Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

  “Being in love doesn’t always hurt, you know. What does Jay think about your plans for Johnny?”

  I walked to the kitchenette and started unloading the dishwasher to stall. It was clear from the look on Alec’s face that she knew exactly what I was doing. I loaded the last mug and said, “He admires my devotion but believes I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. He knows more about Johnny’s condition than anyone, but he still can’t give me any definitive answers.” I was sugarcoating it, but I didn’t want to lie to her. “It seems one week things are good, and the next, they’re hopeless. I can hardly keep up with it. It’s so frustrating. He says I should forget about Johnny until, or if, he comes out of the coma. He doesn’t think that’s going to happen though.”

  “I remember six weeks ago he was saying there was a possibility for Johnny to regain consciousness. What happened to change his mind?”

  I sat down and stared at my feet. “I don’t want to talk about Johnny right now,” I said softly. “I need you to help me figure out what to do about Jay.”

  She took a deep breath and said, “You know how I feel about Johnny, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but after all the loss and pain you’ve suffered, don’t you deserve to think of your own happiness for once? Adam and I can look after Johnny. If he regains consciousness, you can come to Richmond and start the adoption process. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’d miss you so much, but it would make me happier than anything to see you have the love you deserve.”

  I nodded. “I’ve told myself the same thing a hundred times, but the honest truth is that I can’t leave Johnny. I was miserable when we were only apart for a few days. Besides, you and Adam have your own lives. You didn’t sign on to take care of Johnny. It wouldn’t be fair. I’ve taken on that responsibility. It comes down to a question of who needs me more, Johnny or Jay. The answer to that is clear.”

  “What about what Grace needs?” she asked.

  “I don’t have the luxury to be that selfish,” I said.

  “Selfish? No one would call marrying the man you love selfish, but I get it. Don’t count Jay out yet. You don’t have to break it off with him when you go. Richmond is only three hours away. I can’t stand the idea of you giving up the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I know what it’s like to fall in love with the perfect man.”

  “I do love him, but he’s not the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a great life in Richmond. I have Adam and you and Johnny. I know it’s not the same thing, but until I met Jay, I was content. He isn’t going anywhere. If it’s meant to happen, it will.”

  “Not many women in this world would pass up a man like Jay,” she said and shook her head.

  I agreed with her but couldn’t see a way to have the best of both worlds. “Don’t make me into a saint. Just because I know this is the right choice doesn’t mean it’s easy. I don’t want to live without Jay, but if he can’t accept that Johnny is an important part of my life, then maybe there’s no room for him. I haven’t given up though. He’s a father. Maybe he’ll understand.”

  “I don’t know the guy, so I can’t say, but for your sake, I hope he does. When are you going to tell him?” she asked.

  I sighed and said, “On Monday. He gave me the weekend to think it over.”

  “You’d better be on that phone to me the minute it’s done,” Alec said.

  “I promise,” I said and got up again. “Let’s forget about this for now and make plans for our weekend. We’ll start by going to see Johnny in the morning if that’s all right with you.”

  “I’d love to see him. I’d better get to bed now, though, or I won’t be able to get up before noon.”

  We made up my sofa with extra sheets and blankets that Alec had brought, and then we both got ready for bad. Alec was asleep two minutes after she turned off her light, but I was wide awake. My conversation with her had left me with more questions than answers. I stewed over it for three hours until an idea struck me. I kicked myself for not having thought of it sooner. I decided not to tell Alec. I wanted to see what Jay thought first. Satisfied with my solution, I turned out the light and went to sleep.

  Wanting to be on neutral ground, I asked Jay to meet me at the park near the hospital. It was a frigid April day. The sky was gray, and a crisp breeze was blowing. I pulled my jacket around my neck and looked around, hoping we’d be alone. I got there before Jay, so I walked along the trail and practiced the speech I’d gone over a thousand times. When it was time, I went to our favorite bench to wait. Jay, who was punctual to a fault, appeared right on time. He took my hand to help me up and enveloped me in his arms. My determination melted at the feel of him. I longed to tell him I’d never let him go, but he pulled away and led me to the bench.

