by Robin Talley
“Sharon?” Mom asked behind me, sounding confused. “Are you going out again?”
“My name is Mrs. Dale, Peter,” Aunt Mandy said pleasantly. “We spoke on the phone once. Your sister is being very resistant to helping your poor friend Tammy, but I’m sure you’ll be more reasonable. After all, I’ve heard so much about you.”
I stopped moving.
She wouldn’t tell Mom about Peter. Would she?
Of course she would. She had no reason not to.
Peter’s face had gone white as he registered the threat.
“Mom.” I turned around. I couldn’t stand there, paralyzed, any longer. “Don’t believe anything she tells you. She isn’t here because she wants to help, she’s only—”
“I’m gay, Mom.”
My brother’s voice sliced through the room.
Mom froze on the sofa, her lips parted half an inch, her eyes unblinking. Even Aunt Mandy looked stunned.
“I’m sorry, if—” Peter swallowed. I turned back to face him, trying to support him with silent, steady eyes, but he was looking straight at Mom, a pleading expression on his face. “I’m really sorry if that upsets you, but it’s who I am. Tammy is, too—that’s why she had to leave home. Her aunt’s probably here to drag her back for electroshock therapy or something. So…now I guess you know everything we’ve been so scared to say all along.”
A quiet moment passed. Mom hadn’t moved.
Peter glanced my way. He nodded, a small movement, but enough for me to see.
This was my chance. Peter was wrong—Mom didn’t know everything. She didn’t know about me.
I could tell her. I should tell her. Telling her meant I’d never have to lie again.
But I hadn’t even told Tammy yet. I still wasn’t sure I understood it all myself.
Aunt Mandy jumped in to fill the silence.
“Peter.” Her smile had gone thin. “You’re a very confused boy, and I feel a great deal of pity for you, but I do hope you understand you’ve just broken your mother’s heart.”
I wanted to kick her, but Peter didn’t even seem to hear. He was focused solely on Mom, his eyes watery.
Aunt Mandy lifted a sleek brown canvas purse onto her shoulder. “Mrs. Hawkins, this should be a family conversation. I’ll pray for your son to find guidance through our Holy Lord and Savior. Now, I’ll see myself out. It was a pleasure meeting you.”
She was going to look for Tammy. What would she do when she found her? Drag her kicking and screaming back to Orange County to face her family’s wrath? Or was she only here because Tammy had proof that she and her husband were a pair of opportunistic thieves?
I wasn’t waiting to find out.
I shoved past Aunt Mandy, ignoring her yelp of complaint, and tore through the door and down the front steps. She was quick to follow in my wake, moving with astonishing speed in her brown suede pumps.
“You’re wise to leave, Sharon.” Her breath was cool and steady over my shoulder, as though we weren’t running at all. “No need to get involved in this messy situation with your brother. Let’s find Tammy so we can get her the help she needs, and I’ll be on my way.”
I whipped around to face her. “Shut UP!”
Aunt Mandy stepped back, her eyes widening in surprise. She wasn’t expecting me to shout at her. Neither was I.
“After what you just did?” I stood, my chest heaving. “You don’t know me, or my brother. You couldn’t care less if you’ve destroyed our family. All you care about is…”
But I couldn’t muster the rest of what I wanted to say.
I wanted to tell her to stop pretending she’d come here to help anyone. She only cares about herself—that’s all she’s ever cared about. She thinks she’s so important, that her church, her town, is her very own little kingdom.
But she’s going to lose. And when that happens, she’ll be left with nothing. Her, and all the others like her. They can keep trying to stop the world from changing, but nothing they do will make them matter in the end.
I wanted to shout the words loud enough for my entire block to hear. But my chest was heaving, and my voice couldn’t squeeze through the anger in my throat.
Aunt Mandy’s smile had faded a little, though. “Your brother is…confused.”
I wanted to tell her Peter wasn’t confused at all. He understood a lot more about the world than I did. And he knew a Hell of a lot more than her.
From the new tilt to her head and the thin line pressed between her lips, I wondered for a second if Tammy’s aunt might actually be starting to realize just how badly she’d screwed things up for my brother. I wondered if she might even feel guilty for it. Before either of us could say any more, though, footsteps rang out on the sidewalk, then stopped abruptly.
I turned. Tammy was watching us from ten feet back, her mouth hanging open, her purse slung over her shoulder.
She spoke quietly, but clearly. “Hi, Aunt Mandy.”
The strange expression on Mrs. Dale’s face transformed instantly into her usual sickly smile. “Tammy! Good heavens, your hair is so…well, never mind. Your friend here was just about to bring me to you, but I’m delighted you found us instead.”
“Don’t bother lying.” Tammy didn’t smile back. Her lower lip was trembling.
I wanted to shout at Aunt Mandy to get away from us, to leave Tammy alone. Yet when I opened my mouth, it was all I could do not to choke out a sob.
“You don’t have to pretend for Sharon’s benefit.” Tammy lifted her chin. “She already knows the truth. Every bit of it.”
“Then this should be easy.” Aunt Mandy’s smile didn’t fade a smidgen. “Let’s just get your things, and we’ll go back home.”
