by Frankie Love
"I don't know." I sigh. "Look, I don't know anything. I'm just tired and frustrated. And I feel like our costume is really weird."
Noah laughs. “It is. I'm going as a doctor."
"Exactly. It doesn't even make any sense. This doesn't make any sense,” I say, gesturing to the pair of us.
"We don't make any sense?"
I pull back, irritated. "What do you mean, we don't make any sense?"
"I don't know. You're the one who said it, who started this.”
"Started what?" I realize at this moment that I am taking my best friend on an emotional roller coaster that he never asked for, but I don’t care. Truth is, I’m tired. Tired of hiding my truth. My emotions. My real desire. I’m tired of the man I love not seeing me when he so easily can see everyone else. I feel like a ghost.
"Look, Lucy,” he says, shaking his head. “I'm sorry for anything I did or didn't do. I'm sorry. I mean it. I didn't mean to offend you. You looked incredible in that costume. You know you did. I got all worked up because you looked too good."
"Oh, so now that's a problem? Looking too good? Would you say that to Natalia or Betty?" I know how bratty I sound, and I wish I could pull back my words and start again. But if given the chance, would I be brave enough to be honest with Noah?
"Natalia and Betty have nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with me. You are what matters to me."
"Right," I say through gritted teeth, realizing once again that I am forever in his friend zone.
Noah, seeming satisfied with the answer, lets his shoulders fall. "Look, Lucy. We can still go have a good night. We can go get some ramen and go to that arcade you like. We can play Tetris — I’ve got a pocket full of quarters with your name on ‘em.”
I shake my head. "No, I honestly do have to study. And not with Hammy, by myself. Okay? Tomorrow is Halloween and we’ll have a great time. Jake always throws a good party. And you're home,” I say, taking his hand and squeezing it. "So I don't want to fight with you, I want to enjoy this. Okay?"
"Okay," he says. He gives me a hug and I breathe him in. He smells like Old Spice, which I always tease him about. He smells like a grandpa, but the best kind. A strong and handsome grandpa with stubble on his jaw and biceps so large, they wrap around me and hold on tight like they won't ever let me go. I close my eyes, breathing him in, letting this moment settle over me, wishing we could rewind the clock and go back in time.
I would pick his house on my 13th birthday when I was so mad at my body for giving me breasts and at my hips for growing curvy and at my emotions for wobbling up and down. Like they are right now. I started crying in front of Noah in the middle of watching The Goonies and I was mortified, but he wasn't. He simply took my hand and held it, even through the scary parts, and eventually I calmed down. He told me no matter how I changed, he'd always be my best friend. I believed him.
And now, when he pulls apart from our hug and his eyes meet mine, he repeats the line. "No matter what changes, you'll always be my best friend."
I walk away wanting to believe his words are a promise, not an omen.
When I get home, I'm emotionally exhausted. I pass the jack-o-lanterns on the porch, grinning up at me, and inside, the house smells like fresh baked bread. And there is a big stock pot on the stove. Aunt Marlene is at the sink, and I give her a kiss on the cheek, leaning toward the pot to see what she's been cooking. "That smells incredible," I say.
"It's stew,” she says, "and fresh bread."
"Sounds perfect," I say. But then I glance in the sink and see two dirty bowls and plates. “Oh, did you already eat?”
Her cheeks flush, and she waves me off. “I just finished.”
“But you had company?” I grab a clean ladle from a drawer, and she pulls out a bowl for my stew.
“Oh, it was just a friend,” she says, waving the question off, and turning to the stove. Then, as if remembering something, she turns to me. “Wait, why are you here? I thought you and Noah were going to get dinner?"
I wave it off, carrying my bowl to the table as she grabs the basket of bread. "I wasn't up for it. I'm tired. I've been exhausted from school this week."
"I don't doubt it, sweetheart. You know, you don't have to have a four-point-oh grade point average to get a job after nursing school."
"I know," I say, "but I want to do my best."
