Jamal chuckled as he tugged on gray sweat pants over his shorts. “Good luck.”
“Dad!”
“Tracey, get out of our kitchen! You don’t need to be fooling around in there,” Pernell called from the living room.
She yelled back. “Your recycling bin, Dad. What’s with all the Pepsi bottles?”
“‘‘Cause that’s what Pop-pop likes to drink!” Brianna called out.
“That’s right, sugar, you tell your mama for me!” Pernell laughed.
Tracey stood in the middle of the kitchen floor of Pernell and Uncle Ray’s row house in North Philly, surveying the landscape. It should be against the law to allow two sixty-something bachelors to live in the same house unless they had enough money for a housekeeper. In addition to the empty Pepsi bottles overflowing from the recycling bin onto the floor, a stack of cardboard pizza boxes leaned against the battered green trash can in the corner. The room smelled stale, but at least it didn’t have the stench of rotting garbage.
She held her breath as she opened the refrigerator and peered inside. She didn’t need to though. Nothing in it besides an open box of baking soda, ketchup, mustard, and soy sauce bottles, and Pepsi and Mountain Dew. No milk, lean protein, fruit, or vegetables.
Tracey ambled back to the living room where Brianna grinned as her Pop-pop set up a small black card table so they could enjoy their favorite activity together: Pop-pop teaching Brianna how to play cards.
Tracey watched and waited as Brianna set up her own folding chair, climbed up on it and rolled up her sleeves. Their routine was always the same. Her dad would deal the cards and he would attempt to teach Brianna how to play: usually Uno, followed by several rounds of I Declare War. Then he would grab a plastic bag of nickels and dimes and try to teach Brianna how to play Tonk. She usually giggled the whole time and never learned anything except that her grandfather loved her smile.
“Dad?”
“Yes, baby?” He snapped the rubber band off the deck of Uno cards and started shuffling.
“Soda and pizza? That all you’re eating around here?”
He shrugged, dealt cards and winked at Brianna who was wiggling in her seat, anxious to start their game. “You know we aren’t hardly in here. I eat breakfast at the spot on the corner before I go in to work. And the cooks come into Ray’s Place on the weekends, so I eat platters when I go there.”
“I’m hoping those platters come with vegetables?”
“Oh, you know Towanda makes the collards so good they make you want to slap a homeless person.”
“Ooh,” Brianna giggled. “Pop-pop said you could slap a homeless person!”
“That’s a figure of speech. You’re not supposed to slap anyone!” Tracey raised an eyebrow at her smiling father.
“Baby, don’t worry about me. I’m getting by. Once a week, Julia stops past and makes us some dinners for the week. It’s not always this empty in here.”
“Dad, your doctor recommended a balanced diet for you. Low cholesterol. More fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Lean protein. Remember?”
Pernell nodded, laying down a Draw Four card and changing the color to blue. “I’ve got the information sheets in my room. I never seem to have the time to read it all.”
“Dad, you’re going to have to make the time.”
He reached over and tickled Brianna, who had crossed her arms and made a face after he slapped a Draw Two on top of the pile.
“You like playing with your grand baby?” Tracey asked.
“I love it.”
“You won’t be able to play cards with her anymore if you have a stroke.”
Pernell sat back in his chair, arms folded across his belly. Tracey watched him as he gazed at Brianna. She watched him take in the smooth brown twisted braids with navy blue barrettes on the ends. Deep set eyes and missing front tooth grin. He sighed and nodded.
Tracey felt for Pernell. She hadn’t come over that evening to lecture him but to spend time and let him clown around with Brianna. Still, no way could she ignore what she saw in that kitchen. It made her stomach turn to think breakfast for her father would be cold pizza and Pepsi out of a plastic tumbler.
She reached out and rubbed his shoulder. “You need a wife.”
“I had one,” He frowned as he leaned up to get back in the game. “I gave her all I had to give and it still wasn’t enough to keep her away from the bottle. I’m not capable of loving anyone like that again in life.” He winked at Brianna. “UNO!”
Why was love so draining? Because there was no way to avoid becoming attached to an imperfect person, no way to provide them with everything they needed for success in life. But giving up on a marriage meant what? Living without love, without anyone to help balance a budget or pay a mortgage off before old age set in. Lonely nights. Dirty dishes.
Cold pizza washed down with Pepsi and no one around to care.
17
“Mommy, hurry up!” Brianna called.
Tracey scurried down the church hallway with her right hand gripping Brianna’s hand and her left arm cradling her purse and Bible as Brianna rushed them toward the Rise Theatre.
“Girl, why are we running?” Tracey asked.
“There’s a worship band this morning! We get to play the tambourines and shakers! I want a tambourine!” Brianna weaved her way around families and friends greeting each other in the main hall.