  “That’s promising,” he said and kissed me. “These past few days have been torture. Please tell me you have an answer.”

  My brain turned to mush, and the words of my speech vanished. I looked into his eyes and said, “Yes, I’ll marry you, Jay.”

  He smiled, and his joy shone in his eyes. He kissed me again, but I pulled away.

  When I could get my mouth to form the words, I said, “But I have some conditions.”

  Jay groaned and sat back. “Not conditions,” he said. “Is this about Johnny? You know how I feel about that, but—”

  “Just listen.” Regaining control of my senses, I took a few breaths and said, “I’m confused about what you told me about him. Not long ago you were encouraged by his progress. Now all of a sudden, you’re convinced there’s no hope for him?”

  “It’s not all of a sudden. I’ve been telling you all along, but you refused to listen. I hope you’re listening now. I’m going to recommend removal from life support for Johnny.” His tone became more tense and accusatory with each word. I backed away out of instinct.

  I hardly recognized the face staring back at me. He’d become a stranger who was going to sign Johnny’s death warrant. I wanted to shake him and beg him to reconsider, but I knew it was pointless.

  “The fact that you still want to adopt Johnny makes me rethink everything I know about you. I get that he’s an abandoned orphan who fell in your lap, but I thought you’d get over this little fantasy of playing house with Johnny by now. If you want to be a mother, go find a kid who’s not brain-dead.” Having put the final nail in his argument, he sat back and crossed his arms over his chest.

  I stood and squared my shoulders. “Then I guess it’s for the best that you proposed when you did. Our masks are off, and we see each other for who we truly are. You’ve saved me from a terrible mistake.”

  Jay stood and faced me. “You’re right. It is for the best. I used to think you were so smart. You’re nothing but a fool.” He glared at me and stalked off without looking back.

  I dropped to my knees in the middle of the park and sobbed, not caring who saw me. Jay had crushed all my dreams for a happy family with one masterstroke.

  I walked around for two hours but finally got so cold that I made my way back to my apartment. I’d known since I met with Jay that he might reject my idea, but I never imagined he’d try to destroy me. I dialed Alec’s number knowing she must be dying to hear from me. I drummed my fingers on the table while I waited for her to answer.

  “Hello?” Alec said, stifling a yawn.

  “It’s me. I’m sorry to call so late,” I said.

  “My shift was grueling today, and I just got out of the bath. What’s wrong? You sound terrible,” she said. It was comforting to hear the concern in her voice.

  “I am terrible. It didn’t go well with Jay. In fact, it was worse than I could have imagined.” Tears threatened again, but I fought them off.

  “What happened? I thought you were going to say yes,” she said.

  “I did, but I told him it was on the condition that he accept my plan to adopt Johnny. He went ballistic and called me a fool for having any hope for Johnny.”

  “Ouch,” Alec said. “That must have been d
evastating.”

  That’s putting it mildly, I thought. “It’s worse than when Johnny got sick during the quarantine. Worse than my suspension. I wish I were there with you. I want to come home.” I started crying, too exhausted to hold back.

  “I wish you were too. You’ll be here soon.” The line went quiet, and I thought we’d lost the connection. Then I heard what sounded like blankets rustling. “Sorry. I was getting comfortable,” she said. “Honestly, none of this makes sense to me. If Jay thinks there’s no hope for Johnny, why would that stop him from marrying you? If he’s right, it’ll be a moot point. If you’re right, then Johnny will get better, and you go on from there. It’s not as though your situation with Johnny was a secret. He’s known from the beginning.”

  I blew my nose and grabbed a clean tissue. “It doesn’t make sense to me either. You should have seen him. He was furious. I’m still not sure how it all went so wrong. All I can think is that he never really loved me.”

  “See, that doesn’t make sense either,” she said. “Why did he propose? Why wasn’t he willing to wait to see what happened with Johnny first?”

