Beginnings

by Sandra R Neeley

  Nina nodded, then started her two laps on top of the water.

  When she was done, she climbed out of the water and accepted the towel that Brutal handed her. “You good?” Brutal asked.

  Nina nodded, then stood waiting for Athena to speak to her again.

  “We’ll continue with the swimming every day for the next two weeks, expand your lung capacity as best we can. Once it looks as though it’s become easy to you, we’ll begin the rest of your training.”

  “What’s next?” Nina asked.

  “Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Do you have experience with it?” Athena asked.

  “No,” Nina answered.

  Athena smiled diabolically at her. “You will. Scorn and I will see to it.”

  Nina gave a single nod.

  “Good night, female,” Athena said.

  Nina turned and walked away from the pool and headed toward the park. Every muscle in her body was screaming. She wasn’t sure if the soreness or the burning of the muscles was the worst. As soon as she was outside the pool area and away from the gaze of Athena or Brutal, she wanted to collapse and sit on the ground until she faded away. But she wouldn’t allow herself to do that. Instead, she held her head high and she walked steadily through the park and to the other side. Once on the other side, she fixed her sights on the house at the far end. That was her target and where she was headed.

  The sun was setting in the distance and the mosquitoes were out in full force. She heard the buzzing noise of the small golf carts that had been outfitted with insecticide in an effort to battle the pesky insects, but even knowing they were coming up behind her was not enough to make her move from her path. She just kept going despite one of them passing close to her. She didn’t even raise the towel to her nose to prevent herself from inhaling the mist. She didn't care. She just needed to get to Lethal so he could tell her what was expected of her next.

  She didn’t even realize that she didn’t have the urge to look back at her house, the house she’d shared with Acker. She was too exhausted to even think past needing to get to Lethal for further instructions.

  Nina reached the door of the home she now shared with Lethal and his team. She opened the door and stepped inside. When she did, only Two, Feral, and Roscoe sat on the sofa. “Where’s Lethal?” she asked.

  “Over at the admin building. He’s meeting with General Ferriday,” Feral answered.

  Nina nodded and just stood where she was.

  “He said you should take a shower, eat and sleep, if you came home before he did,” Two said.

  Nina knew that Two thought Lethal was too hard on her so she wasn’t sure if she should believe him or not. She looked at Feral.

  “He did. He said that. I heard him,” Feral said, confirming Two’s instructions.

  Nina nodded and started for Lethal’s bedroom.

  “Nina? Can I talk to you?” Roscoe asked, standing and moving toward her.

  “I’d really rather you didn’t,” Nina said. She wasn’t cold, she wasn’t angry, she wasn’t anything other than matter of fact.

  “Damnit, Nina! You don’t have to do this!” Roscoe said passionately.

  “Yes, I do,” she answered, not looking directly at him.

  “Acker wouldn’t want this! He just died this morning and you’ve already moved into Lethal's home, allowing him to work you until you’re ready to pass out. There’s no fucking reason for this! You have other choices,” he said passionately.

  Nina had been watching the doorway that would take her to a glorious shower. At Roscoe’s outburst, she slowly allowed her gaze to move toward his.

  “No, I don’t. It’s this, or lie down and die. Just simply give up. I was halfway there when I first arrived here. I should have done it then.”

  “That’s not your only choice,” Roscoe said.

  “What’s her other choice, Roscoe?” Lethal asked from the doorway.

  Roscoe swung his gaze toward Lethal, who’d surprised him. Roscoe hadn’t realized he’d returned while he’d been so focused on Nina. “She’s got a lot of choices,” Roscoe snapped.

  “I’m sure she does,” Lethal answered calmly. “Nina? What do you want to do?” Lethal asked, turning his attention to Nina.

  “I don’t care. What should I do?” she whispered, the exhaustion suddenly hanging heavily on her.

  “You may do whatever you want,” Lethal said. “What is it that you want?”

  Silent tears spilled over and began to track her cheeks. “Nothing!” she forced out on a crackling voice.

