by H A Dawson
I opened my mouth to speak.
‘And before you say it, it won’t be Glenn either. He’s a top bloke.’
Curious, I narrowed my eyes. I had believed they had a tricky relationship and so was surprised to hear her speak positively of him. However, when I tried to draw her out, she refused to respond. I decided it was unimportant. No doubt, as our relationship progressed, I would learn what I needed to. Until then, I was happy to let it rest.
She caught my attention. ‘I have to admit that I would love to learn who’s doing this to me. They definitely want me to suffer.’
‘Should I ask why that would be?’
‘I would tell you if I could. If there were one thing I could achieve before my time’s up, it wouldn’t be to learn that … as well, of course, to clear Austin’s name of the drugs charges. That goes without saying.’
‘Of course.’
‘And I would love it if he could forgive me.’ A look of hope passed across her face. ‘I would die happy then.’
I held a stiff pose. I got a distinct impression that she was hoping that I would help her to clear her son’s name. I may be a compassionate and generous person—at least I hoped I was—but I believed her request was a step too far. I had enough to deal without acting as her private investigator as well.
‘It was the one thing that stopped me from jumping,’ she continued and looked me in the eyes. ‘I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you speak to him for me?’
‘I … I suppose I could.’
‘I just want him to know how much I love him. And if he’d allowed me one conversation with him, that would be brilliant, too. I don’t expect you to help me to prove his innocence …’ Her voice trailed ‘If it happens, so be it.’
‘It is a lot to ask.’
‘I know—of course, I do—but please say you’ll think about it. It’s hugely important to me. I’d do it myself only he won’t let me near him.’
I said I would and made the decision to leave. In my fatigued state, her request was another burden for me to tolerate and I wasn’t sure how it was going to cope. Driving home, my head felt as though it was going to explode with anxiety and my breathing felt tight. It remained like that for the remainder of the journey. Then, upon seeing my house in the distance, I experienced a surge of relief.
I locked up the car and hurried to the house with my head low and my head thick with stress. Despite my mind having been on Lauren for the last few hours, my focus was now on my suspension from work, and I felt the panic within me growing with every passing breath. I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope over the next few hours, days, and weeks, and dreaded the thought of where my future lie.
I stepped into the kitchen, placed my bag and jacket on the table and filled the kettle with water. Then, once I’d prepared a mug of tea, I started upstairs to change. I hadn’t got far when Matt, my other housemate, dashed out of the lounge and met me in the hallway with a distressed look on his face.
Up until a few months ago, I had lived with Kelly and two other of our nursing friends, Shona and Marie. We had a great time living together and whilst I was happy to see them moving away to do their own thing, I was sad to see our time together end. After that, Kelly invited her boyfriend, Matt, to live with us and whilst it wouldn’t have been of my choosing, it was her house and I felt obliged to agree with her decision.
A couple of months further on, I felt uncomfortable with our arrangement. It wasn’t Matt’s fault—he was an easy-going man, kind and considerate, and he did his shares of the household chores. It was the situation itself. Whilst Matt and Kelly didn’t smooch much in front of me, I felt like a spare part, as though I was encroaching on their territory. I’d even considered looking for an alternative place to live, but that was before my suspension. I didn’t know what I was going to do now.
‘You’re back!’ Matt said. ‘Kelly’s been worried sick. You’ve not been answering your phone!’
I passed him a blank stare. Deep down, I knew I should have considered Kelly’s feelings and should have at least sent her a brief message to tell her I was okay. I had no excuse.
‘We’ve all been worried sick,’ he continued. ‘Are you all right?’
I nodded. I probably wasn’t, but I didn’t want to open up to Matt. As nice as he was, he wouldn’t be the person I’d choose to share what could turn into an emotional breakdown.
‘Should I call her or will you?’
‘Can you? I … I’m not up to it right now.’
‘Sure.’ He pulled his phone from his pocket and stepped back into the lounge.
