I blow out a shaky, emotional breath as I stare ahead at the waves crashing up onto the beach.
I wanted to get out of the house before Ethan or our parents arrived home this morning. I needed time. Time to get my head together. Time to hopefully push him from my thoughts. I wasn’t expecting Mom and Eric to be back already. They’d told me they’d be home tomorrow, but I guess things change. I couldn’t cope with them, listening to all the wonderful things they’d done while they were away, so I ran. Ran right past Mom as she asked how I was. I felt awful as I did it, and I still feel terrible now.
Obviously, we moved after that horrific event—Mom’s coping mechanism for life: running away— and she ensured I had counseling at my next couple of schools to help me with my insomnia and the nightmares that plagued me, but although I told her it helped, I’m not sure it ever really did. It helped me to accept what happened, but I don’t ever think I’ll understand it or be convinced that it wasn’t my fault. He was the master manipulator, and I fell for it like the good little girl I was.
I both lost and found something that night. I lost my childhood, my innocence, but I gained an understanding of how strong I am, what I’m capable of. It was a hard way of learning that I need to be more aware of who I spend time with and look out for the signs I should have seen back then.
I learned that I have a choice, that I can stand up for myself. It taught me that just because it happened once, I don’t have to be the victim again. Thankfully, I never came anywhere close to it happening again. Until I moved here and met the asshole across the hall.
But things with him were different. I had a choice. I could see exactly what game he was playing and I either chose to play along or I didn’t. I had power. The kind of power I never had back then.
If I truly didn’t want him to lay a finger on me, then he wouldn’t have.
From the very beginning, I knew that for the first time in my life, I was going to allow him to take what he wanted, what I craved from him. And last night was no exception.
I needed it to be him to show me what sex is, how it should be. I’ve never cared about anyone enough to hate them, to argue with them like I have Ethan. And, although scary as hell to admit, it’s the truth.
It’s the reason I cried most of the night. Not because I gave him something that he didn’t deserve. But because after the event, he just walked out. He had no idea what a big moment of my life that was, how much I was trusting him with my body in those few moments. He had no reason to. But he walked away.
So either I was totally wrong about him and there being a redeemable human being hiding under all the hate and anger, or what I felt when we connected was totally one-sided. Maybe it was just sex for him. Maybe I was just another girl. Another notch in his bedpost. Rumor around school sure leads me to believe he’s got a few.
I sit in that exact spot on the beach until the sun starts to set. My stomach grumbles, having not eaten anything all day, and eventually forces me to stand and move.
I grab a takeout burger from Aces and plaster a fake smile on my face as Bill chats away to me about last night’s game, even though he knows I really don’t care. If I were in a less somber mood, his excitement might be infectious. But as things stand, it’s not.
I walk up toward the house with a ball of dread sitting in my stomach. Eric’s car is still here, but Ethan’s isn’t. Even with it missing, my hands tremble slightly that he’ll be home and want a repeat of last night… or worse, to talk about it.
I find Mom and Eric sitting at the table in the kitchen with dinner in front of them.
“Hey, honey. Would you like some dinner?” Mom asks hesitantly when I stop in the doorway.
“No, I’ve eaten, but thank you. Listen, I’m—”
“It’s okay, Rae.”
“No, it’s not. I’m sorry for this morning. Things have just been… hard starting over here. I’m sorry.”
“Oh honey, you should have called if you were having a hard time. You know I’ve always got time for you.”
Have you? The question is on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t allow it to slip out. What’s the point? If it were true, she wouldn’t have run the second we got here and forced me to find my own way.
“Has Ethan helped get you settled at school?” Eric asks, a hopeful look in his eye.
“Oh yeah. He’s been great,” I lie. More like a baptism of fire than a warm welcoming but whatever. What’s done is done. “Where is he?”
“I’m not sure. I hear last night’s game was incredible,” Eric says, like he’s expecting me to have been there.
“So I hear.”
“You didn’t go?” I have no idea why Mom looks so shocked. I’ve never been one to go to school events.
“No, I got a job and worked.” Unfortunately, admitting that means inviting a load of questions before I’m able to escape to the safety of my bedroom.
My bedroom door is closed—like I left it—when I get upstairs. I push it open, and the memories I tried to outrun when I left for the beach hit me full force. Why I didn’t tidy up my diaries before I left, fuck only knows. I rush over and start sorting them out so I can hide them back in the ottoman where they belong when one catches my eye. It’s the one I wanted. The one I wrote in after the events of that night. I don’t remember how I left it exactly, but something tells me it wasn’t open on this page or at this angle. I look at the page, but I refuse to read the words and look around my room.
Was he here?
That thought is only confirmed when I lift my most recent diary where I put my thoughts about last night. I’d left it on some possible song lyrics that seemed to sum up the situation nicely.
You seem to want me gone.
But I’ve done nothing wrong.
I hate this stupid game.
But I love it all the same.
Underneath those words is his handwriting, and my breath catches when I read the few words he’s written.
