Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  She was surprised to see Doctor Prita there with her foster son, Carter, sticking to her side. She wanted to duck and hide, not wanting the doctor to accidently spill the beans about her being injured in front of Tilly, but when the doctor came over to say hi, she didn’t mention anything about the attack or injury and was just friendly and chatty. Either she was genuinely social or had the best bedside manner Nat had ever seen, but either way, Nat realised she was worrying for nothing and decided to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.

  When the sun began to set and twilight spread across the sky in pink and purple folds, they stood around and sang carols and she blushed when singers faltered around her to listen to her sing. ‘You’ve got a bewdiful voice, luv,’ Syd Hudson, one of the local farmers said. ‘I’d love to hear you sing Silent Night for us.’

  And somehow, despite her furiously blushing face, she was cajoled into singing for them, her voice soaring up into the purpling dark sky, Reid beaming at her from across the circle, mouthing, ‘I told you so.’

  After she finished, the last note falling to silence, Barb came up and put her arm around her, whispering in her ear, ‘I think we’ve just found another reason people will want to come back here. Your voice is even better than your mum’s.’

  She was asked to sing again, but she demurred, saying she had to help pack things away into the kitchen, but as she helped Barb and Lisa and the other ladies take the leftover food and cooking implements back and as the men and kids set out camp chairs and pulled logs in place to sit on in a semicircle around the tree, she couldn’t help but rub at the warm well of emotion in her chest, marvelling at how good it had been to sing for other people.

  When she came back out, excitement buzzed in the air. Barb was consulted and she decreed it was time. There was an hilarious count down from fifty, and then as everyone shouted ‘light the tree’, Mac and Barb flipped the switch and the night filled with colours.

  ‘Oh!’ The collective sigh of pleasure was followed by clapping and upturned faces as they looked at the colourful lights blinking on the tree, lighting up the decorations—some bought, many more handmade by the kids on the camp and from years gone by since they’d started this tradition. Many of the kids pointed out their decorations and how they looked on the tree with the lights making tinsel and glitter spark and shine.

  ‘Look, a shooting star!’ someone cried.

  ‘Make a wish.’

  Faces turned up to look at the sky and there was silence as fifty kids and locals made a wish on the streak of fire that was a meteor or space debris falling through the atmosphere. Nat didn’t stop looking up at the night sky after the falling star had faded away, lost in the darkness behind the hills. She’d forgotten how clear the sky was here and how much of the Milky Way could be seen. There was so little light pollution that the night sky wasn’t the sprinkling of stars she’d become used to seeing in the city, but was awash with twinkling lights, the haze of the Magellanic clouds, the gem colours of some of the stars that were billions of light years away. She picked out the constellations she could remember—the Southern Cross, the false cross, Orion and his belt, known as the Frypan DownUnder because he was upside down, the Pointers, Sirius, Canopus—the great star of the south.

  She became aware of Reid standing behind her. ‘What are you looking at?’

  ‘The Milky Way. I haven’t seen it like this for years.’

  His face lit up, green, yellow, red, blue, as he stood beside her and looked up at the sky. His lip quirked up at the sides. ‘You’ll see more later when we turn the tree off and everyone’s in bed. Even this amount of light pollution affects what you can see.’

  ‘I imagine some of the places you’ve been the view must be spectacular.’

  ‘Yeah. One of the best places though is reasonably local.’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘Lake Tekapo near Aoraki/Mt Cook in New Zealand’s South Island. It’s been registered as a Dark Sky Reserve and you can see so much from there.’

  ‘I’d love to see it.’

  ‘Maybe we can go when things are settled here. They have a star gazing session at midnight at the hot springs that’s informative and relaxing. Also, the glacial lakes at Aoraki are the most astonishing green-blue colour. I’d love to show you. It’s one of my favourite places in the world. I’m sure Tilly would love it.’

  He was smiling down at her casually, as if he didn’t understand the impact of what he’d just said. As if he envisioned a future for them where they might holiday together. Uncertain what it could mean, she cleared her throat. ‘Yeah, I’m sure she would.’

  He edged closer, the heat of him skating up and down her back. ‘I can’t wait until later.’