It gave me a chance to escape. Since the kettle had just boiled, I hurried back into the kitchen and made a drink. Acting quickly whilst keeping my ears trained on the conversation Matt was having, I swirled around the tea bag, added milk, and carried it upstairs to my bedroom.
I was in the process of closing my bedroom door when I heard Matt ending his phone call. I sensed he would wish to speak to me and may even be peering up the stairs at that very moment wondering if he should interrupt my privacy. Sitting on my bed, I strained to listen for sounds and wished him away.
After a couple of minutes past and since there was no indication that he was going to appear, I removed my nurses uniform and donned a pair of sweatpants and a thin long-sleeved top. Then, I lay in the foetal position on my bed and tried to come to terms with what had happened. Flashing images of my suspension and the horrendous accusations I’d had to face filled my thoughts, and they combined with Lauren’s slip on the railing on the roof. Hence, my breathing quickened, my chest tightened and pained squeals escaped my mouth.
I felt as though my life was over and my dreams were shattered. I had done no wrong yet at the same time, I felt a huge amount of shame and regret. I even imagined Kelly turning against me and voicing her criticism of my behaviour, a thought, had I been thinking clearly, that would never have entered my mind. Nonetheless, I remained with my negative thoughts, and I imagined crowds of people condemning me and screaming out that I was a murderer and worse. I believed everyone hated me, justifiably so, and imagined being ostracised from events and gatherings. How was I ever going to be able to face anyone again, in particular, my family? My life was going to be hell and I wanted to curl up and die.
My thoughts continued to tumble as I remained on my bed. I forgot to drink my tea as it seemed too much effort, and I ignored my phone that continued to indicate incoming calls and messages. I couldn’t face up to anyone right now and eventually slipped into a fitful sleep.
I was half-asleep when I felt a presence over me. In my semi-conscious state, I believed someone was threatening me with violence for my misdemeanours on the ward. My actions had caused multiple deaths and the person before me was determined to make me suffer. Hence, I tried to push them away. I could not. They overpowered me both physically and with vile accusations, so I tried to retreat. It proved an unworkable solution.
‘Ebony,’ a voice said. ‘Ebony …’
I told them to go away. I tried to flee. I could not shift.
‘Ebony, it’s Kelly,’ a soft voice said.
Could it be? Dared I hope? I opened my eyes. She was sitting beside me on the bed with a loving expression on her face.
‘I’ve been so worried about you. You’ve been moaning and calling out. I think you’ve been having nightmares. I didn’t know whether to wake you or not.’
‘What’s the time?’
‘Eight-twenty. You’ve been asleep for a few hours.’
I exhaled a breath of air as memories of my day tumbled into my thoughts causing a heavy weight to land in my gut. Overwhelmed by a sense of dread, I lowered my gaze and scrunched my face. What had I done? Why was this happening to me?
‘You must be hungry and thirsty,’ Kelly said. ‘How about I make you a quick bite to eat? There’s some mixed salad left over in the fridge and a pastry in the freezer.’
‘I don’t know …’
‘You have to eat. My guess is that
you’ve had nothing all day.’
‘Not since breakfast.’
‘Then I’ll make you something.’ She rose to her feet. ‘Don’t hide away, honey. Matt’s at taekwondo classes until ten so we’re alone.’
‘Shouldn’t you be there, too?’
‘Not tonight. I wasn’t going to leave you alone.’
Tears misted my eyes and my lip wobbled.
‘I’ll see you soon, okay?’
I nodded and she left my room.
I’d positioned myself on the edge of the bed and started to cry. Her compassion was heart-warming but I also felt it was a little misplaced. I may have believed I was undeserving of my suspension earlier in the day, but I felt differently now. I must have done something wrong to be in this position. Maybe I had been careless or negligent. At that moment, it was impossible to tell.