  “Do you want to shower and sleep?” Lethal asked.

  “I think so,” she answered.

  “Then go shower and sleep,” Lethal answered.

  Nina disappeared into the bedroom and Roscoe turned to confront Lethal.

  “The fuck is wrong with you? She has to ask you for permission for whatever she wants?” Roscoe said, outraged because he truly didn’t understand.

  “Leave my house, Roscoe. You’ll never understand. Just go,” Lethal said.

  The water started in the master bath, and Lethal suddenly had a thought. He turned to Two. “Go make sure she’s using hot water.”

  “I didn’t even think of that,” Two said, getting to his feet and hurrying into the bathroom.

  “Why would she take a cold shower?” Roscoe asked, more clueless than even before.

  “Because when we were in captivity, there was a leaky shower at the end of the cell block that never shut off. It was cold water only. That’s what we were all accustomed to,” Valor said, walking into the living room from his bedroom.

  “She’s not there anymore,” Roscoe said, still not getting it.

  “Yes, she is. She never dealt with the trauma. She touched the surface with Acker, and he made her happy because he enabled her to ignore it, to put it away, but she never addressed it. His death overwhelmed her. It left her thrust out into the world with the rest of us, with the same issues she had when she arrived here. She’s right back where she started,” Valor explained.

  “So you’re going to continue to treat her like she’s still in captivity,” Roscoe said. “Makes no fucking sense. She needs to be nurtured…”

  Lethal interrupted him. “She does not need to be coddled. She said she didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to think. She made me promise to make her like me. So that’s what I’m giving her. She doesn’t have to think, or feel. She can retreat inside herself and become numb. All she has to do is what I tell her to do. And when she’s ready to join us, she’ll decide for herself what she wants to do. All I’m giving her is a place to escape to without having to feel.”

  “You’re working her like a fucking dog!” Roscoe accused.

  “You ever been so exhausted that at the end of the day you can’t even remember your own name? You ever been so stripped down that the only things that matter to you are food and survival? No, you haven’t. You will never understand, so don’t even try to.”

  “And what if she isn’t strong enough to become what you are?” Roscoe asked.

  “She doesn’t have to become me. She only has to prove to herself that she can survive anything,” Lethal said.

  “We already know she can. She was there with us. She survived. Not all the females did,” Scorn said.

  “And then what? What happens when she stands beside you to go on missions? You can’t seriously take her on a mission,” Roscoe said.

  “That’s her decision. Not yours or mine. If she achieves it, she can choose for herself. By then she’ll be ready to make choices again. Her life and what she does with it will be in her own hands, and she’ll be able to back up whatever her choices are.”

  “She may not choose you, Lethal. Most likely won’t. She’ll be so tired of your shit by then,” Roscoe snapped.

  “Maybe she won’t. We won’t know until then. But I can promise you one thing, she will never choose you. She’s not yours, Roscoe. Find a new focus,” Lethal said, turning his back to enter his bedroom.

  R
oscoe stood there seething, wanting to go after Nina, but not wanting the confrontation with Lethal at this point. He turned his head and met the eyes of Lethal's team, all standing around the living room and kitchen watching him since they’d heard the exchange and came to witness it. “He has no right to force her to be here.”

  “Nobody forced her to be here. She came of her own free will,” Valor said.

  “I can’t believe that. Why would anyone willfully end up in this situation?” Roscoe asked.

  “She trusts him. She trusts us. She knows none of us will allow her to be hurt in any way,” Scorn said. Scorn shrugged one shoulder. “We were housed together for years. We know each other.”

  Frustrated, Roscoe stalked toward the door before spinning around to face them. “It doesn’t have to be this way! It’s like she fucking stepped back in time!”

  “Trauma will do that to ya,” Two said.

  <<<<<<<>>>>>>>

  Lethal opened the bathroom door and pushed it just slightly open. “You good?” he asked Nina, smiling at the steam that had built up in the bathroom.

  “Yes,” her weary voice answered.

