I left Alec waiting in the car and went inside. I hesitated as I stepped into the kitchen. Everything was exactly as I’d left it. A teacup and spoon rested in the sink, patiently waiting to be washed. A loaf of moldy bread sat on the counter. I threw it away and looked in the fridge to see what other food I should toss. My answering machine sat on the counter next to the fridge. The message indicator was flashing, so I pushed the play button and leaned against the counter to listen.
The first few messages were ordinary calls about everyday things. That life seemed years ago and far away. The next several messages were from Adam, Alec, and Paul, trying to find me. I erased those, not wanting to dwell on the events surrounding them.
There was one message from a concerned neighbor and a few from reporters wanting to interview me. I skipped those to deal with later. There was one call from Ryan. I smiled at the memory of our encounter in the hospital chapel earlier. I briefly savored the moment before pushing play again. The voice in the next message froze my blood. I played it through and then rewound it to listen again.
“Grace,” he said, speaking in a whisper. “It’s Jay. I don’t have much time. I didn’t bother calling your cell because I knew you wouldn’t answer. I have to see you. I heard about Johnny, and I saw the press conference. Give me a chance to explain. People are looking for me. We need to meet. Please, I’m begging you. I’ve got to make you understand. Call my daughters when you’re ready to talk. I’ll be waiting.”
I pressed the stop button and stepped back. My heart pounded. How dare he call me? I thought. I had almost lost my life because of him. My thoughts flashed back to the horrible scene at the river. He was the cause of my pain and despair but had the gall to beg for my help. I never thought I’d hear the fabulous Dr. Jay beg for anything. It must have killed him to make that call. I knew his deepest, darkest secrets. There wasn’t anything he could do to change that, but that didn’t mean I wanted him hurt. If any of what he’d told me was true, he could be in real danger, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to help him.
I had a decision to make. Johnny was going to live. He’d soon be my son in spite of the wisp of a shadow on our future. I had dear friends in my life who cared for me, and now maybe Ryan too. Jay didn’t belong in that future. He failed me when I needed him most, but I still almost felt sorry for him. Almost. I jotted down the information to give to Paul in the morning. With that done, I pressed the delete button and erased Dr. Jay Morgan from my life.
Chapter Eighteen
Life with Johnny awake was not exactly what I dreamed it would be. While I couldn’t have loved him more if he were my own flesh and blood, my instant initiation into life as a mother of a special-needs child was rocky. Added to those challenges was the fact that none of us, not even Brad, knew what to expect from Johnny from day to day. Some days he cried for hours despite our best efforts to comfort him. Other times, he slept for twenty-four hours at a stretch. I tried to catch naps when I could but had a hard time sleeping knowing he could wake up screaming at any moment. Working him into a normal sleep-wake cycle took some doing.
Johnny’s initial injuries and long months in a coma left him with ongoing pulmonary, brain, and neuromuscular problems. His left side, including his face, was partially paralyzed when he first woke up, but with therapy and reduced brain inflammation, he regained some movement. He still smiled with half a grin that I found adorable. Brad was hopeful that Johnny might be able to walk with assistance someday. I joked that we’d have matching limps.
Johnny had a constant cough, and his oxygen levels sometimes dropped when he was overactive. Almost drowning and being intubated for so long had left scar tissue behind. His pulmonologist hoped that once Johnny built up muscle tone, his lung function would improve. In the meantime, we controlled the problem with medications and breathing treatments. Johnny was no fan of those and fought me when I tried to put his face mask on.
On the plus side, Johnny’s cognitive abilities, hearing, and vision were good. He responded well when we spoke to him and chattered incoherently most of the time he was awake. He loved his stroller rides around the hospital grounds and smiled at everyone we passed. He also had a ravenous appetite and was gaining weight quickly. He gobbled up his baby-food spaghetti with gusto, and Alec said that was a sure sign he was supposed to be my son.
