“In what? God?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, yeah. Don’t you?”
Rion shrugged. “I’m not sure. I think I mostly gave up on that idea a long time ago.”
His brow wrinkled. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” Rion was beginning to regret bringing it up. “If there is a god, I just don’t think I can be OK with the shit he does to innocent people.”
“B-but,” Shep sputtered. “He doesn’t give anyone more than they can handle.”
“Really?” Rion stared at him flatly.
He must have realized what he was saying and he looked at the counter. “I know you—and Kerry—and Beckett—and lots of other people have been through…some really bad stuff. I’m just saying, everyone struggles. But, if you trust that there is a higher power guiding you, and acting in your best interest, you can get through it.”
“But, you just contradicted yourself.” As Rion’s heart beat harder, so did her head. “You said he ‘doesn’t give you more than you can handle,’ but then, turned around and say that he guides you through hard times. Which is it? He puts it on you? Or helps you through it?”
“It’s not that simple!”
Rion knew she was picking a fight, but she couldn’t stop. “Do tell then.”
“Life isn’t perfect. God gives us free will. And some people choose to do really terrible things with it. But, he—and faith in his love—can get us through it.”
Rion snorted. “Look, I’m not saying I believe or don’t believe—I really don’t know. But, if there is a god—he’s a real asshole.” Shep gaped at her. “You say god won’t let you go through more than you can handle—but if he really loved his creations—like he supposedly does—then why does he let children—of all people—suffer?”
“Going through hard times teaches us all something—”
“What was I supposed to learn from my mom trying to sell me to her dealer for drugs?” Shep was rendered speechless. Rion immediately wished she hadn’t said it. But, it was too late to put the cat back in the bag. “I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that...” her voice softened and trailed off. She lost the anger to keep the argument going.
“What happened?’
“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“But, you did…”
Rion groaned internally, but shrugged. “She didn’t have drug money. She tried to leave me with her dealer. To do ‘chores.” But, the dealer’s girlfriend came home and got pissed when she found out. She dropped me off at a hospital. That’s the second time I was in foster care.” Rion told the story while staring at the counter.
“I’m-I’m sorry.”
She could feel Shep’s eyes on her and she could see his hand slid across the counter. Before he could grab hers, she slid off the stool. “I think I’m going to throw up,” she hurried to the bathroom without look back.
As the day wore on, Rion began to feel more and more like they were sitting vigil for a terminally ill person. They took Beckett food, but they didn’t try to get her to leave the bedroom. Nor did she try to leave it on her own. They would open the door, slide food in, get a glimpse of her crouching in the dark—either on the bed or in dark corners—and shut the door behind them. They took turns showering because, by unspoken agreement, none of them wanted to leave Beckett alone, or leave anyone alone with her.
When Kerry was in her apartment bathing, Shep began cooking dinner. He sliced steak and stir fried them with peppers, onions, and mushrooms. It wasn’t long before the scent wafted about the apartment pleasantly. “Where did you learn to cook?” Rion asked him. They hadn’t talked much on their own since their disagreement over religion.
“My dad,” Shep smiled at her over his shoulder.
“Is he still alive?”
“Yeah.”
Something about his tone sounded off. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What? You know plenty about my past…”
“He left when I was a teenager.”
“Your mom?”
“My mom, me and my siblings, the commune. All of it.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you seen him since?”
“No. Never heard from him again.”
Rion watched his shoulders for a while. They rolled and rippled beneath his tee-shirt as he stirred the meat. “How do you know he’s still alive?”
It took him a while to answer. “I don’t I guess.”
“Sorry.”
“Nah,” Shep smiled at her again. “Don’t be.”
“I don’t have any memories of my dad.”
“None?”
“Not really. I have vague impressions. But nothing for sure. I just remember being scared of him.”
“That’s a shame.”
“Was your dad good?”
“Up until the day he left.” The sadness in his voice made it heavy.
“Did you get to say goodbye?”
“Yeah. I knew he was going somewhere. I just didn’t know he wasn’t coming back. It wasn’t until I checked my parents’ room that I realized he had taken all his stuff with him.”
“Damn.” Shep only responded with a shrug. “What was the commune like?”
After a sigh, Shep turned the burner down to keep the food warm before turning to face her. He leaned over the counter and their faces were only a foot apart. Unconsciously, Rion wanted to lean away. She fought the urge. Mostly, she told herself, to not hurt his feelings. “It was…weird. I didn’t really realize how weird until I left though.”
“Didn’t you go to school?”
“There was a school at the camp. That’s what we called it, you know. We didn’t call it a commune,” he smiled kindly. “I didn’t realize it was a commune until I left.”
“Why did you leave?”
Shep’s jaw tightened. “Father Daniel ran the place. It was fine then. We all cooked together. Grew food together. Sang together. We shared everything. There were squabbles. Mostly from the new people who arrived. I don’t remember much before the camp. I was really young when we moved there. My brother and sister hadn’t even been born yet.” He turned back to the food to stir it. “Then Father Daniel died. His son took over. Things changed then.”
