by Gemma Voss
“No,” I reply. “It sounds mind-altering, so I should avoid this.”
Then, I walk to our cabinets and start taking out my materials for today, before she has a chance to distract me again. Mind-altering indeed. What an excuse that is, when my mind has already altered itself without my permission. I don’t dare to look at her, for fear she is making a sad face that will fill me with guilt. I lay out the half-finished sample analyzer that I began constructing yesterday. Focus, focus, focus. I recall the teachings of my early training, as though I am only eight passings old. Emotions do not solve problems. They are a distraction. Emotions will not defeat the Azza.
Soon, the day is passing, and I have now completed two analyzers. Along with the three Mori has done, we have a complete set for each team member. The clock tells me it is time for the facility to close soon. Ella is bent over Kiva’s desk, where he is explaining to her how the analyzer works. She smiles at him when he offers to demonstrate by sampling her blood. She holds out her wrist and he grasps her arm. That now-familiar jealousy stirs. Is it possible Kiva is affected by her too? Is he hiding it from Pakka? Does he see the same things that I see when I look at her? And if this is so, how is it fair that he should enjoy her attentions while I deny myself?
I must leave for a moment to calm down. I head for the door without providing any excuse for my abrupt exit. The ‘break’ room is not far from the lab; I will go there to gather my thoughts.
A rapid click-clacking behind me sends a shiver up my spine. It is her, following me.
“Kila!” she calls as she rushes down the hallway. “Kila, can I talk to you?”
I halt and look back at her. The blouse she wears is fluttering as she jogs to catch up to me.
“Damn, you move fast,” she says once she is beside me, out of breath.
“What is it you need?” I say tightly.
“Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here, but I’d like to fix this. I can tell you are… angry with me about something. Can you tell me what I’ve done wrong so I can make it up to you?”
My stomach feels like it is clenching. Of course, I have made her feel as though I hate her by ignoring her. I am speechless, wondering just how I can explain myself without telling her the disturbing truth. Worst of all, she thinks that it is something she has done to have caused this. Ridiculous. Even if she is emitting pheromones that addle my brain, I am certain she is unaware of it.
“I… I…” I hesitate. All the while her eyes are wide, awaiting my response. Another being comes barreling down the corridor. It is a massive Sciva that could likely harm Ella with one errant swat of his arm. We are forced to squeeze away from him so that he may pass us by. Instinctively, I grasp her by the arm and tug her towards the wall with my back to the hairy beast, who at least has the decency to apologize profusely to us as he shuffles away. For that moment, Ella’s chest is pressed against mine. The brushing of her breasts against me is enough sensation to spark a fire beneath my skin.
When I step back, she takes a moment to collect herself. Perhaps she feels something as well. The thought is tantalizing. Immediately, I feel I must know if it is true.
“As I was saying,” she murmurs. “Something… clearly is bothering you about me and I think we should work it out. I mean, I worked with my Oofara team for five years, and since we have no idea how long you guys will be on this project, it really is important that everyone can be honest with one another—”
“Stop,” I demand, and she startles at my tone. “I cannot stand the discomfort of knowing you believe I have hatred towards you. You have done nothing wrong.”
“Okay,” she says slowly. Her cheeks are flushing. She feels it too, my mind whispers. Look at her, she is just as weakened as you.
“Your presence has a strange effect on me,” I manage to admit. “It has not gone away. I thought it was best to avoid you because of this, but I had no intention of making you feel that you have wronged me in some way. For that I apologize.”
Without thinking, I reach for her hand and hold it in my own. The warmth of it is calming, more effective than any of the meditation I attempted this week. While I hold tight to this small part of her and anxiously await her reaction to my confession, I realize the depth of trouble I am in. It is not simply a response, not simply a mistake. I am neck deep in this strange sickness with no escape in sight.
Chapter 7
Ella
My face is hot, and Kila is clutching my sweaty palm. It feels surprisingly nice, this connection. Almost as nice as when he boxed me against the wall with his massive body, causing my face to press against his hard chest. That sudden physical contact made me clam up like an idiot and start blathering. Now, I am absolutely dumbfounded to find that Kila doesn’t hate me at all.
