I shook my head. “No.”
“I already told you I’d rather die than get taken.” She was so young, yet her eyes and voice told an entirely different story.
“I won’t let either of those things happen.”
“Not everything is in your control.” She was right, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t protect her.
“I’m well aware. That doesn’t mean I can’t do this.”
“Just give me the pill.” She held out her hand. “Just in case.”
“And what happens if you take it too soon? Before we know for sure?” Time and again I’d been in situations that seemed dire only to have them change at the last moment. “It’s too risky.”
“But it’s not too risky for you to have it?”
“I never said that. I’m not bringing one either.” I wasn’t dying here. I would make it back to Kayla.
Addison nodded. “Yes, I know you want to get back, but it’s different for you. You won’t get kidnapped. They’d just kill you on sight.”
What a world to live in when getting killed on sight was the positive outcome. “I’d be tortured. They won’t kill me on sight. They also may have even more control than I know.” I’d been used as a lab rat. I liked to forget that but doing so was dangerous.
“Yeah, Denver worried about that...”
“He isn’t the only one. So far everyone has failed to get through. We are the only hope, and we can’t screw this up.” No sense sugar coating anything.
“Is this where you tell me you think we should go back for reinforcements before we try?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Not at all. It’s going to take too long to recover the ground. Besides, if I go back, I might not be willing to leave again, and I’d have to. Who knows how long they have before the commune is discovered.” I didn’t say what I was really thinking. My true fear. What if it was too late already?
“Then let’s go. Let’s do this and do it right.”
“Agreed.” As much as I urged caution, I also understood we couldn’t just sit around and wait. “But we need to suit up.”
“Suit up?” She raised an eyebrow.
“We may not have the numbers, but we have the equipment.”
“Have you been holding out on me?” She inclined her head to the side.
“No. Denver was holding out on all of us.” I stepped past her into the small hallway. “Or really, Denver was saving things for this very situation.”
Addison followed me down the hall. “Well, come on. Don’t leave me waiting.”
Four
Maverick
Sometimes when the sun was rising or setting at just the right point I was able to pretend happiness was possible. I’d usually experience that sensation while Bailey and Faith ran around us with their arms stretched out like little planes; Bailey looking positively huge next to the teetering toddler that was her cousin. And when Quinn lounged near me, her head back with a huge grin on her face, I felt almost at peace.
I often fantasized about leaning over and kissing her, right there, without any regard to the consequences. But it never left the fantasy stages. I held on perhaps too tightly to Quinn’s declarations that I was truly a good friend. That she couldn’t imagine life without me. I reassured myself she didn’t want someone to be more than a friend to her. She just wanted companionship. That was more than I’d ever dreamed of having. As usual, I didn’t rock the boat.
“It’s been too quiet.” Kayla sat cross-legged next to Quinn in the grass. The girls were fast asleep in the cabin already, so we sat nearby in case one of them woke up. Bailey still woke up screaming from time to time. Screaming for her mother. Even more often, Quinn did the same. Screaming for Bailey.
“You worry too much.” Quinn patted her sister’s leg. “Nothing has changed in months. We got rid of those traders, and they never sent more.”
“But that’s the point. Something is going to happen eventually. What if the quiet is only the calm before the storm?” Kayla began bouncing her leg.
“You may have a point.” I chose my words carefully. Quinn wasn’t going to like it if I seemed to be siding with Kayla, but I’d sworn to protect all of them—once three and now four. I couldn’t just brush aside common sense to keep Quinn happy. “It has been really quiet.”
“Quiet is good.” Quinn braided her long blond hair down her left side.
“Not this kind of quiet.” Kayla pulled her knees up to her chest.
“You’re just upset about other things.” Quinn pulled a long strand of grass and used it to tie the bottom of her braid. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“That is not true.” Kayla wrapped her arms around her knees. “And you know it.”
Quinn hadn’t used Mason’s name, but we all knew what she was talking about.
Quinn reached out and took Kayla’s hand in hers. “When Benjamin died I thought life was over. But look at us now. You can do this. You have all of us to help you with Faith.”
“You think that’s what this is about?” Kayla slid her legs back down. “That I don’t think I can raise a child alone?”
“No. That’s not what I mean.” Quinn took her hand back. “Don’t twist my words.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Just that you’re lonely. You miss him. I understand. Trust me I do.”
“This has nothing to do with Mason.” Kayla scowled. “Nothing.”
“Then what is it you want us to do? Throw up our arms?” As if to demonstrate, Quinn put her hands in the air.
I held back the smile that wanted to come out. Siblings were so rare in our world that watching the two sisters squabble was entertaining, even if the subject matter was urgent.
“What good would that do?” Kayla sighed. “We need to double the patrols. Make sure that we have all the information.”
“That we have all the information?” Quinn gasped. “Are you seriously doubting Ramona and the others?”
“I’m not seriously doing anything. I’m trying to be careful. For the sake of our daughters.” Kayla glanced at the dark cabin.
“We are safe here. Completely safe.” Quinn tapped the grass next to her.
