Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  ‘What?’

  ‘Pancakes. You know, milk, flour, egg, fried in butter until golden brown, delicious served with maple syrup.’

  She sighed. ‘Reid, you can’t avoid my question by making pancakes.’

  ‘Why not? It’s one thing I am good at. That and sport and making love to you.’ He pointed his finger at her. ‘You like raspberry jam on your pancakes, don’t you?’

  ‘Reid.’

  He stopped, an odd look on his face and then he came towards her. ‘Maybe you’re not hungry for pancakes. Maybe you’re hungry for something else.’

  She was aware of every naked inch of him as he sauntered towards her and she wanted to protest as he reached out and pulled her to him, but the moment his skin connected with hers, all words flew out of her head. His touch, the heat emanating from him in waves, the energy vibrating through him that was an essential part of who he was, shot through her, surrounding her, covering her. Feeling as if she’d been drugged, aware of every aching, throbbing part of her, she lifted a heavy gaze to his. ‘Reid.’

  Hand convulsing around her arms, he pulled her in, his lips covering hers, insistent, questing, making her moan as their bodies connected, her breasts crushed against his chest, the hardened peaks of oversensitive nipples rasping against the fabric of her t-shirt, the sensation driving her insane with need. The need became a sob in her throat, caught there as she gasped in a breath when he lifted his head, his fingers on her face, their movement urging her to open her eyes, to meet his gaze.

  ‘Mmm. Better even than my pancakes,’ he said, fingers slipping under the band of her undies, moving through the curls at the juncture of her thighs, sliding into her wet folds, making her breath come in jerking sobs.

  Unable to keep her hands to herself, wanting to make him feel as out of control as he made her feel, she ran her hands down his chest to grip the thick, hot silk of his penis in her cool grip, loving the way his eyes flared and his muscles jerked as she gripped him more tightly and moved her hand up and down the hard length of him.

  His breath shuddered over her, his eyes blazing as he stared down at her. ‘Damn it, Nat.’

  She gasped as he picked her up, turned and with a few staggering steps, put her on the edge of the table, tore her undies off her and pushed inside her with one long hard thrust.

  ‘Reid!’ she cried, hands scrabbling at his shoulders, his back, grabbing his head to pull him down to her so she could thrust her tongue into his mouth.

  He met her, tasting and sucking as he moved deep and hard inside her, his hands holding her in place to meet each hard thrust.

  She made a muttering protest as he pulled his mouth from hers, but it only lasted a micro-second as he pushed her back onto the table, his hands running down her front, over the t-shirt, fingers grazing across her aching breasts, then bent to take her nipple in his mouth through the material, sucking and nipping, making her moan, never stopping the insistent rhythm as he pounded into her.

  He moved his hand, his fingers sliding over her stomach and into her curls, parting her to find her nub and ringing it as he thrust in and out, his lips and tongue matching the movement of his fingers on her nipple. ‘Oh, god, Reid,’ she cried out as the wave of pleasure increased unbearably and then broke over her, dragging her up, tumbling her around, lights sparking behind her eyes as she shattered into a million pieces.

  ‘I’m not done with you yet,’ she heard him growl, aware in one part of her mind how hard he still was inside her. ‘I’ll never be done with you.’

  She opened her eyes and looked up at him, the raw passion and need in his gaze making his too handsome features somehow rough and primitive, his chest glistening with perspiration and the evidence of her passion where her nails had scraped along his heated flesh.

  She gasped and jerked as the visceral shock of him drove through her, and as his lips curled into a smile of knowing, she knew she’d never seen anything so erotic in her life.

  He pulled out of her, the shock of the loss of him making her whimper a protest, but before she could voice it further, he flipped her over, moving her closer to the edge of the table, legs splayed. He ran a possessive hand over her back, over her bottom, fingers gliding into her wet warmth, parting, separating, and then he pushed into her again from behind.