“Don’t act like you care about me going back.” Tammy reached into the purse on her shoulder, fumbling with the flap. Her eyes filled with tears, but her voice never lost its strength. “I know you don’t want me screwing up your perfect fucking family portrait.”
Aunt Mandy’s smile finally faltered at sound of the word fucking. “Young lady, I don’t know what you—”
“Here. This is what you came for. The only one of my things that matters to you.”
Tammy pulled a small, flat brown object from her purse and tossed it to the ground. Aunt Mandy’s eyes lit up. She stepped forward, bending down to snatch it up in an instant.
The check register.
Tammy was right. Her aunt didn’t come here for her at all.
Now my mother knew about Peter. She knew about Tammy, too. All for nothing.
“Is there some favor you’re expecting in exchange for this?” Aunt Mandy’s smile was slightly warmer than it had been before. It’s possible she was genuinely happy.
“I’m not stupid enough to expect anything from you.” Tammy crossed her arms. Her eyes shone with tears. “All I want is for you to leave me alone. You can consider that a parting gift.”
“I see.” The glee in her aunt’s eyes didn’t lessen. “Your parents will be disappointed you won’t be coming back, but I suppose, if that’s your choice…”
“It is.”
“Well, it may turn out to be a blessing.” Aunt Mandy’s eyes glittered. “Your family should see that soon enough. If they haven’t already.”
“Go to Hell.” Tammy balled both hands into fists.
“Such language you’ve learned in San Francisco.” Aunt Mandy chuckled. “Well, I’ll be on my way. Take care, girls.”
We waited as she walked slowly, casually, away from us, her hurried movements from a short while ago replaced by a light spring in her step.
I understood the full depths of Tammy’s hatred now.
I waited until her aunt had turned the corner and disappeared from sight before I turned back to Tammy. “Are you all right?”
She wiped the last of the tears off her face, her
gaze focused on the spot where Mrs. Dale had disappeared. “I honestly don’t know.”
“I’m so sorry.” I wanted to touch her somehow, but I didn’t want to startle her. I settled for laying a few light fingers on her elbow. If she noticed, she didn’t show it. “I tried to catch up to you before she could, but—”
Tammy let out a short laugh. “There was nothing you could’ve done to stop her when she was on a tear like that. We’re lucky we got out alive.”
“I guess.” I rocked back on my heels and took my hand off her arm. I knew she was upset, but I couldn’t help wishing she’d look at me. “Also, um. I should tell you. She came to the house first and talked to Mom. Peter got home, and your aunt was threatening him, and…he told Mom about him. And you.”
Now Tammy did look my way. “What did your mom say?”
“Nothing. I came to find you before she’d answered. She seemed upset, though.”
“Oh.” Tammy turned back to the house. We were halfway down the block, but we could see the front steps, looking the same as ever. There was no hint that a catastrophe had just happened inside. “Then I guess I’d better not go in.”
“I mean…it’s probably all right. She already said you could stay with us.” But I could hear the uncertainty in my words. Mom had said that before she knew.
“I don’t think so. But you should go in. You don’t want to leave your brother alone right now.”
Shit. I should’ve thought of that. “You’re right.”
“Take this with you.” Tammy pulled a notebook out of her purse. It was bent, the spiral bindings coming uncurled. She opened it, ripped out a sheet of paper, and folded it in half. “I wrote it last week, but I chickened out before I could give it to you. This is what I would’ve said at the coffee shop today.”
I took the paper. “Thank you. Tammy, I’m sorry, I…”
“Don’t worry about it. Just go back in, please.”
“What about you? Where will you go?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. You can call me at the store. Leave a message with Rosa and I’ll get it tomorrow.”
“What about until then? You can’t walk around the city all night again.”
“I’ll figure something out. Don’t worry.”
I shifted on my feet. This felt too much like a goodbye, and I still had a lot I needed to say to her. “I’ll come meet you at the store tomorrow.”
“Don’t. I’m not sure when I’ll be around—it depends on a lot of things. Besides, your brother’s going to need you.”
She was right. Still—“I’m so sorry this happened, Tammy.”
“Me, too.” She let out a tiny choking sound. “God, I’m so sorry. I ruined everything for your family.”
“You didn’t. It’s not that simple. Besides, none of this is your fault, not even a little bit.”
She shook her head. “There’s no point trying to figure this out now. Go. I’ll see you later.”
I wanted to touch her again. Instead I nodded and turned back toward home.
I told myself it was all right as I crossed the short distance up the block. I told myself I’d see her again. Soon.
But she was already out of sight when I climbed the steps and twisted the knob on the front door.
It was unlocked. The living room was quiet and empty. I stepped across it warily, as though I was walking into a war zone and had to keep alert for stray bullets.
“Mom?” I called. “Peter?”
My only answer was dishes rattling in the kitchen. I stepped through the door.
Mom was at the sink, twisting the faucet to run water over the breakfast plates. They were piled high, crusted with old syrup. I was supposed to have washed them this morning. Mom turned the water on full blast and shoved a plate under the tap.
“Mom?”