  “Food will be waiting on the table. It’s important to keep yourself nourished,” he said.

  “Okay,” she answered. “I mean…”

  “Okay is fine. You do not have to address me as sir,” Lethal answered. “When you’re done, come eat, then get some sleep. It starts all over again tomorrow.”

  Nina nodded, then realized she was in the shower and he couldn’t see her. It was a good thing he couldn’t see her. She was sitting beneath the hot water with silent tears streaming down her face. She didn’t want him to think he was wasting his time. She didn’t want him to see her moment of weakness. She just needed a few minutes to cry, then she’d be strong again. She had to be if she wanted to be like Lethal. “Okay,” she finally managed to say. She listened to the door close while her lip trembled, waiting for the opportunity to let the tears continue to fall.

  Lethal closed the door and walked from his bedroom back into the living room, with the sound of her crying quietly killing him. “Two,” he said.

  Two looked up at him.

  “I’m thinking maybe I need to adjust my approach,” Lethal said.

  “Such as?” Two asked.

  “Just a little less forceful. Instead of making her sleep on the floor, I’m going to give her your bed. I thought maybe you could offer it by saying you’ll stay in her home to look after it for her.”

  Two smiled. He had no problem with giving Lethal a way to be more caring of Nina. He knew they both had explosive emotions where each other were concerned, and now that they’d both worked through the first parts of it, maybe now they could see each other differently. Once Nina was done mourning anyway. “Yeah. I can do that. I’d like to do that, actually,” Two said.

  “Appreciate it,” Lethal said.

  “Not a problem,” Two answered.

  An hour later everyone had gone to their respective bedrooms, except Feral who’d gone to the recreation building to see if he could find a female to spend a little time with. Nina finished her meal, then threw away the Styrofoam container and walked over to the sofa and sat down.

  Lethal walked out of his bedroom with a blanket in his hand. “Here, you can cover with this,” Lethal said, holding it out to her.

  Nina lifted an arm to take it from him, but Two stopped her. “I was thinking, Nina. Since you’re here, and there’s nobody in your house, maybe I could stay there and look after it for you. That would leave my bed empty for you.”

  “If that’s what you want, it’s fine, Two. But I’ll just stay here on the sofa either way,” Nina answered.

  “No. If Two’s sleeping elsewhere, you’ll sleep in his bed. I need you rested for the training we have planned. Besides, my team likes to stay up late. You won’t get much rest if you’re on the sofa,” Lethal said.

  Nina looked up at Lethal. “Okay,” she answered.

  “I’ll see ya’ll tomorrow at breakfast,” Two said, getting to his feet.

  “It’ll be ready when you get here,” Lethal said, offering him a smile of thanks once Nina walked past him and into his bedroom.

  “I’ll get my stuff tomorrow,” Two said.

  “I appreciate it, Two,” Lethal said.

  “I do, too. I’m glad to give her my bed and know you’re not going to be so hard on her,” Two answered.

  Lethal watched Two for a moment, trying to find the right answer for him. He was going to be hard on Nina. He was just going to try to balance it a bit more with a little compassion. “I’m learning,” he finally settled on.

  Two grinned at him and patted him on the shoulder.

  “Sleep well,” Two said as he left the house and headed to Nina’s house with a genuine smile on his face.

  Lethal walked back into his bedroom and found Nina sound asleep in his bed. He stood beside his bed, looking down at her peacefully sleeping. He was secretly very pleased that she’d chosen his bed instead of Two’s though she didn’t know that. He watched her sleeping. She was exhausted and in her state of mind, that was the only way she’d get any rest. Condition her body, as he made her mind so tired she’d have no choice but to ignore the pain and anger until it was time to use it — that was his plan. She couldn’t hurt if she didn’t have time to think. Lethal tugged one edge of the blanket up to cover her better, then walked over and got into Two’s bed. He wondered at the twists and turns life threw at him. He’d lost himself, become someone new, found his female — the only female that would ever matter to him — and lost her. Only to find her living in the very place he now called home, yet with another male. Just when he’d elected to be far away from her, fate had stepped in to place her back in his path.

