by Lili Zander
An unpleasant thought slams into me, robbing me of my breath. “Is that why you slept with me? Because you felt sorry for me?”
“What?” Her mouth falls open. “No, you colossal idiot. I’m not running a fucking charity out of my pussy. I slept with you because I wanted to.”
“Oh.” I run my hands through my hair, relief leaving me weak-kneed. “Okay. I’m glad. I mean, I want you too, of course, so that’s good that you…” I’m blabbering. I’m making myself cringe. Before I can embarrass myself even further, I shut my mouth.
She stares at my face. “You have no idea. You’re fucking gorgeous, and you have no clue, do you? How do you not know? Women must have thrown themselves at you your entire life.”
“In the High Empire? I was created in a laboratory. I don’t have a family. I don’t have a House. You know why women wanted to sleep with me? They wanted to know if I had a penis, and if it worked. That’s it. I am a curiosity, nothing more. The type you fuck, but not the type you keep.”
I’m blabbering again. I’m telling her too much. I’m tearing open my chest, and handing her a knife, pointed straight at my heart.
“Were you curious?” I ask.
“About your penis?”
A laugh tears out of me. “About the things you overheard. The warlord, the deaths. The people I failed to protect.” I sink onto a nearby couch, pushing Pumpkin out of the way. The floof gives me an offended look and stalks off to rub himself against a nearby failut rock.
“Yes,” she admits. “But only because you sounded so shattered.” She attempts a small smile. “The Danek I know is always in control.”
“You, more than most, know exactly how it goes.” I shrug. There’s nothing special about me. Millions of people deal with trauma, day after day. The universe doesn’t stop for them. The universe stops for no one. “You wake up. You walk around. You build a bridge back to normalcy, brick by brick, and it’s eventually strong enough to sustain you.”
Pestilence jumps into my lap and demands petting. I do her bidding while gathering my thoughts. “I have some ability to convince people to do what I want them to do. I don’t like doing it.” I grimace. “It never seemed right to me to deprive people of their free will. Of course, the High Empire had different ideas. My gift was too powerful to leave unused.”
She sits next to me and laces her fingers in mine. “What happened?” she asks softly.
“Koval.” I close my eyes and the Draekon springs into view. Young, bright-eyed, and hopeful. “The six of us, the Crimson Force, were made in a lab, but that’s a very expensive way to make Draekons. It’s far cheaper to make younglings the natural way. The scientists found some women—”
“Found?”
“Found. Kidnapped. It was all the same to them.”
Her face goes pale. “I shouldn’t be surprised,” she murmurs. “Not after everything they did to us. They kidnapped some women and then what?”
“They implanted the Draekon gene in embryos, and let nature do the rest. Sixteen years later, they had their first crop of soldiers. Koval was one of them.”
She surveys me silently. “You liked him.”
She’s dangerously perceptive. “He reminded me of a younger version of myself,” I admit. I’ve never said that to anyone, not even to my brothers. “Koval wasn’t a very good soldier.”
“Why?”
“He asked questions. Difficult questions. He wanted to know why it was his job to fight for the High Empire. He wanted to know why, when we were as sentient as any Zorahn in the High Empire, we were slaves and they were our masters. He wanted to know why he couldn’t choose his own destiny.”
“And?”
“He came to me. We talked for hours, and when we were done, I’d made him rebel. I’d talked him into it.”
She must hear the despair in my voice, because she squeezes my hand tight. I take a deep breath and continue. “Koval wasn’t a strategist. He just didn’t have the experience. I, on the other hand, did. He asked me to be their warlord, and I agreed.”
“You said you failed.” She slants me a glance. “Something stopped you. What was it?”
“Why do you think something stopped me? Don’t you think I would change my mind? That I would look at the danger involved and decide it wasn’t worth it?”
“Please.” She rolls her eyes. “This planet is terrible for you, there’s no sign there’s ever going to be a prison here, your brothers have told you to leave, and you’re still here. You’re not the type that walks away.” Her voice softens. “What happened?”
