by Peter Glenn
“Rick!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. I could see him now. He was right there in the doorway, exactly where I’d asked him to be, clutching that big tome of his. His eyes were glazed over, and he was staring up at Mei, mesmerized.
“Rick!” I demanded again. “Now! Do it now!”
I steadied my grip on the sword and pushed harder, determined to keep the blade inserted in her heart. Boudicca pushed against me. Slowly, my grip started to loosen as the blade was forced backward.
“Rick!” I shouted again. “Come on, buddy! Now or never!”
Rick’s eyes flashed for a second, and he shook his head, then looked up at me. “Right!”
He started chanting the words to his own spell. As he chanted, the queen’s body started to thrash and writhe, fighting against the magic that had now been turned against her.
“Impossible!” she cried. “How? How did you beat me?”
“Easy,” I told her, panting hard while continuing to hold on with the last of my strength. “Look at my sword again.”
Boudicca’s eyes lowered until they were looking at the gleaming sword sticking out of her chest. Sitting there in all its glory, was not my katana, but Grax’thor, in the flesh. She looked at her own sword, then, with a look of equal parts horror and frustration as the illusion melted, and it turned back into my good old katana.
“How?” she asked. “How?”
That was the last thing she ever said as an evil spirit. Rick completed his chanting a moment later, and Boudicca let out a massive wail as her shadowy form was drawn into Grax’thor’s blade. She fought as hard as she could, but the magic was more powerful than she was. A moment later, she was gone.
I looked down at Grax’thor, and the blade looked a shade darker than it had in the past. The runes shifted and changed before my eyes, forming a word in English.
Bitch, the letters said.
“Heh. Eternal life’s not so great now, is it?” I told the weapon.
It didn’t answer.
In spite of myself, I let out a slight chuckle. Boudicca was trapped and would never harm anyone ever again.
“Nice work, Damian,” Sheila said, patting me on the back. “But how did you get Grax’thor from her like that?”
“Oh, that?” I said, smiling at her. “I didn’t. Her sword was a fake this whole time.”
Everyone looked at me kind of cross-eyed.
“It was when I was looking at the swords outside your house in the rental car, when Arlan and his buddies attacked. I knew I could only take one and figured it would be safer to keep Grax’thor on me.
“But at the same time, I wanted to give the bad guys a good target, so if they thought I’d left Grax’thor behind, well, they’d think they’d won easily. So I used a little illusion charm to switch things around when no one was looking. Easy peasy, and a nice little insurance policy to make sure Boudicca’s plan didn’t work, even if I didn’t get there in time. Pretty ingenious, no?”
Sorry for keeping the secret this long, kids, but I think the story played out better with no one knowing the truth.
Mei shook her head and walked toward me. She was back in human form now. “Oh Damian, you’re such an ass.”
“An ass that saved your life, though, am I right?” I grinned at her.
She ruffled my hair with her hands. “Oh you big, stupid lout. Come here.” We embraced for a moment, and I patted her several times on the back. “I’m just glad you’re safe.”
“So… it’s all true, then?” Rick said a moment later, spoiling the fun. “The dragons? Magic? All of it?” He was sitting there staring at us, his mouth slightly agape.
I burst out laughing and walked over and smacked him on the arm. “Well, what did you think it was, a laser light show?”
Rick shook his head just a little bit. “No, of course not, it’s just… she’s so… beautiful.”
“Save the flirting for when we’re all back home safe, genius,” I said to him, smiling a little.
Rick growled at me. “S-sorry,” he muttered.
Sheila went up to Mei and started chatting with her, looking her over for wounds and such. Something I probably should have done, but I was a little preoccupied. I rummaged around in one of my pockets for my phone. I found it, but it was badly cracked, and the battery was dead.
“Hey, Rick,” I said in a hushed tone. “Can I borrow your phone? Mine kinda broke in the scuffle.” I showed it to him.
Rick shook his head and sighed. “Oh, Damian. Always so irresponsible.”
