by H. M. Ward
Sean wipes away another tear before it can drop. His warm hands cradle my face, but he doesn’t force me to look up. Instead, I stare at the diploma while a whirlwind of feelings cyclone together inside my chest.
My parents were supposed to be here. They would have been proud. I had plans for graduate school and plans for life, now none of them will happen. At least that’s what I thought. Getting the diploma changes things, but when I look at it, I don’t see my struggles or my accomplishments—I see blood on an eyelet bedspread and the blank look on Amber’s lifeless body.
At some point I start prattling these things, bearing my soul to Sean in a way I’ve not done in a long time. I wipe away a tear. “How am I supposed to be proud of this when every time I look at it the only thing I see is death?” I laugh nervously and avoid his gaze. “Now isn’t a good time to return me, or throw back any of the dumbass things I’ve done lately. Don’t push me Sean, I can't handle it.”
Sean shifts his stance. He’s been listening to me, closed off, with his arms plastered to his chest. However, with my last statement, his arms drop to his sides and he steps forward, closer. “I’m sorry things didn’t happen the way you wanted. I’m sorry you feel like their blood is on your hands, but it’s not. I also know that I can tell you that for twenty years and you won’t hear it, so hear this—I never, ever thought I’d be this close to you again.”
He suddenly falls silent, so I glance up. His eyes are on the carpet and his hands are in his hair, as if he doesn’t know what to say. “I pushed you away, too hard, too many times. You deserve better.”
We stare at each other for a moment. Neither of us speaks. Time stills and this feels like one of those points that matter. I can blow him off and we can go back to the squabbling or I can do something else, something different and see where it leads.
My face scrunches up as I try not to cry. Stepping forward, I put the diploma down and step into Sean’s space and press my body to his chest, hoping his arms will come up around me. He’s not good at comforting, and this embrace reminds him of Amanda, I know it does, so I’ve avoided it—but not anymore.
Slowly his hands lift and find my back. He slides them into place and holds onto me.
I go on, bearing my soul. “Naked Guy was a douchebag, but I wouldn’t have wished that on him. He tried to hurt me, plus he launched those videos of me sexting all over. But Amber—she didn’t deserve it. If every bitch in the world was shot, there’d be less than a dozen women remaining and a lot of horny men.”
Sean stifles a giggle and nearly chokes, but he seems to sense what I’m thinking. “Listen to me, Avery. Amber was a cop, and she knew the risk going in. Her death isn’t on your shoulders, and you shouldn’t feel badly about getting your degree either. You worked for it. You sacrificed everything, every moral, every virtue, so you could have this degree.”
I feel so conflicted. My past and my present have collided together. “I know, but now that I have it, it wasn’t worth it. If I could go back and undo everything, I would.”
“Everything?” His voice is light, nervous. He knows I’ll tell him the truth.
Once I met Sean Ferro, my life became an untamed mess. I dropped the reigns the night he kissed me. Everything has run wild since then. I never thought I’d be standing here inside the Ferro mansion, next to this man, and yet here I am.
Pulling back, I look up at him. “Let’s not be coy anymore. If you have a question, ask it.”
“You know what I’m asking.” He stiffens, and the line between his brows deepens with worry.
“That’s like saying, you know I love you.” I say the last part in a dumb guy voice.
Sean smirks. “I don’t sound like that.”
“Then, ask me, Mr. Jones and I’ll tell you the truth. What is it that you really want to know?”
Sean has a lump in his throat that he can’t swallow. It feels like I’m torturing him, but if we’re wading into new waters here, we’re going together. I take his hand and try to catch his eye.
His voice comes out so soft, so insecure, that it nearly tears me in two. “Do you wish we never met?”
