She caught up with him. ‘Jay,’ she said, a little out of breath. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes … not really but it’s nothing for you to worry about.’
‘It looked serious to me. Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘Yes. No … It was Ben, my brother. I haven’t seen him since the start of this year. I’d no idea he’d walk in to the pub tonight. We don’t get on,’ he added as if that wasn’t bloody obvious.
‘I’m sorry …’ He could see that she really meant it. ‘Actually, I recognise the big Maori guy he was with at the bar,’ Lottie said. ‘He plays for a local club, Langmere. They must have had a game against your brother’s team.’
‘I’d no idea that Ben had joined that club,’ he said gruffly, still shaking from the shock of Ben crashing in on what had been a very enjoyable evening. ‘He used to play for Kendal but he must have moved up here. Or at least switched teams.’
‘I could see you were shocked,’ she said gently.
‘I was. Gobsmacked.’ He threw up his hands in frustration. ‘But I shouldn’t have reacted like that.’
‘It’s OK. I hope you didn’t mind me coming after you?’ she said, holding out his jacket. ‘I brought your coat. You’re shivering.’
‘Am I?’ His stomach clenched in guilt and the rush of emotion at Lottie’s kindness. ‘Thanks …’ He took his coat, wrestling for some self-control in front of her. ‘Ben and I don’t have contact any more, and that’s my decision. You must think I’m mad, kicking off like that in front of everyone.’
‘No. I don’t. I um – understand what it feels like when someone you thought had gone from your life turns up out of the blue.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes,’ she said warily. ‘But how are you feeling now?’
‘Better … but I think I should go home.’ Their gazes met, and again he felt a powerful pull to her. He wasn’t sure what her comment about ‘people turning up’ meant, but he wasn’t convinced she understood how he was feeling. She was surely too gentle and caring to feel the level of anger that he had in those first few seconds after coming face to face with Ben.
Yet he did feel calmer, simply by talking to her and being in her presence. She touched his arm; it felt like balm on a wound.
‘I’ll come with you if you like …’
‘I don’t want to cut your evening short,’ he said, though the prospect of her company on the walk back to Firholme was very appealing. There was something fresh and lovely about her that made him feel soothed and made him want to talk. He felt ashamed for rushing out and derailing her night yet he wanted to be with her. ‘If you really don’t mind, I’d like that,’ he added.
The glow of pleasure in Lottie’s eyes calmed him, but only for a second because suddenly, her smile faded and her mouth opened a little wider, a tiny wisp of breath misting the air. It was enough to raise his pulse and alert him that she’d spotted something behind him.
He twisted round and saw Ben cutting a direct path towards him.
‘Don’t let him upset you.’
Lottie’s warning words were lost in the spike of adrenaline. His heart rate took off. He didn’t want to speak to Ben. ‘I can’t handle this,’ he said to Lottie. ‘I need to walk away now. Let’s go.’ He started walking away with Lottie but Ben followed them.
‘Wait! Jay! Don’t go off on one!’
A hand brushed his shoulder. ‘I w-want to talk to you.’
Jay shrugged it off. ‘Get off me. This is pointless. We’ve said all we want to say.’
Ben glanced from Lottie to Jay. ‘Don’t worry, love. I’m not going to cause a scene.’
Jay exploded. He didn’t even want his brother breathing the same air as Lottie ‘She’s not your love, Ben. You patronising git.’
‘He’s right, I’m not anyone’s love,’ Lottie burst out. ‘And I can speak for myself. I’ll go back inside when I’m sure you two aren’t going to have a wrestling match out here in the car park. I have no idea what’s wrong between you, but for God’s sake, don’t settle it with your fists.’
Ben glared at her then said, ‘Wow. She’s a feisty one, bro.’
Jay curled his lip. ‘Oh, just piss off, Ben. And by the way, I’m not your bro.’
Her eyes widened and Jay was filled with dismay at the intensity of his reaction.
‘Shall we go back to Firholme now?’ he said to Lottie, as calmly as he could.
She hesitated then nodded. ‘I’ll text Shayla and tell her I’m walking home with you.’
