Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

“Still critical. Our biggest concerns are pneumonia and his ICP,” I said.

  Alec looked at me again. “You said, ‘our biggest concerns.’ Have you been assigned to his case?”

  I couldn’t tell her that I’d designated myself as his caregiver, so I said, “I meant the hospital staff in general.”

  “Doesn’t sound good,” she said and looked at the baby. She brushed a wisp of hair from his forehead and sighed. “The whole situation is so strange. I guess he could have been swept away by the floods, but who would have had him down by the river in the first place?”

  “That’s the million-dollar question. Maybe his parents were evacuating. Hopefully there’ll be news today,” I said, glad the conversation had turned back to the baby. It was the first time I could remember carrying on a civil conversation with Alec. She was popular around the hospital and probably a perfectly nice person, but we’d always kept our conversation to work matters.

  I needed someone to talk to, but as I was about to open up to her, she said, “Grace, I’m sorry to be nosy, but why were you crying when I came in? I thought maybe he’d died.”

  Marci came back before I could answer, so I motioned for Alec to follow me out. While we watched from the nurses’ station, her question hung in the air between us and gave me the perfect opening.

  “He’s so alone. He doesn’t have anyone to care for more than his physical needs. I guess the sight of him so defenseless broke my heart,” I said and turned to face her. “Who’s going to love him, Alec? We all need to be loved.” Tears threatened again, so I let my words trail off.

  “True. Thanks for telling me. It’s none of my business,” Alec said.

  “I probably would have asked too. We both know this isn’t like me. I got some bad news yesterday, and I haven’t slept, and with the hurricane and all…” The words tumbled out before I could stop them, and I wondered why I was making excuses to her.

  Alec hesitated before saying, “I’m sorry to hear that.” The words fell flat. She didn’t sound sorry. We fidgeted for a few seconds before she said, “I’d stay and talk, but my break is over. The ER’s still swamped. I’d better go.”

  I almost laughed at how fast she tore out of there, desperate to be free of me. I stayed with the baby for another hour before I got word that my nurses were turning the hospital upside down to find me. I pulled myself away from my new little friend and took the elevator back to my floor. An unhappy crowd awaited me at my office door. I took a deep breath and charged in.

  The rest of that day was filled with petty irritations and micro-crises. By the end of my shift, Kinsley insisted I go home. He told me that the national guard was escorting people out of the city. I checked in on the baby before I left, but there wasn’t any change. I promised him I’d be back in the morning and kissed his forehead when no one was looking. He didn’t react, but I was certain he’d felt it.

  I pulled into the garage never so happy to see my house. I went in and heated a frozen lasagna. My block hadn’t lost power like some of the surrounding neighborhoods, so I’d gotten lucky in that at least. After dinner, I took the best bubble bath ever and climbed into bed. I snuggled into my cocoon, certain I’d be asleep in minutes, but memories of Andrew and the baby bombarded me each time I closed my eyes.

  I’d learned that the best way for me to combat insomnia was to get out of bed.

  I hunted for a box of letters from Andrew in the hall closet. When I found it, I sat on the hallway floor and pulled out the precious contents. Several of them spoke of my bright spirit and capacity for good, but I’d never found those qualities in myself. I thought again of how I’d treated Alec when she worked for me and cringed. I’d never told Andrew about Alec or how I’d treated some of the other nurses. He’d have been so disappointed. I imagined him in some afterlife, looking down at me and shaking his head.

  I pulled out another letter. In it, Andrew had encouraged me to open myself up to the good in the world. I had no trust in that world and didn’t really believe it existed. I’d never seen it, and I’d learned early on that trust was dangerous. Since the death of my mother when I was ten, I’d trusted only Andrew. With him gone, my choices were to continue alone, trusting no one, or to learn to trust in the world Andrew spoke of.

  I thought of the poor baby in the PICU. I could make his world a loving place for as long as he needed me. It would be a good place to start. I put Andrew’s letters away and went back to bed, where I drifted into the best sleep I’d had in months.

