by Ann Grech
My reasons for speaking with Reef and Ford about it were completely innocent. I was only trying to figure out how to tell Caden without completely destroying whatever we had. I’d already ruined enough things for him, so I was just trying to soften the news that I’d been responsible for it all. Even though I hadn’t had a choice, and I certainly didn’t want to report it, I’d had to. My accreditation as a coach came with the condition that I blow the whistle on any suspected drug use. I’d held off as long as I could, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there was no way I could let it go when I walked into his hotel room and the cloying smell of weed hit me like a ton of bricks. His clothes reeked of it, but that wasn’t proof in and of itself. I hadn’t wanted to believe it, but Caden’s eyes left me with no doubt that he was stoned.
Even still, I hadn’t wanted to believe it was intentional, but I couldn’t not do anything either. I knew it’d affect his career, but the legitimacy we’d worked so hard to establish in the competition would be shot if I covered it up, even through omission. It’d do irreversible damage. Reporting him was the right thing to do to keep the sport professional, and there was no doubt that competitors like Reef and Caden were professionals. Drugs weren’t tolerated in running or swimming or any of the team sports, so it couldn’t be acceptable in snowboarding either. Still, making the call was the hardest thing I’d ever done.
Now I had to live with the consequences. Had I irreparably damaged our friendship? Had I managed to squash any potential that we’d become more? I didn’t know, but the silence was speaking volumes at that point.
What I did know was that we were dancing around each other. Tiptoeing awkwardly because none of us knew the rules. All I wanted to do was dive in headfirst, but I knew I couldn’t. Where did I even start? I wanted Caden, but I didn’t know whether he was prepared to even speak to me anymore. If he wasn’t, what would that mean for Ricky? I didn’t want to put him in a position where he’d have to choose between his friend or his lover, and getting involved with either one of them would mean exactly that.
I had to speak to Caden, had to check on him.
I wanted to hear his voice too. Needed it.
I blew out a frustrated breath and Ricky wrapped his arm around me, finally giving me the contact I so desperately needed. I turned in his arms and hugged him tightly, breathing him in. The play of his muscles under my hands made me moan softly, and I felt rather than heard the hitch of his breath. I may have been stupidly pushing for something I had no business wanting, but I couldn’t help it. I brushed my lips over his temple and nuzzled against him.
Ricky’s reaction was instantaneous. His fingers pressed into my back, gripping me harder as he blew out a harsh breath. Pulling back, I looked into his eyes before dropping my gaze to his lips. Those lips were made for kissing, and damn did I want to feast on them. I was drawn to him like a planet orbiting the sun, and I leaned in closer.
He wasn’t having it. Dropping his arms, Ricky stepped back and turned away from me, snatching his cell from the countertop. “Let me try calling him.”
I blew out a breath and fought the stab of pain in my chest. It was probably for the best; attraction was one thing, but him getting in the middle of the mess I’d created was quite another.
I scrubbed my hand across my forehead and nodded.
“Yeah, please.”
He held the cell up to his ear and waited, drumming his fingers against the countertop he’d moved near. A shake of his head told me all I needed to know—Caden hadn’t picked up. “Caden, we’re worried about you. Call us or text, whatever. We just want to know that everything’s okay.”
He hung up and gently put his cell down on the bench. Ricky looked like he wanted to say something, but I couldn’t hear it. I also couldn’t sit around waiting for a call that probably wouldn’t come. The walls were closing in on me. I needed to get out of there, to do something.
I spun on my heels and strode upstairs, changing into workout clothes. I was going for a run.
Riccardo
The door slammed shut as Mason left, and I wanted to kick myself.
God. Fuck. Damn it. Why didn’t I let him kiss me?
I’d been hesitant at first because he was so skittish. I wasn’t convinced that Mason even really knew what he wanted, what he was getting himself into. I’d wait as long as he needed, but when he gave himself to me, I’d want all of him. Until he was sure he could give it, I wouldn’t take the chance. Couldn’t. He’d already captured a piece of me, and I didn’t want to lose more of myself to him.
