Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  The frown cleared. ‘Oh.’

  ‘You know what that is, Mum?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Really?’ Tilly’s expression showed her disbelief.

  ‘I did used to live here, Tilly.’

  ‘Yeah, but you never mentioned you looked after the horses, just that you rode them and helped with the camps. I thought that meant you looked after the kids.’

  Nat ran her hand over Tilly’s head. ‘I worked here as well as lived here, so I did a bit of everything. Even did some cooking in the kitchen.’

  Tilly’s eyes widened. ‘Really? But you hate cooking.’

  Nat shrugged. ‘I didn’t used to.’

  ‘Your mum was a great cook, especially Italian food. I remember the spaghetti puttanesca she used to make, and her lasagne … It was to die for.’

  Tilly frowned. ‘Daddy didn’t like Italian. He said the carbs were bad. He bought Mum a Paleo cookbook and she had to cook stuff from that.’ She screwed her nose up. ‘It was a bit boring, but Daddy liked it.’

  He wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. It didn’t sound like the Nat he knew at all. But maybe she’d agreed with him, although, going by the pinched expression on Nat’s face as she stared forward, he didn’t think she had agreed with a Paleo diet at all.

  ‘So, what’s a gall?’

  He almost laughed at the abrupt change of topic but schooled his face when he saw Tilly’s expression. ‘They’re a kind of sore.’

  ‘How do they get the sores?’

  ‘Nat, do you want to take this one?’

  Nat crossed her arms, putting on a studious air. ‘There are a few ways horses get gall. One: if they’re not rubbed down properly. Two: if the leather or material of the girth is too hard or dirty it can rub. Three: if they’re out for day rides, sweat and dust or mud can get up under the saddle or girth causing an irritant and rubbing. Putting sheepskin on the girth strap helps to stop them. If they do get them, the sheepskin and rubbing a lanolin type cream into the sore helps heal them, but mostly, they need to be given a good wash, treated with antiseptic and cream then rested.’

  ‘Is that right?’ Tilly asked Reid as if she didn’t believe a word her mother said.

  ‘Sure is. What your mother didn’t say was that on the camps each kid looks after their own horse and sometimes they don’t do the job properly. We usually check to make sure everything’s been done right but sometimes we can miss a horse.’ He leaned sideways, his face down near hers. ‘But you’re not going to let that happen are you, Tilly? You’re going to look after your horse so it doesn’t get sores, aren’t you?’

  Looking very solemn, she nodded. ‘There won’t be any galls on my horse.’

  ‘Ariel will be glad to hear that. Here we are.’

  Nat hopped out again, opened the gate but didn’t close it. Then she climbed up into the bed of the ute, digging her hand into the bag of hash, ready to bribe the horses to follow the ute.

  ‘What’s Mum doing?’

  ‘She’s feeding out some hash—a mix of oats and hay and other things the horses like. It helps to attract them—greedy things are always hungry. We’ll do a circuit of the paddock trying to drive the horses towards the gate. As I said, they’re pretty used to the routine, but there are always a few stubborn ones that need bribing or a bit of g-ing up.’

  ‘And Mum really knows how to do this stuff?’

  Reid looked over his shoulder as he moved the ute along the fence line behind the main herd of horses. ‘She taught me.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. She was great at this stuff. She loved being out with the horses and doing the work. She was one of our best staff. Always ready to jump in and help, never afraid to get her hands dirty.’

  ‘You are talking about my mum, aren’t you?’

  He chuckled, ruffling her hair. ‘Don’t you believe me?’

  She shrugged a shoulder. ‘Mummy didn’t get her hands dirty doing anything. She used to garden, but then she stopped doing even that. Daddy didn’t like her having dirt under her fingernails. It upset him.’

  ‘Is that so?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Where’s your dad now?’

  The light left Tilly’s eyes and she stared down at her lap, fingers winding tightly together. ‘He got angry and shot Mummy and another man then killed himself. They said he was sick with PTSD which he got when he fought in Afghanistan and got injured there. He lost his leg but they gave him a prosthetic, so he could walk.’ Her brow furrowed as she said the words slowly as if determined to get them right. ‘He was so sad though and then he’d have his episodes and it was so scary. He hurt himself and hurt Mum sometimes too. Mum thought I didn’t know, but I did. I saw the bandages. And kids at school talked.’