‘Wait, Jay. I’m sorry for everything,’ Ben said, with ragged desperation. ‘Mum and Dad are heartbroken over what’s happened. They want us to make it up. I wish I could undo the past but I can’t. We need to move on.’
‘That’s a lie about wishing you could undo the past. You don’t because without the past, you wouldn’t have Seb.’ He turned to Lottie again. ‘Please can we go? I’m done here.’
Ben’s frustration spilled out. ‘This is ridiculous, Jay. It’s been a year now …’
Jay ignored him, throwing up a wall that Ben’s pleas bounced off. If he refused to engage, he couldn’t be hurt any more.
‘OK, Jay. Be like that. Blank me. I tried my best!’
With Ben’s words ringing in his ears, Jay focused on Lottie. ‘I am so sorry about that. I think we should leave before we have another row.’
She glanced behind. ‘Don’t worry. Ben’s getting into his car.’
Jay nodded, relief flooding him, though at the same time a creeping sense of despair.
‘Thanks for bringing my coat out and offering to keep me company. I expect there’ll be talk at work about me rushing out and us leaving together. People love to gossip.’
She shrugged, her jaw set determinedly. ‘Let them. It’ll make a change for me to create some gossip.’
For the first time since Jay had spotted Ben, he smiled. Lottie had shot up even further in his estimation. ‘OK. Let’s get back and I’ll tell you about it.’
After Lottie had sent her text, they spent most of the walk in silence, Jay only speaking from time to time to make sure Lottie was OK as they only had one torch between them and his phone battery had died. After they reached Firholme, he let Lottie into his cottage, dismayed at the mess. Then, again, he hadn’t been expecting visitors. Trevor was delighted to have company and gave them a greeting of licks, barks and tail wagging, before settling down.
Jay shifted his guitar and several well-chewed dog toys from the sofa and swept up a pile of forestry magazines from the chair. ‘Sorry. I’m not used to entertaining.’
‘Don’t worry.’ She sat on the sofa, with a look of amusement.
‘Trevor’s shedding a bit. I should vacuum more often,’ he said, seeing dog hair clinging to Lottie’s jeans. He felt agitated and restless.
She laughed. ‘It’s fine.’ Trevor lay at her feet with a drool-covered chew between his paws.
Jay took the armchair opposite her. ‘He likes you,’ he said. ‘Sorry, there’s dog hair on your jeans.’
‘Don’t worry. I like dogs.’ She smiled at Trevor. ‘Why don’t you tell me about this business with Ben?’
He looked at her, his tongue frozen for a moment. There was no easy way to say what had happened, or to explain the level of hurt and betrayal he still felt, but he had to tell someone. He took a breath.
‘The reason Ben and I don’t get on is because he got my partner pregnant and let me believe I was the father.’
‘Oh my God. That’s awful!’
‘It was a one-night stand, they said at the time, but I’ve since found out they’d been having an affair for a while. It was while I’d been on a training course in Scotland for a couple of weeks. When I got back, I had flu after working out in the cold and I was wiped out for another fortnight.’
‘Well, at first, I thought the baby had been conceived before I went away. Nadia told me it was due at the end of the summer. She’d been nervous and stressed, but I put that down to the shock
of learning she was going to be a parent. God knows, it was daunting enough for me but I was still ecstatic. Me, a father. It was incredible …’
Trevor had found his way next to Jay, and licked his fingers. Maybe the dog could sense he was upset. Lottie didn’t say anything, just waited for him to go on. She was a good listener … maybe too good, thought Jay, realising that he was pouring out his woes against all his resolve to keep his past quiet.
Too late now.
‘Turns out it really was unbelievable because at the six-week scan, the nurse told us the baby was actually ten weeks,’ he said. ‘Nadia had been twitchy for days before, trying to persuade me I didn’t need to come with her. Saying it was so close to Christmas and wasn’t I busy at work. Now I know why. She burst into tears after the nurse told us how many weeks the baby was. I didn’t realise what the dates meant straightaway but when she started sobbing her heart out, I worked it out. She couldn’t hide the truth then, and blurted it out right there in front of the nurse.’