But that was the thing—it wasn’t only Mason I craved. I wanted Caden just as much, and I couldn’t imagine one without the other. But did Mason want the same? Sure, they were friends, and it was obvious how desperate Mason was to get Caden to start speaking to him again after his monumental fuckup, but that didn’t necessarily translate into being ready to—or even wanting to—jump into a triad relationship. I wished Mason had been upfront with him about the drug test. Caden would’ve eventually seen that Mason really had no choice. He would’ve forgiven him. What he might not forgive was Mason’s lie—by omission, but a lie nevertheless.
So there I was, confused as fuck. What the hell should I do? The idea of craving two people wasn’t the problem. I’d grown up in a pretty progressive household, especially for uber-Catholic Italy. My parents had an open relationship and never hid it from us, so I understood polyamory, having lived it for most of my childhood. The relationship wasn’t the issue either—I’d seen three people in a relationship work more than once. My problem was with others’ perceptions. Or maybe it was just what I thought of myself.
I was pansexual. I’d spent the better part of half my life explaining my sexuality to people, and they still didn’t get it. They always assumed it was a phase, that I’d eventually be able to make up my mind. Or they’d say if I wasn’t entirely straight, I was really a closeted gay man, because God forbid that attraction was fluid and could change. They had no idea; attraction to them was black and white. I’d fought hard to dispel the ignorant assumptions that I was really gay, or that I was into wild orgies because I could be attracted to all genders.
Finding myself wanting both Caden and Mason challenged everything I thought I stood for. I suddenly wanted wild orgies with them. But I’d been hemming and hawing, flip-flopping from hot to cold for weeks. I’d convinced myself that I was waiting for Mason to give me some sign that he wanted the same things as me. Maybe I was holding things up while I tried to come to terms with the fact that I was more like my parents than I cared to admit.
Mason was being patient with me, but I could tell it was wearing thin. He was confused, couldn’t understand why I’d touch him or react to him, then pull away. Every time I did it, I regretted it more. I was thirty-eight years old, old enough to know better than to hurt either one of them, but I had to be certain. I couldn’t risk losing either of them, and I knew choosing one over the other would end it for all of us.
The cell phone beside me sang out, though it wasn’t my ringtone but Mason’s. Caden’s name flashed on the screen, and I didn’t hesitate to answer it. Mason would be livid if I didn’t, and hell, I was just as worried about Caden as he was.
“Caden, hey. It’s Rick.” My relief was obvious in my tone.
There was a pause before he whispered, “Rick.” His voice was rough, and the despair behind it broke me. Raw pain, complete and absolute. I tried to suck in a breath, but my chest had constricted like a vise.
“What’s going on?” I gripped the edge of the countertop, terrified of what his answer would be. Something was very, very wrong. Even hearing just that one word, I knew it was so much worse than when he’d been suspended from competition.
“It’s all gone to shit.” His breath hitched, and I heard him taking a few deep breaths. “I’m in so fucking far over my head.”
I had no idea what to say, no clue how to make it right. But I needed to. “Baby not letting you sleep?” I hedged, tryin
g to get more out of him.
“Not really. She’s crying nonstop. She wants to feed constantly, but when I give her the bottle, she suckles but doesn’t really drink. I can’t put her down. I can’t sleep, can’t eat. I haven’t had a shower in days because she screams when she’s in her cot, and I’m too scared I’ll drop her if I take her in with me. I can’t do anything without her in my arms. I’ve managed to get her to sleep in her swing, but it’s only ever for a few minutes. It’s the first time in three days that she’s slept anywhere but on my chest.”
He was worried, exhausted and frustrated. It was obvious that he was stressed and so frazzled that he was beside himself. But why was she sleeping on his chest? Why wouldn’t his sister stay with her at least part of the time?
“How’s Annalise?” There was no answer for a long time, but I could hear him crying through the phone. “Caden, talk to me,” I pleaded, my heart breaking at his pain.
