by Ivy Fox
It kills me a little how he’s still blaming himself for what I’ve been through. Always the protector. Always the brave and the courageous one of the two of us. But if I had told him before, Nico would have lost it, and Ben would have found a way to put him behind bars before Nico could get his hands on him. Where would I be then? Without the only person who still meant something to me? I couldn’t live with myself if I let that happen.
No.
I couldn’t let anything bad happen to Nico. He’s protected me and made sure no one hurt me since the day I walked into my foster home. Because of him, I got my space. I was able to be the ghost I needed to be to survive that horrid place. And when Ben showed up, I thought he could take Nico’s place so my brother could start living his own life instead of worrying about mine. But that didn’t work out so well. He shouldn’t feel guilty for my mistakes and someone else’s evil actions.
“A person can only see what they are allowed to see. This is my problem. And now I have to fix it.”
“By running away?” he asks, with his perfectly shaped dark brows raised right along with a scowl. Understandable. Nico has never run from anything in his life, but it’s not his life I’m protecting anymore.
“I know you won’t understand it, but it’s the only way I can save us. Before, I was alone in this, Nico. I thought I could handle it. Now? Now I know that life can never flourish in that house. I need to leave, brother. Leave before he ends us.”
My foster brother looks at me as if I’m talking gibberish, and maybe I am. I just know that since that little pregnancy stick showed two blue streaks instead of one, I was no longer going to be someone’s punching bag for the sake of having a roof over my head or food on the table. Security is not based on four walls. Security is what I will offer my unborn child with every breath I have in me, and my first plan of action is to give my baby a very large berth from his father. A man whose only purpose in the world is to create havoc and destroy beautiful things. He will never lay a finger on my child. So, as God is my witness, I will get freedom for us both.
“You dyed your hair back to brown,” Nico says, playing around with my long, chestnut hair.
“Mmm.” I smile, loving that I’m looking in the mirror and seeing my face now, and not the imposter Ben programmed me to be—blonde, thin, beautiful, and silent. I will never be his fucking doll again.
“I always liked you in this color. Blonde always made you look like a Stepford wife,” he teases, his bulky tattooed frame chuckling.
“Now you tell me?” I joke. I grab the cash Nico was able to get from the few pieces of jewelry I was able to swipe this morning, as well as the wedding and engagement rings Ben had given me. Good riddance. It’s only fair that the things he held over my head to bind me to him, should also be the ones to lead me to the road of my own salvation.
“I never understood why you married the asshole. You were smarter than any one of us, Jen. You could have made it without him.”
I give him a weak smile, loving that he has always had so much faith in me, even then. But I know he’s wrong. If I hadn’t married Ben when I did, at eighteen, I would have found myself out on the street, with no job prospects, little education, and no way to support myself. I’d be hustling my way like him to make ends meet, or worse, on my back like most of the girls who came in and out of our foster home. It could have been me next door with that John. Ben just seemed like the lesser of the two evils. How wrong I was.
“Do you know where he is now?” I ask, nervously, as if the slight mention of Ben will summon the devil himself.
“Yeah. Anthony took him on a job,” Nico huffs out, leaning his back on the wall again, gaining distance from me since he knows he just gave the wrong answer.
“A job? What did I tell you, Nico? Don’t trust him. I told you over and over again!” I shout at him, irritated he would be foolish enough to let Ben get his claws into Nico and his boys’ dealings.
“I know you did, but you also said you needed him away from the house a full day. A job was the only thing I could think of with such short notice.” He shrugs nonchalantly.
I nibble on my lower lip, not liking how Nico has put himself and his friends in such a predicament. Nico knows Ben’s a cop. They’ve always known, but better the devil you know than the one you don’t. Giving Ben just a few Mob scraps, kept him entertained, never giving the big names he wanted, kept him frustrated, and my sore bones and bruised flesh can vouch for that. Them taking Ben on a job means taking a risk they don’t need to take. But they are taking it because Nico asked them to and because I asked Nico.