You should have told me.
I’m sorry.
My heart pounds at having confirmation that he was actually here and that he read this. He knows.
“Fuck.” My hands lift to my hair, and I spin on the spot, not knowing what to do. Depending on how he takes this, it could change everything, and as fucked-up as stuff has been, it was becoming normal. I’m not sure I want another change in my life.
Deciding I need to pull up my big girl panties and be the bigger person about this, I drag my bedroom door open once more and march across the hall. I don’t bother knocking, not wanting to know if he’d let me in or not if I gave him a warning, and like he’s done to me so many times, I throw his door wide open.
Empty.
A huge rush of air passes my lips as I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I feel totally deflated as I walk back to my room. What am I supposed to do now? Wait until he reappears and discover what he now thinks about this whole situation?
The rest of Saturday passes with radio silence from Ethan. I spend another fitful night’s sleep between looking at the ceiling and waking up covered in a cold sweat with his eyes staring down on me.
I’m in a foul mood when I wake Sunday morning, but it doesn’t stop Mom interrupting my silence and all but forcing me to have breakfast with her and Eric.
Neither of them have a clue where Ethan is, but Eric doesn’t seem too bothered, assuming he’ll have been at some party last night and still sleeping off the effects of the night before.
I try to be as nonchalant about it as he is, but I can’t help something twisting inside me. Everything isn’t okay. After Friday night and then him reading my diary, everything is far from being okay.
Digging in my purse for my cell the second I’m able to escape back to my room, I hope to see something from him. But as usual, no one wants me. I don’t really know why I bother carrying the thing around with me, it’s not like I have friends who want to chat.
I type a message out and delete it a million times. I don’t
want to look like I care, especially if Eric is right. Me appearing concerned will only be ammunition for him to hit me with later. I can already hear his words. “Aw, it’s so cute you care about me, sweet cheeks. Now how about you do something that really shows me you care.” The image of his naked body and hard cock fill my mind and every muscle south of my waist clenches in memory.
Damn him. Why do I want to do it all over again? I should be the one now wanting to push him over the fucking balcony, not craving that he fucks me over it instead.
I glance out of the doors to the small space and bite down on my bottom lip. I imagine looking out over the beach in the distance as Ethan fills me from behind.
Fuck. Get your head out of the gutter, Raelynn. The guy fucking hates you.
Without putting too much more thought into it, I hit send on the most recent message I typed out.
Where are you? Your dad’s home.
I sit and stare at the words, regretting them more and more as they taunt me from the screen. I thought by making it about his dad then it would look less like I’m worried, but I realize the fact I’ve sent it in the first place shows how I’m feeling. Eric’s probably already been in contact to let him know they’re home. He doesn’t need to hear it from me.
Dropping my cell to the bed, I throw myself back onto the pillows with a groan of frustration. Even not here, he’s fucking with my head… and your body. My thighs clench at that thought, my temperature increasing as I remember our time together. The look in his eyes. The way his muscles tensed as he was about to come. The fullness of his parted lips as he groaned in pleasure.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
28
Raelynn
“We need to talk.” I look to my left and right where my arms have just been captured and find Barbie and Sindy attached to each one, looking like they’re on a mission.
The three of us walk along as if we’re best friends. I had a feeling something like this would happen seeing as Ethan never reappeared yesterday or this morning. And if what the rumor mill is saying is correct, then he didn’t turn up for morning practice earlier either.
Neither of them stops until the three of us are standing in the girls’ locker room. Granted, it’s a welcome relief from being dragged into the guys’, but it’s still not really a place I want to be. At least it smells better.
They both guide me over to the benches in the center of the lockers and the three of us sit, me one side, them opposite.
“I’m pretty sure this could be classed as abduction,” I mutter.
Barbie cracks a smile, but Sindy keeps the hard expression on her face. “Cut the shit, Rae. We need to know what’s going on with Ethan.”
“Then you should probably go and find someone who cares.”
“We have,” Barbie states, her eyes drilling into mine as if she can read my mind.
I blow out and accept that I can either openly talk or be coerced into it, and I don’t have the time or the energy for the latter.
“We know you slept with him.”
“Right. And what’s the issue? He worried I wasn’t all that impressed and that I’ll ruin his reputation?”
Both of them stare at me with blank expressions.
“No, he’s worried you didn’t want it. That he forced you.”
My chin drops. “W-what? That’s why he’s vanished? Because he thinks he…”
“Yeah. We found him laying into Zayn, drunk off his face after the event, and we dragged him back to Jake’s. He was a fucking mess.”
“So did he…” Sindy adds.
When I don’t respond, Barbie tries. “Did he force himself on you, Rae?”
“Do I look like the kind of girl who does things she doesn’t want to?”
“No, but with things like this… that often doesn’t matter.” Barbie’s voice gets quieter as she finishes her sentence.
“Ethan might be an asshole, but he’s not a fucking rapist.” The word is bitter on my tongue, but I refuse to beat around the bush about this, no matter what horrors lie in my past.