  “I haven’t told you everything. Jay is going to recommend removing Johnny from life support.”

  The line went quiet again, but I knew she was probably digesting what I’d said.

  “I don’t even know what to say to that,” she said. “For some reason, I can’t get rid of the feeling that there’s something deeper going on. Aside from what’s happening between the two of you, I find it hard to believe that any physician, no matter how revered, can say unequivocally that there’s no hope for Johnny. Do you have access to all the records?”

  “Yes,” I said, not sure what she was getting at. “Jay’s been giving me copies of everything. I don’t have his final report, but I’m not sure it’s even finished yet.”

  “Compile everything you have from the day Johnny got to Baltimore. Speak with some of the other researchers. I know that this is Jay’s project, but maybe someone else has a different opinion.”

  “What good will that do?” I asked. My head was pounding from all the crying. The idea of doing what Alec suggested seemed overwhelming. I just wanted to take a pain reliever and forget the day had ever happened.

  “Hear me out,” she said. “Maybe you’ll come across some info that will explain Jay’s behavior. At the least, it might help you learn why Jay reacted the way he did. If he’s right, it might help prepare you for the worst too.”

  She had a good point. Doing what Alec said might help me make sense of everything. “I’ll think about it,” I said.

  “I hate to bring up another stinky subject, but have you thought of how Kinsley will react if Jay files a report recommending removing life support? Kinsley wouldn’t hesitate for a second.”

  I groaned and said, “Not until now, thank you very much.”

  “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I guess that’s a little too much after the day you’ve had.” When I didn’t respond, she said, “Take a hot bath and get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning when we both have clearer heads.”

  “Don’t worry about upsetting me. I count on your honesty, even if you’re telling me what I don’t want to hear. Thanks for listening and trying to help.”

  “I’ve always got your back.”

  Even after a long bath, I couldn’t asleep. What Alec had said was true. Jay had been encouraged by the early test results. If he’d discovered something recently, he hadn’t shared it with me. I wondered if he had been protecting me, but I wasn’t some naïve child. Then again, I realized that maybe he had tried to tell me, and I wouldn’t listen. The more I tried to make sense of Jay’s behavior, the more confused I got.

  After two agonizing hours, I decided to do what I’d done the day after Johnny came into my life. I went to him. As soon as I saw my sweet boy lying peacefully in his crib, my thoughts cleared, and I knew what I had to do. I brushed my finger against his palm, and he squeezed. “That’s right, Johnny. Keep fighting. Help me prove Jay wrong.”

  I waited for Jay in his office three days later. He’d texted me several times and left voice messages, but I’d ignored them. There was nothing he could say to take back what he’d done. I was there for Johnny, nothing more. I held the draft of his final report along with an inch-thick file in a manila folder. I’d listened to Alec for once and had used the time to study Johnny’s medical records from Jay’s study as well as similar cases. I also spoke with some of the nurses and researchers. They were reluctant to talk to me, but when I told them I was only trying to educate myself about patients like Johnny, they cooperated. I compiled my conclusions and waited to confront Jay with the results.

  Jay stopped in the doorway when he saw me but then came right for me. He took the folder from my hands without a word and set it on the desk. Then he took my hands to help me up and pulled me into his arms. He caught me off guard, and before I could resist, he lifted my chin to kiss me. His lips were warm and inviting. I’d been so engrossed in my research that I hadn’t realized how much I missed him. I forgot why I came to see him. I forgot Johnny and the rest of the world. All I knew was the comfort of being in his arms.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said and brushed his lips on my neck. “Please say you’re here to say you’ve changed your mind.”

  His words brought me back to my senses. I struggled free and grabbed the back of the chair for support.

  He stepped forward, but I held up my hand to stop him. “No, Jay, please don’t,” I said.

  “What’s going on, Grace?” he asked, the hurt and confusion clear in his eyes.

