The South West Series Box Set

by Rebecca Paulinyi

  Her head was reeling at these words; the words she had wanted to hear six weeks ago now felt hollow. She felt she had lived so much more freely, so much more happily - that his words didn’t have the impact she would have expected.

  “Nathan… you said you were seeing someone. You said you wanted a divorce.”

  “I didn’t know what to do, when you just upped and left, started a whole new life here, or so it seemed. I’m not blaming you,” he said quickly as she opened her mouth to speak. “Just that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I’ve made some choices I’m not proud of, Lee - but I’m sorry. I love you. I want to be with you. I’ll even move here, if it’s what you really want.”

  That one took her by surprised. Move to Totnes? She couldn’t picture him here, not in a million years. And the idea of him living in the same town as James… well, that didn’t bear thinking about. Were she even to consider a life with Nathan again, she knew it would not be in Totnes.

  “Nathan. A lot has changed. You made your choices, I made mine. You screwed at least two other people during our marriage - I don’t even want to know if it’s more. I can’t just get over that.”

  “Please, Lee.” He was on his knees now, on the floor, and Lee didn’t know where to look. He laid his head on her knee, and she thought for a moment that he might be crying. “Lee. Lee, I messed up, big time. I can see now how great our life was - and I don’t want to lose that forever. Please, please forgive me.”

  They sat there like that for a few moments, and Lee felt frozen. Her mind wouldn’t work properly; she couldn’t think about his words, she couldn’t consider the possibilities they offered - she was just stuck in that moment, with Nathan by her feet, her whole world turned upside down yet again.

  It felt like hours but Lee thought it could only have been ten minutes - if that. Nathan lifted his head, and his dark eyes met hers and she felt… nothing. Not the anger or hatred she’d felt for the last six weeks; not the love or passion she’d felt in the months and years before. She felt simply empty.

  “I can’t answer you right now,” Lee said, knowing she couldn’t think about any of these things while he was there in the room. “I need time. This is a massive thing that you’re saying.”

  “Okay. Okay. I want you to think this through - I think you’ll see that our life can be good again, if we really work at it. Great, I think it can be great. If you can forgive me… I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

  “Go back to Bristol, Nathan. I’ll think about it.”

  “When will I hear from you?”

  “I’m back on the second. I’ll ring you - we can discuss it, okay? I will think about it.” She felt she owed him that - although the second the thought crossed her mind, she chastised herself. She owed him nothing!

  “Thank you. Thank you Lee…” He stood, and Lee did too; he bent his head to kiss her, and she moved her head so his lips lightly grazed her cheek. Neither commented on it; inside, Lee felt riled and a little sickened that he felt he could just kiss her again like nothing had happened. Kiss her like James had kissed her…

  They walked in silence to the door, and Nathan stood on the threshold for a moment, looking at Lee.

  “I love you, Lee. I want our whole life back; I want to live with you, I want to have kids with you, I want our marriage back.”

  And then he was gone; and Lee closed the door, slid her back down it and sobbed on the carpeted hallway floor.

  Chapter 19

  “Lee?” A soft voice came from the living room, followed by footsteps. “Oh, Lee.” She sank to the floor and sat cross-legged next to Lee, trying to awkwardly put an arm around her. “I thought I heard the door close.”

  “Oh Gina,” Lee sobbed, leaning her head against her friend’s shoulder and letting her feelings and her tears pour out. “I was so sure I knew what I wanted, that I’d made the right decisions, made the best of all of this… and now… and now…”

  “What’s that bastard done now?” Gina asked, never one to mince her words.

  “He says he’s sorry. He says he loves me. He says he wants everything back again - that he wants children with me! I’ve waited for so long for him to be ready to have children with me, and now he turns up, tears in his eyes, says he got it all wrong and that he doesn’t want to lose everything we’ve had…” She tried to wipe her tears away with the sleeve of her jumper, but they wouldn’t stop falling. “And now my mind is so mixed up and I’m questioning everything I’ve decided.”

  “What a shit, coming in and throwing all of that at you on Boxing Day of all days. Come on - let’s make that Christmas dinner together. We can talk through it all, see if we can figure out what you really want.”

  Lee nodded, and with a hand from Gina, got up onto her feet. She nipped into the bathroom to noisily blow her nose and splash some cold water on her face. It was as she headed back to the kitchen that she remembered she had been on her way to check her phone when the unwelcome guest had appeared at the door. She pulled it out of her pocket, and saw what she was hoping for and dreading at the same time. New message: James.

  She clicked to open it and read the words with her breath held. Still not got that address from you! That breakfast - and those kisses - have got me through an exhausting shift. See you later xxx

  She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and knew that she couldn’t see James tonight: she looked a sight, her head was a mess and there was no way in hell that she could sit and cry over her separated husband reappearing and telling her he loved her with her new boyfriend.

