‘We need to be prepared for the fact that even if we attempt to destroy Remus 12, we will be unable to do so,’ the Admiral said as she paced before her desk, her hands locked behind her back.
At the mention of destroying Remus 12, Nida felt the entity within. It screamed at her. It begged her to do something. It told her she was a murderer for sitting by and doing nothing.
She clamped down on her teeth and she tried to control herself. She did it by repeating Sharpe's words: she would do what was right. Whatever that was.
‘Cadet,’ the Admiral whirled on her foot again, now clutching her arms so tightly behind her back, her shoulders bulged against her trim uniform, ‘you provided a surprisingly . . . emotive report to the Board back on Earth. You have proven yourself to be a capable observer. I need your advice now. What are we to do if the Vex survive our attempts to destroy the planet?’
Nida was torn.
She had no idea what to say.
Should she beg the Admiral not to destroy Remus 12? Should she get to her feet and give an impassioned speech about their moral duty to try to save the Vex?
Or would that just get her thrown in the brig?
Nida had to be careful.
She'd come along on this mission on the hope that she could help.
That somehow, though it sounded impossible, she’d be able to find a way to save the Vex. All she had to do was try. Try like she'd never tried before.
Sharpe had told her she had stamina and resilience.
It was time to find out if he was right.
So she had to be very careful.
She had to keep her feelings from the Admiral, right?
Or would it not matter?
Had Carson already shared Nida’s misgivings with the Admiral?
Despite the fact Nida didn't know how she felt about him right now, she doubted it. For one, the Admiral hadn't challenged her, nor had she thrown her in the brig, and for another, Carson . . . he’d done everything to protect her in the past. And though it was likely a foolish, ridiculous hope, maybe he was still trying to help her.
Maybe he was giving her the time and space to sort her head out.
She didn't know.
So she didn't exactly know how to answer the Admiral.
Admiral Forest whirled on her foot again, her eyebrows crumpling. ‘Cadet. Answer,’ she said simply and curtly.
Nida swallowed. There was only so much stalling she could do before Admiral Forest became so irate, she'd kick Nida out an airlock. ‘I don't know,’ she managed simply.
The Admiral's eyebrows descended so low, it was a surprise they didn't bury into her eyes. ‘Not good enough. I want to know what you know. What the entity knows.’
Nida flinched.
The Admiral noted it. ‘We have been assured by the medical personnel several times that you're modified telekinetic implant is doing its job. It is keeping the entity away from you. You don't need to be afraid. You need, in fact, to overcome any latent fear and rise to your duties, Cadet. I understand it must've been hard to endure what that creature put you through. I cannot begin to understand how it felt to have it trapped within your body, controlling both you and your mind. But all I can tell you is that we need you now,’ the Admiral spoke stiffly, her lips barely moving around her words, ‘the Coalition needs you. You may have never faced responsibility like this, but I assure you, you cannot shirk from it. If you run and hide or push away, you will never forgive yourself. When people's lives rest in your hands, and you drop them, you will live with that shame for the rest of your life.’
The Admiral was being brutally honest, but maybe Nida needed brutally honest right now.
The way Forest spoke of responsibility . . . it was clear she was speaking from personal experience.
‘It will eat you up inside, and there will be few things in this universe that will be able to relieve you of that grief,’ the Admiral noted in a quiet, distant tone. Even though her voice didn’t boom out, it captured Nida's attention more than a shout in her ear.
With a kick of nerves, she pushed forward on her chair, following the Admiral with her gaze.
The Admiral was wrong. Nida knew perfectly well that failing one’s responsibility would haunt one for life; the entity was there to remind her of that fact.
However, there was another fact that Nida hadn't truly appreciated yet. With all that was going on in her mind, and the turgid storm of emotions the entity sent her way, she hadn’t paused to wonder what would happen when this was all over.
If she somehow interfered with the Coalition's plan to destroy the Vex, and the Vex in turn destroyed the Coalition, that would be on Nida's head, wouldn't it?
If Nida directly or indirectly led to the Vex destroying the Coalition, the responsibility would be hers.
It wouldn't just weigh her down; it would crush her completely.
It would prove Bridget and Bradley right: she was not cut out to save others. She could only condemn them.
With a dry mouth, she watched the Admiral.
‘The answers aren't always clear,’ the Admiral suddenly said as her eyes unfocused and she looked beyond Nida towards the windows behind her desk. They offered a perfect view of space beyond. It wasn't the usual black dotted with stars. Considering the speed the Chronos was travelling at, she couldn't see stars at all, only long lines of blinking light.
‘Sometimes you have to battle to make them clear,’ the Admiral added as she curled a hand into a fist and struck it against her thigh. ‘Sometimes you get it wrong. But when people's lives are on the line, the cost of getting it wrong increases. And when everybody's life is on the line,’ she finally turned to face Nida directly, ‘the cost is unfathomable. Do you understand that? Can you appreciate what it would be like to lose the Coalition? We cannot afford to make a mistake.’
Nida, despite herself, despite the entity, nodded.
Christ, the Admiral couldn't afford to make a mistake, could she?
