I pursed my lips. We’d decided that we were going to get together, not that we already weren’t, once Travis was moved out. “I helped Travis move out today. So, I’d love to see you, but only if you’re ready.” I let him figure out the meaning of what I was saying all on his own.
“You mean, he’s gone now so you feel like you could really be with me? We could have sex then?” His voice was soft as if he was thinking about it too.
“We don’t have to,” I was quick to reassure him. “It’s whatever you want to do. When you’re ready.”
I could practically see him rolling his eyes at that.
“I’ve been ready. Yeah, if you want to drive down tonight, I’ve got the stuff so you wouldn’t have to bring anything. See you in a few hours?”
“Sure. See you soon.”
He blew me a kiss and then he was gone, and I was left there, sitting on my couch as I thought about the implications of that phone call. Of the idea that if I went to see him, I’d probably be going to have sex with my boyfriend. My boyfriend who was very much a teenager. And just hours after my ex, who I had loved, had moved out of my house.
I couldn’t do it. I called Dillon back instantly.
“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?” Dillon guessed as soon as he’d picked up.
“Yes. You’re so young and—”
“And my age isn’t going to change. Look, it’s fine. You could come over and just watch movies. Just because one barrier to us having sex is gone, doesn’t mean that we suddenly have to have sex tonight. We’re not going to be having sex every time we see each other from now on. I want you to come down, but if you’re not ready, that’s okay.”
I felt like an idiot listening to a guy half my age walk me through this. “I’m sorry.”
“Because you’re not coming down and you need some time to adjust? Don’t be sorry for that. Travis just moved out. I’m surprised you’re calling me at all. I’d be dancing around my house naked, playing all my favorite music and eating ice cream straight from the carton if I was living with someone and suddenly had my own place again. That’s what I did my first night in my house. Eighteen years of living with my parents, and then my brothers and cousins and my nephew and I was more than ready to be on my own. Take all the time you need.”
I laughed as I thought about him doing exactly what he’d described. I could so easily picture him right there in front of me, sitting on the counter with his shirt off as I’d finished kissing him. “No, I am coming down. Of course I am. I’m saying that I’m sorry for overthinking this. For not trusting you to take care of yourself, too. I get so wrapped up in the idea that I have to be the one to make decisions for you and I have to be the one to keep you safe and here you are, telling me that you’ve got this, and I don’t have to worry so much.”
“Yeah, you really don’t. Sure, I’m younger than you. I get it. But I’ve also been taking care of myself for a while. I don’t need another big brother type figure. I don’t need you to be my sugar daddy. What I’d like you to be though, is my boyfriend.”
I got up and grabbed my wallet and keys. “I’m on my way. Sure I don’t need to pick up anything on the way?” I would have grabbed him anything he wanted, but my mind was on lube and condoms in case we decided, together, to take that step tonight.
“I’m good. Promise. I went to the store yesterday. I’ve got lots of ice cream, frozen pizza and plenty of chocolate. And if you’re thinking about sex essentials, I’ve got us covered there, too. We’ll be fine. Just come down. I rented this new horror movie and I was going to take it over to Gavin’s place so that Kyle and I could watch it together, since I don’t watch horror movies alone, but I’d much rather watch it with you. So hurry up, but still drive safe.”
I was already out the door. “I’ll be there soon.”
He blew me another kiss and then this time I hung up on him.
When I got to Dillon’s house, he was outside. He might have been waiting for me, but I didn’t think so. He looked too wrapped up in the magazine he was reading on his tiny front porch.
“Hey,” I called to him as I got out of my car.
He put the magazine down and smiled at me. “Hey.” He was up a moment later, and then he was in my arms. He was soft and warm, obviously having spent a lot of time outside that afternoon. I kissed him. I’d planned to keep our kisses gentle, but he melted in my arms and I kissed him hungrily as I pushed him up against my car.
I had my hands under his shirt a moment later and I ran my fingers lightly over his scars. He shivered, something he hadn’t done before when I’d touched him. I should have taken him inside but instead I kissed his jaw, and then his throat. I’d missed him, more than I’d realized until the moment I’d had him to myself again.
“I think I’m developing an outdoor sex kink,” he mumbled as I had my mouth against his throat.
“You’ve never had sex,” I reminded him. But I could see the appeal of having him right there in the warm grass in front of his house. We were secluded and I knew no one in his family could have even heard us, much less seen us.
“True, but I can definitely imagine it. You under me, me riding you.”
I pulled back in time to see him lick his lips. His cheeks were red, and his mouth was swollen, and I never wanted to stop touching him. I kissed him again and then I held him close, letting him feel me through my pants, giving him just a hint as to how hard I was for him already. I’d been thinking about him the whole way there, wondering what he’d be like, the sounds he’d make as he lay under me.
“Do you want to right now?” I asked him. I’d barely gotten out of the car, but if he said he wanted to go inside and have sex right now then I would.
“How about after something to eat?” he offered instead.
I nodded. I could handle that.
