The key slid into the lock just like it had done the previous year when it had been used on a daily basis, and for a second Lee had a strange sense of déjà vu, almost like nothing had changed.
Almost.
“Hello?” she called, not wanting to be surprised by anyone, but the house was blissfully silent.
She ran her hand lightly along the banister as she walked past it, feeling some sort of old connection with the place. Despite everything, this had been her home, and it almost felt like meeting an old friend after some sort of disagreement. Familiar, comfortable, but with a slight hint of unease breaking through the surface…
The house looked neat and tidy she thought, as she wandered into the kitchen that had been her pride and joy for so long, boxes in hand. She wondered if he’d hired a cleaner - or maybe there was a woman in his life who was taking care of the place for him. It hurt to think that, even though she knew full well that she didn’t want to be the woman in his life any longer. She highly doubted he would have suddenly decided to keep on top of the housework; it wasn’t something she had ever known him to do.
There wasn’t much in the kitchen she wanted - a set of plates she had chosen, a few photographs and her favourite set of wine glasses that her mum had bought them for their wedding. She didn’t feel she needed to ask permission to take any of this; it wasn’t exactly valuable, and he was the one that had done the heart-breaking, after all.
The living room came next, and excluding a coffee mug on the table, it was pristinely tidy. It almost felt as though she had just stepped in from work and was about to settle down in front of the telly with a glass of wine. She found it hard to wrap her head around how much had changed in such a short space of time, and so she stopped bothering and focused on the task in hand. Some books, a few films and her blanket were the only items from this room - she knew most of what she wanted would be upstairs, in the room that had haunted her dreams, her nightmares, for so many weeks.
She ascended the stairs slowly, feeling her heart thudding as her feet touched each one, remembering that night so clearly. The strange feeling in the pit of her stomach at Nathan’s lack of an answer when she’d shouted. That closed bedroom door…
It was closed now, and she half-expected to see the same sight as she pushed the door open gingerly. But no: the bed was made, there were no occupants this time, nothing that Lee wasn’t supposed to see. She took a deep, shuddering breath and refocused her mind. The wardrobe. She slid the white wooden doors open to see all of her clothes hanging there, just like they had been back in November. Outfits that were her staples were now no longer really necessary - smart outfits for a barrister, not a barista. She hated the thought of Nathan just throwing them out, however, so she bundled them up into bags, not taking too much care to fold them - she wanted to be out of this place as quickly as she could. Her favourite linen sets and towels were thrown into bags too, and she emptied out the make-up and jewellery, thinking that whatever she no longer wanted she could always take to the charity shop. She thought she might need to, after surveying it all in the back of the car - there was no way all of this would fit in the room in the flat she shared with Gina.
After bundling everything into the car, she headed back into the house for one last look around. She didn’t plan on coming back, and she wanted to make sure there was nothing she would miss - and to say goodbye one last time.
Her last sweep of the house only took a few minutes; she realised how few personal affects she’d really had there. It was in the kitchen, however, that she had a bit of a wobble. It was on the front of the fridge, pinned up with a magnet that she remembered placing there. A photo of the two of them in front of the sea at Weston-Super-Mare. They were laughing, arms slung around one another’s backs, the sun setting behind them. She couldn’t remember who had taken the photo, but she knew one thing - she had been happy then.
Was she happy now? She wasn’t sure.
She shook her head to rid herself of the nostalgic tears that reminded her suddenly that she hadn’t recovered from Nathan’s betrayal as fully as she thought she had. Despite not being sure whether she was 100% happy, she knew one thing for sure: she wasn’t miserable. And Nathan had made her miserable - in the end. A collection of happy times did not, unfortunately, make up for the bad.
She turned away from the sink and carefully spun the key off her keyring, deciding to leave it on the kitchen counter. She didn’t need a key anymore; this was no longer her home. As she passed the bin, a whiff of what she presumed was the previous night’s dinner made her stomach churn, and she only just realised in time that she was about to throw up. Emptying the contents of her stomach into that very same bin, Lee couldn’t find it in herself to feel guilty. She couldn’t help it, after all; it was the hormones.
A swig of water and a few deep breaths, and she was ready to leave. It took her a moment or two to be able to close the door behind her for that final time, and in her head she whispered goodbye. Goodbye to the house, goodbye to her life, goodbye to the past.
Now, she thought, as she drove away with one thumb swiping gently backwards and forwards over her stomach, was for the future.
Chapter 7
The whole process had been thankfully simple - no interruptions from Nathan, which she had been concerned about - and her desire to get out of the house as quickly as possible meant that she was back on the road with time to spare. It was half four by the time she was close to Exeter, and without really thinking about it she turned off towards where her sister lived. There was always a chance that Beth would be out somewhere, but she didn’t think her sister would mind an unexpected drop-in - and she didn’t want to pass by so close and not pop in and say hi.