  Hell, what did he say to that? He’d imagined some stuff, but nothing close to this. ‘I’m so sorry, Tilly. You must be sad.’

  ‘I was, but Mummy says he’s in peace now, so I’m glad about that. And I’m glad he can’t hurt himself or Mummy anymore.’ She frowned, her chin wobbling. ‘Although, I still miss him sometimes.’

  ‘Of course you do.’ He put his arm around her, but she didn’t cry, just looked up at him, stoic like her mum. ‘You know, I lost a parent too when I was a kid.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yeah. My mum. She was killed in a car accident. I still miss her.’

  ‘How old were you when she died?’

  ‘Six. My dad started sending me here when he couldn’t cope and then by the time I was eight, that was all the time so I came to live here for good.’ He looked around. ‘This place, my gran, Flynn and your mum, helped me to feel happy again.’ She’d put her hand on his arm, as if to comfort him. ‘It’s important to have people to talk to.’

  ‘That’s what Mummy says.’

  ‘If you ever feel sad about it, you can come and talk to me if you want.’

  She smiled up at him. ‘I’d like that.’

  Reid felt his heart break a little and had the odd need to punch something. No wonder Natalia had dropped everything and come across to the other side of the country, back to the place she’d not thought of for ten years.

  ‘I’m glad Mummy brought us here.’

  ‘So am I.’ He gripped the steering wheel tightly and looked back over his shoulder again. Nat was smiling widely as the horses trotted along behind her, coming after the hash she held out. Tilly followed his gaze.

  ‘It’s working. All of them are following.’

  He swallowed against the burn of emotion in his throat, determined to make his voice sound normal for this brave little girl. ‘They all must be ready to go out for a ride.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Tilly bounced on the seat beside him. ‘You sure I’m ready to go out on a ride?’

  ‘More than ready. You’re a natural.’

  ‘I am?’ She beamed up at him, her hazel eyes shining. Warmth burned in his chest where there had been a hollow nothing for so long as he looked down at her face, so like her mum’s but so totally different at the same time. He couldn’t remember ever having seen a photo of Nat’s husband, but the man must have been a handsome bastard, because Tilly was just gorgeous and enough unlike her mother to know that was in part due to her father’s genes.

  ‘You are.’ He ruffled her hair, astonished by how paternal he was feeling. Clearing his throat, he glanced behind them. ‘Okay, I think they’re all through.’

  ‘Oh, look. A few have dropped back. They look like they’re going to go back through the gate.’

  ‘No, they’re not. Hold on,’ he called out through the window and swung the wheel, flooring the ute so it bumped back down the slope to come between the recalcitrant horses and the gate. Tilly whooped beside him and Nat’s laughter echoed like birdsong through the open window. He came to a screeching stop before the gate, opened his door and jumped out. ‘Hah!’ he yelled out, clapping his hands to send the horses back towards the herd ambling up the track. Behind him, the gate groaned and then clanked and
he glanced over his shoulder to see Nat had jumped off the ute tray and was closing the gate. The horses took off across the paddock—not towards the herd meandering up the track towards the gate at the peak of the hill that led to the corral paddock, but to the opposite side. ‘Looks like we’re in for a chase,’ he called out to Nat.

  ‘Heeyah!’ she called back and ran to the ute.

  He jumped back in and floored it the moment she was in. ‘Hold on to the dash, Tilly,’ he said. ‘This is going to be a bumpy ride.’

  They chased after the horses, Tilly’s wild laughter singing in the air, Nat hanging out of the window as they rounded the front of the horses, clapping her hands and calling out, ‘Hah!’ to them. They wheeled and headed back the way they’d come. Reid drove the ute behind them, making sure they didn’t try to double back.

  ‘Is this herding them?’

  ‘Sure is.’

  ‘It’s fun.’