“You know, I always hated living at the foster home, hated everything about it. The noise, the yelling, and fighting. The bullying, the apathy, all of it. But there were a few kids who made it easier to live through it. You, big brother, made my days a whole lot more tolerable. I don’t know if I would have survived without you then, and I’m positive I wouldn’t have survived now without your help, either.”
I hug him, and I can’t help the tears that come into my eyes. They never seem to cease, but leaving the one person I love, the only family I have left, because of the devil I’m married to, makes these tears excruciating to shed. Not being able to say I love him kills me, too. Since using such a word in our world is unheard of, and usually a lie when spoken too easily. He hugs me tightly to his chest and pats my back softly.
“I’m going to miss you, Jen.”
“I’ll miss you too, Nico.”
That’s as close to ‘I love you’ we will ever say to each other.
Nico did well. The car isn’t much, but it’s a reliable station wagon that will get me from A to B without drawing too much attention to myself, nor will it bleed me dry to fuel it up. I’m more than five hours out from Philly on a dark road, lush forest to both sides of me, and with each mile I pass, I feel lighter and lighter. I still haven’t figured out where I’m headed, but I think north is the way to go. Maybe even Canada. I can’t see Ben searching high and low for me for too long. He won’t be happy at first, that’s for sure. However, I’m just glad I won’t be in the crossfire when he realizes I’ve left him.
“It’s you and me, kiddo. We’re in this together, you and I. I’ll always protect you. That’s a promise.”
Yes, this was the only possible solution I could come up with. Divorce wasn’t an option, since Ben would have preferred to kill me before he would ever leave me. This was the only way to go. My eyes start to go blind as a car suddenly appears behind mine. The driver must have been driving really fast, since I didn’t even see the car coming from behind until it was almost up on my tail lights. He’s dreadfully close to my bumper, and I’m wondering what the hell is this guy’s problem. If he’s in a hurry, then why the hell doesn’t he just overtake me? It’s not like there is any oncoming traffic or anything. We’re completely alone on this road. Haven’t seen a car in the last thirty minutes. Except for his, that is.
“Just pass, asshole! Jesus!” I yell, even though I know he can’t hear me.
He starts flashing his headlights, and perhaps it’s his way of signaling for assistance, trying to get me to pull over. Maybe he needs help or something.
“Yeah buddy, not going to happen. Seen too many horror movies to know how the good Samaritan always gets killed. Better a bitch alive than a good girl dead. Sorry, pal.”
I know I’m talking to myself, but it’s been a long drive already, and I’m starting to get cranky.
But the guy doesn’t take a hint. Maybe I can lose him. If I go a little faster, I don’t have to take any more of his nonsense, so I just step on the gas pedal. Looks like it’s doing the trick, too, since he lets me get a good distance from him, and I go back to driving without some leech on my ass.
Just as I’m starting to get into the groove again, lights blind me through the rearview mirror one more time, and I swear this guy is begging for a hurting. But this time, he goes to the other lane to overtake me, and I thank my lucky stars he’s finally
going on his merry way. Only he doesn’t overtake me. Instead, he keeps to my side, on the wrong side of the road, like a damn stalker, and I no longer find this amusing. I turn around to have a look at this jokester, and that’s when my blood freezes in my veins. In the car next to mine, behind the wheel, sits my husband, looking at me with the worst sadistic smile I have ever seen painted on his face. I forget to breathe, to think, to do a thing, and it’s a wonder this car is moving at all. His smile grows even wider, and my stomach falls to the floor.
He’s going to kill me.
Tonight, I die.
With one fast twist of his steering wheel, he swerves the car, ramming into mine, and it takes me a minute to grab onto my own steering wheel. Then he does it again, and again, so many times that my head hits the side window, shattering the glass with its impact. I don’t know what happened next—if I hit something, or if he delivered the blow he intended, but I finally lose control of the car, rolling over, doing so many flips that I lose count. The moment it stops, my head is still reeling. Thankfully, my safety belt prevented me from going through the window, but the airbag that popped was like a punch in the face.