CHAPTER 4
His question, God, it’s awful. I don’t think, I don’t judge, I just talk. I hope that letting the floodgates open will finally help me see where I need to go. “After my parents died, I lost everything—my family, my childhood home—everything. The night I jumped on the back of your bike was one of the worst nights I’d had since the cops came and told me that my parents were gone. All my earthly possessions were in that car, and that car—” I let out a rush of air and push my hair out of my face, “—was the only thing I had left of my dad. No one helped me. No one cared enough to do a damn thing. But you did. The guy you try so hard to hide from the rest of the world was out in full force that night. I wouldn’t wish that away, not for anything.”
Sean turns quickly, making it so I can’t see his eyes. “Let me run a bath for you.”
That was an unexpected response. Not the typical Sean reply. I step in front of him, and place my hand on his chest. There’s a sheen on his eyes and I know he’s choked up. I don’t know what else to say and I want to see him smile. Looking up into his eyes I whisper, “There’s no mention of baths in that contract.”
“There’s no point stipulating that we had to sell our souls and yet here we are. Somehow we both went down the same road.” He looks down at me with a soft expression on his face. It’s as if he wants to tell me something but doesn’t know how to put it into words. Sean places his hand on my cheek and runs it down my face, feeling the smoothness of my skin.
I hesitate, and look up at him. I wonder where this softness is coming from and how long it will last. There have been too many times when a side of Sean has come out, only to be driven back into the darkness faster than I can blink. I try to remember that that’s who he is. He’s a man that darts in and out of the shadows. Sean Ferro wants to be unseen, unheard, and unknown. The problem is that he’s stolen my heart, and every time he recedes into the shadows, it goes with him.
Clearing my throat, I ask, “What about you? Do you wish you’d driven on, and ignored me like everyone else?” It’s a question that I always wanted to ask, but never have. That night changed both our lives. He could’ve driven on, he could’ve ignored me. If he had, things would’ve been so much simpler for him. Stopping could’ve been one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
Sean leans in close and presses his lips to my cheek, and then slowly moves to the other side of my face, repeating the motion. The touch is so tender, I want to cry. I steel myself for whatever is coming next, for whatever words come out of his mouth.
Sean’s lips part and his crystal blue gaze locks with mine. The corners of his mouth lift and he says, “A woman that determined to get back something of questionable value—on her own—is a force to be reckoned with. There’s no way I was passing you by.”
He smiles as he says it, as if it were a secret that no one knew. He runs his hands over my face again, cupping my cheek, and sweeping his thumb over my skin. I think he's going to stop, I don’t expect him to reveal more, he never does. But this time Sean surprises me. He continues in this surreal confession of the night we met.
Continuing, he says, “You amazed me, which is something rare. I wanted to know everything about you as soon as I saw you sprint down the road. You’re a fighter, brave and beautiful, and there is nothing I would have changed about that day. In fact, I thank God for it every time I close my eyes. You’ve changed my nightmares to dreams, taming my fears with your boldness. You’ve made yourself vulnerable for me, to me—trusted me when you had no reason to—and it’s not quite what I want, we’re not there yet, and it’s my fault.”
Before I can ask him what he means, Sean leans in slowly, leaving the slightest separation between us. The warmth of his lips slip over my mouth and I want to lean in and kiss him. Sean continues, “I’m vulnerable now. They all know, every single one of them, except you.”
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“Are you going to make me ask a question in my dumb guy voice?” I smile softly.
Sean laughs and shakes his head. His dark hair falls into his eyes. “I love you. I won’t hide it anymore. Being apart from you is killing me. The secrets between us, the fact that you ran to my mother instead of me isn’t right. I want you. I want your trust, and your love. I want to be the one who protects you and I want you to trust me in every sense of the word. You’re my weakness, my addiction, and I’m not willing to give you up.” He grins at me for a moment. “And obviously we’ll need to make amendments to that contract, although I thought bathing was assumed, dirty girl.” He presses his finger to my nose, copying my prior booping.
The corners of my lips tug up, suddenly feeling playful. “Ass.”
“Beautiful.” He says it with that sexy smirk.
“Deviant.”
“Goddess,” he breathes this as if I am life itself, as if he believes it’s true.
