He was delighted to see a pair of blue eyes shine with excitement as he laid out his plans, but he kept that to himself. It wouldn’t help Liam to know his best friend was secretly infatuated with his little sister.
“So, you’re saying that I condone my little sister going off into the wilds of Colorado mountains with a bachelor without any supervision.”
Everyone at the table turned astonished stares to Liam. He nodded his understanding and sighed. “I heard how stupid that statement sounded, but in my defense, only after it was out of my mouth.” Then Liam turned to Mary. “Is this something you would be agreeable to? I trust Doc to watch out for you, but still, the mountains are a wild and often dangerous place despite my friend’s good intentions.”
“Liam, you keep forgetting. I’m not a little girl and I have lived in those mountains for the last fourteen years. To you, it may seem wild and dangerous. To me, it feels like home. I’m at peace there. And yes, I’m agreeable. I’m most agreeable.”
Doc could hear the happiness in Mary’s voice and he had to admit he felt a spark of happiness too. Happiness and a little bit of something he refused to give a name to.
Offering a grin of his own, he allowed his gaze to roam around the table. Everyone at the table nodded in agreement to his idea, but when his gaze lit on Hope, she was actually smirking at him. He turned away from her keen eye knowing she would hound him mercilessly until she got him to admit he was attracted to Mary. Well, he intended to foil that plan by leaving first thing in the morning, which would leave Hope no time to pry into her employer’s personal life. By the time he returned, something more titillating would occupy her interest besides his love life . . . or lack thereof.
“Shall we all retire to the parlor for a round of nightcaps?” Hiram asked. Everyone stood and began gathering at the dining room entrance, before heading to the great parlor for more socializing and a final drink before bedtime.
Doc helped Mary from her chair and served as her escort since Liam was attending to his wife at the moment. He ignored the speculative look his friend gave him. He knew Liam well enough to know the man would have more questions about his attentions toward his sister. Many, many, many more questions, but he would avoid them tonight.
Lost in his own thoughts, he realized the room was nearly empty. It looked like Mary was having a problem with something.
“Everything alright?” John Malone asked from the doorway.
“Oh, yes. I’m still getting used to these cumbersome undergarments,” Mary quickly answered.
“Should I send my wife back to help?” the big man offered.
“No, I’ll be fine. I need to learn how these things work myself. Please don’t give it another thought. Doc and I will join everyone in a moment. Thank you for your kindness.”
John sent him a look of uncertainty and Doc echoed Mary’s sentiment. “Tell everyone we’ll be along in a minute.”
Grace’s husband seemed relieved to go and Doc turned his attention back to Mary. “Is there something I can do to help?” She seemed to be struggling with the hem of her dress, or a shoestring on her boot. From his point of view, he couldn’t really tell so he stood and waited.
Still bent over, fiddling with something, he heard Mary’s mumbled words. “Are they gone?”
He scanned the room and the empty doorway. “Yes, they’re all in the parlor.”
Mary rose and stood tall. “Good. I didn’t think I could take another minute of everyone’s scrutiny, especially Liam’s.” She brushed down her dress skirt and pulled her shawl off the back of her chair. “Would you mind if we went somewhere a little quieter? Just for a minute or two? Somewhere we can talk about your idea a bit more.”
“Sure, where did you have in mind?”
“How about the steps out the back door of the kitchen? Would that be frowned upon by my brother?” He could tell Mary was worried about the possibility of a confrontation with Liam, but apparently not enough to follow everyone to the parlor. “It isn’t as if my reputation is at stake and that’s something my brother is going to have to come to grips with soon . . . I hope.”
“Your brother knows that society’s conventions shouldn’t apply to you, but on the other hand, he’s hoping if your reputation here can be protected, those people who may be tempted to use your past against you, might think twice about criticizing you.”
Mary laughed. “And you think that’s possible? People in your world will accept me for who I am? With this?” She reached up and touched the ridges made by the primitive tattoos on her cheek. He heard the skepticism behind her words.
He didn’t answer and instead led her down the hall and out the kitchen door passing the kitchen staff.
“Hi, Doctor Howard,” Sarah called out to him. He saw the look of speculation in the woman’s gaze as she watched them leave by the back door. Alone. He knew she was infatuated with him. He’d be a fool not to notice, but he tried his best to be kind to her without giving her any false hope he would ever be interested in return. She was a very nice lady and he wouldn’t want to hurt her for the world.
Once outside, he helped Mary sit on the top step and he took his seat next to her. She bumped his shoulders with hers. “Now answer my question. Do you really think it’s possible for people to look at me and see past this?” She pointed to her cheek.
He took a moment to choose his words. “Honestly? No. I don’t think that’s possible. There’s too much hatred and misconceptions people have about one another. But, if people could take the time to get to know each other . . . really get to know each other, I believe there could be progress. People from different backgrounds—different races—could begin to see each other as simply human beings. And if everyone could be kind and compassionate toward each other, how could we not get along better?”
Doc realized he’d let his emotions get tangled up in his attempt to explain to Mary that without human compassion, there was no hope at all.