  ‘Neither can I.’ The wave of uncertainty turned into a wave of sparking heat as his fingers curled around hers in the dark, his shoulder bumping against hers as they stood, looking up at the night sky.

  ‘Hey, another falling star!’

  ‘That’s not a star,’ Reid said, moving from her side. ‘That’s the IOS—the International Space Station. You can see it go across the sky as it orbits Earth. It will probably come back around a few times before it drops too far below the horizon.’

  They all settled down soon after that and Reid was asked to tell some stories of his adventures around the world. Nat went in with Barb, Ben and Lisa to get the eggnog and hot chocolate ready, but Barb shooed her outside saying she had enough helpers. ‘Go enjoy yourself. You’ve worked hard this week.’

  Nat wandered back out and sat opposite Reid who was in the middle of telling a story, something about almost being bitten by a crocodile in Kakadu when he was on his first major adventure hike with his mates.

  ‘We were planning to climb between the Twin Falls.’

  ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ Andrea said on a gasp.

  ‘Yes. It was completely stupid and just lucky that none of us got severely injured. You should never climb forbidden areas, particularly without the proper safety equipment.’ He eyed all of them, and Nat almost chuckled at how seriously they all nodded and promised they never would be as stupid as he was. ‘Good. Anyway, we’d done the climb and decided to check out some stories we’d heard about a massive croc in the area. We were in this little tinny on a lesser travelled waterway, seeing absolutely nothing but a couple of birds, when this huge croc reared out of the water …’ He gestured and then snapped his hands together. A couple of the girls shrieked. ‘… and almost upended the tinny. Our mate, Tim, had a net in the water and the croc managed to snag it in his jaws and somehow in all the rolling around, it got caught around Tim’s leg, partially dragging him into the water with the thrashing croc. I grabbed Tim, trying to hold onto him while Luke grabbed a knife and sawed at the net, breaking him free. The croc swam off, but then came back, obviously thinking we still looked like dinner, but Luke got the tinny started before it got to us and we sped away.’

  ‘Were you there, Mr Maren?’ one of the boys asked Steve.

  ‘No. That was a few years before I met Reid. Besides, I always asked him to count me out of any croc related adventures. Big teeth.’ He shuddered dramatically, making some of the kids laugh.

  ‘Is that where you got that scar, Reid?’ Andrea asked him.

  Reid rubbed the scar that ran through his eyebrow. ‘No.’ His gaze somehow found hers across the bonfire and she shivered. ‘I got that doing something else stupid. Something to keep the girl I loved from leaving me.’

  ‘The girl you loved.’ The girls tittered and the boys groaned.

  ‘Did she break your heart?’ Tilly asked.

  He looked at her daughter sitting next to him. ‘That, young Tilly, is a story for another time when there’s no boys around who’ll die before they listen to mushy love stuff. Am I right, boys?’

  ‘Yeah,’ a few of them muttered while a few others made gagging motions with their hands.

  Nat chuckled, thankful for the flashing Christmas lights that hid her reddened cheeks. ‘We certainly don’t want dead boy carcasse
s lying around. So, one more tale of death-defying adventures and then it’s off to bed with you all.’

  There were groans but nobody really complained. It had been a full week and many of them were looking sleepy-eyed and ready for bed already.

  Before Reid could start his story though, Barb, Lisa and Connie arrived with trays full of hot chocolates for the kids and eggnog for the adults. ‘Who wants a hot drink before you go to bed?’

  All hands went up.

  Nat jumped up to take the tray from Barb. ‘Thanks, dearest girl. These are for the adults—plenty of brandy in my nog.’

  Nat laughed. ‘I remember—they’re dangerous. Here, take one for yourself and get off your feet.’

  Barb sat down with a sigh and held her legs out before her, wiggling her feet up and down. ‘Oh boy, are they glad to be got off. They’ve been screaming at me for the last hour.’

  ‘Feet don’t scream, Barb,’ one of the younger girls said.

  ‘Mine do. Can’t you hear them?’ She put her hand over her mouth as the little girl leaned closer. ‘Get off me. You’re too heavy. Get off me.’