Later that night I lay there next to him, stroking my hands down his sides. I didn’t mind his scars. I didn’t like them, and I wished that he didn’t have them, but I wasn’t turned off by them either. We’d eaten dinner. We’d watched his horror movie that he’d jumped often at, but I hadn’t been scared once, and now all I could think about was having him.
I brought my hand around to his stomach and played with the button of his jeans. I was hinting, maybe not so subtly, but he wasn’t a subtle person either. He was Dillon, my Dillon actually. He was smart and fearless and fiercely protective over the people he cared about. I kissed his bare shoulder and moved up behind him in his bed. The news was on, not that I was watching it. I was pretty sure that he wasn’t either.
His button was fun to play with. The metal was warm against my fingertips and when I randomly touched his stomach, he shivered a little, and when I kept touching him those little shivers eventually turned into him laughing as I tickled him. But still, I returned to his button while I considered what I wanted, and what I thought he was ready for.
I was still thinking about that button, and everything that would happen between us the moment I undid his pants, when he took the decision away from me. He undid his button himself, and then he laid back and unzipped his pants. Then he put his hands behind his head as he laid there on the bed next to me. His eyebrows were up as if he was asking me, Okay, you have my pants open, now what?
“You can’t treat me like a kid,” he said, startling me as I looked down at him.
“What?” I hadn’t thought that I was, but I definitely wouldn’t want to do that to him.
He shrugged and continued to look up at me. “Were you thinking about how you were going to be gentle with me? How we were going to go slow and you were going to take care of me and make my first time all nice and wonderful?”
Of course I was. That was how people took care of each other and I wasn’t about to apologize for that. “Yes. I was. Why are you making that sound like a bad thing?”
“Because I don’t want you to do that for me. I’m a virgin, yeah, but I’m not asking you to take care of me. Let
me take care of myself. What I want you to do is just to tell me if you like something, too. Treat me like a guy that’s had sex a few dozen or so times before. But don’t treat me like I’m some cute little teenage virgin that you’re about to deflower or something. It’s such a weird concept anyway. I get that you want to take care of me. I think that’s sweet. I want to take care of you, too. But taking care of me right now means that you aren’t going to baby me during my first time. I’m perfectly capable of telling you if I don’t like something. And, not to brag or anything, but I’ve got a toy collection. You don’t have to worry about hurting me or anything like that. Just have sex with me. That’s all I’m asking.”
I stared at him. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea how to wrap my mind around the man lying beside me and what I expected him to be. He was not some sweet teenage boy that had a crush on me like I’d originally thought. He was sweet, but he was also so much more than I’d ever given him credit for, and, he was right, I needed to start thinking about him not in terms of his age and that he was a virgin who needed protecting and cared for. He didn’t need me for that. I was pretty sure that Dillon didn’t need me for anything actually. I was just glad that he wanted me in his life at all. This fierce man who said what he wanted and didn’t back down from it at all.
“Okay. I can do that.”
He looked surprised. “You promise? No babying me?”
As much as I wanted to take care of him, I shook my head. “Your first time, you call the shots. I’ll trust you to tell me if something is too much.”
“Thanks.” He put his hand around the back of my head and brought my mouth down to meet his.
Our clothes were off quickly, and he wanted to rush. He was all hands and grabbing me however he could. I took his hands and pinned them above his head, slowing him down. He could have gotten free, but he only moaned against my mouth. Maybe he liked feeling helpless. Maybe he wanted to have control taken away from him sometimes. We had plenty of time to explore that later.
I let go of him just long enough to put a condom over my cock. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were wide. I didn’t ask him for reassurance that he was okay with this still. I trusted him to tell me if he was. But I did go slowly when I used some lube and pushed my fingers inside of him. He winced, and I stopped moving, but then he relaxed against my fingers again and I finished getting him ready.
I didn’t immediately slide inside of him, though. I took my time fingering him first. I stroked my fingers inside of him until he was trembling under me, and until I could barely stand it anymore.
I was leaking inside the condom before I pushed my head against his hole. He gave me a subtle nod. Maybe he wasn’t even aware of the movement, but I took it as a green light. It was so hard not to be careful with him and not to treat him like the virgin he was. I wanted him to enjoy every second of being with me. It was a lot of pressure to be under. He’d never forget his first time, and I loved that he’d chosen me.
I kissed him every second that I could. I held his hands and rocked my hips against him. He was tight and warm around my cock, every perfect inch of him squeezing around me.
I let go of his hands and he squeezed my shoulders. His short nails bit into my back and I went faster. It seemed like that was what he wanted because his moans grew louder, and he started shaking underneath me.
He tried to reach between us, but I beat him to it as I grabbed his shaft in my hand and began stroking him. I wanted to take care of him completely. He could get himself off another time. Tonight, he was mine.
It didn’t take him long to come, and I rode him through his pleasure. When he was relaxed underneath me, all smiles and flushed, I sat back and ran my hands over his chest and stomach. I scratched down his reddened skin and laughed right along with him when I found his ticklish spots.
I hadn’t finished with him by any means, but there was no more deep need within me. I took my time. I rode out my pleasure within him as he lay stretched out under me.
By the time I was ready, I’d stretched out my pleasure as much as I possibly could, and then I pushed deep within him and came.