Regardless of my emotions, I couldn’t avoid Kelly forever, nor did I want to. If her opinion of me was going to change and she was going to display hostility then it would be better to learn about it now than later. I didn’t want her to pretend to be supportive then display an alternative emotion. I wanted the truth from the start and determinedly progressed downstairs.
When I saw her standing in the kitchen preparing me a meal, my courage left me and I changed my mind about speaking out. I decided learning of her opposition would break my heart. I needed her on my side; I needed someone to love and support me.
The thought caused my eyes to mist. I’d never considered myself a weepy person, but my day had been brutal and had brought out another side to me. Kelly also seemed surprised by my reaction and passed me a concerned stare. Then, she quickly composed herself and speaking brightly asked me if I wanted one of her cocktails or a tea or coffee. My immediate reaction was to have a cocktail, but then I remembered my love of alcohol had been part of the reason for my suspension, and I agreed to a tea.
Kelly did not react and made us both teas. I was grateful for her discretion and thanked her for everything she was doing and sank into the chair at the small table. Being waited on was a strange feeling; I was the one out of the two of us who loved being in the kitchen. It made a pleasant change.
‘I hope this is okay,’ she said as she presented me with food.
It was a bean pasta salad with avocados, tomatoes, and an assortment of leaves. Alongside was a homemade meat and vegetable pastry that I’d made a few weeks previously and frozen, and it was accompanied by a chunk of fresh bread.
‘This is great, thanks.’
Kelly forced a smile.
‘I take it you’ve eaten?’
‘An hour ago. I was going to wait for you, but I got hungry.’
‘It’s fine. I’m not complaining.’
She turned away, and tidied a few stray items for the worktop and wiped the surface. I got the sense she was wondering whether to speak out about my day and it was making her uncomfortable. Clearly, she had heard about Lauren’s suicide attempt—I doubted there would be many staff working within the hospital who hadn’t—and more than likely, she knew of my suspension. I suspected that once she’d learned about the former and became aware that I was avoiding answering her calls, she would have called me on the hospital landline. Whilst the news of my suspension would be troubling to her, it remained an embarrassment to me, and I lowered my head in shame and continued my meal.
She turned around. ‘You probably don’t want to talk about what happened today …’
‘I … I’m not sure.’
‘You don’t have to. I’m not pressurising you. I just want you to know that I’m here for you as and when you need me.’
I nodded and looked away.
‘And that goes for what happened with Lauren too. You were brave and I’m so proud of you.’
Glancing up, I caught her smile. I must have displayed a puzzled expression as she repeated her comment and told me she meant it.
‘Not many people would go through what you went through and then think of her,’ she said. ‘You probably won’t believe me right now, but you are an amazing person Ebs and I love you.’
My emotions built and despite trying to avoid crying, my tears fell. Kelly may be my best friend, but I didn’t want her to see me in such a state and fought my tears with every ounce of energy I had. I still didn’t feel I deserved her support and sympathy, and privately willed her to back away. She did not, and moments later, I was sobbing freely in her arms.
Eventually, I pulled away, dried my face, and once I’d eaten, we progressed to the lounge. I offered my apology, but she refused to accept it and told me I had nothing to feel sorry for and no reason to be ashamed. Whilst her comment made me feel better, I hated my behaviour. Weeks before, I would never have believed I would have received a suspension from my duty as a nurse. The medication error I had apparently made was horrific as was the accusation of being drunk whilst on duty. I was metamorphosing before my eyes and felt as though I had lost control of my actions and of where my future was taking me.
I looked at Kelly for reassurance.
She caught my gaze and cast a sympathetic smile. It was the best I could hope for in the circumstances, and reached for my tea and hoped to bury my thoughts.
Chapter 5
Despite having had an extended conversation with Kelly the previous night, I still didn’t sleep well and struggled to come to terms with my suspension. Upon waking and experiencing a deep ache in my gut, I reached the conclusion that no amount of talking would rectify the situation in my mind. Getting a handle on my emotions was going to be a slow process. Nursing was my life. I loved it deeply and without it, I didn’t know who I was or what would become of me.