  Some of the kids giggled at her nonsense and Barb beamed. Soon everyone had a mug in their hands and she sat down next to Barb as Reid began to tell his last story for the night.

  Nat watched the flickering lights on the huge pine tree, her eyes starring as Reid’s voice drifted around her, the chirping drone of the cicadas an echo in the background. It was so peaceful, the calm washing over her as she let her gaze wander up the tree to the flashing star that crested its peak, then head dropping back, stared at the vast night sky and the band of the Milky Way that stretched from horizon to horizon above them.

  Barb patted Nat on the leg bringing her back down from space. ‘Missed this, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’ She looked over at Tilly, at the way her daughter was leaning against Reid as he told his story, her face sleepy, but full of happiness. Happiness that brought such joy to her heart it felt like it might break apart with the pressure of it. ‘What you’ve got here is really special, Barb. Everyone feels it when they’re here. I think that’s what we need to tap into.’ Her mind started to whir with all the possibilities.

  ‘I think you’re right,’ Barb said. She waved her hand around the circle at the happy faces of the kids and locals as they sipped their drinks and listened to Reid. ‘This is what fills my heart with joy.’

  Nat took in a deep breath and nodded. ‘So it should.’

  They sat companionably, oohing and aahing along with the kids as Reid finished up his story.

  ‘Oh, I forgot to give this to you before.’ Barb shifted and pulled an envelope out of her apron. ‘Connie got the mail today and this was there for you. It’s not the same as the one from your in-law’s, so I thought you’d want it.’

  Nat’s fingers trembled as she reached for the envelope even with Barb’s reassurance. She stared down at the header. It was from Sarah, her lawyer. Thank god.

  ‘Are you okay, dear?’ Barb touched her arm. ‘Is it from someone you don’t want to hear from?’

  ‘No, it’s fine. It’s from my lawyer. I’ll read it later.’ She tucked it into the pocket of her light summer cardi and stood. ‘I think perhaps I need to start getting some of the younger ones to bed.’

  ‘That’s probably a good idea. But Reid and Connie and I can take care of it if you want to go and take care of your mail.’

  ‘It’s fine. It will keep until tomorrow. It’s not like I can call her now, anyway.’ She didn’t want to look at it tonight. If it was something upsetting, or about the Garonne’s, she’d second guess herself about what she was doing with Reid tonight. She couldn’t live in the now if she was worrying about the past and the future. So, she wouldn’t look. Some people might accuse her of shoving her head in the sand, but that wasn’t what this was at all. She was trying something new and nothing was going to spoil the exhilaration of that for her, of just letting go and not thinking about the consequences.

  She caught Reid’s eye across the fire. Tilly was leaning against his shoulder, her eyes sleepy, mouth widening in a massive yawn. He looked down at the girl at his side and then back up at Nat. There was such an expression of tenderness on his face that it made her throat thicken. The locals who’d joined them were moving and saying their goodbyes, but she barely noticed them as she began to walk around the fire towards Reid and Tilly, as if she was being pulled to his side to fit there, a missing piece of a puzzle she didn’t even know she was trying to create.

  Her heart thumped, hard, painful. ‘Oh.’ She lifted her hand to rub over her chest.

  ‘You okay?’ Reid asked softly.

  ‘Yes.’ She sounded surprisingly normal for someone who had just realised something so earth shattering.

  She loved Reid.

  And the feeling wasn’t new. She’d denied it all those years ago because it had terrified her with the enormity of it, with how all-encompassing it was, how swiftly it had taken over her and made her behave in a way that went against everything she thought she was. One moment she had looked at Reid like he was an annoying younger brother of her best friend—or to be correct in this instance, the annoying younger nephew of her best friend. The very next, she was kissing him passionately, hands pulling at clothing, baring skin, his fingers then his cock buried deep inside her bringing her to orgasm and him shortly after. She’d never had such explosive sex with anyone, not even Andrew—sex with him had been nice, but never explosive and wild and where she lost all control. And the fact it had been like that with untamed, wild, nineteen-year-old Reid with his big plans of something he couldn’t specify other than it included danger and adventure and driving himself to feel more, experience more, had made it even more incredible. She’d given herself up to the wild joy of it and a sense of freedom she’d never let herself experience before or after.