A clear picture formed of what my life as Johnny’s mother would be. Once Johnny was released from the hospital, we’d have trips to the physical therapist, speech therapist, and occupational therapists a few times a week. The idea of my going back to work before Johnny started school was out of the question. I reconsidered accepting some of the interview requests I kept getting.
I was so exhausted after the first two weeks that Brad refused to let me stay in Johnny’s room 24/7. I refused to leave Johnny alone at night, so we reached a compromise by allowing anyone who was willing to take a turn sleeping in Johnny’s room. Pleased with my brilliant idea, I created a rotating schedule and went home to my own bed for the first time in two weeks.
Alec volunteered for the first shift with Johnny. That meant I could rest knowing he was in her capable hands. I thought I’d drop off the minute my head hit the pillow that night, but I lay there staring at the clock as the minutes crawled by. I finally turned on a boring documentary on my tablet and waited for sleep to come. I woke six hours later with the tablet stuck to my cheek, but I was ready to tackle another day in my new role as a mother.
During that time, Serena and I had been meeting every few days to work on Johnny’s adoption. After the petition fiasco, DSS was bending over backward to expedite the process. Serena was hopeful that it would only take three months for Johnny to become my legal son. That coincided with when Brad thought Johnny would be able to leave the hospital. In the meantime, I became his foster mother. My dream of taking Johnny home to start our new life as a family was becoming a reality. With Ryan and Alec’s help, I converted the room across the hall from mine into a bedroom for Johnny and counted the days until he’d be there.
Happy as I was, clouds hovered over my bliss. Foremost, I was concerned about our financial future. Since I’d never submitted my resignation, I was still employed at the hospital. With Johnny taking all my time, I couldn’t go back to work. I applied for a leave of absence because I wasn’t entitled to family leave until the adoption was final. Kinsley granted it without question. I put off my decision of whether to remain working at the hospital until Kinsley’s fate was decided. Pete Saunders had told Adam that the board was breathing down Kinsley’s neck, so I hoped it would only be a matter of time until he was gone.
The other cloud was Jay. Paul had passed on the information from Jay’s call to his contact in Baltimore. Jay had shown up back at his own house two weeks after he had run away. Paul’s contact kept him updated on the investigation. Jay made a preemptive strike by confessing to his involvement in the death of the young girl. The medical board suspended his license and was considering revoking it permanently. Paul told me they’d likely put him on probation because it was impossible to prove that he’d caused the girl’s death. The family wasn’t pressing charges, but they were suing him for malpractice.
Jay was also facing charges for his role in Johnny’s case, but Paul said that would be just as hard to prove because there had also been a chance Johnny wouldn’t recover, and Jay’s superiors had been blackmailing him. That made Jay a victim of sorts. The thought of Jay as a victim made me laugh. He had never been a victim in his life. He’d had the option to admit his wrongdoing from the beginning but had chosen the coward’s way out.
Paul prodded me to sue Jay and the hospital as soon as the adoption was final, but I wasn’t sure I would. I’d been so proud of myself for putting Jay behind me that I hated the thought of facing him in court. Paul assured me that Jay would most likely settle out of court, but all I wanted was to focus on was my life with Johnny.
I took comfort in the fact that Jay and Kinsley’s careers were destroyed, and they�
��d pay a high price. My only enticement to sue was that if I won, I could get financial help to offset the cost of Johnny’s care that the state wouldn’t cover. I tucked those thoughts away and focused on bringing my boy home.
Another bright spot in my life was Ryan. I hesitated to call him after our talk in the chapel, even though I felt a spark between us. I had a hard time separating those feelings from the intense emotions I’d experienced the previous few days. All I saw when I thought of Ryan was the scene at the river. He knew my deepest secret, but I hardly knew anything about him. It felt like I’d met him in my bare skin.
I started meeting with a counselor to work through everything from Jay to Johnny to Ryan. When I disclosed the episode at the river, my counselor said my behavior was understandable in light of the circumstances. I told her I was horrified by what I’d almost done, and she said that was a healthy reaction and a good sign. She cautioned me to take it slow with Ryan but that I should be candid with him from the start.