She hadn’t decided, even as she pulled up outside her sister’s house, whether or not she would tell Beth about the baby. On one hand, it seemed like a bad idea when James didn’t know yet… On the other, Gina knew, and she could do with as much support as she could get. Inside her chest, she felt a little bubble of joy when she saw her sister’s car outside and the lights on in the window, and she was pleased with the decision she’d made.
“Lee!” Beth exclaimed as soon as she opened the door. “Come in!”
“Sorry for just dropping by,” Lee said, closing the door behind her and slipping her shoes off. “I had to go to Bristol and just thought I’d say hello.”
“You know you’re welcome any time, sis,” Beth said, clicking the kettle on. “Coffee?”
Lee nodded. “Thanks.”
“How are you doing? Sorry, I know I keep saying I’ll come down to Totnes and then - well, things get crazy and I don’t.”
Lee laughed. “Don’t worry, I know what it’s like!” She glanced round the living room, marvelling at how different her state of mind was today than the last time she had been here. “Things… things are good,” she said, wondering at how entirely true that statement was. Things seemed quite messed up… but she couldn’t bring herself to feel too miserable about it all. That feeling that the world was falling down around her seemed to have calmed now… she just needed to discuss things with James. If everything could work out with him, then things would be really good.
“What were you doing in Bristol?” Beth asked, passing her a mug of coffee.
“Collecting my things… It was time.”
Beth raised her eyebrows. “Wow. That’s…final.”
“It was already final, to be honest. The divorce is in progress, I’ve decided I’m staying in Devon for the foreseeable future - it’s crazy for the stuff I want to be sat in Bristol, at risk of being chucked out or forgotten about.”
“How are you feeling?”
“It was strange,” Lee admitted. “Going back in there, after everything. There were so many things I just didn’t want anymore, now that everything’s changed.”
“And how’s the gorgeous police officer?” Beth asked with a cheeky grin.
Lee smiled as she thought of James - despite the complications tha
t were arising, the thought of seeing him this evening made her feel a little giddy. “He’s good. Things between us… well, it’s complicated. I hope it’s all going to work out - I really hope it will. But if it doesn’t, I won’t regret it happening in the first place.” She felt her eyes growing wet and blinked to try to hide it. Even though she meant every word, contemplating that things might not work out was a very painful prospect.
Beth reached out to squeeze her hand. “I’m sure things will work out.”
Despite Beth not knowing the possible complications that lay in their path, Lee appreciated the gesture all the same. “Thanks, Beth.”
***
After an hour of catching up on the news from their lives - minus one notable announcement - Lee said her goodbyes and headed down the A38 with promises to meet up very soon in either Totnes or Exeter. She knew she needed to get her head together before she saw James that evening. The fact that he wanted to take her on a date presumably suggested that he wasn’t wanting to tell her he was still in love with Lottie and was running away with her or anything - but then she had been left reeling by a man’s decisions before. Whatever he wanted to do, she knew she needed to tell him about the baby - but it had to be handled right. She was not going to use this pregnancy to make him commit if that was not what he wanted.
She was quite pleased to find the flat empty when she returned home, saving her from having to relay the details of her trip again quite so soon. She had managed to get herself into a fairly calm state as she drove, with an idea in her mind of the words she might use to drop this bombshell onto James. Luckily, she had the car until the following day and so wasn’t in any rush to start emptying it out. In fact, she locked it and didn’t remove a single box, instead choosing to change for her date. Without knowing where they were going, she picked a nice pair of black jeans, black ankle boots and a floaty long-sleeved top that shimmered a little in the light. She took her time over her make-up, wanting to look and feel good for a night that threatened to have her stomach tied in knots. It was as she was putting on a bold red lipstick that a wave of sickness hit her and she dashed to the kitchen in search of some plain food that might keep the feeling at bay. She had belatedly realised that she had forgotten to eat since breakfast - and that certainly wasn’t going to help matters.
Dead on seven o’clock, the doorbell rang.
“Hey,” he said, stood there in black jeans and a pale blue shirt that was open at the collar. His smile made Lee pause for a second, and as he leant in to kiss her she realised she had been assuming he would say goodbye, assuming that this wonderful experience was all going to be over.
He pulled away after a moment and looked slightly stunned to see tears in her eyes. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Lee reassured him, delicately wiping the tears away with the corner of a tissue and taking his hand. “It’s just been a long day.”
***
It was a thirty minute drive to their destination, and on that journey they chatted about work, about Lee’s visit to Bristol and about the weather - but not about Lottie, and definitely not about the pregnancy. The closest they got was James asking if she was definitely feeling better - she brushed this off without much of a response, not wanting to lie to him but also not wanting to get into that conversation in the car.