  It had all come crashing down the moment he’d told her he loved her, that he’d dreamed of being with her for years, that he’d stay at CoalCliff for her if she wished or she could come with him on his adventures. Fear was a horrible thing if it took you over, and that night, fear a bitter tang in her throat, on her tongue, she’d told him he was too young for her, that she wanted someone stable and solid. Even as she told Reid she didn’t want him and what they’d done this last week had been nothing more than a desperate need to get over her grief, she knew she was lying, that she loved him. She’d just been too afraid to admit it because he wasn’t what she thought she wanted, what she thought she needed.

  Looking at him now, all those memories of that long-ago time flashing through her head, she knew she had been so stupid, so wrong. Reid had always and would always be precisely what she needed. For a moment her heart soared at the realisation. Happiness. True, deep down, ever after happiness, could be hers if she was only brave enough to reach out and grab hold of it.

  ‘Mum.’ Her gaze flickered down to Tilly as the young girl held her arm out for a hug. Nat’s heart sank. She couldn’t have it. Not with Reid. He would leave and even if she was willing to go with him to live the life he needed to lead, she couldn’t do that to Tilly. Tilly needed stability more than anything right now and following Reid around the world while he filmed his show and did one dangerous climb or adventure after another, wasn’t going to give her anything close to that.

  Nat’s arms went around her daughter, her heart lifting as the love that was her daughter filled it even while the taste of the happiness she could have had with Reid in her life, turned bitter and cold in her mouth. She suppressed a shiver and kissed her daughter on the head, her heart melting as Tilly yawned against her chest and leaned a little more heavily into her. Such trust. She could never betray it. ‘We better get you to bed.’

  ‘I’ll help you.’

  She looked up at Reid. That look was still in his eye, the one that was like a missing piece of the puzzle, a piece that could never truly click into place. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t do what she had already decided on
. She might not have happy ever after with him, but she could have happy for now. Happy in this moment. It was better than having nothing, and it would have to be enough to warm her through the years to come after she sent him off into the world to fill his heart with the happiness that was rightfully his.

  ‘You help Ben with the boys,’ she said. His look of disappointment made her want to laugh and scream at the sky at the same time. Instead, she winked over Tilly’s head and said, ‘I’ll meet you back here.’

  His grin flashed bright in the dark. ‘Absolutely.’

  She returned his smile. ‘Come on, girls. Time for bed. You’ve got a busy last day tomorrow. Boys, you’re with Reid and Ben.’

  ‘I’ll help too,’ Steve said.

  ‘Can you bring in the mugs and pack away the camp chairs while we get the kids settled?’ Barb asked him.

  ‘Sure. Not a problem.’ He began gathering everything up until his mobile phone rang and with a look of apology, moved away to take the call.

  Even in the semi-dark, Nat noticed his shoulders tense and the way his voice dropped low and sharp. ‘Is Steve okay?’ she asked Reid.

  Reid glanced back at his friend as he disappeared in the dark down the path that led to Reid’s house. ‘He’s been getting a few of those calls. I think there’s problems because I bailed out of the charity climb that was scheduled for January, but he won’t talk with me about it.’

  ‘He cares for you. He doesn’t want you worried.’

  ‘He doesn’t need to do that. I just want him to relax while he’s here.’

  ‘We’ll make sure he has a wonderful Christmas.’

  Reid gave her that lopsided smile that made liquid warmth rush to her core. ‘We will.’

  Before she melted into a puddle on the ground at his feet, they were distracted by the last few farming families saying goodnight. Once the lights of their 4WDs and utes had disappeared down the drive, Nat waved the girls up. ‘Come on, girls, time for bed.’ The girls around Reid stood, Andrea coming to her other side, looking up hopefully at her. Smiling down at Tilly’s new best friend, she slung her arm around the other girl and hugged her. ‘PJs, teeth cleaned and then I’ll tuck you in.’ With the two girls at her sides and the others trailing along behind, she headed up the path that led across the top of the car park area from the cafe to the bunkhouse.