Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  Before they’d gone many steps, she couldn’t stop herself from glancing over her shoulder. Reid was still standing by the fire with Ben while they rounded the rest of the boys up, collecting the fold-up chairs. He looked up, as if he could sense her gaze, and waved, then turned back to talk to one of the boys standing in front of him.

  For a brief instant, the reflection of the Christmas lights washed over Reid’s face, covering his brow in flickering red, reminding her of the blood that had covered his face all those years ago, blood that had been there because of her. She whipped her head back around to face the path, night vision gone in the flare of light behind her lids and she almost stumbled on the path. ‘Careful of your step, girls, it’s dark here.’ She pulled out her phone and turned on the torch to show the way, trying to push the fear aside that had flashed through her once again at the memory of Reid with blood on his face. She was being stupid. Just because Reid had got hurt in the past didn’t mean he was going to get hurt again now. They were both adults and they knew what they were doing. Nothing like what happened ten years ago need ever happen again.

  She wanted this. So did he.

  Nothing bad would happen. She wouldn’t let it.

  It took longer than she’d expected to help get all the girls settled down. When they were finally all in bed, she kissed Tilly goodnight and then left, eager to get back to Reid. She ran down the breezeway between the bunkhouses and the main building barely aware of anything around her, her mind focused on what was coming. She was so pre-occupied that she almost ran into Steve as he came out of the door that led into the kitchen.

  ‘Oh, sorry.’

  ‘Not a problem,’ he said, steadying her with one hand on her shoulder. ‘I was just getting myself some more of that eggnog and saying goodnight to Barb.’ He held up the mug in his hands. ‘You look like you’re in a rush.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Meeting up with Reid?’

  She wished the lights weren’t shining so brightly, because she was sure her face was flame red. ‘We just need to make sure the equipment is all away, the BBQ gas and the tree lights turned off.’

  ‘Sure.’ He shifted nervously before asking, ‘I was just wondering if you’d had a chance to ask him about the statues yet?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, sorry, I should have mentioned it.’ She waved towards Barb’s house in the paddock behind the main building. ‘Barb has them. She asked Reid what they were when he brought the box of Luke’s stuff up and he showed her and apparently she liked them, so he let her have them.’

  He rubbed his hand over his face. ‘Shit.’

  ‘Was that them before? Luke’s parents? The phone call?’

  He looked confused for a moment before realisation dawned. ‘Yeah. They’re calling all the time, being a real pain. The sooner I can get the bloody wood statues to them, the better.’

  ‘Do you want me to ask Barb to give them to you?’

  He waved his hand. ‘No. I’ll do it. Don’t worry about it anymore.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Aye. But I really appreciate your help on this.’ He stepped back. ‘I won’t keep you. Reid will be waiting. I saw him head down there about ten minutes ago.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She tried for nonchalance as she walked off, but the minute she was out of the light, she began to run again, all her thoughts on Reid and the night that was to come and everything else flew out of her mind.

  Chapter 19

  Reid waited impatiently beside the tree. Everything was packed up, the BBQ off and all that remained was the Christmas tree lights to take care of. He wiped his hands on his jeans for the tenth time. Shit, he was acting like a schoolboy on his first date, not like a grown man with many, many years of experience under his belt when it came to women.

  It didn’t stop this from feeling like the first time. Even though, if you were being technical, it was probably their fiftieth time or thereabouts. They’d managed to have a lot of sex in that fiery week ten years ago. He’d not had an experience like that before or after. Which is probably why this was so nerve-wracking. Could he match that level of heated passion, of intensity, all these years later? Did it matter? He wasn’t sure, but he was certain nothing and nobody could cause this level of terror and anticipation that was eating up his guts as Natalia Robinson.

  He wouldn’t have it any other way.

