“I couldn’t do that, ma’am. There’s nothing in this world so terrible to be worth taking your life,” he said as he put a butterfly bandage on my arm.
“Trust me. There are plenty of things terrible enough. You’d know that if you’d lived my life.” I wiped my tears with my other arm.
“I don’t know your life, but I do know life. I don’t live in a vacuum. Tell me what brought you to the edge of that boulder. Help me understand. Maybe I can help.” He stopped working on my arm and looked into my eyes with genuine concern.
I shook my head and said, “No one can help. It’s too late. The child I love is going to be killed because small, ruthless cowards want him to die, and I’m powerless to stop it.”
“He’s going to be murdered? Can’t we call the police?” Ryan pulled his phone from his pocket.
I pushed his hand down and said, “Have you heard of the boy in a coma that they want to take off life support?”
He nodded. “I’ve heard the story on the news.” He studied my face. “Now I know why you look familiar. You’re the woman trying to adopt him. I heard on the news that he’s been declared brain-dead.”
“That’s a lie!” I cried, and Ryan backed away from the force of my reaction. “I’m sorry. I’m not exactly myself today,” I said. “The boy is starting to regain consciousness and respond to the world around him. For reasons that would take too long to explain, the doctor who was going to testify to that at the hearing ran off today. No one knows where he is.”
“This is a tragic situation, and I’m sure you care for the boy, but I still don’t see why you’re here. Why aren’t you with him? He needs you in the time he has left.” He took my arm and gently taped gauze over the bandage.
“There are others to take care of him. I can’t stand by and watch him die of thirst or starvation. Once he’s gone, I’ll have nothing to live for.” I looked down at my vomit- and blood-stained shoes and wondered why I was telling a stranger my deepest feelings.
“That can’t be true,” he said. “You must have friends and family who care for you and who need you.”
“I don’t have much family and just a few friends. They’d hardly notice I was gone.” I knew it wasn’t true as soon as I said it, but I felt I had to justify my behavior.
“I’m sure you’re wrong. Anyone who would do what you’ve done for this boy must be pretty incredible. I don’t think I’d have done it. It took enormous courage and selflessness. I’m sure you’re worth much more than you give yourself credit for.”
Without looking up, I said, “My life has been a long chain of unending tragedy. I’m too tired to do it anymore. Life is nothing but grief and pain. Please, go away, and leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to do that, and I don’t think you’re big enough to fight me off.”
I looked up at Ryan.
He nodded and finished bandaging my arm. When he was done, he put his hand on my shoulder. “What’s your name?”
“Grace,” I said, avoiding his eyes.
“Beautiful and timely name. It’s an honor to meet you, Grace. I’m determined to help you. Please, don’t push me away.”
“I already told you, it’s too late.” My tears threatened again.
“Maybe it’s too late for the child,” Ryan said, “but not for you. Do you think it’s a coincidence that I found you when I did?”
“Yes, I do,” I said without hesitating. “Why? Do you think some ‘higher power’ led you here?”
“That’s exactly what I think. I didn’t plan to check this part of the river today, but a little voice in my head kept nagging at me to come here. As soon as I saw your car, I had a feeling someone was in trouble. I didn’t know what to expect, but I had to find out. The voice prodded me on until I found you. Didn’t you hear me call out to you?”
“I thought I heard something, but I couldn’t see you,” I said, wondering who this man was to say such things.
“I would’ve been too late if you hadn’t turned toward the sound. I almost didn’t make it as it was. Something guided me to you.”
“Maybe you just got lucky,” I said and backed away, not wanting to hear more.
“Grace, stop. I need to get you out of here. You’re shivering and need to see a doctor. Will you take me to meet Johnny?”
“I can’t,” I said and started to move away again. “I’m not as strong and brave as you think. It would kill me to see him.”
“No, it won’t,” he said, following me. “Look, I’ll follow you to the hospital in my truck, and we’ll go see Johnny. We’ll stop by the ER afterward. I’m not going to leave you here, so you don’t have a choice.”