They both sag in relief, showing just how worried they both are for their friend.
Deciding I’m in this deep and that I may as well give them a little more, I open my mouth again. “I won’t lie, things between the two of us haven’t exactly been sunshine and roses since I turned up. He’s not exactly been… welcoming, shall we say.”
They fall silent, obviously sensing that I have more I want to get out. I don’t want to tell these two anything, I don’t want them thinking I want to be friends or any crazy shit like that, but having the opportunity to get all this off my chest after bottling it up for what feels like forever becomes too much. “I’ve pushed back against him just as much. I wouldn’t say I’m innocent in all this. I also wouldn’t say that I’ve not enjoyed some of it. I’ve never really had anyone…” I trail off, suddenly realizing I’m giving them too much. They don’t need to know that I’ve been lonely since the one person I trusted ruined everything for me. I’ve refused to become attached to anyone else since for fear of the past repeating itself.
“Do you… do you know where he is?” Sindy asks, shocking the hell out of me, seeing as I thought he was with them.
“N-no. He’s with the guys, isn’t he?”
Barbie shakes her head. “None of us have seen him since going to bed Friday night. He was gone when we all got up the next morning. Not seen or heard from him since.”
“Fuck,” I mutter, the image of his writing in my diary filling my head. “He came back to the house. Our parents are back. He went into my room.” I suck in a shaky breath as the feelings from finding out he’d read everything hit me once again. “I’d left something on the bed. It probably freaked him out more than he already was if what you’re saying is true.”
“What?”
I shake my head, not willing to give these almost strangers any more information on my fucked-up life. “It doesn’t matter. Just know that it wouldn’t have helped.”
“Okay, so…” Sindy starts before trailing off, hoping someone might have an idea.
“Have the guys spoken to the rest of the team? He’s probably just crashed on one of their couches or something.”
“Nope, no one’s seen him. They need him, Rae. The next playoff game is next Friday. He needs to be at training. Needs his head in the right place. Can you reach out to him?”
“I messaged him already. No response.”
“Fuck. We need to find him.”
“And in the meantime?” Sindy asks.
“We keep Rae here company.”
“Oh, um… that’s really not necessary.”
“I think it is. We still hardly know you, yet you’re already important to—”
“Don’t say it,” I groan, cutting Barbie off.
“You like him, don’t you?” Both of their eyes bore into me as I try to come up with an answer.
“N-no, he’s an asshole.”
“Oh, hun. We know all about assholes and how they have this weird ability to steal your heart when you least expect it.”
“No, he’s not… I haven’t…”
“We need to get to class, but we’re hanging out after school.”
“Can’t. I have work.” I’m sure I’ve never been more relieved that I have to work for my own money.
“Okay, well, how about we come over after? Hang out, do homework?”
“I don’t have a choice, do I? If I say no, you’re going to show up anyway, aren’t you?”
“We sure are.”
“Let’s go, or Mr. Richards will have us all in detention for skipping,” Sindy says, linking her arm through mine.
“Rae, please try reaching out again. We all need him.”
I nod to Barbie, who takes off in the opposite direction to her own class.
We walk in silence for a few seconds before Sindy speaks. “You’re allowed to have friends here, you know. Ethan might think he wants you to leave, but I have a feeling he’d miss you if
he ran you out of town now.”
“I’m not sure about that,” I mutter as the door we’re aiming for appears in front of us, and I sigh in relief.
“This is your home now, Rae. It’s time you accepted it and realize that it comes with a side dish of friends, whether you like it or not.”
Sindy lets me go as we enter the classroom only a few seconds behind everyone else. The chair at the back of the room beside Jake taunts me, but I keep my eyes down and focus on where I need to go as I walk through the room.
As the day progresses, the rumors get more and more unbelievable as to where he’s gone but equally the tension rises, because everyone in this school is relying on the Bears giving them a victory this year. More and more of the students’ attention turns on me. Last week I was mostly invisible. But this week, word is starting to spread about who I am, or more so where I live.
By the time the final bell rings, I’m beyond ready to get the hell out of the place and the curious looks of everyone around me.
I walk straight out of school, foregoing a stop at my locker, and head straight for the bus stop that will take me to Aces.
If I thought it was going to give me a reprieve from the questions and stares then I was very wrong, because by the time the bus has stopped a million times on its route, other members of my class have already driven here and got themselves comfortable at their designated tables.
At least the football slash cheer table is empty… for now. I’ve no doubt they’ll all come tumbling through the door soon, looking for answers, just like everyone else.
“So…” Cody says, dragging me from my thoughts. “Friday night was… interesting. What’s the deal with you and Savage then?”
“No deal. He hates me.”
The fucker has the audacity to laugh at my comment.
“Rae, come on. I had you pegged as one of the smart ones. That boy doesn’t hate you.”
“Really? Are you sure we’re talking about the same guy?”
SAVAGE: Rosewood High #3 Page 22
