The orgasm coiled tight within her, drawing close. “Fuck,” she gasped, moving faster.
And he nodded, because he understood. No one understood her like Tam. “Fuck, yeah.”
He slipped a hand down to stroke her clit and she let him throw her over the edge. Who cares why I want him? I do. She screamed as she came to drown out the sound of her own thoughts. If only it could be that simple.
11
Only one question matters.
Where do I fit in?
“THE DNA RESULTS are back.” Tam stood in the lounge where she lay on the floor doing her exercises. It was the only thing that kept her calm until they went for their long afternoon walk in the Fields.
Tucking her knees against her chest, she surged to a sit. His tone was unusually serious. She tried not to panic.
Behind him, on the digi-screen, Childers chattered away about an increase in sightings of Nissa and Tam.
His face was unreadable.
Her heart sank. What if they couldn’t have a child? It would be hard enough, if not impossible, to convince her father to accept Tam as her mate, without having to explain that they’d never conceive. She ran her hand over her belly. Would she miss having a child? Did it matter? She thought of the children on Triannon, the ones she had laughed and run and played with in the Red Gardens.
She didn’t need to have children. The Trianni were her children. She was born to be their queen. She didn’t want a child from anyone but Tam. Maybe it would be better if she couldn’t have a daughter to inflict on her the servitude of the title of queen-designate. Besides, she and Tam had such an uncertain future. It all depended on Triannon and what they found there. Her heart twisted in her chest.
The reporter’s tinny voice sounded across the chamber. Protestors at Base Fleet have taken to assembling in the halls outside WarCom, anxious to demand quicker resolution to the Trianni-situation. Opponents claim the constant delays and deliberations could be costing Trianni lives and Argenti mates.
She looked up at Tam, the tall, hard length of him. She held out her hands and he pulled her to her feet. He stroked her palms with his long, elegant fingers. They were so much larger and darker than her own. His hand smoothed along her spine, gathering her close.
“And?” she asked.
“Nissa,” he said slowly and her eyes burned.
She clenched her teeth down on her tongue. She would not cry.
He stroked a hand over her belly. “We can have children together.”
She pulled back and smacked him hard in the chest.
He laughed and pressed a big, exultant, grinning, toothy kiss against her mouth.
“You beast,” she hissed at him and smacked him again.
He grabbed her wrists and pulled them behind her back, exuberant. Bending over her, he pressed a kiss against her lips.
“You are sure?” she couldn’t help but ask.
“Ajax is and that’s enough for me.”
“That’s good news,” she said, laughing now as relief flooded through her. “And that means that the Tribe will help Triannon?”
Tam sighed against her lips and straightened. “In theory, yes. But everything is moving so fucking slowly.”
She nodded. “Still. This is very good news.” She pulled his head down for a kiss. Something lurked in his eyes, some thread of doubt. “What?” she asked, pressing her fist against his chest, willing him to be happier. He smiled vaguely at the gesture and pressed his own fist against her heart.
“I’m just worried about what will happen when the pods are retrieved. What if the Tribe start fighting over the women in them? What if Ajax can’t heal them? Everyone wants a Trianni bride now.”
Poor Tam. She had no idea what he’d worried about before she came into his life, but now, all he worried about was her and her people.
__________
THAT WORRY hadn’t faded weeks later, as they lay in bed, facing the digi-screen. Brilliant blue vines climbed massive black trees. Broad heart-shaped leaves swayed in a slight breeze.
This view of the forest was her favorite. It was lush and filled with promise. It was morning on Argentus. The light grew as the sun rose. It looked as though it would be a nice day on Tam’s planet, at least in that part of it.
The forest of his world was so foreign to the red vegetation on her own planet and yet so alike.
