Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

  Twelve hours later, I was in my office going over my breach investigation notes, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. It was my assigned time to sleep, but I hadn’t been able to. The CDC and NIH teams had arrived four hours earlier and had taken another hour to set up. By then I was too keyed up to sleep.

  An orderly named Tony, along with Patrick, one of my nurses had already started showing symptoms. Patrick was the last one I’d expected to get sick. He was as meticulous as I was about the protocols, and he was as strong as an ox. I’d checked on him before going to my office. It had taken all his strength to lift his head off the pillow. If the infection could take him down like that, the rest of us were doomed.

  The CDC team director told us to expect the quarantine to last at least three weeks. That was the best-case scenario. Three weeks. It felt like an eternity, but I knew it would likely last much longer. I pushed my notes to the side and laid my head on the desk. People I cared about were facing their own mortalities, and I couldn’t stop worrying about Johnny. The nurses in the peds wing were getting irritated with my calling every two hours, but it comforted me to know they were taking care of him. Calling helped me feel closer to him.

  I’d been at the hospital for over twenty-four hours and hadn’t slept. I decided a shower might help. I filed my notes and headed for the locker room. I turned a corner to see Alec heading toward me.

  “You’re supposed to be sleeping. I went to your room looking for you,” she said.

  “I couldn’t sleep, and why, if I’m supposed to be asleep, were you coming to bother me?”

  “To tell you that Margret Morrison died.”

  Alec went blurry for a second, and I had to lean on the wall to keep from falling. “Who?” I asked.

  Alec grabbed a chair and made me sit. I didn’t resist. “The Zero Patient, from one twenty-one. I thought you’d want to know. Are you all right?”

  “Oh, when?” I said, ignoring her question.

  “Twenty minutes ago. They’re doing the autopsy. You didn’t answer my question.”

  “I’m just exhausted. I thought I’d have a better chance of falling asleep if I took a shower first.” I stood, and my legs felt like cooked spaghetti.

  Alec put her hands under my arms to stabilize me.

  “Don’t touch me. We’re not supposed to touch,” I said and pulled away.

  “I’m more worried you cracking your head on the tile than getting germs on your scrubs. Grace, are you getting sick?”

  “You know I’d tell you if I had symptoms. The news about Margret Morrison shocked me I think. She went so fast. This is bad.”

  “We don’t know enough yet to decide that. Let me walk you to the showers. Then I’m going to make Adam prescribe you a sedative. You have to keep your immune system strong.”

  “I know. I taught you that, remember?” I said. My legs were feeling stronger, so I took a few steps. “I’m fine. Let’s go.”

  While we walked, I asked about Kimberly. Alec told me there wasn’t any change. The fact that Kimberly was stable was good news. I was relieved, but it was early on. We had no idea what we were dealing with or how to treat it. I’d seen patients rally and then go downhill fast too many times to trust what was happening with Kimberly. I shook my head. Alec had been right. It was too soon to tell, and I couldn’t let it defeat me. I had too much to lose.

  A shower and a few hours of sleep were what I needed to clear my head. The next step was the food. The last time I’d had more than a power bar was my abbreviated lunch the day before. I went to the meal-distribution area and grabbed a sack lunch. I could just make out members of the support staff on the other side of the heavy plastic curtains separating us. A gowned and masked woman gave me a wave and went back to work.

  We were supposed to avoid congregating as much as possible, so I ate in my office. Being alone was never a problem for me, and I needed to go over patient charts. I turned my chair to look out the window while I ate. The sun streaming in felt nice, but all I could focus on was the people hurrying by a few feet away. They were free to come and go as they pleased. Even the woman who’d waved at me would be free to go home or to her hotel at the end of her shift. Thirty-six hours earlier, I’d been one of them. In a day, I’d become a prisoner whose only crime was the desire to help sick people.

  I turned my chair back to my desk. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and concentrate on helping those suffering much more than I was. I remembered Kimberly and my promise to fight. I had an obligation to those under my care. I had to protect those people outside my window and keep the infection from breaching the unit. Most importantly, I had to protect Johnny.