Rion didn’t interrupt. But, it took him a while to continue. Finally, after leaning on his elbows again, he spoke. “He went by Brother Paul. He wasn’t a good man. He started instituting all these rules. Like, only the elders could go into town to shop. And the women needed to be educated separately.” Rion’s stomach churned both from knowing where the story was going and from her residual hangover. “Eventually, the women had to attend private counseling sessions with the elders. Obviously, the elders were all men.”
“Shit,” Rion muttered.
“Yeah. When my mom started attending sessions with Brother Paul, my dad tried to put his foot down. But, she wouldn’t hear of it. She—I don’t think she minded the sessions. It, of course, caused my parents to fight a lot. The more pissed off my dad got, the more of a stink he caused, the worse things got. For him and the other men. My dad helped them have the balls to stand up to what was going on.”
“How did things get bad? Or worse, I guess.”
“New rules. Like, only elder men were allowed to dine with the women. All the single women began sleeping in dormitories. The ones who had families still stayed in their own cabins, but they attended group therapy sessions most of the day.”
“What kind of therapy?”
“The official story was spiritual counseling.”
“But…”
“I think we all knew what was going on. But the women didn’t seem to mind. So, the men had a really hard time putting a stop to it.”
“Why did your dad finally leave?”
“He-he just couldn’t take it anymore,” Shep shrugged. “A lot of other men left too.”
“They just left the kids there?”
“Mos
t of us didn’t want to leave. That was the only home we knew. And our mom’s weren’t leaving. And the kids stayed with the mothers most of the time. Brother Paul kept the men out working and away from their families as much as possible.”
Rion watched Shep plate the food. Even more than before, she wondered how he could be religious. A man had used religion to tear his—and plenty of other families—apart. She felt both sorry for Shep and pitied him a little. Rion jumped when the door opened. She was relieved as Kerry hurried inside wearing yoga pants and a tank top. Her return lightened the mood as only her energy could. If nothing else, the woman was resilient. So much so, that Rion envied her.
Fourteen
Monday morning, Rion opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt a weight on her neck and it would have alarmed her if she hadn’t fought Kerry off the whole night. For such a tiny woman, she took up a lot of room in the bed. One time, Rion had woken to Kerry wrapped around her and breathing in her ear. Another, Kerry had buried her face into Rion’s neck and her damp breath creating an awkward stickiness. She became aware of movement in the apartment and she sat up in alarm.
Relieved to see it was just Shep, she untangled her legs from Kerry’s and rolled out of the futon. “Breakfast again?” she croaked.
Shep smiled at her. “Yeah. I am a polite house guest.”
“I’m going to get used to this.”
“Good,” Shep winked at her.
Rion’s shoulders stiffened and she looked away. The better she got to know Shep, the more uncomfortable she felt around him. She had assumed after their disagreement the day before he wouldn’t still be flirting with her. It was confusing that he still was. She would have liked to take another shower, but she didn’t have time. She had managed to get Beckett into the therapist earlier in the day, so they needed to hurry.
By the time she returned Kerry was also awake and seated at the counter with a cup of coffee. The way that both she and Shep looked at her, Rion was sure they had been talking about her. Instead of questioning it, she eased open the bedroom door and jumped backwards. Beckett was standing just inches from the door. She swallowed and took a fortifying breath. Acting like she was afraid of her wouldn’t help anything. At best, her sister would think she was afraid of her. At worst, the thing—if there was a thing—would know she was afraid of it.
“Good morning,” Rion’s voice cracked. Beckett didn’t answer but narrowed her eyes at her and sniffed the air. “I need you to get cleaned up and dressed. We have a doctor’s appointment today. Do you need help?” Beckett continued to stare at her for a long moment. After an uncomfortable amount of time she finally shook her head. “OK, good.” Rion sighed in relief. Maybe she is feeling better. She started into the room to get dressed. She had considered that it might be a bad idea. But the relatively positive response had emboldened her. She regretted the decision when Beckett dropped into a crouch and snarled. Before Rion could react, Beckett launched herself at her.
Instinct sent her reeling backwards so fast she couldn’t recover in time and she stumbled over her own feet. When her butt hit the floor, her breath seized and pain shot into her back. She heard Kerry and Shep running to help as she rolled onto her side. From a skewed angle on the floor, Rion saw Shep move towards Beckett, but the little girl darted back into the bedroom. Kerry grabbed her by the shoulders and tried to pull her away and Shep slammed the door shut.
They all remained motionless for a long while. Kerry with her hands under Rion’s shoulders, unable to move her an inch on her own. Rion remained on the floor trying to catch her breath. Shep stood nearest the door, knees bent, one hand on the knob ready to hold the door shut. The moments ticked by and there was no sound from the other side of the room. After what felt like an hour, Shep finally stepped away from the door. “Are you OK?” he turned to Rion.
“I think so. I just hurt my butt.”
Kerry chuckled and they both looked at her appalled. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. But, I don’t know what else to do.”
Shep knelt next to Rion and waved Kerry away. He helped her stand with one arm behind her back and another holding her hand. She was embarrassed that she squeezed it harder than necessary but was relieved when he returned the sentiment. “Dammit,” she muttered. “I should have known better.”