There were dainty ferns so similar to those in the forests surrounding the capital city on Triannon, only there they were redder than blood and you could crush them in your fingers. There were trees on Triannon too, in a red that was almost orange, vibrant and crisp. She ached for a breath of fresh, unfiltered air, the feel of real ground beneath her feet, the scent of the pale lindassa flowers in the red gardens behind the palace, the brine of the green sea beyond the cliffs.
The light was soft and pale in the blue forest in front of them and she imagined the sound of the birds in the forests back home, chirping as they prepared for the day ahead.
Tam lay behind her, his hand idly tracing the rise of her hip. He was warm and she was drowsy in the aftermath of lovemaking. He was still inside her, thick and sticky, his serum a happy tingle. It was the first time in a few days they had made love normally. Her bleeding cycle had finally ended.
She should feel sated and safe and she did mostly, but a constant, gnawing brush of doubt made her antsy.
It had been twenty-two days since they’d come aboard Base Command. Nineteen since her interview with Childers had forced the chiefs to take action and order the retrieval of the Trianni pods.
Eleven pods had been located and retrieved but the Tribe’s healers had elected to attempt a slow warming process to avoid the blue-tinge. It was very slow. Only three women had been awakened so far and all but one had the blue-tinge.
The two who were sick had been mated almost immediately. It had broken Nissa’s heart, explaining to the terrified women that not only were they deathly ill but they could be saved using the bizarre healing tactics of the Tribe.
It made her feel complicit. She’d tried to explain how happy she was with Tam, but it wasn’t possible. They were still caught in the demands of the early bond. The other was still in Healing Bay and she hoped any day she’d wake so Nissa could speak with her.
A single question loomed over all of it. What about Triannon? What do I owe my people?
The waiting was interminable. One pod had been located. Opened. Empty and abandoned in a trash heap of an old trading colony. Nissa refused to linger on what may have happened to the woman within.
Still another pod had been located in the hands of traders. The Tribe was negotiating to reclaim it and the life it carried.
She was restless. And impatient. “What happens now?”
Tam’s hand stilled.
“Where will we go?” she asked when he didn’t answer. He took a deep breath and spoke after another long pause.
“I’ve never found thinking that way to be useful.”
She smiled at that. “So how would you have me think?”
“Don’t. Not yet.” His hand resumed its movement, tracing a path up her belly to cup her breast, teasing her nipple to a stiff peak.
“I can’t stop.” Their bodies unjoined when she rolled over to face him, studying his dark eyes. “What happens when we find my father? What happens when he wakes up? Where will we go? How will this work?”
His eyes narrowed and a wave of determination sliced across their bond. “Asking questions like that is pointless. Too many contingencies affect the outcome. We don’t even know if your planet still exists.”
“But if it does? If my father wakes and he forbids us to be together?”
Tam stroked a hand across her chest to touch the spot above her heart, right where he lived inside her. “He is not my king. He is not king of the Tribe. He hasn’t been king for half a millennium. He can’t forbid anything.”
“He is my king.”
Tam’s face hardened.
“It’s not j
ust him, Tam. It’s me, too. I was born to serve Trian. I belong to the Trianni, first and foremost.”
“You belong to me.” It was true. She did.
“And you belong to me,” she repeated, giving him back the words, but they lacked the same force. Belonging to each other meant nothing to the cosmos. It would mean nothing to her father. Or her people.
“I do.” He ran his thumb along her bottom lip. “Don’t you want us to be together?” he asked, his voice uncharacteristically soft.
“Yes,” she said. “Yes.”
He smiled, the big broad smile she’d come to love. “Then we go from there.” He said it as if it was enough, as if it was all there was. As if it was the only thing in the universe that mattered. Maybe for him it was.
She pressed her lips against his and climbed on top of that big hard body, reaching for the part of him that made her forget there was anyplace else in the world. He was thick and hard and long and his skin was hot. Her fingers tingled as they closed around him. Alone with Tam, there was no one else. There was nothing else.
It all just faded away. “More,” she said and he smiled again.
“Always.”
