The taste of the sauce and her mixed erotically in my mouth. When she moved back a few seconds later, her eyes were glazed with lust. “It tastes great,” she said as she licked her lips.
“You don’t want us to eat today, do you?” I asked and without taking her eyes from me she reached down and grabbed the rock-hard bulge straining against my pants.
She grinned cheekily. “Actually, I do, but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to tease a big cock and now I know.”
I inhaled deeply. “Ah, that. We have the whole night for you to understand what teasing a big cock gets you.”
32
Willow
After that huge dinner, like two pythons who had each swallowed a goat, we collapsed on the big, modern couch that looked like it never seen a butt in its life. I thought about giving him that blowjob Sandra had taught me to do in detail, but nah. Too full. Later. We had all night. Sprawled next to Caleb I monopolized the remote and surfed the TV channels.
As I paused a moment on a Modern Family scene I recognized and loved. That was when he made a shocking admission that he had never seen the hilarious family sitcom. That was it. I immediately tossed out our plans to watch a movie together and settled on that instead.
I was very comfortable. Caleb had even thrown a blanket my way which was nice, but when I looked over at him he looked like he would make an even better pillow for me, so I lazily shifted myself over until I was wrapped around him, and his big, powerful hands were curled up around me. And there I stayed, a warm blanket over me and his delicious heat under me. I had never felt more content or more at home in my entire life.
I loved the gentle rise and fall of his chest, and intoxicating scent of spices and wood. It was like being inside a gorgeous dream.
I could have stayed like that forever, but my phone began to ring. My first thought was to ignore it, but what if it was mother? What if something had happened at home? I quickly peeled myself from him and hurried over to get my phone from my purse.
Just as I found the phone, it died on me. “Damn.” I took my phone with me and returned to the couch. I knew Caleb had an i-Phone too. “Caleb, my battery is out of juice. Can I use your charger?”
He was in the kitchen, pouring a bag of popcorn kernels into the microwave to be popped. “Sure. It’s in my bedroom. Just go up the stairs, first room on the right. You’ll find it on my nightstand.”
“Thank you,” I replied, my heart warming all over again. Ever since I had got here he’d done all he could to ensure I felt at home in is house. And even though I knew that it wasn’t the case, it was almost too easy to believe that this was my house too. I’d even caught myself earlier on rearranging items on the shelves of his refrigerator door, and bagging all his leeks, and putting them neatly in the vegetable drawer.
I passed the staircase, lined with art, but no pictures of his family, and thought back to the account he had given me about his mother. After what he said about her I hadn’t had the backbone to ask about his father. Someday when we’re closer and when he was comfortable enough to trust me, maybe he would tell me himself.
Caleb seemed like the kind who bottled everything inside and stayed aloof. I wanted him to express himself, to reveal himself to me, but I was patient. I wasn’t going anywhere. I could wait as long as it took.
I arrived at his bedroom and walked in. It was decorated in the same neutral tones as the rest of the house. It was somewhat soothing to me, but it was completely without personality, the way expensive homes usually are. Not a thing out of place, everything color coordinated to death. Soulless but so what, it was Instagram worthy.
Only one side of the bed was slightly rumpled, and it made me smile. It was kind of a small confirmation that I was the only one he had eyes for. At least, at the moment.
I didn’t find his charger where he said it’d be, so I pulled the drawer open, hoping that it would be there, and to my relief it actually was. I rose with it and was just about to turn away when I realized that amongst the odds and ends, was something that looked somewhat familiar.
That made me stop.
Why would anything in his room look familiar to me? I’d never been here before. Almost in a daze, I leaned down and reached in, and pulled out a bright pink watch. I stared at it. I had never seen it in my life, and yet for a moment there, something had tugged at me. Not a whole memory, but the scent of one.
I wondered why he would have something that should belong to a little girl. Did he have a little sister or cousin?
I glanced at the door and back at the watch. I turned the watch around and something struck me.
At first it was just a light pressure in my chest, then tears filled my eyes. I reached up in awe to touch them as they rolled down my face. It was the strangest thing. What the hell was affecting me in this way? I looked again at the watch in my hands and something flashed in my mind.
A memory had escaped from the impenetrable fog.
I felt my knees buckle as I collapsed to the ground to a crouched position.
I had never ever had a memory return like this. Yes, little fragments in my dreams that I couldn’t piece together when I awakened. Never like this, when I was fully awake and conscious, and never with such vividness and clarity.
I was in an unkempt backyard and I had a red water balloon in my hand. I was running, my high pitched little voice was filled with excitement and laughter. I was chasing someone, so I couldn’t see his face. I threw the balloon at him and it hit his back, and exploded, drenching him.
“I’ve won,” I was screaming. “I’ve won.” But my words were cut short by a balloon hitting me right on my chest. It took my breath away.
A woman’s gruff voice said, “Don’t let him off that easily, hon. There’s more balloons right here.”
Then the fog that had lifted, allowing that one memory through, closed in on me again.