‘That must have been a terrible shock.’
‘You could say that. It took my breath away. The nurse made a quick exit, saying “we must need time together”. I just lost it. I didn’t shout or swear; I just walked out. I felt humiliated, and grief-stricken. It wasn’t my baby. That life I thought we’d made together. It wasn’t anything to do with me. Jeez, I’d already painted the nursery, started reading the parenting books … all the clichés.’ He shook his head. ‘I feel such a fool.’
She leaned forward. ‘Why? For being excited about being a father? That’s completely understandable. I can understand that …’ Her words tapered off as if she’d said too much. Jay wondered if her eyes were suspiciously bright. ‘You must have felt your world had fallen apart,’ she said finally.
‘I did, but what followed was probably worse. It also split our family. Mum and Dad were so upset, they wouldn’t even speak to Ben at first but when the baby came, they naturally wanted to see their grandson. I can’t blame them for that. The problem is they’ve now shifted their view and want me to be reconciled with Ben, and for me to forgive and forget, but I can never do that.’
‘You must be so hurt. It must have been awful to see your family torn apart like that.’
‘It was. It still is, but I can’t get past it. I see my mum and dad but I refuse to go to any family occasion that Ben’s at too, which makes things awkward.’
‘No wonder you’re dreading Christmas. It’s easy to think everyone’s having an amazing time, surrounded by all the family. The truth is that almost everyone is struggling with something: bad memories, the tensions simmering. Disappointment.’
‘You sound as if you know what I mean.’ Jay snapped out of his woes. Here he was, bemoaning his situation and Lottie had been through even worse. ‘Last year must have been so difficult for you,’ he said.
‘It was. We were doing our best to be cheerful for the twins and they had no idea how serious Steph’s condition was. Underneath it all, everyone was terrified of losing her. Not just me but my parents. Mum went down with a bad chest infection with all the stress and had to keep away. My dad had a scare with his heart and of course, we didn’t dare tell Steph.’
‘Leaving you to shoulder the burden.’ He focused on her face: the delicate bone structure, the keen blue eyes and the determination behind them. She was strong as steel as well as beautiful.
She shrugged. ‘I didn’t see it like that. I just had to get on with it day by day.’
Jay wondered if she’d had a partner to help her at the time and if not, why not? ‘What about your family? Are they local?’
She laughed. ‘Not exactly. They moved to New Zealand before the twins were born, while they were still young enough to get working visas. Steph and I stayed here because of our jobs but it’s been hard since she was diagnosed. We do miss each other a lot though.
‘We don’t have any other siblings. As for friends … I found it hard to talk to them about …’ She faltered. It must be a painful time for her, Jay thought. ‘About Steph’s illness even to people I’d known for years. Every time I was on the edge of blurting out to someone how I felt, that I was struggling, I stopped myself. I wanted to cope alone. I felt I should and that talking about it would only exhaust me. I didn’t have time to talk to people, or the energy to make a scene or cry. It was simpler to just get on with it,’ she added quietly.
‘It’s less complicated, isn’t it? Once you tell someone, they start asking you how you are, texting you, and it saps what little energy you have. You have to rake over the bad times again and again, like pulling a plaster from a wound, and feeling the pain afresh. You wish you’d never told them …’ he said.
‘Yes. Yes, exactly.’ She nodded, and he felt drawn to her by an invisible bond. Even if their circumstances were very different, they were both scarred, and both unwilling to let anyone pierce the shell around them. Except each other, perhaps … the irony of that. He’d finally opened up a little to someone and glimpsed a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in a year, he could imagine growing close to a woman again. He’d been sucked into a spiral of cynicism, which he feared would be impossible to escape.
‘Lottie, I want you to know that until I kicked off about Ben, I’d been having a good time at the pub – if I’m honest, a far better time than I’d expected.’
‘I’m glad about that.’ She smiled. ‘It wasn’t as awful as you’d feared.’
‘Awful? No. It was great. Getting to know the others …’ Getting to know you, he thought. ‘Thank you for dragging me out to it.’