  The night was bush quiet around him—full of the rustling of animals and the thrumming song of the cicadas. A horse nickered in a nearby paddock, another answering with a soft whinny. Through the trees nestled further down in the valley, he could see the porch light of the cottage that to him would always be Nat’s home. It was also the home of his most bittersweet memories, every single one of them filled with the woman who’d been in his mind since he was a young boy. If not for that week ten years ago, he would have thought his adoration had all been one sided. He’d often wondered over the years if she ever thought of him, and if she did, if it was with a sweet smile or the bitterness of regret. They’d both paid for that week they’d let passion rule them.

  He didn’t want them to pay again. And they wouldn’t. It was different this time. He was different and so was she. She was strong, even if she didn’t fully realise that about herself yet, she was. So incredibly, beautifully strong. Such a wonderful mother who had given so much. She’d almost given up herself to try to save her ex-husband but hadn’t been so far gone that she didn’t see in time the needs of her daughter and did something positive about that. And, despite being shot, she was still trying, still striving, still ready to turn her back on her old fears and give something old that was also new, a go. She was an inspiration to him. She was fixing herself and he knew, just knew, that she could fix him too. And if she could fix him, maybe, just maybe, he’d finally be worthy of her. He’d try damn hard to work towards that at least. And to make sure she knew how special she was.

  If she would only get here. It must be taking longer to settle the girls than it had taken him to settle the boys. Patience. She said she’d be here and she would. She’d never been one to break a promise.

  He stared out at the paddocks, the flashing lights of the trees shifting through the spectrum, making the beautiful night seem somehow unreal. A perfect night for them to come together. The moon was almost full, its light bringing depth to the shadows so he could see the shapes of the horses as they moved in the paddocks, the line of the hills in the distance. A bush owl hooted, its lonely call echoing off into the distance, unanswered by mate or friend.

  If she didn’t come, he’d be like that owl calling its heart-aching loneliness into the night. ‘Don’t be an idiot. She has to come. She has to.’ He kicked at the dirt.

  ‘You know, talking to yourself is a sign of insanity.’

  He swung around, couldn’t help the smile that broke across his face, didn’t care if it looked completely goofy. ‘You came.’

  ‘I said I would.’

  ‘You did.’

  He moved towards her as she moved towards him, then she was in his arms, lips on his. Heaven. This was heaven. He needed to stop though before he was unable to stop. He didn’t want to make love to her on the dusty ground in the lights of the Christmas tree. He pulled back a little, slowing the kisses, then leaning his forehead against hers, her breath brushing his face like the most intimate caress, a smile to match his on her lips.

  ‘My god, you know how to kiss.’

  ‘I learned that from you.’

  She leaned back a little and looked deeply into his eyes. ‘Really?’

  ‘Of course. The first time you kissed me it blew my teenage mind.’

  She frowned, looked away. ‘I never thought I was particularly good at kissing.’

  He didn’t have to have her say the words to hear them—Andrew had made her feel she wasn’t good at it. Maybe he’d also made her feel she wasn’t good at sex. His memories said otherwise and he was quite happy to show her tonight just how wrong that idiot had been. ‘You don’t ever have to
worry about that,’ Reid said. ‘You still blow my mind.’

  Her lips quirked into a smile again. ‘So do you.’

  ‘Do you want to go and see what else I can do to blow your mind?’

  Her gaze went to the main building where Connie and Maureen and a few of the other women were still finishing up for the night before going home. ‘Can we wait until everyone’s gone?’

  ‘Sure.’ He stole another quick kiss and then said, ‘Let’s turn the lights off and then we can see the stars properly, wait until everyone is truly in bed.’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’

  He turned off the lights, then pulled her to the log he’d been sitting on earlier, his arm around her back, her head on his shoulder, her hands holding his free hand. They sat quietly for a long time, not saying anything, just listening to the night, staring up at the stars, and being there, truly there.