Something akin to anger flashed in Kayla’s eyes. “You know as well as I do that we aren’t completely safe anywhere. I’m fine with you pretending in front of the girls, but not in front of me.”
“What brought this on?” Quinn leaned away from Kayla slightly. “Why right now?”
Kayla pulled at the grass. “It’s just a feeling deep in my bones.”
Quinn paled. “Okay. That’s important then.”
“Wait.” I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. “You’re willing to listen because she has a feeling deep in her bones?” How had she done such a complete 360?
“Kayla has a sixth sense. She has saved us more than once by listening to it.”
“Too bad it doesn’t always work,” Kayla mumbled.
“Thomas may be fine. Completely fine.” Quinn patted Kayla’s arm. Thomas? How did she know Kayla was talking about their brother? Did the two share some unspoken communication?
“Just like Mason,” Kayla whispered.
Quinn gasped again. “Kayla… you’ve never. No. You can’t. No giving up hope.”
“I’m not giving up hope; I’m trying to face reality.”
“It’s Bolton, isn’t it?” She jumped to her feet. “Don’t listen to him. He’s interested in you. He’s angry.”
“This isn’t Bolton. It’s me. It’s me feeling guilty that we’re sitting here while he’s out there. While they are all out there.” Kayla’s expression hardened.
“You needed to stay. I mean can you imagine if you had gone and then found out about the pregnancy? That would have been a disaster.”
“Yes. I agree. Faith is safer here.”
Her words hit me. “You can’t be thinking of leaving.”
“I can’t?” Kayla lay back in the grass.
“No.” I shook my head. “You ca
n’t. You need to stay here. Faith is far too young to risk traveling.”
“I know. And she’d be fine here with you guys.”
Quinn stumbled back a few steps. “What? Leave Faith? Are you crazy?”
“I’m not all that great at this mother stuff anyway. You’d do a better job if it came down to it, and I’ll be back.”
“Absolutely no way.” Quinn knelt down beside Kayla. “You know I’d do anything for Faith, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to leave.”
“We can’t sit here forever.” Kayla sat up.
“We won’t. But not yet. Wait until the girls are older. Or Mason comes back.”
“And if he never comes back?” Kayla asked the question I knew she would. “For all we know they already broke through the wall.”
“Mason would have come back for you.” I had absolutely no doubt about that. “I can assure you nothing would stop him.”
“Why? Why risk the trip back? He could be of more help in negotiations or whatever else needs to happen.”
“Because he is in love with you. And a man in love will do anything.” I kept my eyes on Kayla rather than Quinn.
“Love is something hard to define.” Kayla yanked more grass.
“Oh, come off it.” Quinn rose to her feet again. “You two are in love. No amount of time and distance is going to change that.”
“I’m only saying that we can’t use the theoretical possibility of a feeling as a basis for decision making.”
“You sound like a scientist right now,” I teased.
“In another life maybe.” There was a bit of a wistful tone to her words.
“In another life, what?” Bolton walked out of the darkness. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” Quinn snapped. “You missed nothing.”
“What did I do?” Bolton narrowed his eyes.
“You know very well.” Quinn put a hand on her hip.
Bolton strode toward where Kayla still sat. “Kayla, care to interpret for me?”
“Ignore her. She’s in a mood.”
“I’m in a mood? You’re the crazy one talking about leaving.”
“Leaving?” Bolton visibly startled. “What?”
“I already told her she’s crazy.” I wasn’t going to listen to another argument about this. There was no question. Kayla was staying put. “Save your breath.”
“Why would you leave?” Bolton sat down beside her. “And she’s not crazy.”
“Because we are sitting ducks here.”
Bolton nodded. “We are.”
Quinn laughed dryly. “Really? Just walk away if you are going to egg her on.”
“Let me finish,” Bolton intoned. “We are sitting ducks here, but would we even be ducks elsewhere? I mean would we even be alive? You know how brutal it is out there. You’re a breeder, Kayla.”
“But we know so much more now.” Kayla stood up. “We know they have a cure outside of this country. So being a breeder isn’t such a big deal.”
“Yet no one can get outside of this country. Plus, do we really know that?” Bolton stood.
“You’re telling me now that you doubt it’s true?” Kayla spun to look at him. “Now? After letting Mason leave?”
“Of course, I assume they are telling the truth, but how do they know for sure? And was it a full cure or a half one? We don’t know enough to make decisions.”
“So, we get more information. It’s the only way.” Kayla’s eyes were wild in a way that I’d never seen before.
“She thinks she’s going to leave Faith with me and go off.” Quinn made a shooing motion with her hand.
“I don’t think that’s the right approach,” Bolton spoke gently.
“Oh?” Kayla tapped her foot. “Then what’s the right approach?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know for sure. Give me some time.”
“We might not have a lot of time.”
“Right now that’s all we have. You said it yourself. We’re sitting ducks. We’re sitting here waiting. We might as well use that waiting time to our advantage. It never pays to make split-second decisions—didn’t we learn that the hard way?”
“I’m sorry.” Kayla reached out for him. “I’m so sorry.”
