by Marie Force
My day at the office is busy with final details for Flynn and Natalie’s trips to Rome and Prague as well as plans for the getaway to Mexico. I order food and beverages for tonight’s party at Flynn’s Hollywood Hills home and coordinate with the event planner about setting up tables by the pool. It’s supposed to be in the low eighties today, so it’ll be a nice night to be outside.
After the word got out about the carnival the foundation wishes to have, I’ve been inundated with offers of properties. Everyone wants to be tied to the worthy cause of feeding hungry kids, and everyone in Hollywood wants to be in Flynn’s good graces after the clean sweep of award season. The sucking up has gotten even more ridiculous than it was before, and that’s saying something. In consultation with Flynn, I narrow down the choices to two estates—one in Calabasas and the other in Pacific Palisades. I make appointments to see both after we return from Mexico.
At about three o’clock, Flynn appears at my door, his smile stretching from ear to ear. “She passed.”
“Of course she did.” I’m thrilled for Natalie, who never had the chance to learn to drive the way regular teenagers do. When Flynn found out she’d never driven a car, he had me apply for a permit with the state of California so he could teach her himself.
“Perfect score.” He’s like a proud papa crowing about his wife.
“Congratulations. Is she here?”
“Nope. She’s on her first solo ride home.” He checks his watch. “And I’m waiting to hear she got there okay.”
“You’re too funny. She’ll be fine, and everything is set for tonight.”
“Thank you.”
“Always a pleasure.”
He comes in and shuts the door, leaning back against it. “Is the plan for later still a go?”
“It is.”
“And you’re sure it’s a wise idea?”
“I’m not sure of anything except that I love him, he loves me, and this one thing is keeping us apart. I’ve got to do something drastic to get us over this hurdle.”
“That one thing isn’t a small thing, Addie. It’s a big thing. It nearly ruined everything for me with Natalie.”
“Because you kept it from her. Why do you guys think the women in your lives can’t handle a little kink?”
He looks up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” He brings his gaze back to me. “First of all, it’s not ‘a little kink.’ It’s a way of life, and it’s not for everyone. Second of all, it’s a totally different proposition when you’re in love with your partner. It raises the stakes to a whole new level, and I’d never been there before Natalie, just like Hayden hasn’t been there before you.”
“I get it. I really do. But I wish he would trust me enough to know I can handle it.”
“How do you know that? Have you done it?”
“No, but—”
“But nothing, Addie. Until you’ve actually been there and done that, you have no idea what you can handle, and neither does he. That’s what’s holding him back. He’s afraid if he shows you the full extent of who he really is as a demanding, bold, sexual dominant, you won’t love him anymore.”
Flynn’s description of Hayden has me tingling in places I never tingle when I’m talking to my boss, who also happens to be one of the sexiest men on the planet. I swallow hard as I try not to let my imagination run wild about the sexiest man on my planet.
“Hayden doesn’t love easily,” Flynn continues, seemingly unaware that he’s set me on fire with his talk of Hayden as a demanding dominant. I wish I had a fan to cool my heated face. “He learned at an early age that love equals pain. I haven’t talked to him about this, but I have no doubt that his biggest fear is losing your love.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I say softly, tears filling my eyes. As if my heart will ever beat the same way for anyone but him.
“I know you want to believe that, but until you know everything, you can’t say that for sure—and neither can he.”
“A lot of things make more sense now. Thank you for spelling it out for me.”
“After some initial hesitation, I’m really pulling for you guys. I think you’d be great together.”
“I do, too.” Or at least I hope so. Hearing Flynn’s take on things, I’m filled with more doubts than I had before, but these doubts are about me rather than Hayden. What if Flynn’s right? What if I can’t take what Hayden is dishing out? What if I can’t be what he wants or needs? What then?
The assistant who has plans for her backup plans has no idea what she would do then.
Chapter 15
The studio loves the name Insidious for the new film, resolving what had become a massive headache for me and the other Quantum principals. I send an email to my partners to let them know the good news, and I copy Addie on the message, giving her full credit for the idea.
I love seeing the flood of responses that congratulate her for doing what people far above her pay grade had failed to do—name the unnamable film.
Insidious. It’s a good word. It certainly describes my lifelong interaction with addiction of all kinds. It also describes my experience thus far with being in love. I looked up the word on Webster’s online dictionary, which defines it as “causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed.”
She snuck under my skin when I wasn’t looking, working her way in so deep I can never get her out, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I’m terrified that the harm, all the harm, will come from me to her, that she’ll be my unsuspecting victim, that she’ll regret giving her heart to a man as fucked up as I can be at times.
I can’t recall a time in my adult life when fear crippled me quite the way it has lately. If anything, I’m known for being somewhat fearless. I don’t dither over the hundreds of decisions I make in a given day. Most of the time, I don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me or whether I piss off the establishment in pursuit of my agenda.
But, God, I care about her. I care about her more than I’ve cared about anyone ever, and that’s what has me so paralyzed that I’m on the verge of losing her before I ever really have her.