I don’t have time to get my bearings the way I want, but I do know the car is upside down. My hand is able to reach and release the seatbelt latch, making my whole body slump into the car’s roof. Despite my ordeal and the bruises that came with it, this is when I feel I can finally breathe. But just as quickly as I take that precious inhale of breath, it is quickly taken from me as two strong hands hold me by my neck and pull me onto the gravel.
“Ah, Jen, Jen, Jen. Did you really think you could outsmart me? Leave me without my knowledge?” He goads me, still pulling on my neck like I’m his favorite rag doll that he likes to torture with pins and needles. I sink my nails into his hands, but he seems to like my fight even more and adds pressure to his hold until I’m choking.
“Were you that foolish, or that stupid?” He leans down and whispers in my ear, eerily calm.
“And to ask Nico, of all people, for help? Did you really think I don’t have him followed at all times? That him renting a beat-up old car the next town over wouldn’t be suspicious enough to report back to me?” He lets out a small laugh, loving how I hadn’t seen that coming, and how Nico was just as unaware of the added surveillance as I was.
“Sure, I didn’t see where you were holing yourself up, but I wasn’t worried. The moment he left the car stand, I got my guy to put a little tracker on this car. When I went home and saw you weren’t there, I knew exactly who Nico got the car for.” His mint breath is still crawling down my neck, which he still has his grip on, not relenting an inch, making me kick wildly, hoping to get a sliver of air back into my lungs.
“See, wife of mine, you could have gone anywhere, and I would have still found you,” he continues to gloat, wanting me to witness his superiority over me, both mentally and physically.
“But now you’ve created a problem for me. You’ve put my job and my case in jeopardy with this little stunt, Jen. If I take you back home, Nico might not be too keen on doing business with me. I can’t have that. I married you to have an in with him, not an out. Of course, this marriage has been more than pleasant for me, but since you’ve so carelessly shown you no longer wish to be a part of it, I think I agree with you, and we should part ways. Is that what you want, Jen?” he asks, his monotone always present, apathetic, and evil. Ben has no feelings; he is void, completely and utterly empty. Even strangling me with all his might, his voice still shows no emotion, talking about how we should separate as a typical couple would, in a civil manner.
He relents, giving me one final push and I land hard on the asphalt road. I turn to my side and start coughing like mad, trying to get my oxygen back.
“What a beautiful place you picked out, Jen. It’s a gorgeous night and all. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t upset about your rash decision, but you’ve always been an ungrateful bitch, so I shouldn’t have expected more from you. But as I drove these past few hours, tailing you, letting you believe you were going to get away from me, I calmed somewhat. Hell, I even stopped at the store to do some shopping. This spontaneous decision of walking away from our marriage opened my eyes to a whole number of other possibilities for my career. Possibilities which I wouldn’t have been able to conceive if it wasn’t for you, because until your little act of rebellion, I would have never thought of such an ingenious solution to all my troubles. So I guess you did do something right in the end after all.”
“What are you talking about, Ben?” I cough into the side of the road, thinking about how this man has finally lost it.
“I’m talking about how I’m going to make all my years of sacrifice pay off in a big way. Not only will I get the bad guys, but I’ll be a hero—a sympathetic one at that.” He grins his yellow smile, which haunts me in my dreams. The very smile he always uses when he’s about to get creative with my punishments, knowing just how much pain he can wring out of my body without leaving too much evidence behind.
“Ben, please. I’ll do whatever you want. Just enough with the riddles,” I beg since I have to know just exactly how he’s going to hurt me this time. I need to protect the baby inside me and having an inkling on what his next move is, will only help me in the long run in doing just that.