Tracey breathed a sigh of relief when they finally reached the theatre at the end of the corridor. Brianna bolted for the glass door to the theatre and ushered herself inside and down the stairs. Tracey shook her head as she signed the attendance sheet at the desk. Sunday school and children’s worship had sure come a long way. When Tracey was little and made trips to church with Aunt Zee’s family, children’s church was a basement affair with rickety chairs and ditto sheets handed out by a church volunteer. Dry cookies at snack time and several choruses of “Jesus Loves Me” before praying and leaving. Brianna’s worship experience at Rise? A full-fledged children’s worship service in a small carpeted theatre with surround sound, flashing lights, and a contemporary Christian band. Twenty-something youth pastors and their assistants in jeans and Scripture-scrawled t-shirts ushered the under-fourteen crowd through praise and worship, testimony, prayer, giving, a Scripture lesson, and a message.
She’d finished signing in Brianna when Tyler tapped her on the shoulder. He’d been a few yards behind her the whole time.
“Same place as always?” Tracey asked him.
“Yeah. Meet you right outside the main sanctuary when we’re done,” Tyler said before turning and heading toward two male figures standing six feet away from him—his friends, Jonathan and Bryce.
“See you later.” Tracey watched him walk away. In the past month they’d had two more discussions about his moving up to New York with Kyle, and he hadn’t changed his mind. But anything could happen before he packed up and went away for the summer.
With Brianna signed in at children’s church and Tyler sitting with his friends in the balcony, Tracey headed to the sanctuary. Her Bible dropped to the floor with a thud when she suddenly bumped hard against a solid muscled chest. The crash took her breath away.
“What the … ” Tracey cha-cha stepped backwards, shook her head, blinked and found herself staring at Brian.
“Kids are all settled, right?” He stared down at her.
“Yes, but—”
“Then come on,” Brian said firmly.
He reached down, scooped up her Bible in a flash, handed it back to her and grasped her hand, jerking it so hard she figured he meant business. Tracey’s mouth dropped open but she couldn’t find any words. Where did he come from? She’d left him at the house because he’d said he wanted to sleep in that morning. Now he popped up at Rise wearing wrinkled jeans and a polo shirt, pulling her behind him fast enough for her to understa
nd something was wrong. Tracey dropped her head rather than meet the eyes of the people they zipped past. She had no choice but to dart along behind him, becoming more infuriated by the second.
“You’re not going to service this morning,” He growled, holding open the glass front door for her.
Really? Like he even needed to tell her. She’d figured it out already, considering the vice grip he had on her hand.
Outside Tracey quickly breathed in the dewy grass scent of the late May morning. She breathed out. She breathed in again. The oxygen flowing down to the pit of her stomach gave her the strength to snatch her hand away from him and double-step backwards so he had to turn toward her to grab her hand again. She caught his eye and fixed him with a fierce if-you-grab-me-again-you’ll-see-the-white-light and the-gates-of-heaven-today look.
“Don’t touch me!” She stumbled back again.
Fire in his eyes, he dropped his arms to his sides and stayed in one spot, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
Stay calm and cool, Tracey. “You better give me a good reason why you dragged me out here!”
Brian’s nostrils flared. Jaws tight. “A reason?”
She rubbed her arms through the sleeves of her white silk blouse. “Yes, a reason!”
“All right.” He stepped in close enough to kiss her. “Ten thousand dollars missing from our bank account! Is that a good enough reason?”
Suddenly the damp May air seemed a lot less fresh and much more chilling. She backed away from him once more. Rubbed her manicured hands together. Bit her lip and tasted lip gloss. So he found out. Gee. Bizarre to be on the other side of the table of deception.
“Is this how you fight back, Tracey? Stealing from us?”
“I didn’t steal anything. I was going to tell you!”
“When, huh? After you’d spent your way through all our savings?” He pointed at her. “I should have known. Look at you. Where’d you get that skirt? And that silk shirt? And I didn’t buy you those silver bracelets.”
Two people passed Tracey and Brian as they stood at the top of the steps. Tracey shut her mouth and willed herself not to look in their faces. Her cheeks burned hot, her skin itched and her scalp prickled with heat.
Deep breath. Seven counts. Good girl. “Can we go and talk about this like adults?”
Brian was silent as he turned and stalked down the steps and into the parking lot. She followed a few yards behind him. Easy steps. Maintain enough distance. Far enough that if he decided he didn’t want to remain civil, she had a split-second chance to run.
Brian opened the passenger side door of his car, let her drop inside, slammed it shut and race-walked to the driver’s side.
He dropped into the driver’s seat in a flash. “So what happened to the money?”
“Can you at least drive us out of here? Someplace where we can talk privately?”
Brian turned the key in the ignition, backed out of the parking spot, and drove out of the lot. Tracey kept her lips sealed to allow the angry energy to die down as he drove them away from the church. She rubbed at the goose bumps that refused to go away on her forearms. She should have brought her trench coat, or at least a pashmina to throw around her shoulders, but this was no time to think about that.
He stopped the car two blocks away, right next to a small children’s park. Tracey jumped out and headed to a park bench.
Brian came and sat next to her. “Ten thousand dollars! I’ve seen the online bank records. And you’re walking around the house each day like nothing’s wrong!” He whistled. “Just tell me … I can handle it. Is there another man in the picture?”
“Are you nuts?” Tracey felt like punching him. She’d never been unfaithful to anyone in her life.
“Then what?”