“Wow!” I breathed and blinked. To my shock another image suddenly came to me. It was like dropping a stone into a lake and watching the ripples spread.
I was seated in a bus and I was hugging a backpack tightly to my chest. There were other people sitting around me, but I was all by myself, and I was heading somewhere. I couldn’t tell where.
On my little wrist was the pink watch I was now holding in my hand.
The memory went as quickly as it had come, but that flash of the past came with feelings. The little me was sad. She was very, very sad. The crushing emptiness and loss inside her was so all-encompassing I could feel it even now in my bones. The inexplicable sadness was so stunningly real I suddenly found I couldn’t breathe properly. I took short gasping breaths.
I shut my eyes and urged more memories to appear, but it seemed there were no more. I didn’t know how long I stayed there, waiting, hoping and praying for more, but tight fog was letting no more out. I looked up when my senses picked up on the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor. He burst into the room and stopped when he saw me sitting on the floor.
He froze and I was able to make out the terror on his face. It was almost as jarring as the memories had been. I felt as if I was in a dream. Why was he so terrified? I tried to rise, but it seemed every iota of strength in my body was gone. I felt as weak as jelly.
“I’m okay,” I wanted to say but the words would not form in my mouth.
He rushed to me, and pulled me into his arms. “What’s wrong, baby? What’s wrong?”
I opened my hand and showed the watch to him. “What is this?”
33
Caleb
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I had screwed up. Royally! Without a thought, I’d told her to come to the room to get the charger, but when she had not returned after a few minutes, I knew instinctively what had happened. She’d found the watch. I’d fucked up.
My heart felt as if it had fallen out of my chest then.
I had dashed up the stairs and froze. It was my handiwork. I’d brought the past back into her life. My carelessness had hurt
my baby. Her eyes were filled with tears. Her mouth was open but no words were coming out. She was trying to rise to her feet, but she couldn’t.
She was in shock.
I’d done the one thing I’d sworn to myself I’d never do. Trigger her memories. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to go back to the time before I told her to go look for the charger in my bedroom, but fate had never cared what I wanted. Even as I ran to hold her in my arms I already knew I couldn’t fix this. Nothing would be the same again.
I wrapped my arms around her. I wanted to rock her to sleep, back to before she found the watch. Instead, she grabbed onto me in desperation. “What is this?” she asked.
I bought myself time and shifted my gaze towards the pink watch she held in her trembling hand. What was I going to say? How much did she know?
“Caleb,” she whispered breathlessly, “I used to have a watch like this when I was young. Why do you have this?”
Her eyes showed her hope and fear at the same time. That perhaps I was someone from her past that she didn't recognize.
I felt sick to my stomach.
I longed to tell her the truth. I wanted it so much, I had to bite back the words, but it was clear from her question that she had not remembered her uncle and what he had done to her.
Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I remembered sitting in a bus. I felt grief... terrible, terrible grief. I never... I never have before. It was horrible. This is the memory of the grief I forgot. And a balloon fight. I remember playing with a boy.”
I couldn't look into her pained eyes anymore. I knew what she was asking. Was I the boy?
Yes, Willow. I was that boy. I threw the balloon at you.
I crushed her to my chest and ran my hands softly down her back to soothe her the best way I could, then I lied to her. I lied to my baby. As I lied tears burned my eyes. I blinked them away fiercely. This much and more I will do for you, my little Willow.
“This watch used to belong to a close friend of mine when I was younger. It’s not you. It’s not yours,” I lied.
My words made her body go limp. She was disappointed. She wanted it to be me. She didn’t know it, but she had been waiting for me. Waiting to fulfill the promise we had made to each other that night of the fire.
I continued to hold her as she recovered. When I became concerned about the twisted position she was in, I lifted her into my arms and carried her down the stairs. She hid her face and hands in my chest. Gently, I laid her on the couch and wrapped us both in the thick blankets. I left the TV on so that she could listen to it to distract her. For a long time neither of us spoke. She stared blankly at the flickering TV screen even though I knew she was not watching it.
It must have been at least twenty minutes later, when I heard her small voice say, “That memory must have been from when I first arrived at Bitter Creek because I was so full of sorrow. I must have been mourning for my parents.”
“Yes, probably,” I murmured.
“My psychologist told me not to force the recollection of my memory. That my mind was protecting me because the pain and trauma of what happened was too great. And as time went on, and as I became stronger I would be able to remember things, but I never have. Not until today. Not until I saw that watch. Maybe I had one like that.”
I placed a kiss on her sweetly scented hair and held her even tighter to me.
“That watch ... I guessed it must have been a gift from them. It felt like something I’d lost a very long time ago.”
She lifted her head to mine. “This might be too much to ask but, do you mind if… if… I have it? Just for a little while. I promise I’ll return it to you. It’s the first thing that has been strong enough to trigger a memory for me and maybe having it with me will trigger more memories.”
I had vowed that I would protect her, and instead I had inadvertently led her into this pit. I felt as if I was being ripped to shreds from guilt and remorse. I was a fucking selfish bastard. As if I needed to see that watch every night. I should have locked it away.