“What happened?” Kerry asked.
“I just—she seemed better. Almost like normal—well, normal for her anyway. I started to go in to change and she went after me again.” A deep, exhausted sigh deflated her chest. Shep helped her onto a stool at the counter and she winced as she sat down.
“Are you OK?” Shep asked again.
“I guess so.” Everyone knew what she meant. “Beckett,” she called, careful to keep the anger out of her voice. “You still have to get ready. You still have to go to this appointment. If you don’t, Chambers is going to come and take you away.” She felt terrible making threats, but she didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t know how else to get the kid to cooperate.
The three of them watched as the bedroom door eased open and Beckett peeked out. Her eyes flashed angrily and her teeth were bared. Rion swallowed her anger, fear, and even a little disgust. How is this a little kid? What the hell can turn a kid into a monster? Not for the first time, Rion wondered if the kid was faking it. If she was seeking attention. Or, simply acting out as a result of witnessing her parents’ murder. Beckett darted from the bedroom into the bathroom. Rion shuddered as the door slammed shut. “Would one of you get her clean clothes? Just leave them outside the door again.”
“Sure,” Kerry whispered.
Rion met Shep’s gaze. “How the hell am I going to get her to the therapist’s office?”
“She seems to follow directions…” he muttered helplessly. “And she doesn’t seem to want to be taken away from here. I’d say we use that.” He hurried to the stove to turn off the pot of bubbling oatmeal. “I’ve got a problem though.”
Rion gave him a sideways look. “God, what now?”
“I have to go to work today?”
“Oh…”
“I fully intended on helping you take Beckett. But, I can’t get out of work. If I call in, I’ll get written up.”
His pained expression softened her disappointment. “Oh, don’t worry.” She had to swallow a lump of worry in her throat. “I can handle it.”
“Shut up,” Kerry waved her comment away. “I’ll help.”
“You really don’t have to…”
“Nonsense. I don’t have anything better to do.”
“It could get…dangerous.” Rion thought of all the ways things could go wrong and nearly cried.
“Like I said, I don’t have anything better to do.”
Rion still felt like crying. Both from relief as much as worry.
When it was time to leave for the therapist Rion found her hands shaking. She stood outside Beckett’s bedroom taking deep breaths. She could feel Kerry’s anxiety matching her own. She turned around to say something to Kerry and nearly collided with her. She had been standing inches away and Rion didn’t realize it.
“Shit!”
“Sorry!”
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” Kerry shrugged. “How can I help?”
“I don’t know,” Rion moaned quietly. “We gotta get this over with. We gotta leave now if we’re gonna make the appointment on time. It was already noon and their appointment was at one. If they left now, they would barely make it. She turned back to the bedroom, took a deep breath, knocked on the door, and then opened it.
Beckett was sitting at the foot of the bed glaring at the door. Rion resisted the urge to step back. “Are-are you ready?” she croaked. Beckett tilted her head, studying her carefully. After a moment, she nodded. “You have to be good,” Rion said firmly. “You can’t attack me—or anyone else.” After a pause, glower, and head tilt, the kid nodded again. Rion wished for the little girl’s one word answers again. She turned and nodded at Kerry.
“Let’s do this.”
Kerry nodded at her and smiled at Beckett. “You ready Becks.”
Beckett stared at her for a moment before curling her lip and marching past them both. She stopped and waited at the front door. Kerry and Rion looked at each other. Rion could feel the tension heavy in the air pushing down on her lungs. So, so many things can go wrong. She stared at the back of Beckett’s head and doubt crept in again. Wouldn’t it be better to turn her over to someone more equipped to care for her? The voice of reason tried to wiggle in. Then she remembered the scared look in the kid’s eyes and she shook off the doubt.
Rion knew she might not be the best choice to take care of Beckett. But, she knew she wasn’t the worst. She knew what the worst was like. She had agreed to take care of the kid. She made a commitment. It wasn’t fair to Beckett to give up just because it was hard. This wasn’t the kid’s fault. It was the fault of a terrible excuse for a father—and mother apparently. She grabbed her purse from the couch and Kerry followed her to the door.
Beckett stepped out of the way quickly and kept a close eye on the two women as they unlocked the door and opened it. “Let’s go,” Rion held the door open. Beckett waited until Rion gave up and both she and Kerry stepped through. Only then did Beckett also step through the doorway. The kid didn’t wait for them, instead, she scurried down the stairs. “Wait!” Rion called. “Don’t go out the door!” Surprisingly, Beckett stopped at the glass doors. The two women looked at each other, surprise lifting both their brows. “She’s surprisingly cooperative,” Rion whispered, cautiously feeling optimistic.
By the time they started down the stairs, Bernie’s door was opening and Rion’s heart sank. She picked up the pace hoping to make it to Beckett before something bad happened. Bernie’s door slowly creaked open and Beckett was turning on one heel. “Beckett!” Rion called, hoping to distract the kid. “Stop!” she hissed. At the landing, she reached out for Beckett’s shoulder at the same time the old man appeared in the doorway.
“Good morning, ladies!” he called pleasantly.
“Good morning!” Beckett chirped.
Something Happened Page 19