Tonight, after the get-together at Flynn’s, I’ll convince her to come home with me. I’ll take her to the place in Malibu where we’re assured of complete privacy, and I’ll begin to indoctrinate her into my lifestyle. I’ll teach her what she needs to know to decide whether it’s for her. At some point during the restless night I spent in my car outside her place, I realized there are degrees of involvement. I don’t have to do everything with her to make her part of it.
I have to do just enough to make her believe I’ve given her everything. The rest can come later or not at all.
I remember when Flynn was falling for Natalie, and he told me he would live without the lifestyle before he’d live without her. I told him I couldn’t do that. I need the control and the dominance too much to ever abandon the lifestyle that has defined me. But now that I’ve had a taste of sweet Addie, I’m no longer so certain. It has begun to settle in on me that I could more easily live without the dominance than I could without her. If you’d asked me that before Oscar night, I would’ve said that no one woman would ever be more important to me than the control.
But now nothing is as black-and-white as it was before that first night with her. I just don’t know anymore what I would pick if faced with a choice—her or the dominance. The thought of living without either of them is unimaginable, which is why so much is riding on tonight. If I can give her a taste and test her reactions, I’ll have a better idea of what might be possible for us.
During the early evening ride to Flynn’s in the Hollywood Hills, I plan a scene that has me rock hard in anticipation. Fucking hell. I’m out of my mind with lust and desire and overwhelming love. It’s a love so big it takes up all the space inside me. It fills me in places I didn’t know were empty until she loved me. All that matters at the end of this day is that she still loves me. I simply can’t bear the alter
native.
I put my desire on ice for the time being. Part one of this evening is about celebrating Natalie. Part two will be about worshiping Addison.
The whole gang is already there when I arrive, carrying the huge bouquet of flowers I picked up for Natalie on the way. Our guest of honor is positively glowing as she greets me with a kiss to the cheek. There was a time, not that long ago, when I wondered if she and I would ever be friends. That time already seems like ages ago. She’s made Flynn so fucking happy, I can’t help but adore her.
“For you.” I hand over the flowers. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you so much, Hayden! They’re gorgeous.”
“You’re welcome. So proud of you, Nat.”
She hugs me tightly. “Thank you.”
“Will you take me for a ride one of these days?”
“She will do no such thing.” Flynn shoves at my shoulder to end the hug. “Get your filthy hands off my wife.”
“Shut up, Flynn,” Nat says, “and go put these in a vase.”
I snort with laughter at how she handles him so perfectly. Watching them, I’m struck by the realization that Addie and I could be like them. We could find a happy medium where she’s my sub in the bedroom, and I’m her slave in life. I could live with that. I seek her out in the group and find her talking to Marlowe and Leah and Flynn’s sister Ellie, but she’s looking at me, which brings an unreasonable amount of comfort.
Over the happy shouts of Flynn’s nieces and nephews in the pool, our eyes meet, and I can’t look away. I can’t see anyone but her. The moment is broken when Flynn’s parents arrive and his dad claps me on the back.
“I understand Insidious is the word of the day,” Max Godfrey says in his big booming voice.
I force myself to look away from Addie to focus on Max. “You understand correctly.”
“Perfection,” Max says.
“Tell Addie. It was her idea.”
“I shall do that.”
“Hayden,” Stella Flynn says when she joins her husband and me. “We heard your mother is in the hospital. Is she all right?”
“She’s fine after a nasty bout of food poisoning, and as of four o’clock this afternoon, she’s home. She kicked me out so she could get some sleep.”
“Thank goodness she’s all right,” Stella says, gripping my arm.
I cover her hand with mine. “It’s okay, Stel. You can say what you really mean. Thank goodness it was only food poisoning.”
“That, too,” she says with a warm smile. The Godfreys were close friends with my parents back in the day, before everything in my family went to shit, before my parents’ epically ugly divorce and my mother’s slide into addiction put a wedge between them and most of the people in their lives—including me.
We eat and drink—well, they do, I abstain because I want my wits about me for later—and we celebrate Natalie. Flynn makes a big production out of presenting her with the keys to his silver Mercedes sedan, which is now hers.
Watching them, I feel a kernel of hope take root deep inside of me. If they can make it work, why can’t we?
My partners are thrilled with the title we’ve settled on for the new film, and when we’re all sitting around the outdoor fireplace after a delicious steak dinner, Jasper makes a toast to Addie, who “saved our arses” with her great idea.
She blushes in embarrassment, but her eyes sparkle with pleasure at the well-deserved attention.
“Does anyone else love the way ‘saved our arses’ sounds so filthy when he says it?” Ellie Godfrey says.
“Me,” Leah says, raising her hand.
The other women, including Addie, follow suit.
Jasper flashes a leering smile and waggles his brows. “I got a lot of filthy words where those came from, ladies.”
Everyone else laughs, but I notice Ellie watching him the same way I imagine I look at Addie. I’d be much more interested in wondering what’s going on there if I didn’t have my own dragons to slay.
“So who else is counting the days until we leave for Mexico?” Kristian asks.
A chorus of “me” follows his question.
“I am so ready for a fucking break,” Kristian says. “We can’t keep up this pace.”
“You wimping out on us, old man?” Flynn asks.