  Chapter Two

  My gut tightened as the plane touched down at Lincoln Airport four days later. I hadn’t been to Nebraska for many years. I wouldn’t have set foot there for any reason other than Andrew’s funeral.

  His cousin Jessica picked me up at the airport. I’d gone to grade school with her daughter and caught up on their lives during the ride to my hotel. Jessica walked me to my room and said she’d give me an hour to get settled before she returned to get me for the viewing. I was about to tell her I didn’t want to go to the viewing, but she was in the elevator before I could.

  I sat on the end of the bed, staring at the ugly curtains that blacked out the clear, blue sky beyond. I walked to the window and started to open them but changed my mind. The dreary darkness in the room matched my mood. Facing the reality of Andrew’s death was bad enough. I hadn’t figured out how I’d find the strength to face my relatives, many of whom I hadn’t seen in more than twenty years.

  Andrew and my mother had grown up and gone to school together, and our families had been friends for generations. I dreaded the interrogation I’d get about where I’d been for so many years. I made a mental list of evasions and started unpacking.

  I only glanced into Andrew’s coffin as I walked past at the viewing. I didn’t want my last memory of him to be that lifeless body in the casket. On my way into the chapel, I decided that when my time came, I wanted to be cremated so no one would be forced to view my corpse.

  Andrew had been well loved in the community, so the chapel was already full when I walked in. I took a seat in a back corner, hoping I hadn’t been spotted by anyone who knew me. The funeral was lovely and was more a celebration of Andrew’s life than a dreary memorial. Andrew would have insisted on that. After hearing stories of his selfless service to anyone in need, I felt honored to have been considered one of his closest friends.

  The instant the pallbearers were out of the chapel, I made a beeline for the exit. I was almost through the doorway when I heard Aunt Jenny’s voice behind me. I took a deep breath before turning to face her. She had been my surrogate mother when I was a teenager. The sight of her as an old woman shocked me until I realized that I’d aged too. Mama and Aunt Jenny had looked so much alike that I could picture Mama at her age. Aunt Jenny broke me from my thoughts by giving me a tight hug. I hugged her back gently, afraid I’d break her.

  When we stepped apart, she said, “Is this what it takes to get you here, Gracie?”

  The years vanished at the sound of my childhood nickname, and I reverted to the timid and vulnerable child I’d once been. “I’m sorry, Aunt Jenny,” I said. “It’s hard to get away from my work. I’ll try to get up to Des Moines soon.” I had no intention of ever going to Des Moines, but it was all I could think to say.

  “See that you do, sweetheart. We’ve missed you. Walt was just talking about you at Sunday dinner the week before Andrew died. How are you doing?” she asked.

  They missed me so much that none of them had ever bothered to call and say that. I let the comment drop and said, “I’m good. Busy. We just had a hurricane.”

  Walt and Uncle Thomas stepped closer to join the conversation. Soon, other old friends and family crowded around. The conversations drifted away from me, so I took the chance to duck out. I had gone to the funeral to honor Andrew and console his daughters, not to satisfy my family’s curiosity.

  I hoped to find Andrew’s daughters in the foyer but only caught a glimpse of them as they climbed into the limo to go to
the cemetery. I found Jessica and asked if she’d mind taking me back to the hotel.

  “You’re not going to the cemetery or family luncheon afterward? You’re invited, you know,” she said, looking concerned.

  “I know, and I appreciate that,” I said, “but I got up at the crack of dawn to catch my flight, and I have a bit of a headache. I need to lie down.”

  She started to protest, but I put up my hand to stop her. “It’s fine, really. I’ll catch up with everyone later.”

  She shrugged and followed me out the door to her car. I told her that the hotel had an airport shuttle so she wouldn’t need to give me a ride in the morning.

  “It’s no trouble,” she said. “I’m retired now, so I don’t have anywhere else to be. I wish I could talk you into staying for a few days. Everyone wants to see you.”