She studied him closely and it made him uncomfortable. “It sounds to me like you have firsthand experience in this sort of thing. Care to share?”
Laughter from inside the house gave him a moment to think of a plausible answer to Mary’s very pointed and too-close-for-comfort question. “I’ve had years and years of observations, Mary? I’ve spent a lot of time with a lot of different kinds of people and it doesn’t take long to spot injustices on both sides.” He hoped his answer would satisfy Mary’s curiosity.
Instead, she looped her arm around his and scooted closer still.
“I sense there’s more to you than a simple country doctor in a remote mountain town, Doc,” she teased him in a conspiratorial whisper. Her breath brushed against his ear, cheek, and neck sending ripples of desire through his body. Stunned into silence by his attraction to the woman sitting beside him, he froze in place. Mary sensed something was wrong. “Doc? Are you alright?” She reached up and place her hand on his cheek and turned his face towards her. When he didn’t answer—couldn’t answer—but instead simply stared at her, she leaned in and kissed him.
Her lips brushed his, her hand never leaving his cheek. He didn’t move for fear he would do something he would regret in the morning because he really wanted to kiss her back. When he didn’t, she pulled away and searched his face for answers.
“I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you in the woods. I don’t think you realize how handsome you are, Doctor Howard.” She was teasing him again, but for the life of him, his sense of humor had abandoned him and all he seemed able to do at the moment was stare.
“Would you like to go inside and have that drink after all?” She was sensing something was amiss with him.
“I would love to Mary, but I just remembered I have an early patient coming into the office tomorrow. How about let’s talk more tomorrow about our first day trip up into the mountains? Would you like that?” he offered hoping to distract her.
“I’d love that. I’m sorry you have to go so soon. I was looking forward
to getting to know you better.”
“All in good time, Mary O’Brien. All in good time,” he assured her, but he knew he was already retreating emotionally. He couldn’t afford to get involved, with Mary, or with anyone else for that matter. It was just too painful when things went wrong.
Doc escorted Mary back inside and down the hallway to the parlor door then quickly and quietly left the Hanover home. He didn’t have the emotional stamina to head off leading questions about him and Mary from Liam, Hope, or anyone else.
His quick strides took him home where he undressed and lay down on his cot in the corner of the room. Folded arms behind his head, he stared up at the ceiling and listened to the night sounds of town. Piano music tinkled from the Holy Moses. Muted laughter somewhere down the street tugged on his memories. Loneliness drifted over him and memories of his mother and Rebecca washed over him.
A gunshot popped in the distance followed by two more. It was a sound he hated for it reminded him of the day his mother and been taken and murdered while he could only stand and watch. He wished he could share with Liam just how much he understood the enormous guilt he felt at not being able to save his sister. He felt the same guilt at not being able to save his mother.
But what’s a boy of seven to do against a handful of armed men bent on destruction. At times the guilt was so overwhelming it was like a wave in the ocean near his father’s home in Boston. The waves seemed gentle and benign at first, but when they rushed in and then pulled back out to sea the unseen forces could pull at your legs until they swept you off your feet. Then once you were down in the water, those same gentle-looking waves rushed in and broke over you, stealing the breath from your lungs.
He was tired too and he hoped those gunshots didn’t mean that at any moment someone would be knocking on his door expecting him to dig out the bullets from someone’s body to save their life. It was his job to save people and he would do his job, but right now, he just wanted peace from the pain Mary’s return had resurrected in his own life.
Doc turned in his bed and stuffed his pillow over his head to quieten the noises. Why was he suddenly haunted by his past—the same past he’d managed to keep at bay for all these years, twenty-three to be exact. What had changed to make these memories so raw? He lay under the dark cloak of his pillow for a few minutes more when the answer came creeping into his conscience.
Ever since he’d stumbled onto Mary and heard her story of survival, resilience, and her remarkable ability to still love after everything she’d been through, his subconscious had taunted him calling him a coward because he was afraid of discovery.
But he knew the consequences of the truth. He’d experienced it before. So, yes, he was afraid to acknowledge the painful path he’d walked to become a man. He was too weak to stand tall and let others see the real man. And he was too ashamed to share his lifetime of cowardice with the people he had grown to love and respect. If they knew what he was guilty of, they would turn their backs and leave him behind—wouldn’t they?
And that would be like losing his family all over again. That would be like enduring Rebecca’s rejection all over again. He just didn’t have it in him.
Chapter 10
Mary was caught off guard by Doc’s abrupt departure. He’d escorted her to the parlor door and left without a word of goodbye to anyone. Had her kiss upset him? Was she that repulsive even to a man familiar with what she’d been through at no fault of her own? The thought saddened her. She thought Doc understood her.
“Is everything alright?” Hope came to stand beside her as she stared at the closed front door Doc had disappeared through.
“I don’t know . . . exactly.”
“Where’s Doc?” Hope looked around for him.
“He’s gone. He and I were talking one minute, and then he suddenly remembered he had an early patient and he just got up and left.”