“Hardly,” Kristian drawls, “but you’ve got to admit the last couple of years have been rather punishing.”
“I can see how all that Oscar gold would be a major drag,” Addie says, drawing laughs from everyone.
Kristian raises his glass to her. “Touché.”
“I agree with Kris,” Marlowe says. “I’m ready for a vacation. The Mexico trip couldn’t come at a better time.”
“Glad you agree,” Flynn says. “Addie gets all the credit for throwing it together.”
“That’s shocking,” Jasper says in a teasing tone. “And here I thought you were doing this for us.”
“Har-har,” Flynn says. “As if.”
We all have a good laugh at Flynn’s expense, which is one of our favorite things to do. He says we keep him humble, and we say someone has to. The truth is, his fame has never gone to his head. In many ways, he’s exactly the same guy he was before his career took off.
I give the party another hour before I’m ready to ask Addie to give me one more chance. I intend to make this chance count, except I can’t find her. She’s not in the house or out by the pool. “Where’s Addie?” I ask Flynn when I’ve done a thorough search and come up empty.
“Oh, she left a while ago.”
I can’t believe she actually left without having said a single word directly to me while we were there. Has it really come to that? “Where’d she go?”
“She didn’t say, just that she had an appointment.”
“Who has appointments at ten at night? What’ve you got her doing?”
“It’s not for me. I have no idea where she went.”
Marlowe and Natalie come into the kitchen, bearing plates and glasses from the pool deck.
“Do you guys know where Addie went?” I ask them.
They exchange glances.
Marlowe is the first to look at me. “Um, well, I know, but she asked me not to tell you.”
“She specifically said, ‘Don’t tell Hayden’?”
Marlowe looks at Natalie, who nods.
“That’s what she said,” Natalie confirms.
“Then you definitely ought to tell me.” I can feel my blood pressure rising by the second.
Marlowe considers that. “Hmm, well, I suppose we could—”
“No, Marlowe,” Natalie says. “She told us not to.”
“I don’t care what she said! Fucking tell me! Right now!”
“Watch how you’re talking to my wife, man,” Flynn says.
“Sorry,” I mutter and force myself to chill the fuck out so I can get them to tell me what I need to know. “Please, I need to find her. I have to tell her… I… Please.” I can’t believe I’m about to break down in front of them, but that’s what’s going to happen if someone doesn’t tell me what I need to know. Right. Fucking. Now.
“You know Devon Black?” Marlowe asks.
All the oxygen leaves my body in a big whoosh that has my head spinning and my heart racing. I fucking know Devon Black. “What about him?”
“She’s gone to Black Vice for—”
I have no idea how that sentence ends, because I’m out of there the second I hear the words Black Vice. I swear to God, if Devon Black lays one finger on her, I’m going to rip his fucking head off and shove it up his motherfucking ass.
Flynn comes after me, calling my name, but I ignore him and tear out of his driveway as if the hounds of hell are chasing me. The only thing I can process at the moment is the all-consuming need to get to Addie before it’s too late. If she lets Black or anyone else touch her, I won’t be responsible for what I do.
I know exactly where Black’s place is because I’ve been a guest there. He’s a friend, o
r at least I thought he was. If he’s training Addie—
Christ, I’m going to be sick, but I don’t have time for that, not when she’s got at least a half-hour head start on me. When I think about what can happen in thirty minutes at a BDSM club, my entire body is gripped with agonizing pain. This is my fault. It’s my own fucking fault that she’s gone somewhere else for what I wouldn’t give her.
I take the hairpin curves on the road that leads back to town going much faster than I should, but I can’t bring myself to slow down. Not when Addie might be doing something foolish and risky.
Black’s a good guy, I tell myself. He won’t let anything happen to her. But he might touch her or let someone else touch her, and that would count as something happening to her—something that shouldn’t happen with anyone but me. I push on the accelerator, endangering myself and anyone who has the misfortune of sharing the road with me. I’ll take the time to feel badly about that later, after she’s safely back in my arms where she belongs.
Thank God Black’s place isn’t far from Flynn’s. I pull up the long driveway twelve minutes after I leave Flynn’s, my tires screeching when I come to an abrupt stop. “Leave it right there,” I say to the valet. “I’m not staying.” I push past him through the main door.
A woman runs after me. “Sir, excuse me! You can’t go in there!”
Devon Black comes through the doors that lead into the club.
“It’s fine, Melanie. Mr. Roth is my guest.”
“Where is she?”
“Who’re you looking for, Hayden?”
“Addison York. I know she’s here.” I head toward the doors that lead into the club, but he stops me with a hand to my chest. “Don’t fuck with me, Black. That’s my woman in there, and anyone who touches her is a dead man.”
“My club, my rules. Now unless you’d like to be physically removed from the premises, I suggest you calm the fuck down.”
“I’m not calming down until I see her.”
“Come with me.” He takes me by the arm and jerks me toward a doorway to the right of the main doors. We enter a dark corridor, and I’m afraid of where it will lead. We stop at a large window that looks down upon a room where Addie is seated at a table across from a man. She’s wearing a black silk robe, and her hair is tied back in a ponytail as she pores over paperwork.