  I’m sorry, feeling a bit rubbish, just need an early night - can we rain check until tomorrow? Xxx

  He replied almost immediately. Can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I hope you feel better. Looking forward to tomorrow - wrap up warm! J xxx

  She sighed as she placed the phone down on a side table and entered the kitchen to find Gina basting the small turkey.

  “What a whirlwind of a Christmas,” Lee said, as she began to chop the potatoes for roasting. “I can’t believe he showed up like that.”

  “So,” Gina said, pouring them both a sizeable glass of wine and piling vegetables into pans. “Truth time. What you need to decide is - do you want to forgive him? And do you think you can forgive him?”

  “After it happened… once I was done being furious, and then devastated… those words were all I wanted to hear. I thought if he was just sorry, if he wanted me to forgive him, then we could move on. But then he came here, and he wasn’t really apologetic, and he wasn’t that desperate for my forgiveness. And then he dated someone else…” She put the knife down, realising she was chopping the potatoes far too aggressively and far too small, and decided to give up on a bad job and throw them into the oven with some olive oil and rosemary. “And now I’m dating someone else. The kindest, funniest, sexiest man I could have imagined. And I have felt so happy…”

  “But?”

  “But I have so much history with Nathan. We have a whole life together, a marriage, we know each other’s parents, we were - or I was - ready to have children. And if I can’t forgive him, then all of that is gone, forever.”

  “You can’t blame yourself, Lee. Whether you forgive him or not, none of this was your fault. He made his horrendous decisions - he’s responsible for the fall out.”

  “I don’t know,” Lee said, sipping her wine and beginning to make gravy. “Things were distant a long time before I walked in on him and her… We weren’t having sex, we didn’t spend much time together, it was all work, work, work. Maybe I can’t blame him totally.”

  “And were you sleeping with gorgeous interns at your office? No, I didn’t think so. Lee, listen to me. Things may have become a bit stale, the sex might have dried up, but what was needed was conversation, maybe therapy - not sleeping around. And that was his decision. If he didn’t think things were working, he could have talked to you, he could have left you for Christ’s sake - but he bowed out of the grown up decisions and got into bed
with at least two workmates. The blame is most certainly squarely at his door.” Feeling her speech had run its course, she took a large swig of her wine and opened the oven door. “Right, vegetables on, I think this will all be ready to eat in twenty minutes.”

  “Thanks, G - for everything. Dinner - and the words of wisdom. And… I think you might be right. But… but what about the future? The plan for having kids, the nice house, the life plan…”

  “Screw the life plan! You can have kids for at least the next ten years Lee, probably much longer. You’re not as old and on the shelf as you seem to have decided you are. You can start again, with someone else, and still have the amazing life you always dreamed of. Better, in fact, than before - because it wasn’t exactly perfect, was it?”

  “No. No it wasn’t. And… and I’m struggling to see how I could possibly forgive him. Not any time soon. And even though it’s only new, and I don’t want to get into anything really serious right now - this thing with me and James feels great.”

  “I think you’ve got your answer Lee - but sleep on it. Go on that date with James tomorrow - see how you feel in the cold light of day, without Nathan crying in front of you. Not that I’ll judge you, whatever you decide to do. Just make sure you do what’s best for you, not anyone else.” She topped up the glasses of wine; “Come on, lay the table, let’s dish up this feast and then watch a feel good Christmas film, hey? ‘Tis the season, after all.”

  ***

  It was another fitful night’s sleep for Lee, one of many she’d had in that bed since leaving Bristol. James’ face appeared many times, as did Nathan’s. She had a dream where she was pregnant, but the face of the father was blurry, and when she woke up in a sweat she couldn’t remember enough of the key details to analyse what it could mean. When she finally fell back to sleep, images of her office swam through her thoughts; one moment she was in her little café, the next she was sat in her office, and that sexist celebrity client from what seemed like a million years ago was in front of her. Then she was walking through her Bristol living room; then her living room with Gina.

  It was five am when she woke up and decided that she couldn’t face going back to sleep again. The café was closed for today, to be reopened tomorrow - and then Lee would work her last four days, before heading back up to Bristol and life as a lawyer. As she made herself a cup of coffee in the chilly kitchen, she asked herself the question: would it be a life with Nathan? Her dreams hadn’t helped her to decide, and she knew that her beach date with James would only make her want to be around him more - that was what every moment with him did to her.

  She curled up under a blanket, and only switched on their tiny Christmas tree lights. Sat in semi darkness, she looked out of the window at the frosty street, where the snow still hadn’t melted and more still was forecast later that evening. She closed her eyes and pictured that warm fireplace in James’ cottage.