I called Ryan as soon as I left my counselor’s office that day.
“I was afraid I’d never hear from you again,” he said. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since our talk in the chapel.”
“I’ve been thinking about you too, but life’s been crazy,” I said, making excuses. So much for being candid, I thought. “Would you be up to meeting me at Juliana’s Bakery on Saturday morning? We’ll start simple.” I held my breath while I waited for his answer.
“Juliana’s is my favorite,” he said, and I let out my breath. “How’d you know? I’d love to meet you there. Is eight too early?”
“No, I’ll just have to make sure someone is with Johnny. See you Saturday,” I said and hung up. Hearing his warm and friendly voice had made me laugh at myself for being afraid to call him. I went back to the hospital, anxious for Saturday to come.
Ryan walked into Juliana’s five seconds after me. We picked out our favorite pastries and went to an empty table by the window. After some small talk, I poured out my heart, leaving nothing out. I didn’t want to keep secrets from him like I’d done with Alec and Jay. If he rejected me after knowing the truth, I could walk away with no regrets.
While I spoke, Ryan studied me intently with his sparkling blue eyes. He was the first man I’d known to have a balanced mixture of the boy next door and rugged confidence.
“Now you know the whole me,” I said when I finished. “I owe you my life, but you owe me nothing. I wouldn’t think any less of you if you left now.”
Ryan laughed. “You say that like you want me to go. Do you?” When I shook my head, he took my hands and said, “Good, because I wasn’t going to leave anyway. Knowing the whole you, as you call it, only makes me want you more. You’re the most intriguing person I’ve ever met.”
The feel of my hands in his sent tingles up my arms. I wanted nothing more than to sit there and relish the feeling, but I had to clear up one more issue. “I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to try to fix me,” I said. “Aside from Jay and Johnny, the rest happened many years ago. I’ve moved past it. I want us to be on equal footing, but is that possible after how we met? You seem like such a normal guy. I’m a lot to take on.”
Ryan sat back and crossed his arms. “I don’t want to do those things. You say I’m a normal guy. What’s normal? I told you at the river that I don’t live in a vacuum. I haven’t had troubles like yours, but I was in the Marines, remember? I’ve killed people in combat, Grace. I was a sniper. It took time to cope with that afterward, but I worked through it. It was what I had to do, but that’s only a part of who I am, and I don’t regret it.” He put his hand on my cheek and tenderly caressed it with his thumb. “I don’t see you as a victim or the desperate woman on the edge of the rocks. I see you as the hero who fought to save Johnny’s life.”
I was speechless. Ryan was a giant in my eyes compared to Jay. I was able to be myself with him, something I’d never been able to do that with Jay. I’d always felt inferior to him, and looking back, I realized Jay had wanted it that way. Ryan was relaxed and down to earth and treated me as his equal. As I sat in that bakery, I became certain that I’d never been in love with Jay but had only been dazzled and infatuated.
Ryan and I talked about everyday things and laughed at the same stupid jokes. The crowning jewel was that when I talked about Johnny, he was attentive and enthusiastic. When he said he admired my devotion to Johnny, I knew Ryan was the man for me.
Not long after Ryan and I started going out, he took time off to help me navigate the adoption process and prepare to be Johnny’s mother. We grew closer each day, and I began to wonder how I’d ever survived without him. Even after he went back to work, we spent every free minute together. Adam and Ryan hit it off from the beginning, and Alec gave him her stamp of approval, which was no small thing.
Johnny was the last piece of the puzzle, but I had no worry on that score. Johnny’s face lit up every time Ryan walked into the room. He held up his good arm as a sign to be picked up and flashed his crooked grin. Ryan ate it up, and I began to consider him a part of our family.
While Ryan and I were painting Johnny’s room after dinner one night, I got up the courage to ask him if he’d told his kids about me and how we’d met.
“Yes, I have,” he said, “but I just told them I met you through work. They’ve been asking to meet you and Johnny. The girls even said they’d drive home one weekend to do it. They never want to do that, so this is big.”