“She’s dead,” he rasped, the utter grief in those two words ripping me apart. Oh God. “She bled out during the C-section. Docs couldn’t save her.” He blew out a breath and his voice steadied a bit. “The autopsy showed no one was at fault.”
“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you and your pops to go through that.” My voice cracked when I spoke. My mind was spinning, reeling from the news, and my heart hurt. Caden and his father had suffered so much, lost so much, and now they were looking after a baby while grieving a loss that would’ve cut them soul deep.
“Dad’s not here.”
The silence lingered between us when I repeated his words in my head. “What do you mean? Where is he?”
“On the boat. He left just after it happened. He comes back for maybe an hour at a time, but he won’t come inside, won’t stay. He says he can’t, that it reminds him too much of Annalise. Even after the funeral when everyone was here, he wouldn’t come in. Sat in the damn chair in the garden staring out into space.”
Shock, grief, and anger coursed through me. I wanted to shake his father until I knocked some sense into him, but in some way, I understood that the loss of the two women he loved more than any others in the world had broken him. Caden had confided in us that his mother’s death had changed the man he looked up to. I knew his father would be unrecognizable now. I couldn’t hate him for that, but leaving Caden alone to grieve and cope with no support wasn’t right. That’s not what family did. They pulled together. They dropped everything and pitched in for as long as it was needed.
“We’re gonna help, okay? We’re gonna get you whatever you need, do whatever it takes. You’re not alone in this, Caden.”
“You don’t need—”
“Yes, I do, because that’s what people do for their friends, their family. We chip in and help. I can’t let you struggle when I can do something. Don’t ask me to do that.”
Caden’s response was quiet but strong. “Thank you.” I heard crying in the background, and the noise made something in my heart flip and a smile break out.
Caden had a baby. He was a dad.
“What’s her name?”
I could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke. “Gracie, after our grandmother.”
“That’s beautiful.” I paused, smiling. “Can you send us a photo? We’d love to see her.”
“Yeah, I can. Filled up my cell’s memory already. Her eyes are starting to turn green like Anna’s.” He sniffed and a rustling sounded through the line as the crying became louder.
“I’ll speak to you soon, okay? Keep your cell near you. I’ll text before we call to make sure it’s a good time for you.”
“I will.” He paused momentarily before continuing. “Rick? Thanks again.”
“Anytime.”
I hung up, letting him get back to Gracie, and closed my eyes, tears dripping down my cheeks. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. All I knew was that I needed to help, needed to take some of his heartache away.
I typed out a quick message to Reef and Ford, asking them to come over urgently. Ford was a paramedic; surely he’d be able to help, give Caden some advice. Even if it was just moral support, I knew they’d do what they could.
Mason
After my hour-long run, I stumbled back in to find Ricky joined by Reef and Ford in the living room, two of them on computers and Reef on the phone pacing. There was a hive of activity, but the air hung heavy in the room. It was tense, unusual for the three men. More often than not when we were together, there were jokes and teasing all around.
Sweaty and desperate for a drink, I held up my hand, stopping Ricky from saying whatever it was he had to say, and headed straight for the kitchen. Pouring myself a glass of water straight from the faucet, I chugged it down before repeating the action and swallowing another half a glass. I wiped my balled-up T-shirt across my face and down my chest before I turned back to him.
Ricky walked over to me. Something had happened in the time I’d been gone. He’d been crying, that much I could tell, and he was barely holding it together now. I tossed my sweaty shirt aside and reached out for him, grasping his biceps and gently squeezing them. “What’s wrong?”
“Caden called you while you were gone.” Ricky shook his head and took a deep breath, blinking rapidly.
“What’s going on? You’re scaring me.” There was a wobble in my voice that I didn’t even try to disguise.
“Caden’s sister died during the C-section.”