“A strange effect?” I repeat. The words remind me of what he said on Monday, when I assumed he meant that he had a boner. I don’t want to jump to conclusions here.
“I cannot stop looking at you. It is shameful,” he tells me. His expression is full of pain, and he squeezes my hand as he admits to this.
It feels like boiling water has been poured all over my head, because I’m pretty sure this alien is trying to apologize to me for thinking I’m attractive. I am such an idiot. Maybe he hardly ever sees women. Maybe the women he knows at home cover themselves from head to toe. Should I have done some more research? Man, I really thought I was doing a great job but now I’m wondering if I am screwing up big time. Do they find my presence to be distracting? Is this why Pakka refused to look at me while I spoke to him? I thought he was just trying to mask what he knew about Kila. I decide it’s best that I pull my clammy hand away from him. We are still dangerously close, and my back is against the wall.
“So, you find me attractive. On Earth, that’s considered completely normal, Kila. There’s no need to apologize,” I say. “Is there some way I can respect the Kar’Kali way? Do your females cover themselves? Do you usually not work with females at all?”
He blinks, in momentary confusion. “No, females and males wear the same uniforms befitting their rank. Females and males are equal in all things on Kar’Kali. It is a great pride of our planet, this fact.”
“That’s nice,” I say. For the first time since that day we met, he is allowing himself to really look at me, and the change is jarring. His eyes flicker from my own, down to my lips, and then to my now empty hands. Then, he is back to watching my face, as if searching for something.
“I would be unfair of me to ask you to make a change when I am the one at fault here,” he says. “Maybe it is normal for humans, but it is not normal for Kar’Kali. I fear there is something very wrong with me, but do not worry. It will be resolved.”
I guess being attracted to me is a real hardship for him. This realization makes me want to laugh, but I decide it’s better to hide that, since he is so serious about all this. I don’t know how to react; I’m completely in shock. I’ll have to talk to Jen and find out how the heck to navigate a Kar’Kali crush without causing an intergalactic moral panic. Kar’Kali that succumb to sexual desires are excommunicated, so for Kila there is real reason to be fearful, even if the whole situation would be comical to any human.
The worst part is that Kila is easily the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Especially now, when he gazes at me like my words might break him, with stray black hairs falling over his brow. There is no doubt in my mind that if he felt like exploring the world of ‘deviance’, I’d be happy to lead him straight to the dark side and release the inner temptress.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I assure him. “I’m sure you’re right, and you’ll figure it out. It’s okay if you want to ignore me. I won’t let it bother me now that I understand.”
I turn to go, but he grabs my wrist and stops me. My heart pounds. “—Kila?”
“Ella, you are too good,” he groans with darkened eyes. “I will avoid you once again. It is for the best. But first I must know something because I am a weak male.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“Tell me if you feel it too. I need to know,” he says.
I let out a deep breath. “I don’t know that my answer will be helpful to you. Are you sure it’s such a good idea to—”
“No, it is not. But I am a male gone insane and I need to hear this answer, if only to soothe my addled mind.” His eyes are pleading me. He wants me this badly? I am flooded with heat at the thought that I’ve driven him mad. He can’t possibly be aware of human movies and romantic words, and yet he speaks just like a Casanova determined to convince me I am the only antidote to the poison of his desire. Can it be true that he earnestly feels that way towards me, just by looking at me? We hardly know each other.
I can’t lie to him. But I can’t let this situation get worse.
“You’re a very handsome guy, Kila. What do you want me to say? Of course I find you attractive. Of course I feel something. But if you’re determined to ignore me, then its best we don’t talk about it, don’t you think? Besides, we have to work together,” I say the words as evenly as possible, and I pull my wrist out of his hand. He stares at me as though I slapped him.
Just then, Pakka pops his head into the hallway and barks, “Kila! I must speak with you immediately.”
