We had decided to stay in for dinner that night. We stopped at the market to buy the ingredients on our way back from the hospital. It felt nice to do something ordinary with Jay for once. After he gave me a tour of the house, we went to the kitchen to fix our meal.
I was chopping onions when I looked up to see Jay staring at me. “What’s wrong? Am I not doing this right? I told you I’m not the best cook.” Without a word, he set my knife on the counter and took my hands. “Now you’ll smell like onions too.”
“I think I’m in love with you,” he said. I was glad he had my hands, or I would have fallen over. “Did I upset you? All the color drained out of your face.”
“No. I’m glad, but you caught me off guard. I’m in love with you too,” I said.
He smiled and pulled me closer. “I wasn’t sure until I saw you cutting those onions. I love everything you do. There’s something magnetic about you that I can’t resist. I felt it the first time I saw you.”
He kissed me deeply in a way he never had. I pulled away to catch my breath and pressed my cheek against his chest. “I feel the same way about you. I’ve never reacted the way I do with you to anyone else. You have me in your spell.”
“Let’s skip dinner. I don’t want to let go of you,” he said. He squeezed me tighter.
I pulled free of his arms and said, “It’s almost ready, and I’m hungry. Besides, we have the whole evening together.”
He kissed me again and handed me the knife. “Fine. I’ll have to satisfy myself with watching you slice onions.”
“I love you,” I said and winked at him.
While we finished cooking and eating our dinner, I tried not to think about the complications that might arise with this new level in our relationship. I savored my good fortune of having a man like Jay Morgan to love me and planned to make the most of it while it lasted.
I hurried to the hospital the next morning to tell Johnny what had happened and to ease my guilt for neglecting him to spend so much time with Jay. As I approached his room, I hoped that it would be the day Johnny regained consciousness, as the last puzzle piece to my new happiness. I found him unconscious like the day before and every day before that. To keep from getting discouraged, I massaged Johnny’s legs and told him my news.
Jay came in smiling an hour later. He kissed me and said, “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since last night. It’s making it hard to do my work. What have you done to me?”
“I could ask the same question. I love you,” I said. “That feels great to say.”
“Love you too. Now we better get back to work. I have news for you. It’s not much, and I don’t want to get your hopes up, but look at Johnny’s latest EEG and MRI.”
He held up his tablet so that I could read the screen. Both results showed slightly improved brain activity. It wasn’t much, but it was the first sign of improvement Johnny had shown.
“Is this happening on its own or as a result of something you’re doing?” I asked without taking my eyes from the screen.
“Both, I think, even though we haven’t done much. There isn’t much we can do, as you know. If this is true recovery, I would expect steady progress from here. It may just be an anomaly. I’ll be watching closely in the next few days.”
I hugged Jay. “This news comes at the perfect time. I knew he’d start getting better eventually.”
Jay gently pushed me away and said, “Hang on before you get too excited. I just said it may be an anomaly. This is why I hesitated to show you the results. You have a blind spot when it comes to Johnny.”
“Maybe, but what’s the harm? He needs someone fighting for him. He can’t do it himself, so why not me?” I asked. If it had been any other day, Jay’s comment would have offended me, but I knew he loved me and was probably concerned about me. I shook it off and smiled. “It doesn’t matter if I have a blind spot or not. Johnny will recover, or he won’t. How we feel about it makes no difference.”
“True. Now, I have to go back to work, my beautiful girl. I won’t be able to see you tonight. I have meetings.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll stay here and read. We’ll have the whole weekend, right?” I said. I was bothered and a little confused by my relief to have time away from Jay. I decided to think about that later and gave him a lingering kiss. “See you in the morning.”
“You can count on it,” he said and left.
Johnny’s brain activity showed a slight improvement two more times, but then the progress stopped. No one could figure it out, not even Jay. My frustration grew along with my determination. My gut told me Johnny just needed more time, and all I could do was hope that Jay would be willing to give him that.
Chapter Eleven
Jay and I were snuggling on his den sofa one night after we’d been dating for over two months. The den was the one room in Jay’s house I liked. It was intimate and cozy. I was at ease there. We’d ordered one of my favorite romantic comedies on pay-per-view but missed most of it. I nestled closer to Jay and kissed his cheek. He leaned in and brushed his lips on my neck the way I loved. As he kissed me, he moved his hand to the front of my blouse and started to unbutton it. He slipped his hand in the opening and caressed my skin. I shivered at his touch.
“Grace, stay here with me,” he whispered. “It would be so much easier. Let’s move your things over in the morning.”
He shifted his weight so that he was partially on top of me. His words and the movement startled me back to my senses. Had he just asked me to move in with him? Fiery panic welled up in my gut.
“No, stop it, Danny!” I struggled out from under him and moved to the opposite side of the room. I turned away to button my blouse.
Jay groaned behind me. “Who’s Danny?” he asked.
“What?” I asked, turning to face him.
“You called me Danny. Who’s that? One of your former lovers?” He sounded as confused as I felt.