Nida wasn’t in the same position as Forest, and though she could blame the woman for the brutal decision to destroy Vex, the Admiral was right: the cost of losing was incalculable.
Which meant the risks they were willing to take became all the harder to calculate.
But no matter how much sense Nida could now see in the Admiral's words, it didn't wash away her resolve completely.
In fact, all she found herself doing was thinking of Sharpe's words over and over again. Do what's right, do what's good, do what’ll make people proud of you.
The Coalition had no choice but to attempt to destroy the Vex, in part she could see that.
But that didn't mean she should give up, right?
Because maybe there was another way.
Nida couldn't force the responsibility onto others. She alone knew more about the entity and the Vex than anyone else, save for Carson.
Surely that meant she was in a unique position to find a way to save them?
She just had to . . . think. Try. Find. Stop being drowned by emotion, and start pulling herself out of that pit of despair to find the solution she desperately sought.
That's what Sharpe would do.
The Academy could not test grit. It couldn’t test one's ability to push through insurmountable odds to force a solution to arise.
Only life could do that.
Nida had never thought of herself as the kind to be able to surmount any odds. She always believed she was the type of girl to give up at the first opportunity. That wasn't right, was it? Because despite the fact she had always known she was the worst recruit at the Academy, she’d never quit.
Sharpe had thought she wouldn’t survive a week, well she had. She kept going. No matter how many times she’d been knocked down, she kept going. In fact, that's what she needed now.
Despite the fear and shame the entity threw at her, and the anger it infected her with, she could keep going.
It would push her down. She'd get up.
The odds were insurmountable. Sh
e'd find a way despite that fact.
Maybe, in a peculiar way, her less than fantastic history to date had prepared Nida perfectly for this situation.
Despite the odds, she would push on.
She’d taught herself to do that from her years of constant failure.
‘Cadet, if you know anything that could help us, please. I understand this situation is beyond your current training. But if Carson's story is true, you’ve proved yourself to be more than your test scores proved you to be. I cannot shoulder this responsibility alone. The Coalition must fight to survive, or die. So help,’ there was a pleading tone to the Admiral's voice, and it seemed to echo around the room like a scream, despite the fact the woman hadn't shouted at all.
Nida found herself pushing up from her chair, rising, and facing the Admiral.
‘If it happens . . . if you don't manage to destroy Remus 12,’ she choked through her words, and it was one of the hardest things she'd ever done to push them from her closed-off throat, ‘we run. It'll be the only way. They'll be desperate,’ she began.
The Admiral shook her head. It was a powerful move, and as she did so, she fixed Nida with a look full of disappointment. ‘We do not. Perhaps you don’t yet understand, but with responsibility comes sacrifice. Though I hope this mission will succeed, I also understand that if it doesn’t, we’ll become the last line of defense. If your assessment of the future is correct, then the Vex will do anything to get hold of our technology. They will push out into the galaxy when their timeline aligns with ours, and they’ll attract ships to their home world. They’ll loot, they’ll plunder, and they will destroy and steal whatever they can. We will fight them. For if we don't, they will move on from us, and attack others. We cannot run.’
Nida could see how disappointed the Admiral was. The line to the woman's jaw was so hard, it was a surprise she didn't cut through the collar of her shirt.
‘We need to know how to fight them. If it comes down to it, we'll need an edge. Can I rely on you?’ she asked directly.
Nida hadn’t been prepared to be put on the spot so directly. She squirmed. She actually fidgeted back, her shoulders shifting tight against her uniform as her hands curled into sweaty fists.
The Admiral watched her with narrowed, piercing eyes. ‘Cadet Harper? Can I trust you? Can we rely on you?’
Her lips dropped open and she muttered a hasty, ‘yes.’
There was no force behind Nida's voice though, and the Admiral's brow crumpled further. ‘Do you understand what's at stake here?’ she snapped.
Nida nodded forcefully. In fact, her head jerked back so quickly, she strained her neck muscles. ‘Yes,’ she stammered, ‘I do. It's just . . . ’ she trailed off.
‘What?’
‘I . . . wish there was another way,’ she answered truthfully.
The Admiral looked at her with an unreadable expression. The woman was either about to throw Nida in the brig, or give her a hug. Eventually, however, she cleared her throat. ‘We all wish there was another way. But we do not have the luxury of waiting for one to eventuate. It's unfortunate that you've been placed in this situation. I can't force you to rise to the responsibility, but I can beg you. So please, help us,’ the Admiral said through clenched teeth. ‘Maybe you’re confused by the presence of the entity, maybe you aren't. But I beg of you to have loyalty to the Coalition. Your home. There are billions of people at stake,’ she stated quickly, ‘their fate rests in your hands.’
It was too much.
The pressure suddenly exploded.
Nida jerked up from her chair, tears actually misting her eyes.
She'd come into this meeting with the Admiral convinced she was a monster for even suggesting to destroy the Vex.
Now Nida was more confused than she'd ever been.
She had no idea what was the right thing to do.
All she could feel was the pressure of having to decide.
‘Cadet,’ the Admiral snapped.
Nida had to get away.
But she didn't. Though she wanted to run, hide in her room, and actually throw her blankets over her head in the hope they’d close out this terrible world, she didn't.