“Do you have to remember?”
“I want to,” she said simply.
“Why not let the memories come slowly, when they want to? Why force them?”
“You cannot understand what it’s like to know there is something there behind the veil. Something… I can’t explain it, but it feels as if there is not only sadness, but something sinister. Something dangerous. Often, it makes me feel I’m not living like everyone else. It’s as if I’m waiting for something... or someone. Like I am just existing, or going through the motions until I find it. I don’t want to be stuck in limbo anymore. I don’t want to run anymore. I want to deal with whatever is hidden in that fog and move on.”
“You can have the watch,” I said.
She reached up to plant a gentle kiss on my cheek. Then she pulled out of my hold, and stood to her feet. “I want to go home,” she said. “Will you take me home?”
34
Willow
“Aren’t you going to work today?” my mom asked from the door.
At the question, I raised my head from my pillow and turned towards her. I never wanted my mom to worry so I put on my best smile. “I feel a bit lazy this morning so I asked Sandra to come in early today.”
“Well, you rest as long as you like. You’ve earned it,” she said as she shrugged her arms into her robe. “I’m making blueberry pancakes. I’ll bring some up for you.”
“Thanks, mom, but you don’t have to do that. I’ll come down for them.”
She half-shut my door and went down the stairs. I returned my gaze to the window I had been staring out of ever since Caleb had dropped me off last night. I hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep, and it was just making everything worse.
I stayed in bed, until the whiff of pancakes cooking in butter wafted up the stairs and into my bedroom. I jumped up then. As I was making my way to the bathroom, my phone vibrated with an incoming text.
I picked it up and saw Caleb’s message.
Feel like a quick trip away today? I’m thinking Palm Springs. We could be on a plane Friday, and I’ll ensure to get you back by Sunday evening, or Monday morning at the latest.
I stared at the message bemused. So this was what it was like when you had a boyfriend. They cooked large meals and invited you on weekend trips away. Before I could reply, another text arrived in my inbox.
Come on, Willow. I’ve been having a hard time too. Let’s forget it all for a day or two and just relax. If you feel bad about being indebted to me, you can pay me back later.
I couldn’t help responding then. With a smile on my face I typed back:
You’re my boyfriend. Why do I have to pay you back?
Calling him my boyfriend felt quite strange to me, but it also brought with it a sense of joy and contentment.
Fantastic! We have a date then?
I laughed, and sent my reply.
I have to tell my parents about you first. Let’s see how that goes.
The answer was immediate.
Don’t worry. I’ll turn on the charm. They’ll love me.
I was grinning when I answered him.
Very sure of yourself, aren’t you?
His answer made my toes curl.
It’s very hard to resist a man who is crazy about your daughter.
I felt almost light-headed with joy as I headed off to take a shower, and by the time I got out, all I could think about was spending time with Caleb on a beach somewhere, and allowing my mind to roam freely.
I got ready and went downstairs to the kitchen. It was filled with everything that was familiar to me. The pancakes were warming in the oven and both my parents were there. My mom was laughing hard at something, and my dad grunted at me. He was not a morning person. I felt great love for him at that moment. I would always miss my biological parents, but I owed these two kind souls everything. They had taken me in when I was confused and lost and loved me unconditionally.
I sat at the table.
&n
bsp; I didn’t want to lie to them anymore, not even by omission. “Mom,” I called.
She wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes and turned to me. “Yeah? Can you believe your dad is adding sardines to a peanut butter sandwich?”
“Oh, weird,” I said.
He sent a scowl my way.
“I … uh ... I wanted to say that I’m going on a short trip today.”
The idea was no doubt surprising. I never went anywhere. Ever. I waited for the few seconds it took both parents to process it.
“That sounds great,” my mom said cautiously. “Who are you going with? Sandra?”
“No... um…”
“You’re going alone?” My dad interjected, his voice slightly raised with alarm.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, sweetie,” my mom said at the same time.
“I’m not going alone. I’m going with a… uh... with a friend.”
They turned to look at each other, then turned back to me.
“Friend? What friend?” my dad asked.
“You’re going with a man?” she asked.
I nodded again, and the room was thrown into silence.
“You have a boyfriend?” my mother asked incredulously.
I nodded again. I guess it was safe to say I ruined my father’s peanut butter and sardine sandwich.
35
Caleb
I didn’t expect to meet Willow’s parents so soon, but I was ready. I had been planning this day for twelve years.
I gave myself a clean shave and dressed simply in light tones. A white shirt paired with an unthreatening dove gray suit. I had long understood that I gave off an aura that was dark. It served me well inside, but it was the last impression I wanted to have on the people who had so graciously and beautifully raised Willow on my behalf. I was filled with gratitude and admiration for them and I had big plans for them too. I planned to change their lives so it was unrecognizable to them. New house, new furniture, new bank accounts, and lots of travel, anywhere they wanted to go.
Saint & Sinner: A Second Chance Romance Page 14
