by H. M. Ward
I hesitate for a moment then grin. “That’s what she said. For the record, you don't want a girl asking you that.”
Josh barks out a laugh, and we head to his car. I blow off my last class of the day to see how I really feel about things. He opens my door, and I slip inside.
CHAPTER 8
Josh is unusually quiet. When we pull up in front of a posh hotel, I follow him inside as the valet takes his sporty car. Nerves bubble up from my stomach, and I don’t know what to do with my hands. I shove them in my pockets and look around the lobby. The expansive marble floors are dotted with large pillars stretching up to the top of the cavernous room. Ornate leaves and other foliage line the ceiling in skillfully carved Romanesque scrollwork, forming intricate designs. My heart thumps like a flat tire, and I swear it’s going to spring out of my chest and run away screaming. It’s not fear, but what is it?
I slip my gaze over Josh’s back, admiring the shape of his body, the way his broad shoulders meet with his trim waist and narrow hips. The curve of his ass is alluring, but the attractive part of Josh is more his personality than anything else. The guy runs on full power all the time, so when he’s demure, it unnerves me. Seriousness isn’t one of his qualities. A chill slips over me, making my skin prickle with goosebumps. I rub them away, thinking about what it will be like to be with Josh.
There’s an attraction between us. It's been there since day one, but I was serious when I said he wasn’t my type. Josh is loud, while I prefer quiet, shy guys. But if this man is the opposite of everything I want in a guy, why am I here? I swallow hard, thinking about the things I’ve done with Nate, the way my body melts into his. If I can do that with Josh, then the things I did with Nate were because of me. Maybe I found my sexual freedom with Nate. Or perhaps it’s more than that, and my ease with the professor has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him? What if I fell for him? Is this really the best way to tell?
Falling for Nate is the stupidest thing I could have possibly done. There’s no future there, no way we can have any kind of relationship. Since I never wanted to pair off and walk hand in hand into the sunset, I worry about it. Nate wants more from me, but when he finds out about Josh—that we did this—I’ve passed the point of no return.
It doesn’t matter anyway. Whatever is between Nate and me will vanish as soon as I get him to sign over his house. There’s no way to come back from that. Nate will regret that decision every day for the rest of his life. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took all that money to use against the fracking company.
Josh turns to me and tips his head to the side, indicating I should follow him. He holds a hand out for me, and I walk over to him, slipping my palm in his. My stomach fills with turbulent waves of emotion. It’s too complex for me to separate excitement from foreboding, so I don’t try.
Things are over with Nate. It was a fling, and Josh is the rebound. The truth of the situation is like a slap in the face. It’s startling, and no matter how much I want the memories with Nate not to matter, they're bittersweet.
Josh pulls me into a little elevator at the back corner of the lobby, up behind the reservation desk. I didn’t see it initially. When the door closes, he clears his throat and offers a nervous grin. “Private elevator.”
“Why is it private?” Before he can answer, the doors open into an opulent room stretching across the entire floor. A bank of windows overlooks the capital building and its domed roof. An enormous amount of pride went into the creation of that building, and any room with such a great view of it—and Ladybird Lake—has to cost a fortune. The other row of windows stretches floor-to-ceiling and faces the other way, showcasing the lazy flow of the river. My jaw is scraping on the floor when Josh presses a finger to my chin and shuts it.
“Gaping isn’t a becoming trait. I mean, I’d be okay with it when I first strip naked, but not now. It’s a room with a view.”
“It’s a football field of a room," I say, ignoring his swagger and verbal bait. "Josh, it’s gorgeous. Can’t you tell?”
He glances around and shrugs. “I like the privacy and the amenities. I don’t really notice the view anymore. My parents have taken us to places like this since we were kids. This location is tame compared to some.” There’s a hollowness to his voice telling me there’s more story there, but I decide not to press. Not right now.
“It’s a beautiful room.”