‘I’m sorry it ended like this.’
‘Me too but it’s not your fault. It’s my problem that I can’t forgive Ben but he’s right about one thing. It is time I carried on with my own life, instead of being angry about his.’
‘Then that’s all the more reason you should come to the Christmas ball,’ she said. Was that a glimmer of hope in her voice or was he imagining it?
‘The ball?’ he said, feeling panicky again. ‘I don’t know … I – I’ll think about it. I made such a tit of myself tonight that I don’t think I can face everyone at work.’
‘Just say you were feeling under the weather.’
‘Thanks, but I don’t think they’ll believe it. They will ask questions and wind me up.’ He shrugged. ‘I suppose it’s fair enough.’
‘You’d be disappointed if they didn’t.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘You shouldn’t care what they think, but if you do want to show that there was nothing seriously wrong tonight, then come to the ball.’ She smiled encouragingly at him. ‘Go on. It might not be half as bad as you think. In fact, you might even enjoy a chance to let your hair down. You can meet Steph too. You won’t want to miss that.’
He found it impossible not to smile back. ‘I’d like to meet her,’ he said, but really meaning he’d like to spend more time with Lottie. ‘Do I have to dress up though? Some of the guys have said it’s black tie. I am not a tux kind of guy, but you’ll have worked that out already.’
‘Wear what you like. No one will mind.’ Her eyes glittered with mischief. ‘You can turn up in your work overalls if you really want to.’
‘Oh, I think I can do a bit better than my overalls.’ The pleasure he felt seemed to thaw his frozen soul, and it was a warmth Lottie had rekindled. ‘If I come,’ he added hastily, wary of fully committing and not being able to change his mind.
She looked crestfallen. ‘Well, let me know …’
‘I will. I promise.’
He let her out, but sat up afterwards, restlessly turning over the night’s events. He’d missed female company. He’d missed company full stop and until Ben had walked into the pub, he’d felt he’d turned a corner and was ready to make a fresh start.
He heard the low drone of conversation on her TV and eventually, the creak of stairs and water running, presumably as she got ready for bed. It was comforting – and frustrating – to think of her on the other side of the wall
. So close … yet so far.
He had no intention of making it up with Ben, not even for his parents’ sake, but Lottie had opened up a view on an alternative path to the one he’d been hellbent on. A path with fresh horizons, and relationships. Tonight had been meant to mark a first step on that – if only Ben hadn’t turned up and hurled him back into the shadows.
Chapter Thirteen
Lottie was still turning over what had happened at the pub when she took the chance for a spot of party and Christmas shopping in Kendal on Friday. It was her day off and as there was a training day at the school, Steph and the twins were able to come with her.
Shayla had said she wanted the staff to have a Christmas bash as glamorous as any corporate event, so the dress code was ‘fabulous as you dare’, which seemed to cover all bases. While black tie wasn’t compulsory for the men, she guessed many would want to make an effort especially as many of the team wore uniform to work. Most of the female staff were excited about the excuse to dress up, and while some of the guys grumbled, she knew for a fact that several had had a day out in Manchester to hunt down new clothes. Jay hadn’t been one of them, but Lottie couldn’t help wondering what he’d be wearing, in the unlikely event he agreed to come.
It was a long drive from the northern Lake District to Kendal but they decided to take the scenic route. Every turn of the road brought a fresh panorama. The mountain tops were all white with snow, and even the lower fells had a dusting of snow on them. Their drive took them past Thirlmere with its dark pine-covered slopes and over the high pass at Dunmail before Grasmere came into view, with its church and Wordsworth’s cottage just outside the village.
A while later, they stopped for coffee in the bustling little town of Ambleside in the heart of the Lakes. Jay had mentioned his parents lived there and found herself imagining which of the cottages straggling up the fellside might be theirs. Finally, they reached Kendal, with the girls fidgeting in the back, desperate to be unleashed on the shops.
A Surprise Christmas Wedding: from the best selling author of A Perfect Cornish Christmas comes one of the most feel-good winter romance books of 2020 Page 11