“You can stop apologizing. That was ages ago. And none of it was your fault.”
“It was my fault.” Kayla looked down at the ground.
“No. It happened because I met you. But that doesn’t make it your fault. You and I are not enemies, so blaming each other for anything makes absolutely no sense. It’s a waste of energy.”
“I agree with Bolton.” I couldn’t just stand there. I was the one who promised to protect her. “In that before we make any decisions we need to take some time. We need to plan.”
“Plan for what?” Quinn gave me a skeptical look. “We cannot be seriously considering leaving. This is the safest place possible.”
“Or so we think.” I let my words fall. “We don’t know everything.”
“When does anyone know everything?” Quinn wrung her hands. “I’m going to bed. This conversation is pointless. And Kayla, if I wake up to find you gone, I’m telling Faith you abandoned her.”
“Oh, because I’d just leave? Without a goodbye?” Kayla hissed loudly.
“Well, crazier things have happened.” Quinn stomped off toward the cabin.
Five
Quinn
I wasn’t as lackadaisical as I let on. Not by a long shot. I knew that as comfortable as we were at the camp, the outside world would find us eventually—if it hadn’t already. But I didn’t want to face that reality. Not yet. It’s not that I wasn’t careful. I was. I never let myself fall asleep completely—it was a skill I’d learned soon after Bailey was born. And perhaps even more importantly, I didn’t let myself fall in love.
Hours after our conversation outside Kayla and I lay awake in our beds. Neither of us spoke, but I could always tell when she was awake. Normally I would have let it lie, but something was going on with her. Something I needed to get to the bottom of. I sat up.
“You okay?” She whispered in the dark. At least she hadn’t pretended to be sleeping.
“Yeah, but want to get some air?”
Kayla was usually the one asking that question. “Sure.”
We met outside a few minutes later. I grabbed my blanket. It was late fall, and evenings were growing increasingly cool.
She took a seat in a deep wooden chair. “Couldn’t sleep?”
I sat down on the railing, wrapping my blanket around me. “What’s really going on?”
“Excuse me?” She pulled her legs up under her. She’d also brought her blanket outside, but it sat untouched beside her.
“You know what I mean. You know exactly what I mean.”
She shook her head. “I don’t.”
“Come on, Kayla. Don’t be like this. There was more to that conversation earlier. You suggested leaving Faith behind with me. That’s serious.” I lowered my voice when I mentioned Faith’s name. She was too young to understand what we were talking about, but she’d recognize her name if she was awake.
“There isn’t anything. Forget it.”
“I’m going to get angry.” I was already frustrated and incredibly worried.
“Oh yeah?” Kayla’s lips quirked into the faintest hint of a smile.
Her smile annoyed me, but I pushed that off. There were far more important things to contend with. “Yes. Something is going on. You were talking about leaving Faith.”
“With you.” She draped the blanket over her legs. We slept in pants, but they were made of a thin material. “It’s not as though I want to leave her all alone.”
“But that still means leaving her… how could you do that?”
“Because I want her to have more than this.” She spread her arms out. “Both her and Bailey. They deserve more.”
“You mean more than us.” That’s what she wasn’t saying.
“Yes. But is that a bad thing?”
“Tell me what you think you are going to accomplish by leaving.”
“I can help.” She gripped the blanket tightly in her hand. “I can do more than just sit here.”
“You aren’t just sitting here. You’ve transformed the crops. But that aside, how else do you think you can help? You have no idea where the others are. Or where Mason is. Because I know that’s who you’re looking for.” Normally I would have tiptoed around things, but this wasn’t the time.
“He doesn’t even know about her.” Tears slipped from Kayla’s eyes.
I hopped off the rail and sat next to her. “It’s okay to cry.”
She wiped away the tears. “It’s not.”
“I cry plenty.”
“But that’s you. This is me.”
I took her words for what they were—about her. She wasn’t criticizing me. “You don’t always have to be the tough one. You can let me take on that role once in a while.”
She smiled. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I took her hand in mine.
She squeezed my hand. “Then let’s talk about you.”
“What about me?” I leaned back against the chair.
“About you and Maverick.”
I looked toward the cabin next door where he slept now. “What about him? There is no us.”
“You know how he feels about you.” Kayla leaned into my side.
“So?” I would have had to have been oblivious to miss it, but I was also smart enough to understand that it might be nothing more than lust. I was more than capable of tamping down my own growing feelings.
“What are you so afraid of?” She lifted her head. “Why are you so determined to ignore what is so clearly there between the two of you?”
“Weren’t you just the one telling me it was too quiet?”
“And what does that have to do with you being afraid to open up to Maverick?”
“Everything.” I tightened the blanket around me. “It has everything to do with it.”
“Explain. Are you afraid of what would happen if you got pregnant again? Is that what this is about?”
“Well, that’s taking things to an even deeper level, but even if we never got that far—what then? I get distracted? It doesn’t work out, and I cost us one of our few allies? I can’t afford that. I need him as my friend.”
Conflicted (The Corded Saga Book 3) Page 2