He glances over at me with those green eyes. “You’re a beautiful woman.” He watches me for a moment, his gaze locked on my face as he asks, “Are you sure about this Kerry? We can hang out, watch TV, and order room service.” There’s more he wants to say, but he shuts his mouth and swallows hard, cutting it off.
I almost take him up on his offer, but I need to know who I’m becoming. I have to know if I’ve fallen for Nate or if I can be like that with anyone. There was a time when I knew myself inside out. Now I’m not even sure what I like anymore or who my real friends are—I suspect one of the best friends I have is standing in front of me.
I walk over to him and throw my arms around his neck. Looking into his eyes, I lean in and press my lips to his. That spark is there, the magnetic pull of physical attraction. It swirls in my belly and shoots into my limbs making me feel excited and light. His kiss is soft and careful, like he’s drained it of passion in his effort to maintain control. He doesn’t trust himself at all, not even with a kiss. My heart sinks when I think about how lonely he must feel. I hold him close, wrapping my arms around his neck, and playing with a spot on the back of his neck with my fingers as the kiss deepens.
The butterflies in my stomach fly away, and I take control of the kiss, pushing it toward passion and away from the slow, careful pace he set when his lips met mine. I sweep my tongue inside his mouth and then pull away, breathless, to nip his bottom lip, before crushing my mouth back to his. Josh’s body tenses against mine, and his spine goes straight as every muscle in his body cords up tight. His hands move lightly, cautiously down my sides and remain in friendly zones until I move them. I shove one hand down to my butt and place the other on my breast.
Josh breaks the kiss and pants hard, his hands barely touching me. “Kerry, I don’t think I can do this.”
I ask because I need to know, “When were you last with someone?” Something tells me it’s been a long time. I sense it in the way he’s conflicted, torn between losing himself in a kiss and trying to retain control.
“Kerry, I—”
I cut him off, softly. Carefully, I touch his face and trail my fingers along his jaw feeling his warm, smooth skin beneath my fingertips. “Josh, I know you’re more experienced than I am, but it feels like it’s been a while. Not because it’s bad, but because you’re hesitating. You have your hands pinned in place, and you're kissing me like I might break. I won’t. Trust yourself. I can make you stop if I have to.”
He’s watching me closely, assessing what I’m saying. Josh swallows hard, like his mouth is dry, and unlocks his rigid jaw. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was terrified right now. When he speaks, his voice is steady, even. “How? I can overpower you.”
“A throat punch, a kick to your groin, and pepper spray in your face. I grew up in a rough neighborhood, so you don’t have to worry about me. I can handle this.”
“Where’s the pepper spray?”
“In my purse.”
“Grab it. Put it where you can reach it and if I can’t stop, promise me you won’t hold back—you have to stop me.” Desperation fills his voice as a tremor works its way into his muscles.
I do as he asks, pulling the little bottle from my purse and setting it on a table by the couch. When I turn back to him, I bluntly ask, “Do you want to be with me?”
He nods and says nothing else. It’s like he has no words, which is really strange for Josh.
Sucking in air, I realize I’m the one who’ll be calling the shots. Josh seems to be fighting the fear that keeps freezing him in place. I want to melt him, to make him se
e he’s not the guy that raped that girl. I don’t know exactly what happened that night, but it’s clear he’s not that man now. I lose my shoes first, stepping out of them as I walk toward Josh. Next, I pull my shirt over my head and toss it to the floor. Then I unbutton my jeans and kick them to the side. I’m wearing one of my new lacy bra and panty sets. It’s light pink with a floral design in the lace. I feel pretty, confident, and completely sexy. My body warms as I approach him. I consider stripping, but that would be too fast for him.
When I stop in front of Josh, I tug at his shirt and pull it from his body before I splay my hands on his toned chest. He remains perfectly still until I lean in and press my lips to his. I kiss him hard and push him back toward the couch until we fall on the cushions with me on top. His body feels good beneath mine, warm and hard. His hands touch my skin hesitantly at first, but then more firmly. His fingers drift from my waist and then up to my breasts. He cups me, holding me gently. Not too long ago, that would have satisfied me, but not now. I want rough passion. I want to forget myself completely when I’m with him. I begin to wriggle my bottom against his hips and feel the pressure of his hard package beneath his jeans.