“I called you Danny?” I asked, not able to believe what he was saying. I’d never told him Danny’s name. How else could he have known? “I’m sorry, Jay. I don’t know why I said that. Danny is my ex-husband.”
“Ex-husband? What’s going on, Grace?”
I hesitated, not knowing what to say. The truth would mean telling my whole story. I only had seconds to decide. To stall I said, “I panicked when you asked me to move in with you. You did ask me to move in, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did. Is the idea so terrifying that it calls up your ex and sends you scurrying away? I’ll ask one more time: What’s going on?”
It sounded more like a command than a question, but I did owe him an explanation. I sighed in resignation and sat down, still shocked at what I’d done. Without looking at Jay, I said, “I’ve opened up with you about most of my past, but some things were too painful to tell. You won’t love me the same if I tell you, and I don’t want you to pity me.”
“You told me about your father. How much worse can it be?”
“Worse.” I stopped, needing to breathe before I bared my soul to him. “Danny raped me on prom night. I was only sixteen. When I got pregnant, our families forced us to marry. I miscarried one week after our hurried wedding. Four years of beatings and miscarriages followed before I got away. Since I escaped him, I’ve isolated myself from intimate relationships. You’re the only man I’ve been with other than Danny, and I left him over twenty years ago. I never expected to fall in love with anyone. I never knew what love was until I became involved with you, but this is happening so fast.”
Jay pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “I’m sick at the thought of anyone hurting you. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. Danny’s lucky he’s not here.”
I sat up and faced him. “See, you’re pitying me. It was twenty years ago. I would have said I was over it until I called you Danny. I rarely think about it now.”
“I wish you’d told me sooner. I would have respected your feelings. I’m not Danny,” he said.
I relaxed against him. “I know. I thought I had everything under control. That was my first mistake. I was planning to tell you if our relationship got serious. I do feel better now that it’s out there though.”
Jay lifted my face to his and kissed me again. He pulled back after a few seconds, and said, “I’m glad you feel better, and I promise I won’t pity you. You’re too strong for that. Now, to change the subject, I noticed that in spite of what just happened, you still haven’t answered me.”
I looked him in the eye. “You always tell me how much you admire my honesty, so here’s the truth: after what happened with Danny, I promised myself that I’d never live with a man unless we were married. Any man who truly loved me would have to be willing to make that commitment. I know it’s an old-fashioned concept, but it’s non-negotiable with me.”
Jay didn’t say anything after my big speech. I was afraid to look at him, figuring he was trying to decide if I was worth the trouble.
“Then marry me,” he said simply, like he was commenting on the weather.
I kept my eyes locked on his, but before I could think of what to say, I started to giggle.
Jay pulled away and crossed his arms. “Not the reaction I’d hoped for,” he said.
“You caught me off guard. I was expecting you to break up with me.” I fell against the sofa and started laughing again. It was one of those nervous laughs, the kind not far removed from crying. When I almost had control, Jay scowled, and that set me off again. I finally sat up and took a long drink of water, hoping it would help me get a grip.
Jay shook his head and said, “Who else but Grace Ward would laugh at a marriage proposal? And why would you think I was breaking up with you?”
I swallowed my last sip and said, “Regretting you asked me yet?”
He shook his head again.
I took his hand and squeezed it between my hands. “I was afraid you’d think I wasn’t worth it with all my baggage. But you need to know that I wasn’t fishing for a proposal. I just wanted to help you understand why I can’t move in with you.”
“I didn’t propose because of what you said. I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks. I was waiting for the right time. I guess this wasn’t it,” Jay said and rubbed his forehead.
“No, I guess not.” I took three deep breaths to keep from laughing again. “You know how much I love you, but it’s only been two and a half months. That’s too soon to be considering marriage.”
“According to whom? At my age, I don’t need a year or even a month to know. When I want something, I go for it. You know that. I’ve never felt this way for anyone either, not even my ex-wife. Johnny’s study is almost over. He’ll be going back to Richmond. I’m not letting you get away, Grace Ward.”
“You’re serious about this?” I asked.
“Yes, believe me. Do I have any chance, or is it hopeless?”
“I don’t know. There’s a lot to consider. How can I just pick up my life and move here? What about my job? What about Johnny?” I got up and started pacing. The thought of moving to Baltimore permanently seemed too overwhelming to imagine.
“What’s Johnny got to do with this?” he asked.
“Johnny has a great deal to do with this. I’m not going to just abandon him. I haven’t changed my mind about adopting him.”
Jay sat forward with his shoulders hunched, staring at the floor. “There’s next to no chance of him surviving, let alone regaining consciousness. When are you going to accept that? It’s time to prepare for the worst.”
I stared at him without speaking. What he said about Johnny was the last thing I needed to hear. I’d had enough emotional upheaval for one day.
Jay lifted his head. “I know that look. I think I’ve lost this round.”
“I need time to think. It’s late, and I want to decide with the right body part too. I should go.”