“We got sent away, all six of us, to deal with an ‘emergency.’ I don’t know what Koval heard, but something made him believe that I wasn’t on his side any longer.” I sigh. “When Mirak talked to First on Avela, First claimed responsibility for that. I don’t know that I believe him, not that it matters. The rebellion went ahead without me, and they failed. Koval was executed. In the end, it took the High Empire more than a year to hunt down and slaughter all the Draekons they’d created.” I stare into the distance. “I failed him, Naomi. I failed them all.”
She looks at me with so much understanding in her eyes that it hurts. “We used to live in the city, Will and I. I was the one who wanted to move to the country. We bought an old farmhouse and we were going to renovate it together. I made our commutes longer. If it wasn’t for me, Will would have never hit that patch of ice. Was his death my fault?”
I know where she’s going, and I don’t like it. “No. But this isn’t the same thing, I should have—”
She puts her finger on my lips, stopping the flow of words. “Did you know it was a trap?”
“No.”
“Could you have predicted it was a trap? And don’t answer it from your heart; your heart is filled with guilt. Answer it from your mind.”
I hesitate. Could I have really known? I was with my brothers, and they’re not fools. Even if I’d missed a warning sign, they wouldn’t have. None of us suspected that anything was amiss. “No.”
She rests her head on my shoulder. The smell of her hair fills my nostrils. Her presence against my side is warm and comforting. “It wasn’t your fault, Danek, any more than it was my fault that Will died. Life is random. Sometimes, shit happens, and good people die too young. You can either spend the rest of your life blaming yourself, or you can mourn Koval, but honor his death by letting yourself live.”
She’s not telling me anything that Kadir or Ruhan or Mirak or Sixth hasn’t said. But it’s different this time, because Naomi is my mate, and because I love her, and because she’s been forced to build her own bridge, and because she knows exactly what I’m going through. Her words wash over me like an absolution. “Thank you,” I whisper.
Her lips curve into a smile. “You’ve really never used your powers on me? Why not? I thought you didn’t want me on this mission.”
“I won’t take away your free will. If I made your choices for you, how would I be any different from the scientists that tortured you?” I stare at our entwined fingers, absently stroking the back of her palm with my thumb. “I never want to risk your safety, Naomi. But there’s a line that I won’t cross.”
She’s here. She’s sitting next to me. She’s staying where she is, and maybe she finally sees how important she is to me.
You’ve shown her how you feel, now tell her. Tell her you love her. Tell her she’s your mate. Tell her how much she matters to you.
I have faced hostile armies easier. I tighten my grip on her hand. “Naomi, I—”
My comm chimes a warning, and Director Lashi’vi, the Cindifin Fourthborn, materializes in front of me. “Safety Inspector Danek,” she greets me formally. “My apologies for this intrusion, so late into the night. But an emergency has arisen.”
The hair on the back of my neck rises. “An emergency? Is one of the domes compromised?”
“Not exactly.” Her gaze darts around the room, but I have the comm set to projection-mode, and so she doesn’t see Naomi. �
��May we talk in confidence?”
“I’m alone,” I lie. Whatever she has to say can be said in front of my mate. “Please continue.”
“There is a new dome north of the encampment,” she says. “It’s out of range of most of the skimmers. It has never been inspected.” She draws in a deep breath. “I need you to inspect it.”
Every instinct warned me to stay, and here at last is the break I need.
The prison. Finally.
25
Naomi
It wasn’t right for me to accuse Danek of lying to me. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. It didn’t come from a place of healing. It came from a place of fear.
Because I am afraid. I’m forty and he’s gorgeous. I’m broken, and he’s damaged too, but while I respond to stress by blacking out and waking up in the bathtub, he deals with his emotions by being the most competent guy in the room. He’s my pillar. He’s the hand that pulled me out of the darkness.
And if I cling to him, I could pull him under.