  She screamed as a second orgasm tore through her, gripping around him, squeezing, not letting him go, pulling him in further. More. More. He began to pound into her, harder, faster, his body pressing into hers, his lips at the join between neck and shoulder, claiming, sucking and licking and nipping, branding her forever as his as he pushed them both to the brink again and then flew right over the edge.

  She floated for a while, unable to think or move, but eventually, she became aware of the sweaty weight of him pushing her into the table, the tremors that still played over his muscles just as they played over hers.

  ‘God, Reid, I think you killed me.’

  His laugh rumbled through his chest and into hers. ‘That makes two of us.’ He pulled out of her—she almost cried out again at the empty loss of him—and flopped down on the table beside her. ‘I wasn’t too rough, was I?’ he asked as she turned to face him.

  ‘No, but I don’t think I’ll ever look at this table the same way again.’

  Laughter spurted out of him. ‘How do you do that?’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Make me laugh no matter what’s happened? I’ve never laughed during or after sex before.’

  ‘I haven’t either.’

  ‘What? Laughed during sex?’

  ‘No.’ She pushed up, her arms still trembling a little as she shoved her hair out of her face. ‘I haven’t had much to laugh at for the last few years.’

  She frowned as she realised he’d done it again—used the passion they shared to stop her from asking questions, from delving into his thoughts, his feelings, getting to know what made him tick.

  Swallowing hard, she slid off the table and walked to the kitchen sink, filled up the glass with water and gulped it down. She’d finished it by the time he reached her and she filled it again, handing him the glass.

  He drank and handed it back. ‘So, pancakes? I really am hungry for food now.’

  ‘Reid.’ Her tone stopped him halfway to the pantry. ‘You can’t keep putting me off. I deserve better than that.’

  ‘You do.’ Ah god, the look in his eyes, it was stark and horrible and desperate. ‘You deserve so much more than me, I know. But I love you, Nat. You have to know that.’

  ‘I do.’ And heaven knew, she loved him too, so much.

  ‘Then why can’t that be enough?’

  ‘Because I don’t want to have a relationship like my mother had with my father, or like the one I had with Andrew, and that’s what you’re offering me when you won’t share yourself.’

  His lips quirked up into a humourless smile. ‘I think I just shared plenty.’

  ‘You know that’s not what I mean.’

  He stood, hands gripping the edge of one of the chairs, so tight she thought he might snap the wood. ‘You mean I’m not enough the way I am.’

  ‘No! That’s not what I mean. But the reason you think that is part of the problem.’

  ‘I don’t just think it, I know it.’

  ‘Then you know the wrong thing!’ she cried. ‘The fact is, you’re too good for me. You’re wild and free and have always gone after everything you ever wanted like a force of nature and that scared me so much that I ran from it like an idiot. I was so afraid of what you brought out in me, how much you wanted from me, from the world. But back then, my fear was because I thought I was becoming like my mum, needing too much, too wrapped up in passion and you to see outside it, losing myself to it.’

  ‘That’s crazy. You’re not like she was at all.’

  ‘No, I’m not. I’m only just realising that now. But what I am afraid of is that you seem to be heading that way. You seem to have given up on everything else, your climbing, your business, everythi
ng you ever loved and all because you won’t face your grief, your demons.’

  ‘That’s not what is happening.’

  ‘Isn’t it? You won’t talk to me or anyone about what happened that day Luke died, about how you’re feeling.’

  ‘I’ve told you things.’

  ‘Scraps of it. Just enough to make us all think you are dealing with it, but you’re really not. I know, god, how I know, exactly what you’re doing because I did exactly the same thing for so many years. I told myself I couldn’t become my mother and so I expected less for myself every time. You were there, giving me everything I ever needed and yet, I couldn’t let myself have you and so I ran to a man who I perceived as stable, who looked like the thing I told myself I needed, I deserved. I thought he could fix what was wrong within me, but he couldn’t. Nobody can. Only I could do that for myself. I see that now. I need you to see it for yourself too.’

  ‘I lost my friend. I can’t just flip a switch and get over that.’