Tracey sighed. “Ma was months behind on her mortgage and probably a few weeks away from getting an official foreclosure notice. Jamal couldn’t get out and work as much as he needed because his car was busted. I figured I’d help him to get his transmission fixed.”
“All of that couldn’t have been ten thousand dollars! Ma’s house mortgage isn’t that high, and I know how much transmissions run. And you never said a word to me about your family needing anything! What did you do with the rest?”
“I spent it,” Tracey mumbled.
“What?”
She turned and stared him in the eye. “I spent it.”
Brian shook his head. “On what?”
“Myself.”
He kept shaking his head. “I knew it.”
She might as well go on and hang out all her dirty laundry. “Okay, I should have told you Ma needed help with her house. And Jamal didn’t take the money from me because he didn’t want to owe us. I kept his portion. Before Monday was over, I bought myself some things at the King of Prussia Mall.”
Silence. Tracey stared at Brian for a moment, then turned to gaze at the brightly colored playground equipment. His silence was more unnerving than if he’d been screaming. Tracey’s insides felt glued together and she suddenly hated the silk blouse and black pencil skirt ensemble she wore.
Tracey glanced down at the silver bangles on her wrist. Delicate and pretty. They matched the silver triple ring necklace she had on. She’d bought all of it at the Kenneth Cole store. But the shopping spree which netted her the jewelry, four pairs of Michael Kors skinny jeans, four Ralph Lauren blouses, a Louis Vuitton clutch, two White House Black Market skirts, and three pairs of shoes ̶ only made her feel guilty. Five days later she returned everything to the stores she’d visited, keeping only a few dress items for church and the jewelry, which the store would not accept as a return. She’d stashed the cash back in the white bank envelope and buried it under her worn copy of The Purpose Driven Life inside her nightstand. She’d planned to deposit it to the CD account but hadn’t gotten around to it yet.
He stared her up and down with disgust in his eyes, then he looked away. “You don’t love me,” he said.
Now where was this coming from? “Of course I love you. I’m always here for you.”
“No, you’re not,” he said. “I’m your security blanket. I give you a comfortable lifestyle so you can take care of things for the kids. For the house. For your mom and dad. For yourself.”
“Brian!”
“No.” He cleared his throat and his voice came back stronger. “I love what I do. I love to help people. I work hard day in and day out doing that. But I come home to zero affection or attention. You walk around the house like a robot. And Tyler? He passes in the hallway like a zombie, barely speaking to me. My baby girl is in her room when I leave, asleep when I get home, and dancing and playing with her friends on Saturday afternoon. We’re at church on Sundays. Who’s there for me, Trace? Who?”
Tracey’s mouth flew open to mention his cold demeanor for the last month, but closed her lips before the words could escape. Arguing back and forth competing about who exhibited the worst behavior wouldn’t help. She reached out to touch his shoulder. He brushed her hand away.
“This morning I checked the accounts to see how we’re doing. Money is flowing out like water! Bills for the house. Shopping. Private camps for the summer. Tuition for private school.”
“Kyle pays Tyler’s tuition.”
“I know, but I cover all his extra fees and uniforms. And tuition for Brianna? Why? What kindergartener needs to go to private school? Now you’re paying for housing for your mother and brother and having shopping sprees on the fly? Seriously, do I exist just to bankroll your lifestyle? And if that’s all I’m here for, why did you force me to tell you about what I did with Lisette? Especially since I knew I was wrong and I ended it myself.”
Oh no, he didn’t throw Lisette’s name in her face! Tracey burned to make a nasty comment and send it zinging right back at him. How dare he bring Lisette up? Never mind. Let it go. Tracey’s eyelids throb
bed as his words resonated in her head. He sure was making a big stink about money, but he still hadn’t talked with her about what happened that night at the Starbucks in Target. It seemed like he might never mention it.
Tracey objected. “After Brianna was born you and I agreed it would be best if I stayed home until Brianna entered middle school. I worked when we met and I’ve never had a problem working so if this is about me not spending money and getting a job…”
She stopped talking. Do you want your marriage to get better or worse? Warm partnership or cold pizza in the mornings?
Once again, they teetered on the edge of their relationship. Any words they spoke would be moving pawns in a chess game.
Make the wrong move … too many losses.
Make the right move … be a champion.
Sure, Brian was behaving like a victim, but if she called him on it what would that do except push them further apart? She heard the words loud and clear in her head. I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
The best way out? Follow God’s commands. Be humble. Be repentant.
“Pray with me? Please.” She leaned over and touched his hands. “Lord, in Jesus name, forgive me for taking family money without discussing it. Forgive me for the attention I didn’t give my husband. Forgive me for my rebelliousness. I turn to you and submit to you for I know you will guide me to do what is right. Amen.”
Tracey opened her eyes. Brian was looking right at her, astonishment in his eyes.
“I returned everything except two outfits for church and the jewelry because the store wouldn’t accept the return. And you know about Ma’s mortgage. The rest of the money is in our bedroom and it’s going back to the bank tomorrow. Forgive me. I’m sorry.” She squeezed his hands.
“I forgive you,” he said.
Broken Together Page 13