So many conflicting emotions run through my mind. Hopes and fears, dreams and nightmares. Can I take a chance? Can I risk my heart?
I can’t deal with any of that right now. I have to put it all on hold, because Director Lashi’vi is on the comm, and we finally have something tangible to work with.
Danek told her he was alone. I keep silent and listen to the conversation.
“A new dome?” he asks. “I didn’t see anything on the schematics—”
“This one isn’t on the schematic,” she cuts in. “It isn’t connected to the main encampment.”
He frowns, playing the role of bureaucratic safety inspector to perfection. “Regulations state that all domes must be networked together. There must be tunnels connecting them so that residents will be able to evacuate in case of a catastrophic failure.” He looks up at her. “This seems most irregular, Director Lashi’vi.”
Where’s he going with this?
If the Cindifin director is thrown by Danek’s objection, she doesn’t show any sign of it. She leans back in her chair. “You’re a newly bonded man, Danek,” she murmurs. “I see from your files that after this job, you want to settle down in Maarish. Your bondmate has a job waiting at the House of Degha, isn’t that right?” She surveys him with eyes that reveal nothing. “Have I mentioned that the House of Degha does a lot of business with Cindifin?”
I don’t have to be from the High Empire to recognize the threat.
Lashi’vi’s voice softens. “Maarish is expensive. Credits don’t go as far there as they do in the Uncharted Reaches.”
Ah. First the stick. Now, the carrot. If I’m not mistaken, she’s trying to bribe him. Evidently, humans and Zorahns have more than a few things in common. And what would a safety inspector do when asked by a high-ranking House member to do something that is not quite on the up-and-up? Register his objections so he can pretend to be honest, and still take the bribe.
That’s exactly what happens.
“Indeed,” Danek agrees levelly. “Maarish is expensive, and my bondmate has expressed a desire to live in the capital. I’d do anything to make Naomi happy, but I can’t figure out how I’m going to be able to afford that.”
For the next little bit, the two of them haggle. That’s really the only word to describe it. Their sentences are obliquely phrased, and they beat about the bush, but basically, they’re negotiating the payment. Finally, after about ten minutes of back-and-forth, Lashi’vi nods decisively. “Done,” she announces. “Half the credits have been transferred from my private account. Check your device.”
Danek verifies the transaction. “If there is a problem with the dome, I will have to note it,” he warns. “I cannot falsify safety data.”
“I’m not asking you to.” She leans forward. “Quite the opposite. I’m sending you out there for the express purpose of making sure the dome is safe.”
I don’t understand her concern. Actually, I don’t understand any of this. Lashi’vi knows full well that Noturn has adverse effects on the Zorahn. Hell, she probably even knows about the effects it has on Draekons—after all, Kenia works for her. She’s condemning the prisoners to certain madness. Why pretend that she gives a damn about the safety inspection? What is she playing at?
“Good.” Danek consults his tablet. “I have to install new atmospheric regulators in the domes. The ones in there are due for a replacement. That’s scheduled to take four days. I can look at your new dome after that.”
“No,” she blurts out. She takes a deep breath. “That’s too late. You need to go first thing tomorrow morning. I must receive your all-clear by the end of the day. Rearrange your schedule, Safety Inspector. This cannot be delayed. There will be a bonus in it for you.”
“As you wish.”
Oh, clever Danek. Clever, clever Danek. We now know when the prison ship is landing. The day after tomorrow.
I’m positively rubbing my hands together with glee when a sobering realization strikes me.
This is the end of the mission. My time with Danek is almost over.
We should continue our conversation, but by unspoken agreement, we shelve it. We instead head to bed.
And we make love.
This time, unlike the other times, there is no conversation, no banter, no laughter. He undresses me slowly, and I rip his clothes off, desperate to feel his skin against mine. There’s a low rumble deep in his chest as he moves over me and slides inside. My inner walls squeeze down on him, as if even my insides want to hold him tight. I cling to him, and when I find my release, my eyes are wet with tears, and I have to blink them away before Danek notices.