  ***

  The heat of the day was fading, a gentle breeze cooling her heated skin. It was one of those early summer nights that they often got in December that followed a beautiful warm day but still held a touch of spring coolness when the sun went down. Horses in the paddock behind them moved restlessly, their hooves a rumble of sound on the hard-packed earth as they cantered from one corner of the paddock across to the other. Nat breathed in deeply, enjoying the quiet, the peacefulness, the warmth of Reid’s arm around her. She never wanted this moment to end, but at the same time, she couldn’t wait until all the lights in the main building were turned off and they could go to her cottage or Reid’s house and let passion take over. She ran her hands over her jeans-clad legs, the ridge of the scar a reminder that she wasn’t the same as she’d once been. She hoped he wouldn’t be disappointed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  Nat turned to him as he broke the silence that had fallen so comfortably between them while they waited for the fire to die down. ‘Nothing. Why?’

  ‘You were frowning.’

  ‘Was I?’

  ‘Yes.’ He touched her forehead. ‘You’re still doing it. Are you worried about tonight? We don’t have to rush things if you don’t want to. We’ve got time.’

  She clasped his hand in hers. ‘No. I want this.’ And she did. Especially when he stared at her with the look in his eyes that made her feel like she was water and light and oxygen and manna, like she was his everything. That look made her want to touch him, to be wrapped in his arms and forget everything negative about her life, to only think of him and the way he made her feel.

  It was terrifying, she couldn’t deny that. Even facing down Andrew during one of his episodes, or being shot had been less terrifying than this, because that was out of her control. This, it was hers to choose or not and if something went wrong, there would be nobody to blame but herself. She couldn’t blame Reid—he’d promised her nothing beyond the sharing of desire and passion that simmered, threatening to bubble up and become explosive, between them. And she wasn’t going to blame herself for wanting it either. She smiled at him and kissed his knuckles. ‘I want this.’

  ‘So do I.’

  ‘Good.’

  He stared at her. ‘Then what’s making you frown?’

  ‘Nothing really. It’s just, I was thinking about how much I’ve changed. The scars I carry.’

  ‘I carry scars too.’

  ‘Your scars are a credit to the life you’ve lived. Mine are a reminder of the fact I stayed with the wrong man.’ She put her hand over his mouth as he went to argue the point. ‘I don’t need you to make me feel better about that. It was my decision and I have to live with it. It’s just, sometimes, I wish I’d made another choice.’

  ‘We all have regrets.’

  ‘Do you?’

  He smiled wryly. ‘Of course. For instance, I regret ever letting you go.’

  ‘You didn’t have a choice about that.’

  ‘Maybe not, but maybe I did. The thing I regret is, I’ll never know because I let hurt feelings get the better of me.’

  ‘But those hurt feelings led you to a remarkable life. You don’t regret that, surely?’

  ‘No, I don’t regret that. Luke and I had amazing adventures together and I wouldn’t have given them up for the world.’

  They fell into silence, staring up at the stars once again. After a while, she found her gaze drawn back to him as it always was. He was already looking at her. ‘What?’

  He let out a shaky breath. ‘You’re the reason.’

  ‘The reason for what?’ She sucked in a breath. The way he was looking at her … oh god!

  ‘You’re the reason my nightmares are going away.’

  She moved, her arms going around him, hugging hard. ‘Mine too.’

  He hugged her close, stroking her hair, then pulled away, hands going up to cup her face. His gaze locked with hers, his fingers convulsing on her face. ‘Nat.’

  ‘Reid.’

  ‘Are you sure? Really sure?’

  Her mouth dried, her stomach dropping away, but still she managed to say, ‘I’ve never forgotten those times we spent together. I’ve often wondered if I was just imagining the way it was between us.’

  ‘So have I.’

  ‘I don’t think I was and I want to feel that way again. I need it. And I think you do too.’

  He stroked her cheek as he looked down at her. ‘Yes. I need to feel something good in my life again.’

  Her throat was suddenly thick with emotion that would choke her if she let it. ‘Then let’s live in the moment and forget about the past and the future.’

