“I know,” he said without a shred of pity. “Takes a lot of work to make that salve for your skin, doesn’t it? Maybe from now on you’ll remember that before you go running down the hallway when I tell you not to.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lily groused. She peeked into the bubbling cauldron and wrinkled her nose at the heady fumes. “I don’t think the punishment fits the crime.” She looked up at Rowan and tried to coax a smile out of him. She knew he was still upset that she wouldn’t share memories from the oubliette with him that morning, and she’d spent the rest of the day trying to thaw the frost between them.
“The punishment definitely fits the crime,” he said, finally giving her that smile she was after. “Keep stirring. I’ll go see how Samantha’s doing with dinner.”
“Uh-oh,” Lily said, looking across the living room and into the kitchen. “You left her alone in there? With the stove on?”
“She can handle it,” he replied calmly. A clank, a hiss, and a cuss came from the kitchen. “And that would be her handling it without an oven mitt. I’ll be back.” Rowan let his fingers trail across the sliver of exposed skin between Lily’s T-shirt and the waistband of her jeans before darting off to rescue her befuddled mother.
Lily watched his lithe frame disappear into the kitchen and heard his deep voice rumbling under her mother’s nervous tittering and leaned toward it. Wherever Rowan went was where Lily wanted to be.
“Keep stirring, lover girl,” Juliet taunted from the sofa. She put down her magazine and tucked her bare feet under her.
“You don’t get to fill in as taskmaster just because he’s gone,” Lily said, making a childish face at her sister, but picking up her stirring speed nonetheless.
What’s going on with you two, Lily?
It’s complicated, Jules.
I’ll bet. Relationships are hard enough without adding the whole “he’s from one world, I’m from another” thing. Literally, in your case.
You’d think mindspeak would make it easier, but it doesn’t.
The house phone rang and Juliet reached over her shoulder to pick up the receiver on the coffee table.
“Proctor residence. Hello, Dr. Rosenthal,” Juliet said, straightening her posture when she heard the voice of the superintendent of the Salem school system.
Lily tried to get closer to her sister and listen in on the conversation, but she was stuck at arm’s length, stirring the cauldron.
“Yes, Lily’s feeling much better,” Juliet said, waving Lily away. “They say she’s practically cured. Can you believe it? She’s almost completely over her allergies.” There was another long, agonizing pause. “Well, yes, I think she would be able to go back to school. Oh, yes, of course. Everyone wants Lily to graduate on time. Yes. Yes, I know, she’s always been at the top of her class and she shouldn’t have any problem making up for lost time.”
What the hell, Jules? I can’t do that!
Yes, you can. You have a photographic memory now. All you have to do is read and repeat on your exams. Now shut up so I can concentrate on Dr. Rosenthal.
“Yes, sir. But you know things are complicated at home for us,” Juliet said sweetly into the phone. “Lily is still going through a lot of changes and we have a … a…” Juliet looked up at Lily frantically.
What’s the word when you have a counselor working with you on your lifestyle, Lily?
A life coach?
Bingo.
“A holistic life coach working with her and our mother for the next few months until they readjust,” Juliet said smoothly. “Yes. Yes, of course we all want Lily to graduate. I’ll talk it over with my parents and we’ll call you tomorrow, Dr. Rosenthal. Yes. Thank you.” Juliet hung up the phone and looked at Lily. “You’re going back to school.”
Lily knew this was coming, but it still rankled inside her. Why couldn’t Simms just stay out of it?
“When?” Lily asked around the bitter lump in her throat.
Juliet shrugged. “He seemed to want you back in class by next week.”
“She’ll be ready,” Rowan said, joining them.
“This is so ridiculous,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “Just the thought of having to sit in class and do homework is so—not okay.”
“Come on, Lily, think about it. Even if Simms wasn’t watching everything you do, what else are you going to do?” Juliet asked honestly. “Do you want to be a high school dropout? Maybe get a job as a checkout girl at the supermarket, if you’re lucky?”
Lily bit her lower lip, chastened. “I guess not.”