The sincerity of his words, the intensity of them, throws me off balance. I laugh and shove his chest. “Jerkface.”
Sean chortles and grabs my hands gently. “Get in the tub and I’ll explain why you’re marrying another man.”
CHAPTER 5
I make a face showing just how much I detest this idea. “You were serious about that?”
“Why do you keep asking me that? When do I joke about anything?” Sean’s voice is flat and serious.
“Touché.”
Sean jokes about very little. The times that I can get him to lighten up and I can see those darling dimples, and hear that hypnotic laugh—I live for those times. I guess that means he seriously wants me to marry Trystan Scott. I can’t imagine Trystan would agree to it, so I don’t freak out then and there. Besides, Sean can’t tell me who to marry.
I glance around the room and see the framed paper again. The center of my chest tugs. Looking at the framed diploma, reading my name in the center of the document, it’s just too much. Sean sees me glancing at it.
Gesturing, I say, “Thanks for this.”
It’s too little to say, I know that. But how do you thank someone for something like this? I would’ve gone on the rest of my life with no diploma, not knowing that I’d earned it or that I could even get it.
There are people that watch out for you, there are people that watch over you, and until this moment I thought they were gone. The night my parents died, I lost all that. I had no one watching out for me, no one watching over me.
Sometimes it seems like Sean wants to be that guy, while other times it seems like he wants to be a Ferro. I wish Sean would drop his guard long enough for me to see who he really is, long enough for him to see who he really is, because I don’t think he knows. I don’t think Sean sees the man that he’s become. He still thinks he’s the monster, the man that was scorned and mocked and ridiculed, the demon trapped in this godforsaken place. And I came along sprinting down Deer Park Avenue chasing my crap car, and his world changed.
Our worlds collided that night.
Sean turns his sapphire gaze my way. He says it like it’s nothing and everything at the same time. “You sold your soul for that diploma. I know how much it meant to you. It was the least I could do.” Sean reaches for the hem of his shirt and slips it over his head, tossing it onto his bed, before turning and offering me his hand.
I’m beyond shocked at the turn of events. I want to drop my guard but every time I’ve done it in the past, I got sucker-punched in the face. There are only so many more hits I can take before I become permanently ugly, inside and out.
I step toward him, uncertain. “And this bath of yours, is it part of the Barbie Dream House or are we going to fill a big ass box with water?”
Sean laughs out loud and grabs my wrist. Pulling me against his bare chest, he’s all smiles. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“You keep saying that.” I smile. It feels like I’m going to explode inside. When he first said those words I thought they were a warning that I should leave. I thought I was in danger, but I’m not—Sean is the one who is in danger as long as I’m around.
Sean answers, “Because it means you’re never going to get rid of me, and the crazy ass future you’ll have because of it. I’m worried and elated. It feels like I’m bursting with joy and being ripped apart with guilt. I should have rolled you out of the mansion, onto the doormat, and kicked the door shut.”
My eyes bug out. “That would have been pretty nasty, Sean Ferro. Rich people have some pretty crappy manners. It’s deplorable. What would your mother think?”
He smirks. “My mother taught me how to survive, and I’m going to teach you the same thing. But instead of being three steps ahead of you and leaving you in the dark, I’ll take you with me. Every step. Every second.”
Oh my God, he’s serious. Is this it? This is the moment I've been waiting for?
His jaw isn’t locked and his touch is light. I can see the conflict burning in his eyes, but he’s already decided.
I don’t know if I should die or dance. I’m still leery though, so much has happened. I still don’t trust him, not fully. The problem is that I want to. Coyly, I ask, “So what’s three steps from now?”
A wicked smile spreads across his lips. “You, naked, tied to the Tantra chair.”
“Dibs.”
“Dibs?” A curious expression slips across his face. “What is this, middle school? What are you calling dibs on?”
Grinning widely, I walk toward him. “Apparently our plans for the evening are going in the same direction, but on step three I planned on having you tied up on that chair. Dibs.” I move my mouth slowly, letting my lips hug the word. “I call dibs on the sex chair.”
