what about you and Trish?” he asked, taking the joint. “You going to get together with her tonight?”
Zeke blushed slightly. “I don’t know. I’m thinking about it.”
“You totally should.”
“What are we going to do about sleeping arrangements?” Zeke asked.
Max considered this. “It could work if Mimi will move into Callie’s room. Then I could stay in Olivia’s room, and you and Trish could have ours.”
“That works,” Zeke said.
Max took another hit off the joint and thought about Olivia and the night that lay ahead of them. Everything had fallen into place. Zeke was here, and the performance had rocked, and they were getting good and high, and soon they would be heading in to the girls, who were waiting. He handed Zeke the joint. “We’re both getting laid tonight, right?”
Zeke took a hit, smiled, and began to thrust his hips back and forth. “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.”
It was at this moment that a New Haven policeman, passing by the campus gate on High Street, looked in and saw them.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I’m an idiot
Dear Olivia,
I, Max Diamand, being of (questionably) sound mind and body, do hereby swear that I will never again choose the cheap thrill of getting high over the much deeper and more pleasurable experience of spending time with my girlfriend, Olivia Sands. Furthermore, I swear that I will never engage in any behavior that will lead to arrest and incarceration, and that if, by chance, I am arrested and incarcerated, I will remain loyal and faithful to the extent that it is in my power to do so.
There. Now it’s in writing.
I don’t know if my dad is going to let me out of his sight again until I go away to college, but I’ll sneak off when he’s sleeping if I have to, fly to Hartford, and climb in your window. One way or another, I’ll figure out a way to see you again, because we still have some unfinished business to attend to. Criminally yours,
Max
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’m an idiot
Dear Max,
You must know from the play that the idea of you sneaking into my house in the middle of the night is a real turn-on. Just tell me what night you’ll be here, and I’ll leave the back door unlocked. Olivia/Jane/Beatrice
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’m an idiot
Three girls for the price of one. I like it.
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: reunion
Hi, everyone,
Great news. My parents said I could invite all of you to stay at our house during Columbus Day weekend. I know we just came home three days ago, but I wanted to let you know as soon as possible before you make any other plans. I hope you all can come. I miss you already.
Love,
Trish
P.S. No drugs allowed!
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: reunion
Attachments: castrationfinalscene.doc
Hey, guys,
Count me in for Columbus Day weekend. Maybe we can work on college applications together. Trish, are you still planning to apply to Yale early action? How funny would it be if you end up back in our dorm?
I decided the musical needed one more scene. If anybody ever turns this thing into a movie, this would be the part to roll with the final credits. Enjoy. Olivia
CASTRATION CELEBRATION
Act 5, scene 3
(In a holding cell. Sluggo and Biff sit next to each other on a bench, staring straight ahead. Neither one talks for several seconds. When they begin to speak, they do not look at each other.)
SLUGGO: How do you feel?
BIFF: Like shit. (pause) You?
SLUGGO: I’ve been better.
(They sit for a while in silence, and then both begin to speak at once.)
SLUGGO and BIFF: Listen—
(They look at each other and smile.)
SLUGGO: Go ahead.
BIFF: No, you first.
SLUGGO: Look, I’m sorry for … you know, that shit I pulled. I don’t know what came over me.
BIFF: Yeah, well, I’m sorry for fucking up your party and breaking your parents’ windows and shit.
SLUGGO: It’s okay.
(They sit in silence for a while.)
BIFF: So what’s the deal? You like to swing both ways or something?
SLUGGO (shaking his head): I don’t know. It’s confusing.
BIFF: What does that mean?
SLUGGO: I don’t know. It just is.
(They continue to sit in silence.)
SLUGGO: Can you believe this shit? My fucking parents won’t even cut their trip short to get me out of jail.
BIFF: My parents aren’t even away, and they still won’t come.
SLUGGO: Assholes.
BIFF: Tell me about it.
(They continue to sit in silence.)
BIFF: So what’s it like?
SLUGGO: What?
BIFF: You know. Doing it with another guy.
SLUGGO: I don’t know. I only did it once.
BIFF: What was it like?
SLUGGO: Why are you so interested?
BIFF: I’m not.
(They continue to sit in silence.)
SLUGGO: It hurt a little. But in a good way.
BIFF: That’s nasty, man.
SLUGGO: Fuck you. You’re the one who asked.
BIFF: You didn’t have to be so graphic.
(They continue to sit in silence.)
BIFF: I’d fuck a sheep before I’d fuck another guy.
SLUGGO: I know you would, Biff. I know you would.
(Curtain)
a cognizant original v5 release october 10 2010
My agent, Marcia Wernick, and my editor, Jim Thomas,
for continuing to advise, guide, support, and edit me
with such warmth and intelligence
My eighth-grade students at Salk, past and prese
nt,
for all the great conversations in class, even
the ones I wasn’t supposed to hear
Adam, Allie, Alyssa, and Katy, for sharing details
about life in a summer program at Yale
Mom, Dad, and Ben, for providing so much raw material
for the last book, and for not changing the family name
when you heard the title of this one
Marvin and Elie, for embracing the fact that the person who
wrote this book is sharing a bed with your daughter
Hilary, for giving me that line
Leilani and Cecily, for inspiring my silly side
And especially Kira, for making it all possible
JAKE WIZNER grew up in a dormitory at Yale, and some of his fondest childhood memories took place on the Old Campus, where this story is based. These days he lives in New York City with his wife and two young daughters and spends his time writing, teaching, and going to the playground.
Jake’s first book, Spanking Shakespeare, was an ALAYALSA Best Book for Young Adults. Learn more about Jake by visiting his Web site at www.jakewizner.com.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are
the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance
to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Text copyright © 2009 by Jake Wizner
Jacket photographs 1, 2 © Brand X Pictures/Royalty-Free Jupiterimages;