“Hey! I was saving the world, all right?”
Rick let out a slight laugh. “I was just teasing. Relax already.” He took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. “No calls to Taiwan, though, okay?”
“Sure thing, buddy.”
I glanced at the screen. It was two minutes to seven. Man, I’d been close on this one.
With a small sigh of relief, I pulled up the text app.
It’s done, I typed to Mei’s father’s number. She’s safe.
A moment later, a single word reply came. Good.
That was it. Trust Mei’s dad to be the wordy type. But it didn’t matter. She was safe. Everyone was safe. It was a good day.
I smiled at each of my companions in turn. “Let’s go home, shall we?” I offered.
Now that was something everyone could agree on.
17
It was about two weeks later, and we were all piling into Mei’s bar for a celebratory drink or six. Well, everyone but Sheila. She’d stayed behind in Canada. Said she missed her home too much to travel that far. It was a little disappointing, but I could understand wanting to be home after that kind of harrowing experience. She’d performed remarkably well in the battles, but she was no warrior.
The big red door to Mei’s stood before me. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder what kind of “unintended” mess I’d find myself in next. Rick had been right about that. Old magic was always tricky, and we’d subverted it. As the holder of the magic artifact that now held Boudicca’s soul captive, what would happen to me?
So far, I hadn’t felt anything odd or off, but it was only a matter of time. Oh well, no use worrying about it tonight at least. Tonight was a celebratory night.
Rick tugged on my sleeve. He’d decided to come with me. Probably so he could talk my ear off, like he was doing right now. He peppered me with questions while we made our way through the doorway and walked down the stairs.
“So, it’s all real?” he said, repeating one of his questions from earlier. “All of it? All the tales, all the legends?”
I shrugged. “Most of it, I guess. Like what?”
“Well what about Bigfoot?”
“Mm, sort of. Bigfoot’s real, but he’s not one person. There’s a whole race of Bigfoots out there. That’s why he’s been spotted in so many areas. But they usually keep to themselves and tend to be nocturnal. That’s why there are so few sightings.”
Rick’s eyes lit up. “I knew it! I’m going to have a field day with my colleagues after this.”
He’d been like this ever since that last battle with Boudicca. Asking me about every single mythical creature and tale he could find, wanting to know if it was all true. A lot of them were, at least in part. History tended to flub over a lot of the finer details, though.
“What about the Loch Ness Monster?” he asked.
“Nessie?”
He nodded.
I shrugged. “No one really knows for sure, unfortunately. The lake is deep and exploring water is hard, even for the magically inclined. It’s possible I suppose, but your guess is as good as mine on that one.” I patted him on the back. “Guess you’ll just have to go and find out for yourself.”
We reached the row of bar stools a second later to a hail of cheers and shouts from the assembled patrons. Everyone was there - Sevin, Yuri, Hank, Sally, Isaiah, the cute vampire couple that never seemed to take their eyes off each other - everyone. And, of course, Mei was there too, sitting behin
d the bar, looking as beautiful as ever. She’d gone with a more muted brown hair color for the evening’s festivities, with an eye color to match. It still suited her very well.
“Damian!” the crowd shouted in unison.
“Hey, everyone!” I said, giving a slight bow. “Please, don’t get up.” I put out my hand to stop them from moving.
They all gave me blank stares for a moment, then the room erupted into laughter. I wasn’t sure what I’d said exactly that had made them all react like that, but whatever. I’d take it. Tonight was a good night, and things were starting to look up.
For starters, Mei’s father had been as good as his word. He’d paid me a handsome sum, just like he’d promised. It was enough to pay off Rick, replace the rental car I stole, replace Sheila’s broken stuff, and keep me current on rent for the next couple of months. And better yet, he’d agreed not to say a word about it to Mei. Which was just as well. Her and her father never had gotten along.