He extended his hand. I took it reluctantly. He took me to the parking lot on his four-wheeler and gave me directions to where he’d parked his truck. I climbed in my car, not sure why I’d agreed to go with him. The radio was still on when I started the car. The newscaster was repeating the story about Johnny. I was about to turn it off when the newscaster said, “We’re transferring you now to a live statement from a hospital-administration official.”
There was a second of silence before Kinsley began speaking. “We strive in every way to dedicate our resources to saving lives. On rare occasions, in spite of our best efforts, that isn’t possible. Such is the case with Baby John Doe, affectionately known to us here as Johnny. As many of you know, he was abandoned in our emergency room several months ago in a vegetative state. He hasn’t shown any improvement since that time. After repeated tests and examinations by some of the country’s top physicians, the court has approved a petition by the Department of Social Services to remove Johnny from life support. We’re deeply saddened to have to take this action, but we know it is in the child’s best interests. We plan to cooperate fully.”
“How can you live with yourself?” I said and switched it off. I drove to the hospital on autopilot. An hour earlier, I thought I’d be gone and never see Johnny again. Six hours before that, I couldn’t wait to see him. Now Ryan had to force me to go back. I’d do what Ryan wanted, but time beyond that was black nothingness. I’d reverted to the battered young wife, traveling on a bus to Richmond.
I pulled into the parking garage and waited for Ryan to join me. News crews and curious spectators were crowded together behind a yellow-tape barrier at the main hospital entrance. Vultures, I thought, sickened by the sight of them waiting for Johnny to die.
I got out of the car and walked toward Ryan’s truck. He climbed out and motioned for me to lead the way. When we got within fifteen yards, I grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. “I can’t do it,” I said. “I have to get out of here.”
Ryan gently took my shoulders and turned me to face him. “We don’t have to go in this way. Isn’t there a staff entrance? Can you get someone to let us in?”
“I have an ID badge.” I took it out of my purse and held it up to show him. “I work here, or at least I think I still work here. I’m not even sure what day this is.”
“Show me where we need to go,” he said and nudged me forward. “We need to find out what’s happening.”
“I know exactly what’s happening. These ghouls are here to watch Johnny die.”
“We don’t know if this has anything to do with Johnny. The sooner we go in, the sooner it’ll be over.”
I allowed Ryan to push me gently ahead and started for the staff parking lot. I walked with my head down, concentrating on making my feet move. Five minutes later, we were inside, and I ran for the elevator. I sighed when the doors slid shut, leaving us in silence. I closed my eyes and leaned against the cold metal wall, trying to calm my pounding heart. Ryan patted my arm but stayed quiet.
A quiet beep sounded when we reached our floor. I stayed frozen against the elevator wall. Ryan held the door open and tried to coax me out. “You’re almost there, Grace. You’re going to see Johnny, your boy. He’s waiting. Just a few more feet.”
Hearing Johnny’s name calmed me and gave me the courage to step into the hal
lway. Johnny had given me so much. I owed him my love and caring. I straightened to my full five foot one inch and stepped resolutely into the hallway.
As I led Ryan to Johnny’s room, we approached a small group crowded around the nurses’ station. Alec broke from the group when she saw me. She stopped a hug in midair when she saw my bandaged arm and torn, dirty clothing.
“What happened to you? Were you in an accident?” she asked, taking my hands.
“Something like that,” I said. “I’ll explain later. Why is everyone standing around out here? How’s Johnny? Did they already remove his feeding tube?”
Her eyes glistened at the mention of Johnny’s name. “No, not yet, but he’s the same. Paul says it’ll take a day or two for the paperwork to be processed. We came here to give Johnny, and one another, moral support. It’s not working. I feel worse. Why weren’t you at the hearing? I’ve imagined—dead in a ditch.”
You weren’t far off, I thought.