Something anchored her to the spot.
It wasn't the entity, nor was it the look in the Admiral's gaze.
It was Nida herself.
It was that slim, flicker of hope that if she kept pushing, she could find a solution to this.
‘Cadet,’ the Admiral boomed once more, ‘we can’t afford weakness nor indecision. For both will get us killed. All I'm asking is that when the time comes, if the time comes,’ the Admiral spoke through clenched teeth, ‘you rise to our defense. We will do whatever we can to protect you, and we ask of you the same sacrifice.’
Again Nida shuddered back. Again she stood her ground. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she wanted nothing more than to hide her face in her hands, yet she kept her palms locked against her legs instead.
And she faced the Admiral.
The woman's gaze was unwavering and as powerful as 10,000 suns.
‘If we had time, we'd find another way. If we had time, we wouldn't have to rely on you. We would have pulled the entity from you, we’d have left you back at the Academy. You're just a cadet, you shouldn't be on a mission like this. But you are. You either push that fact away or embrace the responsibility it entails. I must go to a meeting with the Captain, I’ll be unavailable for the next hour and a half. I will meet with you afterwards,’ the Admiral said plainly as she took a step back from Nida, straightened her collar, and nodded towards the door. ‘You are dismissed, Cadet. But before you go, I want you to understand one thing: nothing about this is fair. You'll find the galaxy never is. But you can make it right, if you try. For now, I’ll trust that should we need you, you will help. Yet, if you decide you are unable, you will come to me and tell me. Do you understand?’ The Admiral suddenly fixed her with such a piercing gaze, it was a surprise Forest’s eyes didn't jump right out of her skull and bore through Nida. ‘I am directly responsible for the crew of this ship. If you believe you are unable to help them should the Vex attack, I need to know now. Don't let me put you in a position of responsibility if you will fail. People will die.’
Nida was speechless.
The Admiral made a cutting motion towards the door with her palm. ‘Leave. I must attend my next meeting.’
Nida turned, no, she stumbled, and she headed towards the door.
‘One last thing, Cadet. Carson Blake believes in you. Don't let him be wrong.’
With that, Nida walked through the door. As it closed behind her with a near-silent hiss, she blinked her eyes closed and she locked them tight.
She was . . . beyond confused.
She had nothing to hold onto anymore.
Just a mess of thoughts and emotion and responsibility and guilt.
It felt like it was drowning her.
As several crewmembers walked past, talking hurriedly amongst themselves, she blinked her eyes open, turned, and walked away.
The entity was with her. It was always with her.
Telling her the Coalition were monsters for destroying the Vex. Telling her it was up to her to find a way. Find a way to save them.
And yet, the entity's voice was no longer as strong. It had been drowned out by the Admiral's ferocity.
Ferocity, but justified passion.
The Admiral was right. The entity was right. Everybody was right.
And it was all wrong.
Stuck in the middle of this, being crushed from all sides.
In a daze, she walked back to the quarters she'd been assigned.
She wanted to close her eyes, rest her head on the pillow, and wait for it all to be over.
Maybe the Coalition would destroy Remus 12, maybe they'd try but fail, only to have the Vex surge forward to obliterate them. Maybe Nida would be called upon to save her fellow shipmates.
Maybe she wouldn't be.
Everything loomed before her in a
terrible question mark.
Nothing was certain.
No, that was a lie.
Something was certain.
Soon, she’d be reminded of that.
Chapter 19
Carson Blake
Everything was happening all at once. The Chronos was abuzz. Nobody on board had ever been on such an important mission.
It wasn't every day you destroyed a planet. It certainly wasn't every day you destroyed a planet that was stuck in its own timeline, one that would soon realign with this galaxy and usher in a day of destruction.
If he weren’t living it, he wouldn't believe it.
And yet, despite how frantic and incredible it was, he couldn't forget her.
He desperately wanted a chance to go see her. To check on her.
Yet he’d been rushed off his feet ever since he’d boarded the ship.
Right now, he was hunkered down in one of the discussion rooms, going over everything he knew about the Vex for about the millionth time.
Everybody was preparing for the prospect this wouldn’t work.
Maybe they wouldn’t be able to destroy the Vex in time, or maybe, horrifyingly, it would have no effect. They could destroy Remus 12, but that may not prevent the Vex from realigning. After all, Remus 12 of the present was not the same planet as the past. They were only assuming that if they destroyed the planet, it would ripple through time and destroy the Vex of the past, obliterating their timeline completely.
From the limited data he’d been able to share with scientists, everybody hoped the destruction of Remus 12 would solve this problem.
They had to prepare for the fact it wouldn’t.
For now, however, they pinned their hopes on the easy way out.
Easy, but brutal.
He kept thinking back to Nida, of course he did. He wanted to pretend her reluctance to destroy the Vex was all down to the entity and its manipulation. He couldn’t kid himself though.
It was her.
She was too kind for this world. No, that made her sound naive and innocent.
That wasn’t it.
She was just the kind to believe there was always another way. That violence was your last and final option, not your first convenience.
Ouroboros- The Complete Series Page 82