Jay kissed me again. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll take you home, but don’t take too long to make up your mind. I’m ready to wake up next to you for the rest of my life.”
I called Alec early the next morning to catch her before she left for work. “Hi, Alec, it’s Grace,” I said when she answered.
“I’m so relieved. I was starting to get worried. Didn’t you get my messages?”
“I did. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I’ve been busy.”
“Work or pleasure?”
“Both, but maybe a little more of the latter.”
“I’m glad to hear it. How’s the fabulous Dr. Jay?” Alec said, teasing me.
“I wish you wouldn’t call him that,” I said. “He’s fine. In fact, he’s the reason I’m calling. I need to talk to you, but not over the phone.”
“Sounds serious. Is everything okay?” she asked.
“Everything’s fine, but I need to use you as a sounding board. I know it’s short notice, but can you drive up today and spend the weekend? I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important.”
“I can. In fact, this is the perfect weekend for me to go. Adam’s going to Denver for a few days on family business. I was just going to hang out here. I’ll leave after work.”
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. See you tonight.”
With that settled, I got dressed to go to the hospital. Jay had promised to keep his distance for a few days. Knowing his schedule and that he would have already finished rounds, I planned to go visit Johnny. I wanted nothing more than to be near Jay, but my ability to think rationally shrunk in proportion to my proximity to him. Alec had no idea how much I needed her to keep me in line.
I met Alec at the door with a hug. We hadn’t seen each other in several weeks, and it was a relief to see her standing in my doorway. “I was getting worried,” I said. “Why are you so late?”
“The traffic was terrible. I’d forgotten how bad I-95 is on Fridays. I’m glad I made it. I hope you didn’t wait for me to get dinner. I ate on the way.”
“No, I had a sandwich in Johnny’s room earlier,” I said.
She took my hands and stepped back. “You look great. I’m loving the new outfit and hairdo. Now that the small talk’s out of the way, what’s going on?”
We were still in the doorway, so I took Alec’s suitcase and motioned her toward the sofa. I sat on the loveseat facing her. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s been awful not having anyone to talk to.”
“I’ve been dying of curiosity. You were so cryptic on the phone,” Alec said and leaned back, looking like a psychiatrist waiting for me to spill. All she needed was a notepad.
I smiled at her, relieved she was there. Alec was the one person in the world who understood me.
“Well, as you know, Jay and I have been seeing each other since about a week after I got here,” I said. “I couldn’t resist him. Isn’t he gorgeous?” I’d texted her a picture the week before. “He’s everything I used to wish for in a man.”
“Yes, very distinguished. A little out of my age bracket though,” Alec said.
“It was all so out of the blue. The last thing on my mind when I came here was that I’d become involved with a man. My better judgment screamed against it too, but my heart wouldn’t listen,” I said.
“That’s like what happened with Adam and me. I sure wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him.”
I nodded, remembering how hard she’d fought her feelings for Adam. “It’s too bad we can’t plan who we fall in love with or when. It sure would have saved me years of anguish.”
“Fall in love with? You’re in love with Jay?” Alec asked, and sat forward on the edge of the couch.
I nodded and looked away in embarrassment.
“This is great. I thought your relationship was casual. I had no idea you were in love with him. When did this happen?
“About five seconds after I met him,” I said. “I kept it from you because I just planned to enjoy it while it lasted and then walk away. That’s not an option anymore. He’s asked me to stay and marry him.”
She came and sat next to me. “Marry him? You’re kidding. What did you say?”
“I haven’t answered yet. There’s more to it than a simple proposal. There’s Johnny to consider. He’s supposed to go back to Richmond in a few weeks. That’s why I needed to talk to you. Tell me what to do, Alec. Should I stay here with the man I love in a secure and promising life, or should I go back to Richmond for the child I love and want to raise? There are so many uncertainties if I go, but Johnny is a part of me. I can’t abandon him now.”
She squeezed my hand and said, “Why didn’t you tell me all of this sooner? I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.”
“Everything spun out of control before I knew what was happening.”
Alec sat back and pulled her hair back like she always did when she was concentrating. It was good to see some things hadn’t changed. “I know it’s probably pointless to ask, but is there any chance of Jay transferring to Richmond?”
“And give up a top position at one of the premier hospitals in the world? Not a chance. He’s worked for years to get where he is. Leaving here is out of the question, and I wouldn’t ask him to. His daughters are here too.”
Alec turned to face me. “Can’t you go back to Richmond until the adoption is final, and then bring Johnny here? Would Jay wait for you?”
I got up and started pacing. I didn’t want to tell her that Jay thought my plan to adopt Johnny was crazy, even though she’d once felt the same way. I was still hoping to change his mind as I had with her. Instead, I said, “If I’m able to adopt Johnny, it could take several months to a year. I don’t want to be pulled between Johnny and Jay all the time. This is going to be hard enough without having my heart torn in two. Why isn’t anything ever easy for me?”
Arms of Grace Page 13