Josh’s hands tighten on my body as he moans into my mouth. As he relaxes, the kiss changes. One of his hands lifts and finds my face. He sweeps his fingers along my cheek, tangles them in my hair, and pulls my neck down hard, holding me in place.
My mind drifts toward thoughts of Nate’s lips to the way his hands feel against my skin. Everything Josh does is compared to Nate. I can’t help it. This isn’t the same, and I desperately need it to be more. I slip my thighs apart, straddle his hips, and sit up. I reach behind my back and unclasp my bra, freeing my aching breasts. They want to be touched. They long to be held and kissed. Josh’s green gaze lingers on my naked chest as his hands slowly rise from my hips and up to my chest. When his hands cover me, he squeezes me possessively. I tip my head back and breathe in slowly, enjoying the sensation and trying to banish thoughts of Nate, of the way he touched me there, of how it was different, better.
I need to lose myself in Josh. I wonder if I can. Looking down at him, I reach for his button and then lower his zipper. I move off of him and pull his jeans off, tossing them aside before climbing back onto his lap. He’s still wearing boxers, but there’s nothing to keep us apart now. If he wants me, he can have me.
The afternoon light feels warm and wonderful on my skin. Josh watches the way the sunlight falls on me, and when I lean down to kiss him, things shift. The control he possessed before fizzles as the kiss becomes hotter. His hands rove my body, one slipping under my panties to cup my ass as I grind against him.
We stay like that until Josh is lost in the kisses, in the heat of the moment. I keep waiting for that to come, but it doesn’t. My mind is sabotaging me. Josh’s lips are nice, but they’re not Nate's. They’re not as full as Nate’s, and they don’t move the same way. Josh’s body is firm, and his muscles feel powerful beneath mine. I like the way he moves against me, and I’m turned on, I feel it—but there’s something wistful lingering at the back of my mind. There’s something else I really want that isn’t here.
Fuck it. Nate isn’t mine, and I’m not going to waste this opportunity with Josh. He’s a good guy no matter what the police report says. I roll and pull him on top of me, letting him crush me into the couch. His lips drop to my neck, and I stare at the ceiling, concentrating on his mouth and the growing heat low in my stomach. The way it licks against my insides with the heat of desire. I press my body up into his and try to stop thinking. I want to feel sensations and become a wild thing.
I arch my back into him as his lips find my breast. He tugs and teases me, the kisses growing hotter with every passing moment. The urgency of the kiss is blinding, and I know what’s coming next. His hand lowers across my stomach and dips into my panties. I feel him there, ready to see how wet I am, how much I want him—and I do—that part is there. It’s the rest of me that’s completely crazy. Our bodies are covered in sweat. I’ve been trying so hard to keep going, to keep pushing Josh on, but now I want to pull away. I feel like a tease, but this was a mistake.
I can’t. My mind spews fragmented thoughts at me, stuttering internally in a frightened spasm.
I finally blurt out, “STOP! I can’t do this. I can’t. I love him.” The realization is like being doused with ice water. I gasp and freeze in his arms.
Josh’s hand stops and he lifts his body off of mine to peer down at me. “Kerry, you love him?”
I nod quickly and feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I say that to another guy? Horrified, I try to pull his lips down on mine. I’ll pretend like it never happened, but Josh pulls away with a smile on his face.
“Are you trying to avoid your feelings for this guy by fucking me?” Josh raises a single eyebrow and then laughs when I don’t answer. He moves off of me and offers a hand, pulling me up into a sitting position.
My heart is hammering hard in my chest and at some point, my arms move to cover my chest. Josh pads out of the room, almost immediately returning dressed in a fluffy white robe and offering an identical robe to me. “Here, put this on.”
I wrap the fuzzy fabric around me and tie the belt tight before plopping down on the couch next to Josh. I lean to the side and rest my head on his shoulder. “I want to cry.”