  ‘Nobody is expecting you to, but what you do need to do is face it, and you haven’t. It’s why you can’t climb. And you won’t be able to until you face what happened that day. Why you think you have to give up everything you and Luke built together.’

  ‘But I’m not good with numbers and the business stuff.’

  ‘How do you know if you don’t even try? You’re not stupid, Reid. Just because school wasn’t easy for you doesn’t mean you can’t run a business. Look at Richard Branson. He says he failed miserably at school because of ADHD, but that didn’t stop him from building a global business. You can do the same if you only give yourself the chance, if you believe in yourself.’

  ‘And if I don’t?’

  ‘Then this won’t work. I don’t need you to be a global TV star or a business success, but I need you to try, to share yourself with me. I can’t be with someone who won’t face up to things, who expects me to be the thing to make him feel better. It’s not good for either of us.’

  ‘How do you know? It could be exactly what we both need.’

  ‘I know because I tried to do that for Andrew and look at the disaster that turned out to be. I know because my father tried to do that for my mother and when he died, she lost her entire world. It didn’t even matter to her that she had me. I wasn’t her everything. He was. I can’t have that pressure put on me. And it’s not fair of you to ask that of me, of this.’ She waved her hand between them. ‘I love you, Reid. I thought I was going to have to give you up to you going away to pursue your career, and there was a part of me that was okay with that. But I suddenly realise you’re not intending to leave at all. You’re going to bury yourself here and turn away from everything you ever wanted and loved and made you you and I’m not okay with that. I’m not okay with you relying on me for every ounce of happiness and fulfilment that comes your way. I want a partnership, Reid. Someone who will share with me as I share with him and you don’t seem to be willing to give me that.’

  ‘I don’t have anything to share.’

  ‘That’s bullshit. That’s your father talking to you all these years later. Just because he left you here, doesn’t mean you’re not worth something. That was his problem, not yours. You have too many people who have loved you and trusted you and want you in their lives not to see that he was wrong.’

  He glared at her, arms crossed. ‘You’re wrong. I’m glad my dad left me here.’

  ‘You should be, but I don’t think you truly believe that, because if you did, you wouldn’t be so afraid to face your fears now.’

  ‘What do you know about it?’

  She let out a disbelieving laugh. ‘Everything. Enough to know that I can’t be with a man who buries himself in guilt and self-derision because of an accident that wasn’t his fault and a father who wasn’t worthy of that position. I’m strong enough now, thanks to opening up and sharing myself with you and Barb, to know that I can’t be with a man who treats me like a Band-Aid, here only to fix his ills and make him feel happy. I am better than that. I deserve better than that. And so do you. You are better than that. I know you are. All you have to do is let go of all that past anguish and self-doubt and be ready to be my partner, to share yourself fully with me, the bad stuff with the good stuff. Everything. Can you? Can you do that for me?’

  Chapter 22

  Reid stared at her for a long hard moment and then words he didn’t mean to say came flying out of his mouth. ‘You’re only saying this because you’re scared to let yourself go. Scared to love me the way you know you can. This is all an excuse because you’re scared of what I offer you.’

  She shook her head, the motion so sad, so tired, it made him hurt. ‘I am scared, but I’m also right. I also know that nothing I say will make you see that until you’re ready to believe. And when you do, I’ll be waiting for you. But until that day, you have to go.’

  ‘No.’ He dragged in a shattered breath. He hadn’t meant her to say that. He didn’t think she would throw him out. ‘Nat, I …’

  ‘Just go.’ She turned her head away, whole body shaking. ‘Just go before I change my mind and let us destroy everything.’

  He stared at her, breath heaving in a chest that felt like it had been torn apart, then without another word, turned and marched out the kitchen, the door slamming shut with a finality that brought stinging tears to his eyes and made his ears ring.

  How had this happened? How had things suddenly turned so wrong?

  He staggered around the room, grabbing up the clothes he and Nat had torn off him not so long ago in their haste to make love. He’d known better. He had. The moment he’d seen her, he knew she was dangerous. But he’d allowed her to climb inside him again, open up places he’d thought he’d slammed shut years ago, only to tear him apart, heart and lungs crushed beneath the weight of their untenable passion for each other.