  I put on a pair of gloves and opened the top chart on my desk. Before I could read it, Angela stuck her head in the door and said, “You’d better come.”

  Visions of the day before came to my mind, and my gut tightened again. I followed Angela to the nurses’ station, where the on-duty staff circled around, talking in hushed tones. Alec was there even though she was supposed to be sleeping. She winked at me over her mask. When Dr. Bhandari cleared his throat, she turned her attention to him.

  “Now that everyone’s here, I need to update you on our situation,” he said. “Dr. Crawford and Caroline are exhibiting symptoms, as well as two members of the CDC support team.”

  He stopped while we absorbed the implications of what he’d told us. Not only was the chief of the ID team down, but Caroline too. The CDC team members had only been there for twenty-four hours. That meant a lightning-fast incubation.

  “Kimberly is stable, but Patrick and Tony are critical. Until further notice, I’ll be acting chief of the unit. Dr. Emerson will be acting assistant chief. Admin is working on getting us additional help, and, of course, we have the CDC and NIH teams to rely on too. Any questions?”

  No one spoke for a few seconds, but then Angela’s hand shot up. I cringed at what she might say. I shouldn’t have worried. The seriousness of our situation had sobered everyone, even Angela.

  “Yes, Angela?” Dr. Bhandari said.

  “Is anyone making progress on finding out what this is or how to treat it? We’re like sitting ducks. I’m totally freaked out.”

  “Understandable, but the answer is yes, to a certain extent. The infection is a similar strain to Streptococcus pneumoniae but appears to be vaccine and antibiotic resistant. Even worse, it has manifested exclusively in our cases here as sepsis bacteremia. Each infected patient had been vaccinated, including Margret Morrison, who, by way of information, was a nurse who had recently traveled to Haiti with Doctors Without Borders. Amazingly, no one else from her group is ill, but a team is traveling there to investigate. Unfortunately, her husband is being treated in Chapel Hill, where they currently have seven confirmed cases, including Mr. Morrison.”

  When Dr. Bhandari finished, Adam reminded us that our only defense was strict adherence to protocols. “Our hope is that the infected patients were exposed before we were aware of it.”

  “How does that explain the CDC workers?” Alec asked.

  “They could have been exposed before they got here. For now, our focus needs to be on stopping the spread instead of worrying about where it came from. We all need to be over-vigilant, especially considering our extra workload, until more help gets here. Let’s get back to work,” Adam said.

  I called Alec and Angela over to adjust our assignments. “I guess it’s just us. I’ll take Kimberly and Caroline myself. I’ll get back to you in thirty minutes with your new assignments. Until then, split the other patients between you and get their vitals. I want up-to-the-minute info on them.”

  “How can the three of us take care of all these patients? I’m at the brink now. I don’t think I can handle more,” Angela said.

  I was going to tell her to quit whining but stopped when I saw the look on her face. I must have looked just like that twelve hours earlier. I tried to reassure her with my eyes and said, “I know you’re tired, and you’ve been working hard. This is only u
ntil we get reinforcements. After you take vitals, go catch an hour nap and eat something. Maybe we’ll have more help by then.”

  She stared at me stone-faced for a few seconds before her face lit up. I could see her smile even behind her mask. That was the Angela I recognized. She nodded and headed off to carry out her assignments.

  Alec eyed me and said, “She doesn’t know how to handle a kinder, gentler Grace.”

  “Very funny. It worked, didn’t it?”

  “Yes, and what do you have in your bag of tricks for me?”

  I searched her face for the signs of fatigue I’d seen in Angela, but they weren’t there. “When was the last time you slept?” I asked, softening my tone.

  “I slept some before they called us here. I’m taking care of myself. Don’t worry. What choice do I have with Adam riding me?”

  I raised an eyebrow at her. “Umm hmm, I’m sure he is.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Wait, what did you mean?” she asked.