Chapter Thirteen
Dillon
My first time having sex had been a lot of what I’d expected, but it had also been so much more. I lay there beside Cal well after we were done, and I simply smiled at him. I didn’t wonder how I compared to Travis. Maybe I had, for maybe a millisecond, but how they’d had sex wasn’t any of my business.
I’d loved having Cal. I’d loved that my first time was with him. He was what I had wanted. He’d kissed me endlessly, to the point that I wondered if my lips would ever stop being so swollen. I felt warm and happy lying there naked next to him and wondering what else we were going to show each other.
Sex had never been a complicated thing for me. I’d wanted my first time to be special, but not in the forever in love kind of way that some people I’d grown up with had made it out to be. I’d wanted sex on my terms, where I was treated like the man I was instead of the fragile virgin, and that was exactly what Cal had done. Granted, he had taken some talking to in order to get him to that point, but he had gotten there. And now I had the taste of him in my mouth and my sheets were dirty with our shared releases. I didn’t mind the bed being a mess, but I’d never neglected brushing my teeth before and I wasn’t about to start now.
Cal yawned as I got out of bed and went around the corner to the bathroom. “I have an extra toothbrush if you want it,” I called out to him.
I hadn’t bothered to close the door. Unless I was going to be using the toilet, I didn’t really need privacy with him. Maybe part of that had come from growing up with so many of us sharing two tiny bathrooms. For years, brushing my teeth alone had been a gift. Now it was something I took for granted.
Still, I made room for him in the small bathroom as he came up behind me. He’d put his pants back on. It was an odd thing. He took his clothes off for a living, and here we were, me naked and him half dressed. “You leaving?” I asked him around the toothbrush in my mouth.
He shook his head and I handed him the new toothbrush. Cal put one hand around my side as he cleaned his teeth, too. He didn’t speak, though. It didn’t bother me in the first moments post sex. But now, ten minutes or so after we’d been done, I was kind of wondering why he was so quiet.
“Will you say something? Please? If it’s about me not being that great, you can chock that up to virgin newness or something. But don’t shut down on me.” I spit into the sink and turned back to him.
He shook his head and spit, too. “It’s not that. It’s more like... I dunno. But I’m definitely not ready to leave.”
I was going to need more than that from him. “What was it then? I wasn’t any good? You wanted something done differently?” If that was the case, he should have spoken up. I certainly hadn’t gagged him or anything.
He ran his hands through his hair, and I leaned into him. He looked upset, though I had no idea why. “For the last five years I’ve only been with one guy. I’ve only loved him. I want you and I want to be with you, and I want to make sure that I don’t rush into things with you. I don’t want you to be a rebound fling. What I’m saying is, I guess, that I’m serious about you. And I hope that you are, too. You’re way up here.” He held his hand up close to his eyes “And I’m down here trying to catch up.”
I lifted Cal’s hand, bringing him up to where he’d had me. “We can move forward together. And I want you with me, too. Absolutely. I get that we’ll need to go slow sometimes. I understand that you’re not wanting to rush into anything. I’m not either. I’m not trying to replace Travis. I don’t want to. I want your relationship with me to be with me and about us, not you trying to forget about him, and I was just convenient and cute enough to get your attention first. Whatever you need, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
He grabbed me up in a tight hug and I sank against him.
“You have no idea h
ow good it is for me to find someone like you. Someone smart and strong and brave.” Cal paused, then added, “Someone who understands.”
“I’m trying,” I mumbled against his chest. I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t get something wrong or that I wouldn’t stumble. But I wasn’t good at giving up either and I wasn’t backing down anytime soon.
“Thank you for that.”
I kissed his shoulder, and then it was back to bed for us, and another movie with him wrapped around me and me borrowing his arm for a pillow well into the night.
I hadn’t remembered that Gavin had promised to bring me cinnamon rolls in the morning. Not until the moment he was knocking on my front door. And since the door was glass, and my bed faced the front door, there was no hiding Cal. Even if I had wanted to.
The glass was frosted at least, giving us some privacy as I woke up to Gavin pounding on my door.
“I can see you two!” he shouted. “Get out here, Dillon!”
Groaning, I turned over and looked at my phone to figure out just what time it was. Barely eight. “Damnit.” I groaned and looked over at Cal. He was just coming awake too. “Gavin’s here,” I explained. And, since I figured he deserved some warning, I added on, “You might want to get dressed. He’s not going to be too happy about this.”
Cal didn’t look happy about being woken up like this either. Not that I could really blame him one bit for his coming mood. I was right there with him as I threw on my pants from the night before and trudged barefoot through my kitchen-living room combination and to the front door. I checked on Cal, making sure that he still had his pants on from last night too, before I opened the door to my rather pissed off cousin.
“Hi, Gav,” I said. I stepped aside, letting him in.
He shot me a glare, but then his attention was all on Cal. “He’s a teenager!”
“‘He’s’ an adult,” I shot back, protecting Cal. “And screw you. I can do math. I know how old you were when Kyle was born. You were having sex well before I was.”
American Honey Page 9