“Go ahead. I can’t imagine how torn you’ve got to feel inside to do something like this.”
I squeeze my eyelids together hard and try to speak. It takes a few tries, but I manage, “I didn’t know how I felt. I thought it was a fling. We were fuckbuddies, Josh. How did this happen?”
I feel him laugh lightly, and his hand strokes my hair. “I don’t know.” His voice is soft, and I know he wanted this—he wanted me. Instead, he kisses the top of my head like a brother and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Thanks, by the way.”
I glance up at him, puzzled. “For what? For teasing the crap out of you and not following through?” I feel really bad about that. I frown without meaning to.
He smiles at me and shakes his head. “No, for showing me I can stop even when I’m ready to, well, you know.”
“Fuck me?”
“You’re so crass.” His grin fades, and he pulls away from me and looks down at my face. “Oh, God! That’s why you’re so confused. You thought you were screwing around with that guy, but you weren’t, were you? It wasn’t fucking. It was much more—you guys have been making love.”
I shudder. “I hate that phrase.”
“It is what it is, Kerry. You seriously didn’t know?”
I shake my head. “I thought it was just passionate and over the top. I made sure nothing was slow. There was no time to think about anything. When I’m with him, I can’t think at all.”
Josh laughs as if he knows something I don’t. “I thought you’ve been in love before? How did you miss this? It’s not lust when your mind lingers on one person, and they’re all you can think about—even when you’re fucking someone else.”
A blush makes me turn bright red. “I didn’t know. It was never like this with Matt. It was nice, comforting, and sweet. This is totally different, so I didn’t see it coming.”
Josh nods knowingly. “Yeah, love is a bitch. She sneaks up on you when you least expect it.”
Glancing over at him, I can see that lost expression on Josh’s face like he's remembering something from a long time ago. “You loved her, didn’t you?”
He nods. “The stories about us are just that—tales to cover up what really happened. She met Carter first, and they started going out. It wasn’t serious in the beginning. When she’d come over to wait for Carter to get out of class or whatever, we’d talk. I found myself wanting to speak with her more and hear her opinions on just about everything. That woman was a spark of light in a meaningless existence. Carter didn’t see that about her.”
“But you did.”
He nods slow
ly, careful not to look my way. He stares at his hands as he speaks. “Her affections shifted at some point, and I said no. I didn't want to be the guy who steals his best friend's girl. We tried to stay apart, but, one night, things got out of hand. I’d been at a party and came home drunk to her waiting for Carter. I fell down next to her on the couch and started talking like we always did.” He suddenly stops speaking and swallows hard.
“You kissed her?”
“She kissed me, but I didn’t stop her. Carter walked in on us lip-locked, and it looked so much worse than it was. It was only a kiss, but the tension between us was over the top. There was no way not to notice, so he assumed there’d been more going on. Carter stormed out, and left me with his girlfriend crying on my couch. What was I supposed to do? Toss her out?”
“So, what happened?”
“I let her stay, listened to her talk, and sobered up. Carter came back the next day while I was in class, took all his shit, and moved out without a word. About a week later, I was at a different party, and that’s when things went to hell. She was there, and I was pissed at Carter. He wouldn’t even listen to me when I tried to explain what happened. In the end, it was my fault, so it didn’t matter.”
“That’s the party where the rape happened?” I know I really shouldn’t ask, but I want to know. The entire situation just sounds so freaking weird. How does Josh go from never breaking the bro-code to raping his BFF's girl? There’s something missing, a piece of the story Josh hasn’t told me yet.
His emerald gaze lifts, he exhales a rush of air, and nods once. His face is slack, his features totally drained of joy, pride, and self-worth. “Yeah, she found me and was still pissed at Carter. She wanted to show him he didn’t own her, but it wasn’t like that for me. I thought we’d still be able to fix this fucking mess if Carter would stop screaming and listen to me. But he didn’t. As the night progressed, she ended up in my arms. Before morning, she was in my bed. I forced her there.”