She squeezes my hand and passes me a napkin. "I'm proud of you," she tells me. “Now tell me what you and Noah decided on."
I swallow, realizing there is no way in hell I can tell my aunt who has taken care of me since I was eight years old that I'm dressing up as a sexy nurse for Halloween. That I'm going to walk out of this house in a pair of thigh-high stockings and a plunging neckline. It's just ridiculous. It's not that my aunt's a prude, but I mean... Okay, she's a bit of a prude. I’ve never seen her go on a date once.
“Um, we actually didn't decide on anything," I lie, grateful I’d shoved my shopping bag under my sweater when I walked into the house.
“But Lucy,” she says. "Halloween's tomorrow. Did you guys get in a fight or something?"
"Why would you say that?"
My aunt shrugs. "I don't know. But you just look upset, and I know after last Halloween, with Noah gone, you've been really looking forward to this one."
"It's just Halloween," I say. "Maybe it's time I..." I swallow. "Maybe it's time I grew up."
"Well, you can still be a grown-up and have matching costumes with your best friend for Halloween," she says. "It's allowed."
I press my lips together. "Maybe, but you know how I've never dated anyone?" I say to her, spreading my hands across the tablecloth.
She smiles slowly. "Yes, I'm aware."
"I was just thinking maybe it's time I did date someone, like actually find myself a boyfriend."
"I thought maybe you were dating Charlie Ham," my aunt says. She knows everyone. She works at the grocery store downtown and seems to always know the gossip just like Betty, who works at the coffee shop. But she got this tidbit wrong.
"I'm not dating Charlie. He's my friend, and he's a nice guy. I don't know why everyone is so opinionated about him.”
"It's not that there’s something wrong with him,” my aunt says. "It's just, he's a little... I just don't think he'd get your sense of humor."
"My sense of humor?"
My aunt smiles. "You have a skull on your sweater, darling."
I look down at my chest. My heart feels extra dark right now, bleak, dead.
The idea of Noah not wanting me breaks my heart. I've been waiting for our chance for so long. The idea of it not happening feels like I've lost something I never had.
After eating quickly, I excuse myself from the table, not wanting to get into it with my aunt. Once in my bedroom, I shove the nurse costume in my drawer. What was I thinking? There's no way in hell I'm wearing it tomorrow. I'll find something else, something more us… but first, I'll read the list.
The truth is, maybe we are always going to be friends, nothing more.
I pull out the piece of paper, lying down on my bed to read it, clutching a pillow against my chest, holding onto it as if for dear life.
The checklist is more terrifying than I ever imagined.
One, it's a real, physical checklist, not some idea of a list in his head.
That's what I always thought, that it was just some silly thing he would mention when asked about his dream girl or why he was so picky, dating one person and then the next, never settling down. He'd always laugh it off and say, "Hmm, she didn't fit my checklist," or, "She didn't check all the boxes," or, "My checklist is pretty long, and she..." Fill in the blank, but I didn't actually think it was a real list, and now that I'm holding it, I'm scared to read it to see what the list contains because if all those girls, Natalia and Tabitha and Betty, et cetera, weren't enough for Noah, who would be?
Swallowing, I decide to plunge right in because I need to know. I need to know if it's time for the dream to die.
&n
bsp; But as I start to read his tiny letters, I press a hand to my mouth, tears filling my eyes. I was terrified to see what he'd written, but now, I'm overwhelmed.
Because as I read this list, I realize one thing and one thing only.
Those boxes he's been trying to check, if you put them all together, they add up to me.
Chapter Five
Noah
I text Lucy in the morning to make sure things are okay between us, assuming she's read the list that I planted for her to find, but she doesn't say much.
Just, "Sorry. Super busy with classes and my afternoon shift at the bakery. Will I see you tonight at Jake's?"
Which makes me doubt myself, entirely. What if she read the list and hated the idea of me being ridiculously in love with her? Maybe it freaked her out. Maybe she wants nothing to do with me.