  ‘Yes. Lets.’ He looked around him. ‘The lights are off. They’ve all gone home.’

  She realised dark had fully wrapped around them. ‘So, your place or mine?’

  ‘Yours. Steve’s at my place. Besides, yours is closer.’

  She flashed him a smile and took his hand, leading him forward, in charge for the first time in a very long time.

  Chapter 20

  The thrill of what was to come a driving push under his skin, Reid couldn’t stop himself from breaking into a run. He knew he should stop, maybe talk some more, but couldn’t. The past didn’t matter. The future didn’t matter. All that mattered was now.

  He grinned, only just stopping himself from laughing out loud like a maniac. But then she laughed, the sound a husky bell echoing through the still night.

  Christ, he loved her laugh. It did something to his insides, scrambled his brain, made his cock jerk every time he heard it. She had always mixed him up, turned him around, made him feel like he could climb mountains. His entire childhood and teenage years was dedicated to finding ways to make her notice him, to have her laughter light up her face. And then when he’d taken his courage in hand that last year he’d been here, and kissed her, he’d been floored that she hadn’t pushed him away, but had kissed him back.

  He’d never forgotten those nights and now he was about to relive them. Except, this would be better because how she made him feel hadn’t lessened over the years, it had intensified. Hell, if he didn’t get to be inside her soon, he’d embarrass himself.

  ‘Slow down. I can’t run as fast as you.’

  ‘I’ll carry you.’

  ‘I don’t want you to break your back.’

  ‘As if you could.’ But he didn’t stop to pick her up—it would take precious seconds to do so and he couldn’t afford to take the time—just kept running, pulling her along with him.

  Her laughter lit the air again as she matched his stride, running towards the glow coming from her veranda light.

  She wanted this as much as he did. The knowledge shot fire through his veins, adrenaline pumping through his system, greater than before any climb, any stunt. Hell, if he could tap this feeling, he wouldn’t need to climb or do any of the crazy things he used to do with Luke ever again. All he’d need is Nat by his side, in his bed. He wouldn’t need to worry about his company—all that could go to hell—as long as he had her he would be content.

  They stumbled up the steps to her c
ottage, breath an ache in his chest, but even though they’d be inside and on her bed in a matter of moments, he couldn’t wait. As she reached for the door handle, he spun her around and against him, his hands delving into her hair to hold her still as he ravaged her mouth. She met him, open mouthed, tongue sliding against his, teeth clashing, her hands racing over his back, pulling at his t-shirt as he pulled her cardi from her shoulders then let his hands roam down her back to slide under her shirt, over the hot skin just above the edge of her jeans.

  ‘Inside,’ she moaned against his lips.

  ‘Okay.’

  They spilled through the door, almost falling over the couch. He held her up, kicking the door closed, her laughter filling his mouth, his hands on her breasts under her shirt. She pulled at his t-shirt. ‘Off.’

  ‘Yes.’

  The cloth tore as she jerked it over his head. Her eyes went wide, her hand trembling over her mouth. ‘I …’

  ‘Doesn’t matter.’ He pulled her to him, fingers working the buttons on her shirt as he kissed her. ‘Your turn.’ He needed to get her naked. Needed to feel her skin against his.

  She helped him pull her shirt off, leaving her standing there in jeans and a bra. He let his gaze rake over her. Her bra was plain white with no lace and the jeans a faded blue that hugged the flare of her hips. He’d never seen anything so sexy. She ran a hand over his naked chest, fingernails catching on his nipples, making him jerk. ‘Beautiful,’ she whispered.

  ‘Nat.’ She was in his arms again before he even realised he’d moved, his mouth on hers, tongues tangling, hands running across soft, silky warm skin. Her skin! He’d never felt its like. He wanted to watch his hands run over it, but he didn’t want to move away from her far enough to do that right now. Later. Yes, later. There would be time for so much later.