“How did they react when you told them who I am? Had they heard about Johnny on the news?” I was nervous about meeting them and worried that they wouldn’t like me or that when we met, it would be all about what they’d seen in the media.
“The girls are thrilled that I’m seeing someone. They were pushing me to start dating and even wanted to sign me up for a dating site. Mark had reservations at first, but he’s fine with it now,” he said.
“Should we set a time for me to meet them? Do I have to meet them all at once?”
“Don’t worry; they’ll love you,” he said and wiped a dot of paint off my nose.
My stomach knotted. “I guess the sooner we get it over with, the better,” I said.
Ryan laughed. “That’s the spirit. They want to meet Johnny too. Would you mind?”
Hearing that gave me an idea. “Bring them to the hospital so they can meet Johnny and me together. We’re a package deal, after all. Maybe not all of them at once though.”
“I’ll see if Mark and Valerie want to come this weekend. Jennifer and Stephanie are off on a road trip with some girlfriends. They’ll be back next week. We’ll set up a time then. They’ll be jealous that Mark got to meet you first,” he said and chuckled. “I’m glad you want to get to know my kids. We’re a package deal too.”
He pulled me into his arms and smeared paint all over my T-shirt.
“If they’re anything like you, it’ll be a delight,” I said with more confidence than I felt.
I was a nervous wreck while I waited in Johnny’s hospital room for Ryan to show up with Mark and Valerie three days later. I asked Ryan to let them know what to expect, and I hoped it would be one of Johnny’s good days. He’d settled into regular sleep cycles and rarely had hours-long crying jags by then, but those were only the first small steps.
I was rocking Johnny and trying to calm my nerves when Ryan walked in with Mark and Valerie. Mark was a carbon copy of Ryan, down to the warm smile and sparkling blue eyes. All he lacked was the touch of gray hair at his temples. He came directly toward me and shook my hand. Johnny held his arm up to be picked up. Without thinking twice, Mark took him from me and said, “You must be Johnny.” He was rewarded with one of Johnny’s biggest crooked grins.
Valerie was more reserved and stayed back. She was only slightly taller than I was and had the same fair skin, but her hair was black and straight. The combination was striking. She waited for about a minute before clearing her throat to distract Ryan and Mark from fawning over Johnny. Ryan turn
ed and started toward her, but I beat him to it. I held out my hand and said, “I’m Grace. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Valerie. Those two become goofs around babies,” she said, pointing her thumb at Mark.
“It’s a good thing,” Ryan said. “They announced in the car today that they’re making me a grandpa.” He hugged Valerie and beamed.
“Congratulations,” I said and kissed her cheek.
She thanked me and asked if she could hold Johnny.
“Good luck getting him away from Mark,” Ryan said.
Valerie took Johnny from Mark and carried him to the rocking chair. Mark leaned over them, making silly noises with his mouth, and Johnny giggled. Ryan and I stepped back to admire the scene.
“They’ll make great parents,” Ryan said.
I kissed him and said, “Congratulations to you too. They’re wonderful. You’ve clearly done a great job with Mark.”
“That was mostly him and my wife,” he said, “but I’ll take a little credit. He was easy to raise.”
I nodded and wondered why I’d been so afraid to meet them. “I can’t wait to meet the girls. I hope it goes this well,” I said.
Ryan laughed and said, “Just wait. You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Ryan brought the girls to the hospital two weeks later. Stephanie burst in, hugged me, and went straight to Johnny’s crib. He backed up with wide eyes for a second before grinning at her.
She turned to me and said, “Oh please, you have to let me hold him.”
I smiled and nodded.
“Just be careful,” Ryan said. “He doesn’t like jerky movements.”
Stephanie dismissed Ryan’s comment with a wave and said, “I got this.” She picked Johnny up and did a little dance around the room with him. When he giggled, she looked at Ryan and said, “See? He likes me.”
Arms of Grace Page 23