  ‘Yes, it is.’ He’d forgotten about the fun part. Or perhaps it was more fun because Nat and Tilly were here. Whatever the reason, he felt like laughing. True laughter not the kind he’d been forcing himself to do because people were worried about him. He let it bubble up and out. It felt bloody good.

  They drove the two horses to the herd. A few of them had slowed down—Speedy, not living up to his name, as per usual, was dropping well behind the others. Leaning out the window, he drove up beside the slow poke, called out ‘heya!’ slapping his creamy-coloured hide. The gelding nickered in protest but burst forward into a canter, heading straight to the open gate, passing the horses that were still meandering through. ‘That’ll do it,’ he said, slipping back inside the cab.

  Tilly laughed as the last few horses began to canter in front of them up the track to the gate. Reid encouraged her to lean over, pressing the horn. At the sound, all the horses began to trot and canter through the gate and across the next paddock.

  ‘They’re heading straight to the other gate!’ Tilly exclaimed.

  ‘They might be stubborn but they’re not stupid. They know where they’re going. But you can help them to keep going.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Call out the window like I did and clap your hands together. Swap places with your mum.’

  ‘Can I?’ she asked her mum, eyes bright.

  ‘Sure.’ Nat slid across, helping Tilly to climb over her lap, and then laughed as her daughter hung her head out the window, yelling out to the horses and clapping her hands. ‘That’s it, Tilly. Beautiful job.’

  Nat’s leg pushed up against his as she leaned towards Tilly, encouraging her daughter. Reid swallowed hard against the shock of awareness buzzing up from that point of contact, begging his cock not to stand to attention like the rest of him. He gripped the wheel tighter and followed the herd, only able to breathe easy when they stopped again, so Nat could climb out and close the next gate. He couldn’t take her sitting so close again. ‘Here, Tilly, why don’t you honk the horn. That will get them going too.’

  Tilly slid back across the bench seat to sit beside him and honked the horn the moment her mum was back in the cabin.

  The dirt tracks running from one gate to the next gave evidence of the daily passage of horses across this paddock. Tilly squealed happily as Reid hit the accelerator, speeding up behind the cantering herd of horses. She bobbled around on the seat, honking the horn, yelling out the window just as Reid had done if any of the horses slowed up.

  Chapter 10

  Nat watched her daughter and Reid, a strange sensation growing around her heart as she saw the interaction between man and child, the ease of it, where she wasn’t having to worry every moment if something would go wrong.

  This was what it was supposed to be like.

  She shoved the stray thought aside. No focusing on the past, only the future. Trying to fill herself with that thought, she got out of the ute as it slowed to a stop and closed the corral gate to secure the horses.

  ‘What do we do next?’ Tilly asked as she climbed on the corral fence, reaching out to touch an inquisitive nose seeking a caress.

  ‘We go get the saddle and tack,’ Nat said.

  ‘Where is that?’

  ‘In the stables.’ She gestured. ‘We get out the saddles and put them on the fence here with saddle blankets and bridles.’

  ‘Okay.’ Tilly went to take off, but Nat grabbed her arm.

  ‘Hold up, Tilly-sausage.’

  ‘Mum!’ Tilly glared at her as Reid joined them.

  ‘Sorry. Bad habit.’ Nat tucked a stray hair behind Tilly’s ear, fully aware of how close Reid was standing. ‘I was going to tell you just to get the blankets. Reid might want to use certain saddles and bridles.’

  ‘Okay,’ Tilly said. ‘I’ll get the blankets then.’

  This time she took off before Nat could stop her again, her enthusiasm making Nat laugh and breathe a sigh of relief. Tilly was acclimatising to CoalCliff much faster than she had when she’d first come here with her mother. It was most probably because of Reid’s presence. He’d unthaw—was that even a word?—the iceberg that felled the Titanic. In fact, he was responsible for her thawing as well all those years ago.

  ‘She’s a good kid,’ he said coming up beside her. ‘I’ve really enjoyed spending time with her.’

  ‘She loves spending time with you. Thanks so much for teaching her to ride. I haven’t seen her like this …’ She frowned. She couldn’t remember a time when Tilly was so free and easy and smiling all the time. Why was she only just realising now how much she’d let Tilly down all those years when she’d thought she was protecting her? Even if Tilly hadn’t been aware of the depths of her father’s mental illness, the constant nerve-shredding tension surrounding her parents had sunk deeper than Nat had ever realised.