I slip further away from Kila and call over to Pakka. “Hey, do you have things under control for the rest of the day? I’ve got to speak to Jen before I head out.”
Pakka nods, eyeing Kila suspiciously. Oh, he knows. “See you tomorrow, Ella-vi,” he says.
“Bye,” I squeak out before turning to hustle down the halls. There is shouting coming from Jen’s office, so I wait outside by her secretary’s desk and get myself under control. Hassan, her over-worked twenty-year-old minion, just glances at me.
“You alright?” he asks. “You look like you sprinted here.”
“Fine, fine,” I pant. He watches me with narrowed eyes for a moment and then swivels away in his chair, apparently deciding he doesn’t have time to discover what the heck is wrong with me.
“The next time you come in this office, you better have a goddamn good reason why, Miikra!” Jen calls out as her door swings open. The Sciva that nearly squashed Kila and I moments ago in the hallway emerges looking extremely disgruntled. Well, they usually look disgruntled, so I can’t be sure.
Once he’s gone, his thumping steps receding, Jen notices me lurking outside the door. “Ella? What is it?”
“We gotta talk,” I say.
“Oh, great,” she mutters, and waves me into the office.
I follow her and shut the door.
“What is it?” she asks. “I thought things were going alright. Are they still not accepting the idea of having a Handler around? Just say the word and I’ll go in there and kick some gray Kar’Kali ass.”
“No, that’s not it. Something… Well, something weird is going on.”
“Something weird, huh? Tell me something I don’t know. Miikra is up my ass because his lab is across from a Verguli lab, and he’s claiming their natural scent smells like Sciva piss. But I can’t move either of them, because they’ve both spent weeks setting up equipment and arranging samples in their spaces. The Scivas can’t stand to be there, and the Verguli seem to think it’s hilarious, so they go stand in the lab while the Scivas are on lunch just to get a laugh.” She’s waving her arms around like a lunatic. “So go ahead, tell me what weird shit is going on with you.”
“Uh, how do I say this? One of the Kar’Kali guys… He has a little bit of a crush on me. And I think it’s freaking him out. Like seriously freaking him out.”
Jen blinks, dropping her arms. She stands like that for a beat, and then bursts out laughing. After she’s gone on like that for a moment, she coughs a bit and then says, “Wow, and I really thought when I took this job that I’d be focusing on important scientific discoveries. But okay, let’s talk about the repressed alien that has a boner for you.”
I summarize what happened for her, and she juts out her bottom lip thoughtfully.
“The thing is that Kar’Kali have these suppressors implanted in infancy. I’m not sure what could possibly cause his to stop working, and I know for a fact there’s no way any Earthly factors could disrupt them. The technology is insanely advanced. The controllers on Kar’Kal that monitor the population-wide hormone fluctuations can transmit data across many galaxies,” she explains.
“How do you know?” I ask, feeling like an idiot when compared to Jen’s encyclopedic knowledge.
“The Azza have taken Kar’Kali prisoners of war before, and ended up transporting them deep behind enemy lines. Apparently, they’ve conducted experiments before, trying to remove or tinker with the suppressors of their prisoners. But until the suppressors are destroyed or the prisoner is killed, the Kar’Kali back at base are still able to track the location and hormone levels of the soldiers. It allowed them to pin-point some enemy targets for a while, a couple hundred years back, but the Azza have learned their lesson and they don’t take many Kar’Kali prisoners anymore.”
I shiver, wondering what other horrible things the Azza have done.
“Moral of the story,” Jen continues, “Is that it might be a pretty bad sign that your little Kar’Kali boyfriend is able to get a boner for you.”
Goosebumps spread over my skin. “You mean something bad happened? Something happened to the Kar’Kali base that controls their suppressors? You’re sure there’s no way it’s just… acting up? You’re sure it’s not normal for them to have a little mishap every once in a while?”
“Ella, I’m going to have a plaque made for you. Because you are without a doubt the first being in thousands of years to cause a Kar’Kali erection. Deviants not included, mind you.” She fumbles around her desk drawers until she finds a glass bottle full of amber liquid. It’s a bottle of whiskey. “I know it’s not Friday yet, but I have a headache and I am trying not to panic.”