“Not that many want ads for witches in this world,” Juliet said gently.
“And you are staying in this world,” Rowan said. “I don’t see what’s so terrible about going back to school. This is a nice place, Lily, and all the dreams you had and the future you’d planned before can still happen for you.”
Considering the way Rowan was raised, complaining about having to sit through class for a few more months did sound petty. Any Outlander would kill to live the way Lily did, and as she thought about it, she realized how much she had to be thankful for.
“I never stopped to think about what I wanted to do with my life,” Lily said sheepishly. “I always thought I’d be too sick to get a full-time job or to join a radical save-the-whatever group. But I can do anything I want, can’t I?”
“Yes,” Rowan replied in a subdued tone. “And you can stop stirring now. Dinner is ready.”
Lily gratefully abandoned her post by the cauldron and followed Rowan and Juliet into the kitchen, wondering again why Rowan seemed so distant.
His dinner ritual was new to both Lily and Juliet, who had become used to fending for themselves when their mother’s condition worsened, yet Rowan’s insistence that they eat at least one meal a day together was welcomed. Since Lily had come back two weeks ago, Juliet had been commuting to Boston during the day to attend her college classes but so far she hadn’t missed one of Rowan’s dinners. Juliet joked about free meals and bad dining-hall food, and Lily laughed along with her even though she knew that for both of them this was practically a miracle. Samantha had never been the most attentive mother and their father was more like a tourist who dropped in a few weeks a year than a parent. But with this dinner thing, Rowan had quietly pulled their family closer together. It was the first time either Juliet or Lily felt like she was part of a real family, rather than the unlucky crew member of a sinking ship.
Thank you, Rowan.
He didn’t have to be told what Lily was thanking him for. Lily opened herself up to him so he could feel her gratitude and the sense of peace she felt sitting at a table with her loved ones. While continuing his conversation with Juliet about something gruesome she was doing to a cadaver in her anatomy class, Rowan reached under the table to take Lily’s hand.
It’s your family. I’m just borrowing it, Lily.
You’re not borrowing. You’re a part of it.
Rowan squeezed her hand reassuringly, but he didn’t answer her in mindspeak. Something had been bothering him all day. Lily waited until after everyone had eaten their fill and gone to bed to bring it up again.
Rowan? Are you still awake?
Yes.
Lily went downstairs and found Rowan transferring the salve they had made from the cauldron into little pots. She joined him and silently began to help.
It came out very well, Lily. You’re getting better at potions.
I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing without you talking me through every step, though.
They finished up with the cauldron in silence. Lily could feel Rowan growing tenser with each second. When he finally had nothing else to distract him, she faced him with a determined look.
“What’s the matter with you?” she asked, keeping her voice down so she didn’t wake her mom.
“You’re hiding something from me,” he answered accusingly, his whisper coming out clipped and harsh.
“Yes, I am,” she admitted. “Aren’t I allowed to keep
a few things to myself?”
“Not this.” His dark eyes narrowed until they looked completely black. “I killed Gideon for imprisoning you in the oubliette. Now I need to know why I’m going to kill my brother. I need to know what Carrick did to you down there.”
Lily held her breath, her mind racing. If she gave him this, he’d never suspect what she was really hiding. She couldn’t believe she was willing to relive even one second of her torture in Purgatory Chasm in order to protect Lillian, but given the choice, she knew what her answer had to be.
“Only a little?” she whispered. “I don’t think I can take any more than that.”
Rowan nodded and stepped closer to her, his face softening.
Show me, Lily.
… The cold and dark go on forever. I shiver so spasmodically that my body aches. I think I must have been sleeping a moment ago, but something woke me. I sit up—panic giving me strength. It was the rope. The rope creaked. He’s coming. I know it’s Carrick. Gideon always announces himself, like I’m looking forward to seeing him or something. But Carrick sneaks down, like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. I call out to him. He doesn’t answer, but I know he’s there. I start to bargain with him. I offer him things. Silly things. Important things. Anything. He ignores me. My words, my body, my promises mean nothing to him. All he wants is to hold my power in his hands. I’m crying, but I’m so dehydrated no tears fall. Just racking sobs that hurt more than proper crying would. Please, not that. Please. Don’t touch my three little hearts. He hears me, I know he hears me because I’m screaming now. He picks up my willstones anyway. I hit the bars of my cell with my fists. I wail and shriek. I beg. God help me, I beg. The searing pain will end eventually, but the violation never will. Never. I hate you. I hate you. I hate me …
“Stop,” Rowan whispered.