At first I didn’t think she’d heard me, but a moment later she turned her head without meeting my eyes. “Hi, Sharon.”
“Is Peter upstairs?”
She turned back to the dishes. “That girl can’t stay here anymore. I don’t want you seeing her again.”
I swallowed. “Mom, she didn’t do anything wrong, she—”
“You lied to me.” She wouldn’t look at me. “You might think I’m a fool, but I’m still your mother and you’re still a child, and I will not allow you to carry on this way.”
“I didn’t—”
“That’s enough. You’re grounded for the rest of the summer. I’ll pack up that girl’s things and put them on the porch. She can come pick them up when we’re not home, or if she doesn’t, I’ll throw them in the garbage, but she’s not setting foot inside this house again. Don’t go thinking you’ll be calling her or writing to her, either. Whatever it is that’s been happening to this family, it ends now.”
I gulped, tears pricking at my eyes. “I’ll pack her stuff. Peter can help me.”
“I don’t want you touching her things.”
What did Mom think? That Tammy was contagious? “Okay. I’ll just go upstairs then. Is Peter—?”
“Your brother’s not here.” Mom finally turned off the tap.
“What? Isn’t he grounded, too?”
“No. He’s gone.”
“What?” I didn’t understand.
Or…maybe I did.
“I told you. He’s gone. He isn’t coming back.” Mom turned her back on me, wrapping her arms around herself, her fingertips turning white as she gripped her elbows. She let out a hiccup, then a sob. “He said…he asked me to tell you goodbye.”
Yours, Sharon
Fall, 1978
Friday, September 22, 1978
Dear Tammy,
Hi.
I’m writing this early in the morning, staring out my window at the fog. I couldn’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking.
It’s been so long since I saw you. More than two months—gosh, it was June when you got here, and it was still June when your aunt showed up and everything went to Hell.
Please believe me, I tried to call you at the store the way we planned, but Mom wouldn’t let me touch the phone for two days after you left. She unplugged both extensions, took the phones into her room, and hid them. She made me call in sick to the O’Sullivans, too, even though it meant Mr. O’Sullivan couldn’t go to work. When she finally let me go back to babysitting she made me swear on Jesus’s name I wouldn’t use the phone while I was there, and, well… I did it, anyway. I didn’t think Jesus would mind. But Rosa told me you’d quit, and you hadn’t given them a number to reach you. She sounded sad about it, but I bet I sounded sadder.
I’m so sorry, Tammy. There were so many things I wanted to say to your aunt that day, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to stop what was happening, but I didn’t know how. I was scared. So scared I was useless.
I’ve been permanently grounded since you left. I can only leave the house for babysitting and church, and school, too, now that it’s started back up. Mom barely goes out, either, so we do a lot of avoiding each other. She spends most of the time in her room with the door shut. Even more than she used to.
I guess that’s mostly what I’ve been doing, too. I miss hanging out at the bookstore. I miss going to clubs, too, but not as much as I thought I would. I’ve got my records—I still listen to Horses every night—but going to shows, losing myself in the anger there…I don’t need that as much as I used to. I’m angry because I’m sick of everyone expecting me to want the same things they want, but I don’t need to yell about that as much as I did before. Instead I’m thinking more about the things I do want, and how to make them happen.
I think about you every day, Tammy. Ever since I talked to Rosa, I’ve been desperate to know if you were still in the city, and if your aunt went looking for you again. And a lot of other things, too.
I know the answer to the first question, finally.
My brother called yesterday while Mom was at a faculty meeting. He’d heard through the Castro grapevine that you’re staying with Evelyn and her roommates at their house near Valencia. He couldn’t get your phone number, but he found your address so I could write to you. He’s a good brother.
I was so happy when I heard that you’d found a place. So, so, so happy. I’m glad you’re with friends, but mostly I’m just glad you’re okay.
Peter even heard you’re going to be in some kind of art show soon. That’s so awesome! Maybe I can sneak out to see it.
I can’t help being angry you had to go hunting for somewhere to live, though, with no help from your family at all, even after they found out where you were. You’re only seventeen, the same as me. As Mom tells me over and over, I’m legally a child, which means I’m her responsibility. Well, that makes you your parents’ responsibility.
It’s different for Peter. Where he lives is his choice, and things between him and our mother are…not good.
They still haven’t seen each other, not since that day. He told me the rest of what happened, though.
As soon as your aunt and I left the house, Mom started crying. Peter went over to the couch and tried to reassure her, and at first he thought it was working, but then she started to scream. She shouted about how she hadn’t raised Peter to be gay and it was our father’s fault for walking out on us and…well, you get the idea.
So Peter left. He went up to his room, grabbed some clothes and some books, came back downstairs, and walked out the back door.
Mom didn’t speak the whole time he was packing up. When he said goodbye she just sat on the couch, staring out the living-room window, as though if she ignored what was happening, my brother would magically start being straight.
He hasn’t been back to the house since, but I’ve seen him a few times. He’s come to visit me at my babysitting jobs, but it’s hard for him to get away from work much, so mostly we talk when he calls the house. He always waits until he knows Mom will be out.