  I just laughed and told her to get back to work. I could feel her glaring at me as I walked away.

  Chapter Five

  I found a puzzle buried in a cupboard behind some games and cards. I dumped it out on the lounge floor and started putting it together. After three weeks of reading lame books and watching the same TV shows, I needed something new to do. I’d always loved puzzles. They’d been a perfect way to escape the horror of my life when I was young. As I was finishing the frame, Alec came in and sat on the floor behind me and sighed.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked without stopping my work on the puzzle.

  “Who says there’s anything wrong?”

  “The huge sigh gave it away.” I put in the final corner and turned to face her. She was leaning against the wall with her arms wrapped around her knees. “Come on, spill,” I said.

  “You mean aside from the fact that Patrick, Tony, Dr. Crawford, and…” Her voice caught, and she took a few breaths before she said, “And Kimberly are dead? That’s not even counting the seven other people not from the ID team. You mean, aside from the fact that we’ve been incarcerated for three weeks for no reason? Aside from the fact that they won’t let us near the patients, so there’s nothing to do? I feel like crawling out of my skin,” she said and put her forehead on her knees.

  Alec had been keeping me sane, so it was hard to hear her talk that way. I had nothing to say because she was right. I crawled to her and put my arm around her shoulder. We’d given up wearing the masks and gloves all the time since we were keeping to ourselves. The CDC director had decided to keep those of us first exposed away from the patients in case we carried the infection without symptoms. We thought it was overkill because our blood work kept coming out clean.

  Losing anyone from the ID had been painful, but losing Patrick and Kimberly had been devastating. We hadn’t had time to grieve when they died, but being sidelined gave us nothing but time. Fortunately, Caroline was recovering. We put all our energy into making sure she survived. The mortality rate was running at 50 percent, but the number of overall cases was declining. The infection was weakening too, which helped, even though the pathologists hadn’t found an effective treatment.

  “It’ll be over soon,” I said. It became my mantra even though I didn’t believe it myself. I hoped if I said it enough that it would become true.

  “You keep telling yourself that,” she said without lifting her head.

  Adam came in and sat on the other side of Alec, laying his arm around her other shoulder. “What are we doing?” he asked.

  “Feeling sorry for ourselves,” Alec said.

  “Now, none of that,” he said. He got up and reached out his hands to help us up.

  Alec smiled and obliged without hesitating.

  I shook my head and crawled back to my puzzle.

  “Let’s help her,” he said and sat across from me.

  “I don’t have the patience for puzzles, but I’ll watch,” Alec said. She lay down and put her head in Adam’s lap. After a few minutes, she said, “You know, Grace, you never finished telling me your life story. Tell us now. It’ll help pass the time.”

  “This is the worst possible time,” I said. “You feel bad enough already.”

  “Then how much worse can I get? Please.” She looked at me and batted her eyes.

  I glanced at Adam and shook my head.

  “Oh, don’t worry about him. I already told him.” When I glared at her, she said, “What else was there to do? He’s cool with it.”

  I stared down at the puzzle piece in my hand and thought, What the hell? Our lives had been turned upside down. Things from the past didn’t matter much anymore. It seemed like a year had passed since my talk with Alec. I placed the puzzle piece and sat back against a chair.

  “I told you about having to go live with my aunt and uncle in Des Moines. They’re good enough people, but they weren’t prepared to have me thrust upon them, even though that’s what my uncle thought he wanted. I had my cousin Walt too. He looked out for me. Unfortunately, he was the one who introduced me to Danny Clemson. Walt couldn’t have known. No one could have known.”

  My words trailed off as I relived the terror from that time in my life. I hadn’t said his name in so long because I tried to convince myself he’d never existed.

  “Who’s Danny Clemson?” Adam asked.

  I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Danny is my white-trash ex-husband,” I said and smiled, reminding him of his comment in the staff lounge.

  He chuckled and nodded.

  “Now it all makes sense,” Alec said.