“You two were just talking and he suddenly said he had an early patient?” Hope’s puzzlement at the statement told Mary the excuse was just that . . . an excuse.
“Well, I might have overstepped a boundary or two.”
Instead of denying Doc’s story, she placed an arm around Mary’s shoulders and gave her a slight hug. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Doc is a curious creature. I’ll be honest, if I may. The man has been the object of a matrimonial gold rush ever since I arrived in this town. Marriageable aged woman and their mothers have dogged that man at every turn, but he’s quite elusive that one.”
“He is?”
“Yes, quite. But I wouldn’t worry if I were you.”
“You wouldn’t?” Mary wasn’t sure what Hope thought she was worried about, but she’d like to hear what the woman who worked so closely with Doc had to say just the same.
“I’ve worked for the man a while now, and I’ve never seen him infatuated with anyone before, at least not until you arrived. And no one was more surprised than I was when he suggested the two of you ride off into the mountains and gather herbs together. That’s an activity he won’t even let me help him with. It’s almost a spiritual thing for him and he guards that part of his life very closely.”
“He does? Really? He won’t let anyone help him?” Mary was astonished at that bit of information. He’d seemed so open and relaxed when they shared the experience on the trail over the mountain to Creede.
“Nope. Not a single person since I’ve known him.”
Mary stood in silence thinking about the possibilities Hope’s words could mean.
“Can I give you a word of advice, Mary? From my perspective? I’ve spent a lot of time with Doc and I probably know him better than just about anyone in this town, including your brother.”
“Of course.”
“I consider Doc my friend and I would never talk out of turn with any confidence he had shared with me. But I think it’s safe to say that somewhere in Doc’s past, he was hurt. Badly. He’s never said so, so I’m making an educated guess based upon the few facts I know, and my intuition. I could be off the mark entirely, but I suspect the reason Doc has never married is that there is something in his past that makes it impossible for him to open up to anyone on a deeply emotional level.”
“So you think a woman has broken his heart?” Mary asked and was surprised at the feelings those words elicited. It felt a bit like jealousy, but that was ridiculous . . . wasn’t it?
“I can’t state that for a fact because the man refuses to talk about his past. I know nothing about where he grew up, how he spent his childhood. Who his parents are—or were? Where they lived? Where he even got his education to be a doctor. It’s all a mystery. And, it’s his total refusal to even speak about his past that leads me to believe there’s something there he would rather forget. Completely. Now I ask you what else would lend to that sort of censorship of a person’s past than the desire to forget it.”
“What’s to be done about it then?” She hated to think of such a kind man who spent so much time caring for others in such pain himself.
“Again, I’m sticking my nose where it probably isn’t wanted, but” Hope smiled and leaned in closer so only Mary could hear what she said. “I think Doc’s wound has never been doctored.”
Mary frowned at Hope. “I don’t understand.”
“It means like any deep cut or wound, if you don’t let it heal from the inside out and you cover it up, the wound will fester over time. And even if you can’t see any signs of the wound, the puss is still underneath getting worse and making the wound deeper and the body sicker. Eventually, you have to deal with the problem. You either open the wound and push out all the poison and let it heal like it should have at the beginning or the wound festers. And that’s not good because it can cause irreparable damage to the body. In this case, body and mind.”
Mary understood exactly what Hope was talking about. Her years as a slave were cruel. She spent those years in isolation with no one to share her pain or suffering. When she was traded to the Utes, she was angry and violent and prefe
rred death to more time like the past years she’d spent as a slave.
But she was surprised by the kindness of the Ute people. At first, she behaved like an animal attacking whoever brought her food. Trying to escape each time someone wasn’t watching her. But it didn’t take long to realize, she was only hurting herself. When she threatened to run away in the night, no one tried to stop her. She did managed to leave the village one summer evening, but it didn’t take her long to realize she was not equipped to survive in the great wilderness.
Exhausted and hungry, she became lost and for three days she stumbled her way through the thick forests of the mountains trying to find her way. On the third night, she remembered crying herself to sleep shivering from the chilled air and so hungry she would gladly have eaten anything had she had the strength to lift it to her mouth.
She prayed she would die in her sleep for this life was much too hard to endure and she would rather be dead than live in it another minute.
But, the next morning, when the sun broke over the mountain tops and warmed her face, she cried out in great despair for she couldn’t even die to escape her misery. But when a woman’s soft voice spoke gently to wake her, Mary realized she was back in the Ute village surrounded by concerned faces. She learned the village had sent out a search party to find her and bring her back to safety. The women washed the filth from her body and gave her clothes to wear and food to eat. But most of all, Mary remembered the kindness and love they offered her. And when she finally let go of her fear and anger, she learned to love them back. She was forever grateful to these people and from that moment on, she had no desire to leave. They were her family now.
“I understand how something like that can happen to someone,” Mary admitted.
Hope smiled and offered her a kiss on her tattooed cheek. “I had a feeling you would. I think Doc is headed out tomorrow morning for a trip to the mountains to hunt for roots and plants. He didn’t say so, but I can read him well enough after all this time to predict when he needs to be alone.
Mary Page 12