  Across the room from him, Nina took a deep breath and let it out in her sleep, drawing his attention again. “Sleep well, my Nina,” Lethal whispered. “I’ll teach you all you want to know. But I will never let you go. I can’t,” he admitted out loud. A short while later Lethal fell asleep as he lay in Two’s bed and watched his female sleep. It was the first time he’d fallen asleep effortlessly unless he’d pushed himself to exhaustion. Just having her near gave him enough of a sense of peace that he was able to sleep.

  Chapter 47

  On a dreary, gray, rainy day, Nina woke to the sound of thunder and lightning. She lay awake in her bed and fought the desire to disappear. She’d gotten used to not having to process any thought at all. Lethal decided everything for her. He told her when to eat, when to sleep, when to train, how to train and even what to wear for training. This day, though. No one could take the responsibility from her shoulders, no matter how much she’d like to give it away.

  She didn’t want to face this day. She didn’t want to face the people that would be gathered watching her. She didn’t want to have to say goodbye. She’d left Acker lying in a hospital bed, and in her mind, that’s where he was, lying in wait in the hospital. She didn’t want to think about him dead and cold. He was the only man who’d ever been kind to her, who’d ever wanted her just because he loved her and not because of what she could do for him. And today, she had to stand beside a hole in the ground while they lowered him into it.

  She’d been dreading this day for the last three weeks, knowing that as soon as the FAA finished their inquiry into the crash, they’d release his body and return it and Benson’s to Alliance. And then she’d have to bury Acker. The bedroom door opened quietly, letting in the light from the rest of the house. Nina didn’t move.

  “You awake?” Lethal asked.

  “Yes,” she answered. “I’ll be ready to run in five.”

  “We’re not running today, Nina. You have to be ready for General Ferriday to pick you up at 9 A.M. You only have an hour,” Lethal said.

  Nina didn’t answer.

  “You okay?” Lethal asked.

  “Does it matter?” she asked, sitting up and swinging her legs off the side of her bed at the same time she
threw the covers to the side.

  “It always matters,” Lethal said with a rumble in his voice.

  Nina decided to ignore his comment and simply got to her feet and walked toward the bathroom. Just as she stepped on the cold tile of the bathroom floor she finally spoke. “I’ll be ready before 9:00 just in case he’s early.”

  Lethal waited until she’d closed the bathroom door, then he went to his closet and took out a skirt, a blouse, and a pair of shoes. He laid them out on her bed and called to her through the bathroom door. “I put your clothes out.” He closed the bedroom door on his way back into the living room.

  “She up?” Steel asked.

  “Yeah,” Lethal answered.

  “She alright?” Valor asked.

  “You know what?” Scorn said, his voice filled with the familiar intolerance they’d all long ago come to expect from him. “Seems to me, she don’t have to be okay. She wants to throw a fucking fit today and break everything in sight, I personally plan to help her. Her man is dead, and he was a good man. She was sold into captivity by her own fucking husband and handed off like a goddammed candy bar to any male the psycho fucking doctor who owned her chose, and the piece of shit husband beat the fuck out of her regularly before he sold her. And she’s alone again except for us, and what the fuck do we do? We teach her to be a fucking assassin. The woman’s been dealt a shit hand. I say it’s okay if she’s not alright. Leave her the fuck alone and let her handle this suck-ass day any way she fucking wants to!”

  Lethal stood beside the window he used to watch Nina’s progress as she made her running laps past it before he’d decided to run with her everyday. Now he just ran beside her so the window was no longer a favored vantage point. Unless she was swimming under the watchful eye of Brutal and Athena, or training with one of his males, or Law, or anyone else he’d approved to be that close to her.

  Lethal looked over at Scorn who was pretty much telling them all they needed to fucking give her some slack today. Scorn was dressed head to toe in the complete uniform of the Alliance SOT team member. His black boots were polished to perfection as was the buckle on his belt and the black leather holster his gun sat in.