Listening to the sounds coming from the rest of the house I could tell Matt was downstairs. I wasn’t sure I wanted his company in my depressed state, and lay in bed, gazing at the ceiling and pondering all that was wrong with my life. Ultimately, and deciding I couldn’t spend all day in bed, I washed and dressed, and feeling lost and solemn progressed downstairs.
I was at the base of the stairs when Matt appeared from the lounge and asked me how I’d slept. I knew he was trying to be cheerful and supportive of my situation, but I didn’t feel up to involving myself in his chirpy behaviour, and responded curtly and strode to the kitchen.
‘I popped out for some croissants earlier,’ he said. ‘Would you like me to make you one?’
‘No thanks. I’m not up to eating just yet.’
‘Fair enough. I was thinking of going to the new shopping centre across the city later to check out the new sports store. Care to accompany me?’
‘I don’t think so. Thanks for asking.’
‘Not a problem.’ He leant against the door frame. ‘If there is anything I can do for you, just say the word.’
‘You don’t need to be nice to me, Matt. In fact, I’d prefer it if you weren’t.’ I considered adding that I didn’t deserve it, but I decided it sounded self-pitying and withheld my comment. ‘I’d like things to be normal.’
‘So you think I’m normally unkind to you?’ he said with a glint in his eyes.
I frowned.
‘Sorry,’ he said and paused. ‘I just want you to know that I am on your side—as is Kelly. What’s happened is horrendous. We know you’re innocent, Ebony. It’s just a matter of time before you prove it.’
I turned my back to hide my rising emotions and poured the boiling water into my mug.
‘It’s probably hard to try to see this break as a positive,’ he continued, ‘but it can be if you put your mind to it. Fill it by doing something you love.’
I turned around. ‘I’d love to, but firstly I don’t have your confidence that I’ll be reinstated, and secondly, I’m without an income and don’t have money to burn.’
‘About that,’ he said. ‘Kelly wanted me to tell you that she doesn’t want any rent money or money for the bills whilst this is going on. And she won’t argue with you about it. It’s settled, okay?’
My face scrunched with
emotion. ‘That’s a lovely offer, but …’
‘No buts,’ he said. ‘Money’s not an issue for her as well you know. She said it’s the least she can do. You’ve been a great friend to her in recent months, and she wants to give you a bit back.’
I slumped in a chair at the table and lowered my head. It was an amazing gesture, but not one I could readily agree to. It could be months until the hearing and I wouldn’t feel right not paying my way. Perhaps it was time to consider returning to my parent’s home, although in truth, it would be the last place I’d want to be.
‘So you’ll agree to it,’ he persisted.
‘I didn’t think I had a choice.’
He smiled. ‘You don’t.’
‘I won’t sponge off her, but it will help me until I get myself sorted. I don’t know when the hearing will be—it could be months. Clearly, I’m going to have to look for another job.’
‘You could go private. Kelly said she’s heard of nurses who’d managed to get another job prior to their suspension being resolved.’
‘It’s a nice thought …’
‘Don’t rule it out before you’ve tried it. You’re innocent, Ebony, and once the people at the hearing have listened to you, they’ll realise that too.’
‘I doubt it,’ I said. ‘The blood test proved me to be working under the influence of alcohol, and the medication error was clear-cut. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was stitched up.’
Staring thoughtfully, he did not respond.
His silence bothered me. I feared he was considering what I’d said, but believed, rather than him agreeing with my tongue-in-cheek comment he was questioning my innocence. I could hardly blame him. Even I’d started doubting myself and I was the one involved.
Not wanting to be involved in the conversation any longer, I grabbed my coffee and rose to my feet. I didn’t offer Matt an excuse nor did I meet with his gaze, and left the room and progressed into the lounge. I hoped he wouldn’t follow me, or if he did, I hoped he would respect my need for privacy. To enforce his decision, I switched on the television and upon his arrival in the room held an attentive stare.