It had been dark for a while already and the winter’s sky was an inky blue, peppered with stars and the flashing lights of a passing aeroplane. It seemed that both of them were keen to save any serious discussion until they were sat down and able to see each other face to face, and so they parked in fairly comfortable silence.
At the top of the sweeping driveway was a large building that Lee presumed was a hotel. It had floor-to-ceiling glass windows across most of the front of the building, looking out onto the bay - at least, she presumed that was the sea she could hear lapping gently beneath them. It was too dark to see properly, and James suddenly seemed to realise that as they approached the front door.
“I thought this would be a great spot because the views are incredible… but I guess I didn’t factor in that it would be dark.”
Lee reassured him that it was still beautiful - and it was. As they were shown to a table in the hotel’s restaurant, she could see the twinkling lights of a lighthouse and a few boats out on the water, and away from any real bright lights the stars were amazing to behold.
A single candle was lit on the table between them, and they were offered the wine list.
“I’ll have a sparkling water, please,” James said. “White, Lee?”
“No, just a lemonade please.”
He waited until the waiter had left to query it. “Are you still not feeling great? You shouldn’t have let me drag you out if you’re still feeling rotten, I would have understood.”
“No, no, I just don’t fancy it,” she said.
James took a deep breath, and reached forward to take one of her hands.
“I want to say sorry,” he said, and Lee could feel nerves bubbling up inside her. “I shouldn’t have just left the other day, after you told me you’d seen Lottie.”
“I understand,” Lee said. “You needed to clear your head. It makes sense.”
“But it made it seem like any possibility with Lottie was more important than the relationship I have with you - and that’s not the case. Not at all.”
Lee smiled a little. “That’s good to know.”
“I went to see her - she was staying at her mum’s, so not hard to find.”
“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to…”
“But I do want to. If you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind,” Lee said softly. “I’m glad you want to share.”
“I went round there, because I didn’t want the idea of her hanging over everything in my life. She’s visiting her mum, and considering moving back here for good.” He swallowed, then took a drink from his glass of water that had arrived moments before. “She said she’d made a mistake - that we could start over again and make it work between us.”
Lee felt as though she had been dunked into an ice cold pool of water. She couldn’t quite breathe, and she couldn’t quite think - she felt as though she was holding her breath, waiting for his response to this audacious request.
“And I told her that I’ve moved on, and that it wouldn’t work. I told her I’m happy with someone else - and I’m sorry, because I know we said we were taking things slowly, that there was no real commitment - but Lee, I want to make decisions based on you. I want to commit to you. I don’t want anyone else.”
In a sudden rush, Lee let the breath go and felt as though she could laugh, or cry, or possibly a bit of both. “Are you sure?” she asked, hating herself for asking but knowing she had to. “That’s a massive thing, being offered a chance to change history.”
“History can’t be changed, Lee. We’d be rehashing something that obviously didn’t work - something I don’t want anymore.”
Lee squeezed his hand and found that words weren’t that easy to come by.
“Are you ready to order?” The waited had returned, and Lee belatedly realised she hadn’t even taken a look at the menu. She quickly scanned it for something plain that would be unlikely to trigger any sickness, and plumped for a tomato soup and a risotto.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured, Lee. I’ll stick by what we said, I promise - I won’t rush you.”
Lee took a deep breath in, closed her eyes for a second and then met his gaze with determination to share what was on her mind.
“The thing is, James, I’m not sure not rushing will be an option any more. Well, if…” Things were coming out a bit garbled, and she couldn’t blame him for looking a little confused. “When I was ill, last week… I ended up going to the doctors. Well, the old woman who owns the sweet shop made me, after I was sick outside their shop.” Not an image she particularly wanted James to have of her, she realised too late.
“I didn�
�t know, Lee - I would have come and got you-”
“I know that, James - but here’s the thing. I went to the doctors and - well. It wasn’t a bug. I know this wasn’t planned, and it’s so much quicker than I could have ever imagined, and there is no pressure on you if this is all too much but - I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant?”
“About seven weeks,” she confirmed.
“Pregnant.” She didn’t think it needed a response, and so she sat for a few minutes, letting him digest this monumental news.
When it had been silent for a little while, she felt compelled to speak again; “I’ve wanted a baby for a long time, James. Not that I planned this - god, that sounds awful. But I couldn’t get rid of it - I just couldn’t. And I would love to do this with you - but I know I’m thrusting a whole world, and a whole new life on you that you have no real say in, and I won’t hate you if it’s too much. I promise.”
The South West Series Box Set Page 23