  He raked his hands through his hair, fingers digging into his skull. Why had he made her open up about herself? But then again, how could he have known asking her about her past, her fears, helping her through them, would turn around and sucker punch him so effectively? Didn’t she understand that he didn’t need to dissect his feelings, he just needed to be buried so deep inside her that he didn’t have to think of anything else?

  He stopped, sucking in a breath.

  Holy crap. Was she right?

  No.

  Hell no.

  He didn’t need to forgive himself. She was wrong. So wrong. He wasn’t using her as a Band-Aid. This was all about her, about her fears, not his. He was certain of it. Just as certain that he wasn’t going to hang around somewhere he wasn’t wanted.

  He had to get out of here. He couldn’t stay at CoalCliff. Not with her here. Not with the past and the present clawing at him, tearing him apart. This was worse than ten years ago. Back then she’d broken his heart, now she’d eviscerated it.

  ‘Shit. Shit!’ He pulled his jeans on and grabbed his t-shirt—it was torn. ‘Fuck.’ He balled it up and threw it against the wall and slumped on the couch, his head in his hands, fingers pressing into the pain in his skull.

  She’s right, you know. Luke’s voice echoed in his head.

  ‘Shut up.’ Why did his subconscious always have to sound like his best friend? It wasn’t playing fair.

  Who said I have to be fair. Besides, I’m not the idiot who’s blaming himself for stuff that’s not his fault.

  ‘What do you know?’

  More than you, apparently, and I’m dead. Or the voice in your head. You pick.

  He snorted out a laugh. ‘I’m going insane.’ Or hysterical. Or both.

  Maybe. Or maybe your sanity isn’t the question of the day. Maybe your belief in yourself and your ability to forgive yourself, is.

  ‘What if I can’t?’

  Then you’ll not only lose Nat, you’ll lose who you were always meant to be.

  The words echoed in his mind but didn’t fade away as he stood and stared out at the night beyond the window.

  Christ, his
subconscious was right. Nat was right. She did deserve so much more than what he was trying to offer her. He wasn’t whole. He’d never let go of the hurt of his father leaving him here despite all the love Barb and Flynn had given him. He’d let Luke and their life fill that hole, but when Luke died, the hole was still there, making him feel unworthy of everything he’d built with his friend.

  He’d told himself he couldn’t be worthy of it when he was too stupid to see what was going on under his nose with the man who was closer than a brother to him.

  Running away to here, away from everything, hadn’t solved his guilt, his doubt, because he’d hadn’t really run away from them. They were still here, inside him. If he didn’t want to lose everything he valued, he’d have to face them.

  The way that Nat had faced her demons and owned them, had made herself vulnerable in front of him and started to make a change.

  Hell, she was strong. So strong. He had to be equally strong if he wanted to be with her. And god, how he wanted to be with her. Making love with her tonight hadn’t been enough, not by a long shot. He wanted to be with her always. Wanted to come home to her or have her come home to him every day. He wanted to share his joys and his difficult times with her. He’d told himself he wasn’t the kind of man who would be a good husband, a good father, but that was just the fear talking again. He wanted them so badly, knew he could be the best husband, the best dad to Tilly, if she’d let him. He wanted to be a positive role model to her, and to other kids like him.

  And he wanted to go to sleep next to Nat every night and wake up next to her every morning.

  But to get what he wanted, he had to make himself vulnerable, to face his doubts and the guilt that haunted him.

  Could he do that?

  He’d done scary things before. This was just one more. It was time to let go of the belief instilled in him when his dad had left him here. He was worthy of better than that man had ever given him. He had gone out and done so much, found success, loved his life, despite it all because he was loved, he was worthy.

  So, all he had to do was face up to his guilt and his fear of climbing. Nat was right about the business thing too. He wasn’t stupid and Luke hadn’t done everything. The business would never have got off the ground if not for his ideas, his people skills. He just needed to have faith in himself that he could deal when things got too hard.