“Panic? Should we panic?” I run my hands through my hair shakily.
The office door rattles open, shaking from the force of Pakka’s fist. He practically vibrates on the threshold. “Do not panic, females, but something is very, very wrong.”
“Pakka,” Jen says firmly, “Sit the hell down and have a drink.”
Pakka looks incredulous, but the power of Jen’s intensity seems to work on him. He shuts his mouth, stalks over to the seat beside me, and sits down. Jen finds three glasses and starts pouring whiskey for all of us.
“Is this mind-altering?” Pakka asks before accepting the glass.
“Just drink it,” Jen demands, “And then tell me what you know about Kila’s suppressor issue.”
He stares at her as though she has mind-reading abilities, and then gulps down a sip of the whiskey. His scrunched-up face says everything about what he thinks of the bitter alcohol.
“Kila’s hormones are wild,” he says hoarsely. “I have finally been able to scan him with the new scanner. I am certain there is something very wrong with his chip, but I will not be able to examine it. It could seriously harm his brain, especially considering that none of us are skilled surgeons. I came here to immediately request access to the building’s call system. We need to link with the Kar’Kali authorities as soon as possible.”
“Authorities? Kila won’t get in trouble, will he? He didn’t do anything wrong,” I say quickly.
Pakka sighs. “Do not worry yourself, Ella. I know this.”
Jen shifts forward in her seat and takes a long swig of her whiskey. “Have you scanned the others? Have you scanned yourself?”
He shakes his head. “I asked the others to escort Kila back to our living quarters, so that he cannot do any harm. It is best he does not attend work tomorrow.”
“He’s not a prisoner,” I argue. “You’re going to lock him up because he likes how I look? Don’t you think that’s a bit of an overreaction?”
“You do not understand,” he snaps. “His levels today are well out of range for a properly suppressed Kar’Kali mal
e, but they are nowhere near historic mating call levels. He cannot see you, or any other female until this is resolved. If he experiences the full mating call response, there is no telling what he will do.”
“This is wrong,” I say, pushing away my untouched glass of whiskey. “He’s obviously already in pain over it. You’re going to make him feel even worse, cooping him up like that. And anyways, if it’s been thousands of years then how do you even know what the historic levels are?”
Pakka opens his mouth to angrily reply, but Jen cuts us both off. “CHILDREN!” She snaps her fingers in front of our faces. “Both of you need to get a grip.”
“Pakka,” she shouts, and he jolts to attention. “I agree Kila might benefit from a day off tomorrow, and he shouldn’t leave the complex. But Ella is correct— don’t go treating him like a prisoner. It’s not going to help matters. Tomorrow you should scan the rest of your team, including yourself, and I’ll send Hassan when I have an opening at the comm center for you to contact a Kar’Kali base.” Pakka is nodding at her like an obedient puppy.
“And Ella? Pakka makes the final decision when it comes to the welfare of his teammates, okay? Just do what you can to help the others tomorrow. We reconvene on this topic come Monday. Dismissed.”
Chapter 8
Kila
The world is strange. It is objectively clear that I am in a dangerous situation, brought on by potentially grave circumstances. And yet, I feel like I am floating above it all, simply because I know that Ella feels the same as I do. I should be panicking, but instead I feel nothing but warmth in my heart when I think of how shy she looked when she said, “Of course I find you attractive. Of course I feel something.”
When I smile, Mori looks at me like I am a warrior returned from the ashes. “Kila, I worry for you,” he says.
Mori, Kiva, and Vala walked me back to our living quarters, all the while watching me like I was a mountain feline poised to strike them. Soon after my encounter with Ella in the hallway, the truth of the matter came out. The scan system had been completed and Pakka immediately sent me inside to get a read on my hormones. The results? I am at abnormal levels, dangerously abnormal. Now we sit in the living area, and heavy silence fills the air. My colleagues eye me warily. We are waiting for Pakka to return with a plan.