  Reid’s touch on her shoulder brought her back to the present, the gentle pressure of his fingers leaving an imprint of heat and a sensation of wanting that chased through her. ‘You’ve done a great job with her.’

  Her mouth twisted as she choked back the burn of tears in her throat. ‘I better go and help her,’ she said tightly.

  Reid shadowed her all the way into the stable, his presence like a caress on her back. She forced herself not to turn and glance at him, half afraid of what she might see on his face after their kiss this morning. She’d made herself push him away when all she’d wanted to do was sink into his kiss, lose herself to heat and passion and flames and hold that feeling to her. She wasn’t sure she could do it again. Her muscles twitched with the intensity of what it had taken—what it was still taking—to act like there was nothing wrong, that she’d forgotten that hot meeting of mouths in her home not even an hour ago.

  Reid seemed to have forgotten, showing in no way that it had affected him at all.

  Mouth twisting, she entered the stable, dark after the bright sunlight of outside, moving out of the way as Tilly and Ben—both with an armful of blankets—staggered out of the stable. ‘Careful, Tilly,’ Nat called out after her daughter, to be answered with an irritated, ‘Mum!’

  She laughed and turned to go to fetch a saddle, but Reid was standing in the way, a strange look on his face.

  ‘Tilly told me a bit about what happened to you. About your husband. I’m sorry and if there’s anything I can do to help …’

  She jerked, swallowed hard. Oh god, was she going to cry? She darted around him and hauled a heavy saddle off the rack.

  He was right behind her when she swung around, his hands going to her shoulders. ‘Whoa, slow down. I’m sorry if I said something wrong. I just wanted you to know about what Tilly told me and to offer my help.’

  She blinked furiously, trying to hold back those betraying tears and shifted from one foot to the other, hitching the heavy saddle, wishing he’d let go of her shoulders. ‘I don’t need you to help.’

  ‘I know. But I want to. Or, at least, I want to know how to make things easier for you.’

  She choked on a laugh. Him leaving her alone—leaving here altogether�
��would make things easier. But she couldn’t say that. ‘You can let me go for one.’ She snapped her mouth closed. Damn it! Now he knew his touch affected her and that was just the kind of power she’d sworn to never give another man. ‘And you can stop yourself from kissing me again.’

  His fingers tightened on her and then, slowly, he released her and stepped back. ‘Okay. I remember the kiss being something both of us did, but fine. If you don’t want to kiss me, I can deal with that. But I don’t think that’s what this is about or things would have been more tense between us in the car. So, what is this about? Did I say something to upset you?’

  Her gaze slid to his face, then away. He’d been so stubborn as a young boy and it seemed that hadn’t changed. He wasn’t going to give up until she’d told him something that explained why she was so close to tears. ‘It’s that letter you gave to me. Andrew’s parents are suing for full custody of Tilly. They’re saying I’m an unfit mother this time, that I was having an affair with the man Andrew shot and killed. That I was flaunting that in front of Andrew and Tilly, that Tilly witnessed me in the sexual act because I wasn’t careful.’ She’d trembled when she’d read it quickly before tearing it up, then called Sarah who laughed at the ridiculous attempt to get them back in court and said she’d take care of it. ‘It’s bullshit, of course. I was meeting with Phillip to talk about a divorce.’

  ‘Shit, Nat.’ He took the saddle from her and stood it up on the floor.

  She stared down at it as she continued. ‘They’d ignored our existence up until the shooting and the media exposure illuminated their lack of caring and stocks in their company fell. They only want access to their granddaughter because it’s good for business and I’m damned if I’ll let them use my daughter that way. I know Andrew would feel the same if he was still alive. He hated them. They were no kind of parent I want to be and I don’t want them involved in Tilly’s life.’

  ‘I get you’d be upset about that, but you seemed okay before. Something else set you off.’ He stepped closer now the saddle wasn’t between them, and she didn’t have it in her to step further away, needing the comfort of the warmth radiating off him.