  Then she tried picturing herself in her home in Bristol, curled up with Nathan in front of the television. A baby asleep upstairs… and a tear fell from her eye before she even realised it was there. A beautiful picture… and yet she couldn’t imagine it. She didn’t think she had it in her to forgive him for not one, but two indiscretions - and that was the ones she knew about. She could see now, in the cold light of day, that he had only returned because he’d realised that the grass wasn’t always greener. She had never during their marriage pondered whether the grass might be greener elsewhere - and yet now that she’d been forced into the other grass, she’d found so many positives there. A new business venture, a new friend, a new boyfriend… Even back in Bristol, she could keep hold of those things.

  She couldn’t be with a man she didn’t love anymore; a man she couldn’t respect.

  Instead of waiting until she was back in Bristol, as she’d told him she would, she decided to write him a letter. She felt as though she needed to get the words out of her, get this decision made, and then move on with her life. She couldn’t wait in limbo; he’d come, he’d asked for her back, and she’d decided to say no.

  Nathan,

  I know we had problems in our marriage before you cheated. We both worked too much, and we both took what we had for granted. It’s too late now, to go back and change that; I cannot forgive you right now, and your cheating has made it impossible to try to put in the work that we should have both put in so long ago.

  We both need to move on from this - and I hope I can forgive you one day. I’m filing for divorce in the New Year; I hope we can split things amicably.

  May next year be better than this one.

  Lee.

  She rifled through the cabinet drawer until she found an envelope, wrote their old address on the front (she presumed he was still living there) and put it in the hallway ready to post.

  As soon as it was sealed she knew she’d made the right decision; it felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It was time for a new year, and a new start - as Lee Davis, not Lee Jones.

  Chapter 20

  At ten in the morning, as planned, Lee was waiting outside at the top of the high street for James to pick her up. She’d posted her letter on the way down, and was wrapped up warm as instructed, with her big winter coat, scarf and gloves. A few snowflakes whirled around her head, and she wasn’t sure if they had been whipped up by the wind or were freshly falling. Some of the shops were opening today, although several remained closed for another day - the charm of a small town.

  Lee grinned as the car pulled up against the kerb, and she had the door open before James had time to open it for her. Before any words left either of their mouths, Lee pressed her lips to his, fastening her fingers into his hair and letting all the desire she felt for him clear in those few seconds.

  “Wow.” Lee settled back into her seat, grinning at the effect her kiss had on him. “I was a bit worried, when you brushed me off last night, that you were having second thoughts but… wow.”

  “Nice to see you too,” she said, and as he pulled away onto the road she glanced at him and took a deep breath. “I want to tell you something, but it’s not easy for me. But I’m excited about whatever we’re starting here, and I don’t want to keep this from you.”

  “Okay… do I need to pull over?”

  “No. Keep driving, it’s easier that way. And I’m excited about going to the beach. So…” Another deep breath. “My ex-husband - or soon-to-be ex-husband - turned up yesterday. And he apologised, and begged me to forgive him and come back. He said he wants to have a baby with me, get our life back together, make everything right again…”

  “So that’s why you cancelled?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry - I wasn’t in the right head space last night to see you, to talk to you. I needed to… process.”

  “And now you’ve processed…” Lee could see his fingers tightening and relaxing on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white every couple of seconds. “And you’re telling me you’re going back to him?”

  “No! No, James. I needed to process everything he said - and I came to the conclusion that I have been happier here than I’ve been in a long time. Happier with you… I could never be with a man I didn’t love. A man I couldn’t respect any more. I’m ready - ready to move on.”

  James didn’t speak for a moment or two, as he turned off the main road, down a narrow country lane. Then he pulled in to a lay by, switched off the engine and turned to face Lee.

  “Thank you for telling me. I was worried, yesterday - I thought that maybe you’d changed your mind about wanting to date me, or that my family had actually put you off with their protective questions. But I understand why you couldn’t see me yesterday - and I’m exceptionally happy that you wanted to see me today!”

  “James… you have made me so happy. And I have no idea where we’re heading, but I know I want to feel this happy for as long as I can.”

  “Lee. I know you’ve just ended your marriage, and I know that kind of thing takes a long time to get over. But I don
’t want to be any rebound - I’m all in this.”

  Lee didn’t have the words to show him how she felt, and so she unbuckled her seatbelt, climbed onto his lap and let her lips do the talking - figuratively, that was.

  ***

  After their brief interlude, they drove through the tiny village of South Milton, down windy lanes that made Lee glad she wasn’t driving. Tall hedgerows were covered in snow, and it was only when they turned a corner and reached the brow of a hill that Lee got her first view of the sea.

  It was a breath-taking sight.

  “Wow,” she said, as they descended the hill slowly, wary of any ice. The sea was an icy grey colour, looking both ominous and mighty as it rolled and crashed onto the sand. Out in the distance was a huge rock with a large hole in the middle, and the sea foamed and sprayed around it, occasionally cascading down having landed on a ledge or in a nook. “I can’t believe I lived here for six weeks and not made it to the beach!”