Ryan cleared his throat and said, “I think it’s time I got going. Thanks for bringing me here, Grace.”
“Oh, no you don’t,” I said and took his elbow. “You’re not going anywhere until you’ve seen Johnny.” As we passed Alec, I said, “This is Ryan—uh, I’m sorry. I don’t know your last name.”
“Walker,” Ryan said.
“Ryan Walker. He’s the angel who saved my life today,” I said.
“I was just doing my job. It was my privilege to help,” he said.
“It looks like we’re all in your debt, Ryan,” Adam said, coming forward and shaking his hand. He glanced at me with raised eyebrows. “I look forward to hearing this story.”
“That’ll have to wait,” I said and pushed Adam out of the way. I was afraid Ryan might tell them more than I wanted them to know, and I was anxious to see Johnny and get it over with. “Ryan came here to meet Johnny, so that’s what we’re going to do.” I took his elbow again and pulled him down the corridor.
The instant I saw Johnny lying helpless in his crib, my resolve wavered. I summoned what courage I had left and went to him. I gently stroked his soft head while my tears dripped onto the sheet beside him.
Ryan stood beside me and said, “I can’t believe he’s the child from the news. I see why you’re so fond of him. He’s a beautiful boy. It’s strange to think he’s totally unaware of what awaits him.”
“Take a good look,” I said in a hoarse whisper. “He’ll be gone in a few days.” I wiped my tears and went to the rocking chair. “It wasn’t supposed to end this way, you know. I’ve been caring for him almost from the moment he came here. I’ve planned and dreamed of the day he would come home as my son. Can you understand what drove me to the river today? I don’t know how to go on living without him.”
“I know we just met, but I think I’ve learned something about you today. You have a supportive group of friends out there,” he said, pointing to the door. “They obviously care about you. Why do you think they’ll turn their backs on you now? Let them help you. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
I nodded, knowing Ryan was right. My friends had proved their devotion to me countless times, especially Alec.
“You have a great deal of love to give,” Ryan said. “I told you at the river that someone could come along who’ll need you as much as Johnny. You might even help someone without knowing it. We all do sometimes.”
“My days as a Good Samaritan are finished. The trade-off’s not worth it. I can’t go through this again. It almost killed me this time.” I closed my eyes.
“Do you regret helping Johnny?” Ryan asked.
“I asked myself that question earlier. I’m grateful to have known Johnny, but if someone had told me this was how it would end, I probably would have walked away. I’ve lost almost everyone that I’ve loved. I can’t do it again,” I said.
“I’m glad that not everyone feels that way. If they did, no one would ever help anyone. We’d all be lonely and suffering. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? Hasn’t anyone ever helped you out in a time of need—before today, I mean?”
Ryan’s question caught me off guard. I’d been too absorbed in my own pain to think of anyone else. Where would I have been if my friends hadn’t come to my rescue? Where would I have been without my mother or Andrew or my grandparents? Many people had sacrificed for me. It hadn’t been easy for them, yet there I was, saying I’d never help anyone again because it might be hard.
“Yes, I’ve been helped, in profound ways and more times than I can count. I am deeply grateful for that.” I rubbed my arm. “This is too deep for me right now. My whole body is throbbing, and I need to focus on surviving the next few days without worrying about what will happen beyond that.”
“Fair enough,” Ryan said. “I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
I stood and tenderly placed my hand on his arm. “Don’t apologize to me. I owe you my life. I haven’t even said thank you. It’s impossible to express that kind of gratitude, but thank you for listening to that little voice in your head. You must be an angel.”
He put his hand over mine. “Don’t thank me. I meant what I said. It’s been my privilege to be part of this. I’m just an average guy doing his job.”
“What you did today was anything but average. How can I ever repay you?”
“You can repay me by promising that you’ll never attempt that again. I’d like to do what I can to help. Would it be too much to ask that we stay in touch? I’d like to know you’re all right.”