ALWAYS, she mused, an hour later, tapping her fingers on the edge of the sofa, impatient as Tam paced their quarters irritably.
Ajax was two minutes late and Tam had seized the opportunity to attempt to discourage her from meeting with him.
“Tam, I just want to ask some questions.” She’d told him this three times already, but it had done little to help him relax. He moved gracefully for so large a male.
Tall, wide-shouldered with lean hips, dressed in his habitual uniform of tailored black flight- suit, strapped with knives. He’d left the larger nustal hanging in its place on the bulkhead. Nor did he wear his rezals in chambers. His dark hair gleamed as he paced. Nissa’s home planet was astonishingly homogenous in comparison to Argentus.
On Triannon everyone’s hair was red, or some variation of red. Dark pink, orange or deep crimson like hers. The Tribe, however, came in a rainbow of colors. She loved Tam’s darkness. He’d shaved that morning but his jaw was heavily shadowed and her fingers tingled remembering the feel of his bristle.
“I just want to understand how the bond works. I should have asked when we first arrived, but I was...distracted.”
Ever since they’d arrived at Sierra-Six he’d arranged for everything she needed, including the less-attention-grabbing simple black dresses. He still took her to the Fields daily but she never went anywhere alone.
She’d lost her agency—somehow she’d become a subordinate and she didn’t like it. She’d never been subordinate to anyone before, save her parents and the duties of her station. Part of her faded a little each day. She was less Nissa and more Tam’s mate.
That ended now. She had taken to pacing the floor of their quarters for long hours each day while he went to practice or WarCom. She smiled, seeing that he’d selected the same path of the floor to tread.
“Try to see it from my perspective.” She ran her hand along the smooth white surface of the sofa in the lounge area of their chamber. “I only know about the Bonding through you. You grew up aware of it. It’s completely new to me. I didn’t know I’d be addicted to your serum. Even you didn’t know that. Ajax will know far more than we do. It’s a chemical addiction as much as an emotional and physical one. I just want to know more. It’s time we got some answers.”
He frowned. “It’s not an addiction.” He stopped walking and stared at her. “It’s a way to enhance the bond. It’s a connection. Not an addiction.” His brows lowered. “Is that how you think of it? Like it’s all artificial?”
She didn’t answer. What could she say? How could she share her doubts without hurting him? He resumed his pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth.
He stopped and his eyes pierced into hers. “Bonds are sacred to my people, the cornerstone of our religion.”
She sighed and he shot her a wounded look. “Not a chemical addiction.”
He cocked his head and a second later a knock sounded at the hatch.
Tribe warriors had superior hearing, Nissa had learned, to go with their superior sense of smell. He always saw, heard, smelled, knew everything before she did. It was exasperating to constantly feel behind.
A few moments later they sat around their dining table, cups of eeffoc in their hands.
Ajax was so much like Tam that Nissa couldn’t help but relax in his presence. The Tribe warriors may have looked different from one another but they were all alike in the way they moved, smooth and predatory. Controlled. She’d never seen any of them in battle but she could imagine how they’d move. Swift. Deadly.
Ajax had the same hard features as Tam, as if there wasn’t an ounce of fat beneath their skins, just hard muscles and bones, but his hair was pale, yellow-white, shiny and thick. His skin wasn’t as pale as her own but it was several shades lighter than Tam’s.
He studied her from pale-amber eyes, appearing unsurprised by her request for more information about the bond. He leaned forward, his large hands rolling the eeffoc cup back and forth. “Is there something specific you’re asking?”
There were too many questions to be asked. And not enough. “How does it work?”
He ran a hand through his pale hair and took a long breath. As he gathered his thoughts, Nissa trailed her gaze to the digi-screen where the reporter began yet another story about her.
Protests have grown, according to WarCom insiders, over the nature of the handling of the Trianni situation.