He looks up at the night sky and takes a good whiff, as if he’s communing with Mother Nature and not standing in the middle of the road, while I’m bleeding, still gasping for air, looking at my car, overturned from the wreck he caused. His insanity is that much more terrifying because he looks so at peace right now. And then he smiles again. I don’t think that, after Ben, I will ever be able to appreciate such a simple gesture. I hate smiles. I hate them with a passion. Smiles lie. They conceal who a real person is. If anyone were to look at Ben now, they would see a demure, sensible-looking man, maybe even think he couldn’t hurt a fly, much less raise a hand to a woman. He looks like your next-door neighbor who helps you bring in the groceries from the car, and helps old ladies cross the street. Yet, behind his smile lies a sociopath.
“Oh, Jen, aren’t you going to ask what I bought on my quick pit stop at the store?”
I want to shake my head, but that will just infuriate him. What I’m hoping is that his little speech is long enough for some random car to pass by, see the wreck, and stop to help us. Ben is an exceptional liar, one of the best, but I doubt he’d be able to hurt me in front of a stranger.
I see him walk back to his car, which only has minor scratches, and he opens the trunk and takes out a large bag. He walks back to my crouched form, and I hear metal clank on the asphalt next to me.
When I look to the side to see what it is, my eyes widen in horror—a shovel.
I lean my head back to watch my murderer give me one final grin, stealing all hope from me with it.
Chapter 32
Hope
I feel someone slapping my face countless times, growing impatient with my inability to respond. I want to open my eyes, but the force at which these slaps are coming at me prevents me from being able to take a breath and just get my bearings. When I feel a body on top of mine, and hands—that were once actively seeking a response from me—attach themselves to my neck, I know exactly who awaits me when I open my eyes. His minty breath is a reminder of things long past, which I should have never let myself forget.
“Wake up, Jen. I still need you alive. Where is my son? Did that biker take him somewhere with his friends?” he asks, unaffected by how I’m struggling to gasp for air in his chokehold. My teary eyes are now fully open, for the first time, seeing him for the villain I know him to be.
“Oh good, you’re back.” He smirks maliciously. “I can make this very easy for you, Jen. Just tell me where the kid is, and I’ll make this all go away. I promise I’ll make it quick.”
“So many lies, Ben,” I spit, sinking my nails in his hands. “I did learn better than to believe any of them.”
“Ah. I see you remember now.
Long time no see, Jen. I was starting to tire of the whore,” he smiles with his perfect-white teeth in my face. “Still, she seemed a lot more fun in some departments than you ever were. Heard you fuck three guys at once now,” he taunts, spreading my legs wide with his, keeping his pelvis too close to mine. “If I knew gangbangs were your thing, I would have gotten much more creative in the bedroom.”
I cringe at his crude words, and the memories they bring, of what Ben considered foreplay and lovemaking. I was always his doll, for him to do with as he pleased, without a soul living inside while doing it. He made a mockery of the words ‘family’ and ‘love’ and now having lived a life where I have experienced the true sense of both words, I won’t allow him to do it any further.
Ben thinks he’s on top, figuratively and physically, but he has no idea who I am anymore. He thinks he’s dealing with Jen, a lost woman trying to find her way in the world with the cards that have been dealt to her, but he’s not. He’s dealing with me now, Hope, and that is my advantage against this monster—releasing my own beast.
“Maybe if you’re good and you tell me where I can get my son, I’ll fuck you for old times’ sake?” he chides, and I open my legs wider, my dress rising to my thigh, leaving my core that much more exposed to him.
“You like that idea, don’t you? Maybe I haven’t given this new Hope enough credit,” he says, loosening one of the hands lodged at my throat and grabbing my breast painfully hard. I blink at him, trying my best to school my own features, just as Michael does with his when he’s faced with a dilemma. When I feel what I’m looking for, carefully strapped on my left thigh, my own evil smile is brought forth, and I wonder if this is what Cam’s enemies see before he takes his shot.
“No, Ben, you really haven’t given me enough credit,” I say, and plunge my dagger so deep in his thigh—twisting it twice just how Gabriel showed me, so the wound would bleed extensively, rendering my enemy powerless—and I spit on his face as he rolls away from me, grabbing his injured leg.