Speaking of Rick, when I’d presented him his check for services rendered, he’d ripped it up and thrown it in the trash. Said he considered the experience itself to be “payment in full.” I figured he was just joking, but he’d been pretty insistent about the whole thing, even looking wounded when I’d offered to write him another.
Oh well. His loss.
I looked straight at Mei. She had healed well. You could barely even tell that some demon chick had tried to steal her life essence just two weeks ago.
“Mei, darling.” I kissed her cheek. “Glad to see that dark magic has done you no great harm.” I flashed her a toothy grin.
She smiled back at me. “All thanks to you and that sword of yours.” Her eyes trailed to Grax’thor. “Of course, if you’d never gone after it in the first place, none of this would have ever happened.”
I winced a little and hung my head. “Sorry.”
Mei shrugged. “It’s all good. No harm done.” She turned and raised her arms to the sky. “Drinks are on me, tonight, everyone!”
That brought another round of cheers and clanking glasses from the crowd.
“Aww, Mei, you know just how to treat a guy,” I told her.
“Oh, not you,” Mei said, leveling her gaze at me. “Don’t think I don’t know about your little exploits. You still owe me for the ice cream and the healing bourbon. Or did you think I wouldn’t notice?” She put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot.
My face started to grow hot and I pulled on my collar with one finger. “You knew about that, huh?”
“Uh huh.” She nodded, then put out one hand. “You’d better pay out.”
I forced out a strangled chuckle. “Uh, sure thing.” I started rummaging around in my pockets for that checkbook. There went one month’s rent.
“Just kidding!” Mei said a moment later. Then she burst out laughing, the room joining in with her.
“Heh. So funny,” I said, not really enjoying the joke. I’d been really worried there for a moment.
“It’s all in good fun, Damian,” Mei said, nudging me on the arm. “But next time, I won’t be so nice.”
“Of course,” I said with a weak smile.
Mei laughed again and pinched my cheek. “Gosh, you’re so easy to tease.”
“Heh.” I nodded. “Guess so.”
Why was she being so hard on me tonight? Of course, I did put her life in danger, so I guess I kind of deserved a little razzing. Even if I did save her life, too.
A moment later, the laughter died down, and Rick started his line of questioning again. “So why did you go after that sword in the first place? Grax’thor, I mean.”
I took in a deep breath and puffed up my chest. “You mean I never told you?”
Rick shook his head.
I sat down at a stool and took a big, long sip of a Manhattan that had magically appeared in front of me. “Well, my boy, it’s a long story. You see…”
“Damian’s tired of immortality,” Hank interrupted, spoiling my story. “He was looking for a bad luck charm to help him lose his life in battle.”
“Hey!” I whined. “I was going to get to that point.”
“Yeah,” Hank said, “in five years.”
A few bouts of laughter erupted once again.
“I’m not that bad, am I?”
“Just about,” Isaiah chimed in.
I shrugged. “Hank has the right of it, I’m afraid. I’ve grown tired. Or at least bored. Though I’ll admit the last few days have been something.” I smacked Grax’thor on the hilt. “Not that this baby has been any help with that. ‘Hope Render’ indeed.” I huffed at it for good measure.
Spoiled brat, the letters on the blade spelled out.
Huh. Apparently, the sword could talk now. No doubt it was Boudicca’s spirit doing the talking. I paid her no heed.
Rick chuckled, then. “Oh, Damian, your translations really are awful,” he said. “It’s a good thing you came to me.”
I side-eyed him. “Whatever do you mean?”
“You really thought ‘Hope Render’ meant bad luck?” He shook his head and stifled another laugh. “It’s a context thing, remember? Old languages didn’t have all the words we do to describe things. Grax’thor is an enchanted blade, all right, but it’s not a cursed weapon. Far from it. It’s a ‘Hope Render’ in that it renders hope to the user when they would otherwise have none.”
I glared down at Grax’thor. Could it really be true? Had I gone after the wrong artifact this whole time? My luck had been pretty amazing the past few days, I had to admit. Even better than it normally was, and I’d survived an awful lot of near misses.