Danek falls asleep shortly afterward, but though I shut my eyes and count sheep after sheep, sleep remains elusive. You know when you burst into tears, cry for hours, and then the aftermath hits? When you’re just flat, all emotions washed away in a storm? That’s how I feel.
I’m normally asleep when he leaves in the morning. Not this time. Uneasy dreams plague my sleep, and at first light, I give up sleep as a lost cause and get out of bed. I head to the kitchen, which smells vaguely like cake, of all the things, and start to make breakfast. No eggs—I still haven’t found an egg-substitute here that works, but I fry up some meat, chop up some potato-like tubers for alien hash browns, and slice up bread for toast.
Danek walks in when the meal is almost ready. “You’re up early,” he says, sounding surprised. He comes up to me and brushes a kiss across my forehead.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I admit, leaning against his chest. “I made breakfast. More human food for you to try.”
“What’s the occasion?”
I pull back. “Seriously?”
He flashes me a reassuring smile. “You’re looking worried,” he murmurs. “Don’t be. All I have to do today is head to the dome, verify there’s a prison, check the dome’s safety, and then come back. The real excitement will happen tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?”
His voice turns grim. “I thought I had a good read on Director Lashi’vi, but she surprised me. Pack your belongings, Naomi. One way or the other, we’ll be evacuating tomorrow.”
When he leaves, I walk around the house. I’ll miss this place. I’ll miss the garden in the back and the park in the front. I’ve only been here for a few short days, and already, it’s felt like home.
It’s not the house. It’s Danek.
Once I’m packed, I make my way to the backyard. I have a book to read—another cozy mystery, another inexplicable murder in Hallowtown—but though it’s as entertaining as it always is, I can’t get into the book. I’m about to give it up as a lost cause when my comm chimes.
My heart speeds up in anticipation, but it’s not Danek. It’s Alice. I banish my disappointment and paste a smile of greeting on my face. “Hey.”
She peers at my face, her hologram inches from the tip of my nose. “Have you been crying?”
Have I? “No.”
“Are you sure? You look dreadfu
l.” She smiles to soften the words of their sting. “No offense.”
“None taken.” I survey her. She’s looking a little green around the edges. “You don’t look so hot either.”
“I hate this colony ship,” she replies. “I’ve never been more seasick in my life. Ugh.”
I’ve never been on a colony ship, but I’ve seen pictures. They’re massive, the spaceship equivalent of mega cruise ships, the ones with a dozen decks, a couple dozen pools, and who-knows-how-many restaurants. I’d have thought that they’d be so stable you wouldn’t even be able to tell you’re in space, but maybe I’m wrong. “That’s a shame. Your healer buddies can’t give you something for it?”
“I haven’t asked,” she mutters. “Forget about that. Tell me why you’re upset.”
I contemplate lying, but to be honest, I could use her perspective. I’m tired of rehashing the issue in my head, and Alice is relentlessly pragmatic. “I’ve been sleeping with Danek.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You don’t look surprised.”
“Should I be?” She gives me an amused smile. “I’m not blind, and the two of you aren’t exactly subtle about mooning after each other.”
“What?”
“Never mind that. Tell me why you’ve been crying.” Her smile fades. “Did he do something? Do I need to kick his ass? Because I will.”
A giggle forces its way out of me. “No, he didn’t do anything. It’s just…” My voice trails away as I try to articulate what’s wrong. “Well, he’s gorgeous, and I’m forty.”
“So what?”
“It won’t last, will it? I mean, we’re sleeping together now because we’ve been forced together. It’s the proximity, as much as anything. But when we’re back at the rebellion, sooner or later, someone younger and prettier will come along, and he’ll realize that I’m too old for him.” I bite my lower lip. The words come out in a rush. “I want it to last.”
“Why wouldn’t it last?” Her forehead furrows. “Has he ever indicated that he wanted anyone else?”