  “It’s about time,” I said. “Danny and I started dating when I was sixteen. He was a senior and the most popular boy in school. I was honored he chose me over all the other girls. It wasn’t until later that I realized that, to him, I was the weakest member of the herd. Easy pickings.”

  “Men stink,” Alec said. When Adam pretended to shove her off his lap, she said, “Present company excepted.”

  Adam put his arms down and motioned for me to go on. I wasn’t sure I could. I stared at a print hanging on the wall above Adam’s head to avoid his eyes.

  “Danny raped me on prom night, and I got pregnant. He was furious and blamed me. Like it was my fault. His dad forced Danny to marry me. In my naiveté, even after everything that had happened, I thought Danny loved me.”

  “Why didn’t your aunt and uncle stop it?” Alec asked.

  “They said I got what I deserved and that I had to take responsibility for my actions. I think they were just happy to be rid of me. I didn’t care. It meant I could keep my baby. For the first time, I’d have someone I could love unconditionally who would love me back. Nothing else mattered. If I hadn’t married Danny, I would’ve had to give the baby up for adoption. That’s just what people did in my world.”

  “But you don’t have a child, do you?” Adam asked.

  The answer caught in my throat. I studied my shoelaces for several seconds before I said, “I miscarried six weeks after our shotgun wedding. Danny had gotten used to the idea of having a son by then, but I’d denied him that. The beatings started shortly after that. My life went on like that for four years and three more miscarriages, even though I tried to get away a few times. Danny always managed to get me and drag me back, saying I was his woman and belonged to him. With my fourth miscarriage, I had an emergency hysterectomy. I lost the chance of ever becoming a mother at the age of twenty-two.”

  Alec crawled over and wrapped her arms around me. “There aren’t words,” she said with her head on my shoulder.

  Tears dropped onto her sweater, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry anymore. I felt nothing. I gently pushed Alec up until I could see her eyes. “It was a long time ago,” I said. “Don’t cry for me. I have you, and I have Johnny. My life is full.”

  “How did you get here?” Adam asked.

  “One night, Danny started in on me worse than ever, and something snapped. He had me pinned against the kitchen counter.
I pulled an arm free and reached behind me. The cast iron skillet was there. I grabbed it and banged him over the head. He went down like a sack of bricks. I thought I killed him. Part of me hoped I had.”

  “Way to go, Grace!” Alec said softly.

  “I make it sound like I was strong, but I was terrified and pretty beat up. I took Danny’s emergency cash from behind the toilet tank, grabbed my few possessions, and got a taxi to the bus station. After I bought a ticket, I walked to the back of the bus and curled up on a seat. The other passengers stared, but no one offered to help. I leaned my bruised and bloodied forehead against the cool glass and let the darkness swallow me whole. It was the darkest and brightest moment of my life. I was free, but I had no idea how I’d survive.”

  Instinctively, my hand went to the scars on my face. While I stroked them, I closed my eyes, and the memories washed over me. I became that scared and battered young wife on the bus. When I opened my eyes, I searched my surroundings and remembered that I’d overcome all that. Even if I hadn’t always done it right, I had conquered. Nothing would ever be as bad as that was.

  “When I got to Richmond, I called Andrew, and he came to my rescue. He got me settled and helped me get my GED. He even insisted on paying for nursing school. Without him, I wouldn’t have survived. Now you understand why I owe him everything. Losing him was devastating, but that was also when you and Johnny came into my life. I’ve wondered if he had something to do with that. Anyway, that’s my story. You know the rest.”

  Alec stared at me like she was seeing me for the first time. I gave her a weak smile and squeezed her shoulder.

  “You’re an extraordinary woman,” Adam said. “Most people wouldn’t have survived that, let alone thrived like you have.”

  Alec sat up and said, “He’s right. You’re amazing. I would have crawled in a hole and waited for death. Compared to yours, my life feels frivolous and self-absorbed. I’m embarrassed for going on about myself that first time we had dinner.”