  “I really can’t. Things are crazy at work with the hurricane and all,” I said, never thinking I’d be so grateful for a hurricane.

  “I understand, but don’t be such a stranger. You know you’re welcome anytime,” she said.

  I nodded but didn’t say anything for the rest of the drive.

  I ordered dinner at the hotel restaurant and ate it in my room. No one called or came by to check on me for the rest of my time there. I assumed that Jessica made my excuses for me, but I thought Aunt Jenny would have called to check on me. I should have known better.

  As my plane took off the next morning, I realized that Andrew had been my only tie to the past, and they’d just put him in the ground. As the fields below faded away, I let my past fade with them. My only hope for happiness lay in what stretched before me, so that’s where I set my sights.

  By the time I got back from the funeral, the inflammation on the baby’s brain had receded, so he’d escaped a craniotomy. He was also breathing on his own. Dr. Brad Carter, the pediatric neurologist in charge of his case, had removed the breathing tube and transferred him to a private room on the pediatric ward.

  I put a rocking chair from home next to his crib and bought him a blue quilt embroidered with baby blocks. I spent as much time as I could spare with him.

  The name on his chart read Baby John Doe. I couldn’t bring myself to call him that. It made him sound like a homicide victim. I named him Johnny, and the entire staff soon started calling him that. All that was left was for him to wake up.

  I had to skip my morning time with Johnny three weeks later when Kinsley called me to his office. He rarely asked to meet with me unless there was a problem, so I dreaded going to see him. All he cared about was the bottom line and didn’t seem to comprehend that patients were people, not products. He had to deal with increasing costs and dwindling budgets, but he made no effort to find a middle ground. I was sure that was why the board had hired him.

  I’d nicknamed him the Hyena, and not just because of his behavior. His wide-set, soulless eyes were in constant motion. It unnerved me, and I was cautious to never turn my back on him. His opinion of me was less than stellar too, so there was no love lost between us. He was perpetually irritated by my refusals to implement his cost-cutting initiatives. I feared most of them might put patients’ lives at risk. The rest I ignored out of spite.

  Kinsley wasn’t the only one who didn’t like me. Most of the staff was more than a little intimidated by me and called me Attila the Hun behind my back. I ignored them because it pretty much gave me the run of the place.

  As soon as I sat down in Kinsley’s office, he said, “I’ll get right to it, Grace. We’re both busy people.”

  Our meetings had historically started with, “We have a problem,” so I felt a glimmer of hope that he hadn’t called me in to chew me out.

  “The NIH has chosen this hospital, in conjunction with the university, to create an infectious-disease unit. I’d like you to head the nursing team.”

  It was a good thing that I had a firm grip on my chair, or I would have tumbled out of it. I easily thought of four people he could have chosen over me. I wondered if they’d all refused, and he had been forced to ask me.

  “I’d be honored,” I said before he could take the offer back. “What’s involved?”

  He gave me the details and told me he had a replacement for me on the IM floor. He said I had four weeks to put together a nursing team. I could have anyone on staff, pending his final approval. Alec Covington came to my mind as soon as the words were out of Kinsley’s mouth. I went straight to my office after the meeting and called the ER. I asked Amanda to have Alec come see me on her break.

  “May I tell her what this is about?” Amanda asked.

  “No,” I said and hung up.

  I wasn’t sure Alec would come, but she tapped on my open door two hours later, looking like she’d been summoned to the principal’s office. It made me wonder if I was her Hyena.

  “Come in,” I said, motioning to the chair on the opposite side of my desk.

  She hesitated for a second but then came in. I explained about the infectious-disease unit and repeated what Kinsley had said. “The position will require spending long hours with patients in isolation. I know you like working in the ER, but I’d like to offer you a position with the unit,” I said.

  Alec blinked a few times and said, “What?”