  That got me fired up. He had no right to be hurt. I was the injured party. I wasn’t his victim though. My days of being a victim were over. I picked up the file and sat down.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have allowed that,” I said and straightened my blouse. “Nothing’s changed. I came here to talk about Johnny’s case before I go back to Richmond.”

  “If nothing’s changed, why didn’t you stop me? What are you trying to do to me, you vixen?”

  “So what am I, then, Jay? A fool or a vixen?”

  He flinched, and I savored the moment, knowing I’d gained some ground. Dealing with Jay reminded me of my bouts with Kinsley, without the kissing part, of course.

  “Please sit down and stop glaring at me,” I said. “I’m here about Johnny’s case.”

  He stared at me for a few more seconds before saying, “Why haven’t you returned my calls?” Without waiting for an answer, he walked around his huge mahogany desk and dropped into his leather chair. “I’ve been trying to apologize. I don’t know what came over me in the park. You know that wasn’t the real me. I was just so hurt. Please forgive me, Grace.”

  “You were hurt? I didn’t do anything. That was all on you.” Talking about our encounter in the park brought it all back, and my burst of courage fizzled slightly. I reminded myself that I was there for Johnny, not myself. I sat up straighter and said, “You may feel bad about what you did, but the fact that you could treat me that way is all I need to know. You destroyed any chance of a future for us. I may forgive you in time, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever want a life with you.”

  “Fine,” he said. “If you’re incapable of forgiveness, so be it. I’m not going to beg. Now, what’s all this about Johnny’s case?” His eyes became guarded, and he sat back with his arms crossed.

  Determined not to let him intimidate me, I said, “I’ve been going over all the test results and reports from Johnny’s study, as well as other recent studies. I’ve also read the draft of your conclusions. I’m hoping to convince you to reevaluate your conclusions before you submit your report. I found discrepancies.”

  “Are you telling me that because you’ve read a few test results and some medical records, you think you know more about Johnny’s case than I do? You’re just a nurse. I’ve devoted weeks to this study. There aren’t discrepancies. You just can’t bring yourself to accept reality,” he sai
d.

  “I may not be a doctor, but you always told me how intelligent I am. I understand the implications, but I know Johnny. I expected the documentation to prove you right, but it didn’t. All I’m asking is that you look at my findings. If you don’t think they have merit, show me why. Then you can toss the file if you want. Otherwise, I intend to dispute your final report.”

  “Can you honestly believe I would publish a flawed report? I wouldn’t risk my career or a child’s life.”

  I looked down and rubbed my forehead with my fingers. I tried to make sense of how just days before we were talking about marriage, and now we were arguing across his desk as enemies. I looked him in the eye. “After the other day, I’m not sure what you’re capable of, but what do you have to lose by reading my findings? If you’re afraid of a mere nurse showing you up, you don’t need to worry. No one else knows about this. You can tell people that on the final evaluation, you found new information. You’ll be praised for preventing a medical tragedy.”

  “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. I’m looking at a stranger. I still love you, even now. I thought you loved me too. What’s happened to you?”

  I stood and dropped the file on Jay’s desk. “You happened to me, Jay, but this has nothing to do with us. What are you going to do about Johnny’s case?”

  “It’s a waste of time, but out of my love for you, I’ll look at the file. I’m busy so it might take a few days to get to it. Then we’ll meet and talk about Johnny’s case and what’s going to happen between us before you leave.”

  “Thank you. That means a great deal to me. Call me after you’ve read my findings, and we’ll talk—about everything.” I walked out without looking back. I’d won round one, but I knew I had a long way to go. I prayed for the strength to go the distance.

  I waited for Jay’s call for three days. After breakfast on the fourth day, I went to see Johnny before going to find Jay. I was lost in thought as I opened Johnny’s door. It took a few seconds to register that he wasn’t there. His crib was empty and freshly made. All the decorations and other items I’d placed in his room were in a box on the table. I ran to the nurses’ station to find out what was going on. No one would look me in the eye.