“You little son of bitch!” I spat at the blade. “You can eat my shorts!”
Bite me, the blade said.
I shook my head and took another drink. I was going to need a lot more alcohol to survive the night. And to find a way to ditch Grax’thor. But that could come later.
“Moron,” Hank said in a huff. “Can’t even get a cursed sword the right way.”
The room erupted in laughter again.
A few minutes later, the room died down, and Rick nudged me on the shoulder. “So, how did you become immortal anyway, Damian?”
“Oh, here we go,” Isaiah said. “Strap yourselves in.”
I looked straight at Rick, my eyes as serious as I could make them. I took a long sigh and placed a hand on his shoulder. “All I can say is, never lose a drinking battle with the Norse God of Mischief.”
Rick looked up at me, mouth slightly agape, eyes hardened and serious. He gulped in a breath. “R-really?” he said, voice barely over a whisper.
This time, it was my turn to burst out laughing. “Nah, I’m just joking.” I slapped him on the shoulder. “But I sure had you going for a minute, didn’t I?”
Rick chuckled just a little and lowered his head. “Yeah, I guess you did.”
“Besides, Loki can’t hold his liquor. He may think he’s all that and a bag of chips, but really, it’s Thor you need to watch out for. Now there’s a guy you really don’t want to get into a drinking contest with.” I groaned a little as that memory came back to me. That next morning had been literal hell.
Rick’s face paled. “You… you’re serious, aren’t you.”
I nodded. “Indeed. I really did go drinking with both of them. Nice fellows. A little antiquated, but nice all the same.”
Rick’s eyes lit up with wonder. “Wow…” he said, then his voice trailed off.
I envied Rick a little bit. Everything was so new and fresh for him. I wondered what it would feel like to have all those new sensations again. Must be nice, I decided.
The room devolved into a bunch of tiny conversations after that as everyone caught up with one another and asked Mei a million questions about how she was doing and if they could help her out with anything. I paid little attention to all of it and just sipped from my Manhattan, feeling as happy as could be.
And there was plenty to be happy about. Boudicca was gone. Well, trapped in a magic
sword, but no longer a threat, at least. Mei was back and looking as good as ever. Everything was slowly going back to normal. Well, as normal as it got around here, anyway.
Sure, I was still alive, but you can’t win them all, am I right? There was always next time for that one. And with my luck, I was somehow sure there would be a next time.
As the night quieted down and a few of the patrons started to filter out of the bar, my cocktail magically refilled itself and Rick started up his line of questions again. He sure had an inquisitive brain. And I didn’t mind so much. It was nice to have someone look at you the way Rick looked at me now. Like someone important.
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a long time now,” Rick told me.
That piqued my curiosity. We’d only known each other for less than three weeks. What could he have been wanting to know that badly?
“Okay, shoot.”
“How do you get Damian from Li Xiang? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
I snorted. “That’s your burning question?” I shook my head a little and sighed.
“Just please humor me.”
“Okay,” I said. “The answer is, you really don’t.” I patted him on the back and flashed him a big grin. “But Damian is hella cooler.”
“Tch,” Hank said. “Unlike your tired 90s references.”
Once more, the room erupted into laughter. And even though I was just a little hurt by it, I joined in, too. After all, nights like this didn’t happen too often, where nothing was on fire and that tired voice in the back of my head was finally quiet.
Nights when I was truly happy.
“Whatever, Hank,” I muttered, shaking my head. He gave my shoulder a good squeeze, then went back to nursing his drink.
I flashed him a smile, then rocked back and forth on my stool for a bit, taking in everything. The bar. The booze. The friends. This was perfect. This was what kept me going on all those dark, lonely nights by myself.
Mei’s eyes caught mine a moment later, and she winked at me. I winked back and raised my cocktail in the air to toast her. Then I downed the entire thing in one gulp.
As the buzz started to kick in, one thought came back to me over and over. Tonight was a good night.