Ricky continued speaking after that, but white noise had filled my ears, a buzzing so loud that I could see his lips moving but couldn’t hear a single thing he said. Shock rocked me to my core. I dropped my hands and stumbled back, leaning against the wall for support. I was shaking my head, pleading, begging that the words weren’t true. He’d already lost so much; he couldn’t lose his sister too. He adored her. She was his best friend, his inspiration, and his rock.
“Mason, focus.” Ricky had his warm hands on my cheeks, his strong body so close I could feel the heat radiating from him. “We’re helping him, okay? We’re trying to get to him.”
“What about the baby?” I questioned, my heart racing.
“Annalise had a baby girl and she’s fine, but Caden’s not coping.” He fished his cell out of his pocket and showed me a photo of the sweetest baby with blue-green eyes staring at the camera, bottle in her mouth. “He named her Gracie.”
A little girl. I couldn’t help the small smile that tilted my lips when I thought about him raising a beautiful daughter, but it quickly slipped when I pictured him doing it alone.
“That’s not all, Mason. His dad’s pretty much checked out.” Ricky shook his head sadly. “He’s barely there, and when he is, he stares out to space. He’s not helping. He’s not even with it. Caden’s on his own.”
“We need to bring him home, Ricky,” I breathed, stepping closer to him. I needed him, needed to have him in my arms, to comfort him. I wanted Caden there too, wished I could have him between us to care for and treasure.
Ricky wrapped his arms around me as I did the same to him, and we sank into each other’s embrace, clinging to one another for support. I closed my eyes and turned my face into his neck, breathing in his spicy scent. I couldn’t help brushing my lips over his collarbone. When he shivered, I did it again, trailing soft kisses up the column of his throat, along his jaw to the side of his mouth.
“Whatcha doin’, Mason?” Ricky moaned softly.
“Kissing you.” It wasn’t a question. I wasn’t asking for permission. I was taking, and finally giving. As much as I wanted to slam my lips against his, to ravage him, leaving him with kiss-swollen lips and panting for breath, I couldn’t. Everything in me screamed to show him that it wasn’t just about sex for me. He meant so much more than that.
I brushed my lips against his in a gentle press, once and then twice before drawing away. I was intoxicated by the touch of his lips against mine, firm but soft all at the same time, rough and smooth too. As far as first kisses went, it was a hell
of a lot more innocent than any of my first kisses with girls, but it was so right. So perfect. It wasn’t just about hot desire and hard, sweaty sex. It was a promise, but something else too.
I really wanted more. I wanted everything, but it wasn’t the time. Not only did Caden need us, but I needed a shower.
I pulled back just far enough that I could rest my forehead against his, nuzzling his nose with my own. “Do you want this, Ricky? Us?” I asked, closing my eyes. I didn’t think I could bear it if he refused me.
He blew out a breath and squeezed my hips. “I do, but I’m confused.”
“What about?” I opened my eyes and looked into his whiskey ones. Cupping his cheek, I stroked his stubbled jaw with my thumb, the skin above his beard warm under my touch.
“I don’t just want you. I want Caden too. I don’t understand the how or why, and I’m sorry if it hurts you to hear it, but I want him too. It’s like you’re my perfect match together, and individually too. I don’t even know what to do with that. I don’t do threesomes or orgies. Yes, I’m pan, but that doesn’t make me a deviant.” Ricky closed his eyes and shook his head, his anger and frustration with himself pouring off him in waves.
So that’s what the yo-yoing was about. His uncertainty made a whole lot more sense now. I just hoped I could give him some peace of mind knowing he wasn’t alone.
“I’ve been researching this.” I smiled at him and lifted his face to mine, brushing a kiss over his lips even as he stiffened. I didn’t want to upset him, but I wanted him to know that I’d been confused too. “Pansexual people are attracted to the person, not their gender, right? So while being pansexual doesn’t make you greedy or unable to decide who or what you want, and it doesn’t make you a cheater, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that if there’s more than one person who calls to you and completes you in different ways, then you could be attracted to both of them. Is it?”