Ajax began slowly. “Tam’s body produces a chemical that is uniquely characterized to your body’s needs. It healed you but it also altered the metabolic pathways of your cells, creating a dependence of sorts. It goes both ways. Tam’s body needs yours the same way. Your bodies changed. During the Bonding, there is a transference of electrical signals between your brains. It’s one reason, we think, the Bonding requires so much...physical activity. It requires your heads to be close enough together to transfer emotions, memories, knowledge. Tam’s as reliant on you in a lot of ways as you are on him.”
“Why? If the chemicals are in his serum?”
“For the male, it’s exposure to a specific female’s pheromones.” Ajax looked uncomfortable for a moment. “To put it bluntly, if Tam were to stop having sex with you, your body would go into withdrawal. Tam’s body only needs proximity with yours. Yours needs serum.”
She squeezed Tam’s hand, careful not to send him an I told you so look. “What if we were separated?”
Ajax raised his eyebrows slightly, his gaze flicking to Tam who sat frozen beside her.
Ajax’s voice was even when he spoke. “I don’t entirely know. I’ve never seen a separated bonded pair.”
She struggled to keep her face emotionless as he continued. “But many women died during the last wave of the virus, twenty years ago. Many of their mates died too, from withdrawal. It’s not something I’d recommend considering.”
She closed her eyes, relief coursing through her veins.
Tam frowned. “So, if I died in battle, she might die too?”
Ajax looked back and forth between them. “It’s quite possible. I would imagine that the more likely scenario would involve extreme illness, for a long time, to allow your body to break the addiction. Since your bond is new, you need more frequent exchanges. I believe that will change in time, to more of a daily, or bi-daily need. Older couples can go far longer.”
Her heart sank.
Tam still looked worried.
Ajax sipped from his cup. “If you were to break the bond, it would hurt, badly. You would both experience withdrawal symptoms, severe, unquenchable desire, physical pain, illness close to death.”
Tam turned his head to look at her for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. His eyes asked a silent question. She shook her head.
She sipped the strong, bitter drink. “Would I feel the same way about a different warrior if someon
e else had found me?”
Tam’s hand tightened on hers but he held silent. Ajax leaned back in his chair. “The bond is unique to the couple. A different warrior would produce a different serum. The nature of their bond would be different.”
Which meant he didn’t really know. “And if Tam had found a different pod with a different female in it, would he feel the same way about her that he feels about me?” she asked.
A low sound emerged from Tam’s throat. “No.”
Ajax shrugged. “Who can say? If you had been born to different parents, would you love them as much as you love your own? We believe there is an element of fate involved in the Bonding.
Nissa chewed her thumb. “Is there something you can give us to prevent conception?” she asked bluntly.
Tam’s head swiveled to stare at her with wide inscrutable eyes. Ajax made a noise somewhere between a cough and a laugh. “Yes, of course. I’ll have something delivered later today.”
Nissa turned to Tam but he wouldn’t meet her eyes.
12
I am not enough.
TAM LET NISSA drag him to Command Center, tugging at his arm. Since he was still mulling over her conversation with Ajax, he didn’t put up much of a protest. He hadn’t spoken since Ajax left them, unsure how to respond to the verbal bombs she’d dropped. He’d have preferred to stay in their quarters and figure out what the hell was going on with her.
After their conversation with Ajax, he was more determined than ever to keep her there, writhing on his cock and singing out orgasms. It was the only damn time she relaxed lately.
He did not care for the recent turn of her thoughts. Anxiety, resolve and frustration poured through their bond like a tide. It was easier when she couldn’t think past the haze of lust. When the only words that passed her lips were Tam and more and yes.
At Command they were told to wait until the admiral had a spare moment for them. Tam leaned against a metallic bulkhead in the corridor, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes tracked her as she walked sixteen steps down the corridor in one direction and sixteen steps back. He sucked on his cheek to keep from telling her to stop and come to him so he could touch her, calm her.
The Bonding Page 9