“Had enough?” Lily said cruelly, wiping at her streaming eyes. She wanted to punish him for making her go through that again, even though a tiny voice in the back of her head kept saying she deserved it. She felt disgusted, but not with Carrick. With herself. Lily pushed Rowan away from her, shoving hard against his chest.
“It’s okay, Lily,” Rowan said, capturing her wrists in his hands and drawing her against him. “It’s not your fault.”
Lily shook her head. “I don’t believe that. Isn’t that crazy?” She laughed, although it was anything but funny. “That’s the worst part. I feel like it’s my fault it happened to me. Like I should have fought harder. Or I should have killed myself.”
“Don’t say that,” he said harshly. Rowan studied Lily for a long time. “Do you know what it means to be a survivor? It means that not only do you have to live through things, you have to live with them as well. The second part is much harder and sometimes it takes the rest of your life to learn how to do it. But at least you have the rest of your life, Lily. And that’s what’s important to me.”
“Oh, I’m alive,” she said ruefully. “Even if I am damaged.”
“You’ll heal,” Rowan replied confidently.
“What if I don’t?” Lily asked, genuinely afraid that she would never be the same again. “What if I stay a little bit broken forever?”
“You might,” he said, lifting one shoulder like there was nothing anyone could do about it. “But I’d rather have you alive than perfect. If anyone says differently, then they don’t really love you.”
“And you do?” she asked, not sure why he would love her anymore.
Rowan answered by opening up one of his memories to her.
… She’s climbing down from the tree, muttering to herself, taking forever and making so much noise I have no idea how they’re not hearing this all the way in Salem. She kind of looks like an angry squirrel with all the red hair fluffing around her head and shoulders. Feisty little squirrel. She has to be the feistiest person in the world. I wonder what her world is like. I know it’s nothing like this. Last night, when the Woven killed that man beneath this tree, the look on her face was pure shock. She didn’t get hysterical, though. She was in shock all night, but she controlled it and found a way to work through it. This morning she told a joke to make me feel better. She’s tough and funny and caring. Beautiful. And that ass. Don’t look at her ass, you idiot. It’s the same ass you’ve seen a million times, so just forget about it because the last thing you need is to start remembering what it feels like. She really isn’t Lillian, is she? She sort of is Lillian, though, in all the best ways. No, that’s wrong. I’m not looking for Lillian in Lily anymore, and I haven’t since we’ve been on the run. It’s strange, but I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t Lillian I loved. Maybe what I loved was the Lily in Lillian. Oh, shit. I think I love Lily …
“A feisty squirrel?” Lily asked, incredulous.
“Is that seriously all you got out of that memory?” Rowan threw up his hands and turned away. Lily caught him by the shoulders and pulled him back to her, hiding her blushing face by burying it in his chest.
“No,” she replied.
She felt him relax against her, his arms easing her softer body against the solid angles of his. Very slowly, he pushed her hair back from her neck and brushed his lips across the skin just behind her ear. Barely touching her, Rowan swept his lips across her jaw to her mouth and kissed her so lightly it was like he was breathing her in. Lily leaned against him, trying to press closer, but he pulled away.
“Careful, don’t press too hard against me,” he whispered, a pained expression on his face. “And I really shouldn’t be kissing your skin yet.”
“Then don’t,” she replied. Lily looked up at him and smiled slowly as she slid her hands under the hem of his shirt. She ran the backs of her fingers across his belly. His breath skipped. She tugged at his shirt and raised a questioning eyebrow. “Off?”