I replied straight away with a yes and she gave me a thumbs up, so I don't get discouraged.
I know how Lucy is. She gets worked up when she's overwhelmed and maybe reading that list last night made her freak out.
Tonight I'll know for sure. But there's no way in hell I'm wearing that doctor costume for a few reasons.
It doesn't feel like us.
It feels like a letdown so I rack my brain to try and come up with something that signifies that Lucy is my best friend, my everything.
She's more than the girl next door, more than a sweetheart. She's my boo.
An idea comes to me, and as I rummage in my mom’s linen closet, I can’t help but grin. Lucy may not want to be my lover, but she is still my best friend. And I can’t let that list change everything.
As I dig in the closet, I know just what I'll wear. Knowing she'll understand. My mom asks what I’m doing, but when I explain she smiles. “It’s about time, Noah.”
In the afternoon I call Jake, asking if he needs any help for the party. He’s my next-door neighbor, and we’ve been buddies since we were in diapers. He recently bought the house he grew up in from his parents. That’s the thing about small towns — usually people stay put. Jake and the crew from school certainly have. And nothing is wrong with that… I just always knew I wanted something different. Nothing has changed, except one critical point. Lucy. And if I want a life with her, I’m gonna need to do the opposite of what my commanding officer suggested on the phone yesterday.
"Sure thing, man," Jake says. "Come over. I just picked up the keg. Can you grab some ice?"
"I'm on it," I tell him and I head to the grocery store. Once there, I grab the ice and a few extra bags of candy on my way to the checkout, figuring Jake may be good with providing the booze, but he might forget the necessities. And for a Halloween party, you've got to have candy.
When I get to his place, he asks how I'm doing.
I grin. "Honestly, I feel relieved."
"How so?" he asks.
I explain to him the phone call I had with my commanding officer last night and what that means for me.
"Shit," Jake says, "I'm glad to hear it. But uh, you’ve been talking about seeing the world, and getting away from here since grade school. You want to give that all up?”
“I have to.” But I don’t expound. I figure Jake knows me well enough to understand.
“Well good,” he says, "it's time you came back home, put down some roots. Besides, the rest of the gang is around. We miss you, man."
"I've missed you guys too."
"Heard you and Natalia had a falling out."
I shake my head as I shove bags of ice in a cooler outside on his back porch. "We were never really a thing."
"Just another fling?" he asks.
I nod. "Something like that. You know how she is."
Jake laughs, "Yeah, I do. Hell, I dated her before myself.”
"This town is too damn small," I say as he tests out the keg, pouring me a beer.
"Here you go, man," he says.
"Thanks."
We knock glasses and take drinks.
"This is good," I say.
He smiles. "Yeah. It's pumpkin ale."
Lucy will love it, I think as I help him unload the bottles of wine and hard alcohol. His girlfriend, Sandra, shows up and brings the party decorations. Betty is with her.
"Where's your costume?" she says. "You're coming as a sexy doctor, right?"
I shrug, not wanting to get into it with her.
"Well, Natalia is going to be here soon," she says.
Sandra frowns. "We have to finish setting up then. I don't want party guests to arrive before it's all ready."
I pitch in, asking her how I can help. She directs me to a pile of streamers and I get to work. Betty is blowing up black and orange helium balloons and Jack is securing cobwebs to the front porch along with a fog machine.
"It looks pretty damn good," I say, proud of us.
Sandra says she's got to go change and she drags Jake with her.
Standing alone with Betty, I wish like hell Lucy were here. The crew we grew up with is small and we all know each other, though these are my friends more than hers. Lucy's stuck around them for me. But I’m scared she's moving on. I just hope she's not moving on from me. Hell, I made a choice today that means I'm not going anywhere.
By the time people start showing up, I realize I ought to go get changed myself. I rummage through Jake’s drawers and find a pair of scissors. Grabbing my sheet, I head to a bedroom to change. It doesn't take much. I cut out some eye holes and I shrug off my flannel shirt and then I slip the sheet over my head. Not exactly a life-changing costume, but like I said, I'm aiming to get one point across and one point alone.