  I was confused by her confusion. “I’m offering you a chance to work for me on the ID team,” I said to clarify.

  “Oh, I got that,” she said. “I just can’t believe you had the gall to say it. The answer is no,” she said and jumped out of the chair.

  “Alec, wait,” I said. “Don’t you want to think about it? It’s a great opportunity. It could really enhance your career.”

  She stopped in the doorway and turned. “I’m sure it would, but no career advancement is worth having to work with you. I couldn’t wait to get out of your department the first time. I won’t make that mistake again.”

  I sank into my chair and put my head in my hands. “I deserve that. Please, let’s talk about this. Don’t miss this opportunity because of me. You’ll regret it.”

  Alec folded her arms but didn’t move. “The only time I regretted moving to Richmond was when I met you. Your demand for perfection was intolerable, and you were constantly riding me. I respect your abilities in spite of that, and I’ve even learned from you, but that’s not enough to make it worth working for you again.”

  “I was only trying to help you reach your full potential. I didn’t want to coddle you,” I said.

  “Coddle me? No one would mistake what you did for coddling. Besides, you treat everyone that way. It’s who you are.”

  That stung. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, desperate to figure out how to convince her. I didn’t just need her on my ID team. I wanted to make up for the past and gain her trust. I wanted her as a friend.

  I raised my head and said, “Listen, Alec, you have one of the quickest minds of any nurse I’ve known. The way you interact with the patients is impressive. Your name was the first one on my list.”

  She leaned in and put her hands flat on my desk. “Are you kidding me? I’ll make this simple and not waste our time. I’m not leaving a position I love to go back to working for the resident tyrant.”

  Her comment was so unexpected that I did something rare for me: I laughed.

  Alec stepped back and said, “What’s so funny?”

  I went to her and put my hand on her arm. “I’ve owed you an apology for my behavior since the day we met. You didn’t deserve the harassment I gave you. You are a skilled nurse, and you worked hard for me. I’m sorry. Give me a chance to make it up to you.”

  “You’re only saying that so I’ll agree to work on the ID team,” she said and pushed my hand off her arm.

  “No, I’m not. Three other nurses jumped at the chance, and there are other nurses I could ask. I do want you on the team. Things will be different. I’m different.”

  “Why should I believe you?” she asked, and I could tell I was getting to her.

  “Because I’m tired of being
the ‘resident tyrant,’” I said and smiled. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I give you my word: I’ve changed. Do you remember when you saw me with Johnny in the PICU? Did that seem like the old me?”

  Alec squinted at me for a few seconds. “Not at all. Honestly, it freaked me out.”

  “I know it’s asking a lot for you to trust me, but that’s what I’m doing. Will you please reconsider?”

  I tried to read her eyes, but she looked away. “Maybe. I am intrigued, and not only about the job.”

  “Take three days to decide. Training starts next month. That will be enough time to replace you,” I said.

  “Fine. I’ll contact you either way in three days, but I’m still leaning toward no.” She started to leave but turned in the doorway. “How is that baby, anyway? I heard you’re taking care of him. I didn’t believe it. That didn’t sound like something you’d do.”

  “The rumors are true. See? I’ve changed. To answer your question, though, he’s still comatose but stable.”

  “Why do you care about him, Grace? I’m sure the peds staff has it covered.”

  I wanted to tell her the truth, but it was too soon. “It just seems right,” I said.

  The look on her face made me laugh again, but I caught the hint of a smile on her face before she turned to go.

  Waiting to hear from Alec was torture. I was dying to find out if I’d gotten through to her. She found me in Johnny’s room three days later.

  “I’d be honored to accept the position,” she said, “with two conditions. First, I’m daring you to show me that you’ve changed. And second, teach me everything you know.”

  “It’s a deal,” I said, extending my hand. “I’ll send the paperwork over tomorrow. The orientation information’s in the packet.”

  Alec walked to the crib and gently scooped Johnny up. “How’s he doing today?” she asked.