Rowan pulled his shirt over his head, leaving his willstone glittering on his bare chest. He stood very still and let her touch him for as long as she wanted, but kept his own hands at his sides. She’d never had the chance to explore a man’s body before. She watched, entranced, as his skin flushed and his muscles jumped under her fingers. Fascinated, she lowered her head to kiss all the places she’d touched and felt him shiver.
Do you want to know what this feels like to me, Lily?
Yes.
Rowan opened himself up to her and she eased her senses inside of his. It was like sinking into an ocean and letting her body float inside a mirror-topped world that spread around her, unfathomably large and unspeakably beautiful once she dipped her face below the surface. She felt her hands on his chest in two-way, both touching and being touched. She traced his skin, following his need as her own. Learning him.
Enough, Lily.
Rowan stilled her hands and stepped back.
Are you serious?
“Yes,” he whispered through a laugh. “I don’t want to rush. I don’t want you to miss anything.”
“You made love to Lillian.” Her throat stung with the words.
Rowan was quiet for a moment before answering. “After a very long courtship.” He tilted her chin up so she had to look at him. “Trust me. It’s better this way.”
Rowan brought her back to her room. One kiss was all he would give her before leaving her to stare at the ceiling, alone, and more than a little baffled.
Lily?
She didn’t answer him. There was a knot in her throat, and she was scared that it was about to dissolve into silly tears.
Lily. I know you’re awake and I know you’re upset.
Wouldn’t you be, Rowan? Wouldn’t you be upset and confused if I wouldn’t give myself to you?
Yes, I would be. So dream with me instead.
Lily wiped at a few escaped tears and sniffed. What do you mean, dream with you?
We stay in rapport as we fall asleep. We share our dreams. Would you like to do that with me?
Yes.
I’ll show you the way.
CHAPTER
5
“This is completely hea
led,” Rowan said, inspecting the bottoms of Lily’s feet. “That means you can go back to school whenever. Tomorrow, even.”
“Good,” Samantha said. A hand fluttered up absentmindedly to her hair as she looked at Rowan and grimaced. “Dr. Rosenthal is getting a bit testy with me for putting it off. And that woman called again.”
“Simms? What did she say?” Lily asked, feeling a swell of protective anger.
“Oh, you know,” Samantha replied. “I’m just glad you’re going back tomorrow.”
Lily tried to smile at her mother, but couldn’t put her heart into it. She had gotten quite comfortable over the past week. Lillian had tried to reach out to her—usually when Lily was in a deep sleep and her spirit had strayed into the Mist. But on those rare occasions Lily had managed to quench her curiosity and push Lillian out of her mind. Lillian’s attempts to contact her had become increasingly urgent, but Lily was determined not to give in to her own curiosity, and so far she’d been successful despite the mounting anger and desperation she’d sensed coming from Lillian.
Now that she had a clear conscience, the last few days had been some of the best in Lily’s life. Every day she spent time with her mom, sister, and Rowan just relaxing and watching movies or reading books. Rowan was still struggling with culture shock and trying to learn as much of Lily’s world as possible. Their worlds were so different that there was a lot to teach him.
In Rowan’s world the Woven Outbreak had decimated the population of North America and had left just thirteen walled cities huddled against the eastern seaboard. Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and South America had abandoned North America to its fate in order to avoid any Woven contamination. Trade, immigration, and even communication had been banned between the Thirteen Cities and the rest of the world for two hundred years. In Rowan’s world, North America was basically a plague zone that the other continents had decided to forget about.
Lily had still been unconscious at the time, but when Rowan learned that he could fly to Italy the next day if he wanted, or read any UK newspaper online with just a few clicks, he left the house to go look at the ocean for a few hours. When he came back, he sat down with Lily’s laptop and began his self-education in what the world might have been if only the Woven hadn’t been created. He liked this world, and Lily could see that he was adapting to it quickly. She started daydreaming about the future—about the two of them going to college and getting an apartment together, like regular folks. But even with his willstone-perfect memory, Rowan still had a long way to go before he could pass for a regular guy. He needed a crash course in pop culture.
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