Sean offers a crooked smirk and takes my hand, pulling me ahead, into another room. “Spray Start Car Girl, I knew you’d be awesome.” I follow him, laughing.
CHAPTER 6
I’m about to make some witty comeback when every word in my head is suddenly gone. “Holy shit!” We enter a side room, and from how dark it was inside I thought it was a pass-through or a closet, but it’s not. It’s Sean’s shower, bath, and bat cave all in one. The walls are black glass tile with accents of dark blue here and there. Black marble basins sit in front of an ornate antique mirror that has Tiffany lamps fixed to the mirrors.
Pointing, I jabber, “Are those real?”
Sean laughs. “Never ask a man if it’s real.”
“Uh, you’re never supposed to ask a girl if they are real.”
Sean smirks and then says, “Everything in here is real.”
“So you put multimillion dollar lamps in your bathroom. Okay.” I shrug like that’s normal. He has rubies in his book case, so what the hell do I know?
Sean ignores my snark and takes my wrist, pulling me around a curved wall. As soon as I see it, I gasp. A copper soaking tub sits alone in front of a wall, which is covered in tiny tiles of blue, gold, and purple. Water trickles down the tiles from a decorative scupper, flowing all the way down behind the tub. Gold and silver handles sit on a pedestal with a sprayer. On the side walls there are two iron sconces that are at least six feet tall, complete with candles and flickering flames.
Eyes wide, I gasp, “Oh my God. It’s girl porn!”
Sean laughs as I ditch him to run over and look at the tub more carefully. His deep voice booms behind me. “So, at least I know where I stand in the scheme of things.” He folds his arms over his toned chest.
Touching the cool copper tub, I look back at him. “Why do you have this? It’s as if you planned on using it every night of your life… because let’s face it, twenty year old Sean wasn’t into mind fucks and boxes. Was he?” I glance around, looking for a stack of crates.
Sean smirks, revealing that lickable dimple, and takes my face in his hands. “I made this thinking that I’d want to share it with someone special one day. I was the heir, this house would have been mine, so my suites were all over the top lavish.” Sean tips his head to the side, watchi
ng my reaction, drinking in my movements.
“Did you ever use it?” I’m tracing my fingers along the edge of the tub and staring at the waterwall, too afraid to look at him. I’m sure he used it. He had to use it.
“Yes, frequently.”
My stomach sinks and I turn slowly to look at him. He’s trying not to smile. I stand and walk over to him as the corner of my mouth tugs up and my stomach sinks. “So, were these bathing interludes solo?” Stupid question, but one can hope.
His smile stretches further. “Perhaps.” He looks down at me with those solid arms still pressed against his body.
My gaze flicks between his muscles and his eyes. “What’s it going to take to get details?”
“Tit for tat, Stanz. Tell me about your previous lovers and I’ll tell you about mine.” Sean leans against the wall and unfolds his arms revealing his sculpted bare chest. He seems amused, like this idea could be fun.
Blinking repetitively, I blurt out, “You just wanted to say tit.” I wink at him and then stand up and walk over to the waterwall, looking at each piece of cut glass. “Besides, I told you, you’re my first.”
Sean shakes his head. “But I wasn’t your only. I caught that one night when you were ranting. There was a rich guy and…?” His voice trails off, waiting for me to answer and fill in all the things that I don’t really want to say.
I glance back at Sean and decide to just tell him. “And that guy liked my tits, too. His family thought I was a gold digger and broke us up on the night of our prom.” I say it stoically, even though it still burns.
“They didn’t bother to tell me though, so I got dressed and waited. He never came. Well, he probably did come, but it wasn’t with me. We had plans to spend the weekend together at his family’s summer home out east. They had a house in South Hampton. After that whole episode I turned into a lesbian and swore off men forever.” I smile over my shoulder. Sean’s lips are parted like he believes the last part. I pick up a bar of soap and chuck it at him. It hits his shoulder and falls to the floor.