“Nothing would be too much for you to ask. How could I not stay in touch with my guardian angel? Now, I have another favor to ask,” I said. “I have no right to ask, but would you mind if we keep what happened at the river between us? Answer me honestly. If that makes you uncomfortable, I’ll understand.”
“You mean when I saved you from slipping off that rock into the river? That’s what happened, isn’t it?”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m in your debt again.”
“You were desperate. Who am I to judge? You promise not to do that ever again, right?”
I looked into his eye and saw the same concern I’d seen at the river. “Yes, never again.”
He took a card from his wallet and pressed it into my hand. “Hold on to this, and call me when you have the time or when you need me or just want to talk. I have to get back now to see if I can save any more damsels in distress,” he said and patted my hand.
“I’ll show you the quickest way out.” I led him into the hallway.
Chapter Fifteen
After walking Ryan out, I went back to Alec and Adam, knowing I had explaining to do. They both turned and stared at me when they saw me coming toward them. Paul was on his cell phone by the nurses’ station but hung up when he saw me. The rest of the group that had been there earlier was gone, probably to get back to work.
When I reached them, we all waited for the first one to speak. It was Alec, of course. “Tell me what really happened,” she said and crossed her arms.
“First, I need someone to treat my arm. Then I’m going home to take a shower.”
“I’ll take you home for fresh supplies,” Alec said. “We’ll go back to my apartment and pick your car up in the morning.”
I was sure Alec had offered so she could get me alone to grill me on the gritty details, but I was still grateful. I hadn’t decided how much I would tell her, but I’d have to give some explanation.
“Let’s go to the ER. I’ll stitch you up, but then you’re getting a complete exam,” Adam said and headed down the hall.
Paul patted my shoulder. “I’ll call first thing in the morning. You and I have a lot to talk about.”
I nodded and followed Adam to the elevator with Alec close behind. Adam insisted on doing x-rays and checking out every inch of me after he stitched my arm. When he was satisfied that I was well enough to leave, he kissed Alec and went to the ID unit. Alec and I left the hospital and walked to her car in silence. Once we were inside, she
refused to go anywhere until I promised to start talking.
“I promise,” I said, “but please, let’s go. I’m starving and filthy, and I want to go home.”
Alec nodded and turned the key.
I’d decided not to keep anything back from her. She was crying softly by the time I finished my story. I handed her a tissue.
She wiped her face with one hand as best she could. “Why didn’t you call me? I had no idea what you were going through. The thought of you alone when you heard the news kills me.” She smiled weakly and said, “Sorry. Poor choice of words.”
“I wasn’t alone, Alec. Someone was looking out for me,” I said and looked out the window, still trying to make sense of what Ryan had said. We rode along in silence until I got up the courage to ask her the question that was nagging at me. “Alec, do you feel differently about me because of what I did today?”
Alec didn’t answer right away. She found a safe place to pull off the road and turned the car off.
“I’ve never understood how anyone could commit suicide. It’s not something any of us likes to think about, is it? A girl I went to high school with killed herself. I didn’t know her very well, but I knew her well enough to see that she had emotional problems. I felt pity for her and the friends and family she left behind. Of course, in my work as a nurse, I’ve seen people who have attempted suicide, but I’ve seldom known the circumstances that drove them to such a desperate act. I’ve heard that the majority of people who attempt suicide contemplate it for a long time before they act. What happened to you today is nothing like those situations. First, you never would have gone through with it.”
I started to protest, but Alec held up her hand to stop me. “Second, you’ve been in some pretty desperate situations in your life, and you’ve never seriously considered it before. Most people probably would have in your place. We’ll never know what would have happened if Ryan hadn’t come along. If you had wanted to jump, you’d have done it in spite of him. All that matters is that you’re here now. We all have a difficult time ahead of us. Put what happened on hold for now. We don’t ever need to speak of it again.”
Arms of Grace Page 19