When I walk back out to the living room, there are at least thirty people here. Everybody's shown up to Jake's place and the music is pumping. The doorbell keeps ringing and little kids are screaming, “Trick or treat,” as someone dumps in a handful or two of candy into their open bags.
I scan the room looking for Lucy, but I can't see her anywhere.
Jake hands me another beer and I thank him. Someone drags me outside to play beer pong and I go along with it for a little while, but I'm getting antsy. Where is she? I check my phone, asking her just that.
She replies, telling me she's here.
I frown, finding someone to take my place at the beer pong table and head back inside.
"Have you seen Lucy?" I ask Sandra and she nods.
"Yeah. She just went to the bathroom a second ago."
"Thanks," I say, winding myself through the crowd, stopping in the kitchen.
Just then, the front door opens and I see Natalia walk in.
My stomach drops as I take her in. She’s wearing the exact same sexy nurse costume that Lucy bought.
Fuck.
Thankfully she doesn't notice me, probably because I have a giant sheet over my head and I’m hiding out in the kitchen.
Before I can continue my search for Lucy, a ghost enters the living room.
I'm not being figurative here — a ghost, or at least a petite person with a sheet over their head, enters the room. My heart sinks fast as I realize who it is.
It’s Lucy, it has to be.
And ghost-Lucy seems fixed on Natalia, marching over to her.
But she doesn't notice me. Instead she struts right over to Natalia, hands on her hips. It's like the Red Sea’s parted and everyone steps aside, ready for some throwdown, which I already know they're not going to get. That's not Lucy’s style.
She pointedly looks at Natalia and simply asks her, "Did you plan a couple’s costume with Noah?"
Natalia gives her a giant smile and since Natalia is nearly six feet tall, she towers over Lucy.
"You could say that," she says, smirking, her lips painted red and there is a nurse's red cross on her little white cap but I swear I just see devil horns. We did not plan a costume together.
"I can't believe this," Lucy says, scoffing, tearing off her sheet. “I am so tired of competing with every girl in this town for Noah. I’m over it. All of it.”
I walk clo
ser, wanting her to see. See me. But before she notices me approaching, she’s turned on her heels, and is running out the back door.
Natalia laughs. “Thank God. It’s about time she realized who was winning.”
“Winning what?” I ask, turning toward her. How did I ever spend time with her?
“You.”
When I don’t reply, she laughs. “Oh, come on, Noah. It’s not like you were ever going to end up with that virgin.”
Fuming, I shake my head. “I told you that costume wasn’t a good idea.”
Natalia’s eyes glitter, and she shrugs coyly, pointing to her BFF, Betty. “Betty told me you were coming as a doctor. I couldn’t resist.”
“Seriously?” I shake my head in disbelief.
Betty moans. “I just told her what you guys were wearing, I swear. I wasn’t trying to start any drama.”
“Sure you weren’t,” I say, knowing where her allegiance lies. With Natalia, her best friend.
And my stomach fills with dread, knowing my best friend, Lucy, doubts my intentions.
Doubts me.
And if she ever believed in us, there’s no way she does anymore.
Chapter Six
Lucy
I run out of the party with a fresh rush of emotion washing over me. Feeling like a fool because there Natalia stood, looking ridiculously sexy in that nurse costume like it was sewn for her body. In high heels, with bright red lips, sex appeal dripping from her every curve. And I stood next to her with a sheet over my head, hiding.
Hiding.
Just how long have I been hiding?
The costume was for Noah. I knew he would understand what I was wearing and why. I’d tell him I read the checklist and that I finally understood.
But instead, I just feel like a fool because I've spent the last fifteen years wishing he would see me and he never has.
Maybe he has a checklist that was written about me, or maybe I was reading into it, trying to see what I wanted to believe was true. That he was picking me over every other girl.
