“You can’t look at me like that,” he warned. Though he ignored the blaring horns inside his head and stepped into her, settling one hand on the dip in her waist. “That’s the look that I never could turn down. That silent invitation.”
“Having you here is more difficult than I thought,” she admitted on a whisper.
And as much as he wanted to follow her onto that bed and forget everything that stood between them—namely a piece of paper ready to end everything—he had to respect her initial wishes. If he ever got her back, it wouldn’t be because he’d used Marley’s situation to do so.
Sam settled his other hand on her waist and blew out a breath. “I’m struggling, too,” he confessed. “It’s been too long since I touched you, Tara. But this isn’t the right time.”
He might not be giving in to his every desire, but he was still a man, damn it. Sam dropped his forehead to hers just as her hands came to her sides and squeezed his wrists.
“Sam, I need—”
He had no idea what she was going to say. His mouth settled over hers, cutting off her words because he needed it, too. Just a taste. Just. One. Taste.
So much need and ache consumed him. Tara’s clutch on his wrists tightened as she opened her mouth, giving him greater access.
But before he could get too swept away with the memories—the good ones—and the sweet taste of his wife, Sam pulled away.
Tara stared up at him and he had to force himself to step back. Her fingertips went to her damp lips and she closed her eyes.
“I won’t apologize,” he told her. “We both wanted that kiss, but that’s where it ends.”
Brief as it had been, he had a feeling he’d still be tasting her on his lips come tomorrow.
When Tara said nothing, Sam reached for the pillow and pulled it off the bed. He turned to the end of the bed, grabbing the perfectly folded throw from the bottom. “I’ll go sleep on Marley’s floor.”
“Sam, don’t.”
He stilled in the doorway, throwing a glance over his shoulder to the temptress staring at him. “If we crawl into that bed together, we’ll both wake with regrets.”
He’d waited so long, had prayed and pleaded to get here, but there was no way he would take advantage of the moment. Tara deserved better. Hell, he deserved better.
Sam crossed the hall and made a bed on his daughter’s floor. And he didn’t sleep one bit.
Chapter Six
“I kissed him.”
Silence surrounded her and Tara glanced up from the table of brochures to see her very best friends, Lucy and Kate, staring at her, mouths open and eyes wide.
Yeah, maybe she should’ve led in with a softer opening. She was still processing everything herself, so she hadn’t had time to construct an eloquent sentence.
“He’s only been in your home one day,” Kate stated, as if Tara needed the reminder.
They were setting up for their monthly grief meeting at the community center. The three had come together through their own hardships and discovered there was a need in this small community of Stonerock for those who had lost loved ones. They didn’t focus on the loss, but rather met once a month to form an upbeat, positive atmosphere for those who were hurting.
At least this way, people could bond with others and form deeper friendships over similar hurts. The meetings over the past years had been successful and really opened an avenue of friendships for people who otherwise wouldn’t have opened up and let new relationships form.
Like Lucy and Noah. They’d both lost a spouse in tragic circumstances but had come together and now had a beautiful family.
“Did you sleep with him?” Lucy asked, abruptly jerking Tara from her thoughts.
Tara shook her head and flattened her palms on the table. “No. But how on earth are we going to keep up this charade in front of Marley? He ended up sleeping in her room last night. He couldn’t get out of our bedroom fast enough after we kissed.”
“Why are you upset?” Kate dropped into a metal chair at the end of the table. “You wanted this divorce and now you kiss him? You’re sending mixed signals. He probably hightailed it out of there before he did something you both regret.”
He’d said as much on his way out the door. Still, part of her wished he’d stayed so they could’ve talked. The other part of her, the part that was filled with fear and worry, knew he’d made the right decision.
“The kiss wasn’t supposed to happen,” she defended herself. “But he didn’t have a shirt on and there was a new tattoo I couldn’t stop staring at. I had on my nightgown, and he stepped close, smelling so, so...”
She had no valid reason to want his mouth on hers, to dive back into that emotional pull, other than the fact she’d wanted him to kiss her and she hadn’t pushed him away. It was simple, yet complicated, but she was human with emotions all over the place.
“It’s okay to want to get back together,” Kate said, softly. “You are human and it’s not like you can just shut off your feelings.”
Tara focused her attention on her friends. “I never said that. Getting back together with Sam would be a mistake.”
“Playing house and not falling in love with him will be difficult,” Lucy pointed out, as if falling in love with Sam was the next logical step. They couldn’t even be alone in the same room at this point. So love sure as hell wasn’t an option.
Tara glanced at the clock on the wall. The group would start arriving and she certainly didn’t want to get into this here and now. She should’ve never brought up the kiss, but she’d needed to talk and Lucy and Kate were her very best friends. She trusted them with everything.
Well, except to tell them her divorce wasn’t final. She didn’t want anyone to know Sam hadn’t signed the papers yet. She’d wanted to be a strong woman, wanted to move on with the next chapter in her life. It had been an entire year and she still had an anchor on her, weighing her down. She had to somehow set herself free before she found herself drowning in a situation she couldn’t get out of.
Not only had Sam not signed the papers, he was also living with her again and playing the doting husband and father. He made memories rush back nearly every moment. She’d barely exorcized him from each room over the past year. She’d removed pictures that hurt to look at, she’d left his side of the closet bare and the door closed. But now he flooded every part of her life again. She had her reasons for being so harsh, for being, some would say, cold.
She was saving her daughter’s future. If she let him in, if he went down that path of addiction again, she didn’t know if she’d have the strength to make him leave again. Because, in all honesty, she just wanted to hold him, to make his life perfect, to heal him. Isn’t that what she did? She healed people who were broken...or, at least, that’s what she’d devoted her career to.
One day, she hoped to have her own office and run a counseling center instead of working for someone else. She loved her job, but she wanted more control and a softer atmosphere than the sterile building where she currently worked.
“I think we need to go to Gallagher’s after the meeting,” Kate stated, patting her protruding belly. “Gray will hook us up. I mean, he’ll hook you up with a margarita. I’ll stick with lemonade.”
Kate’s husband, Gray Gallagher, owned the only bar in town and they often went for ladies’ night or to enjoy a drink and some pub fries, sometimes a little dancing, too. Not only had Kate married her best friend, she was also expecting his child.
Tara shook her head. “I’m not really in the mood. Besides, I need to get home to Marley.”
“I’m surprised you came at all tonight,” Lucy responded. “Is she feeling okay?”
“She is,” Tara confirmed. “The doctor stressed that we need to keep things as normal as they were when Marley believed we were all living together like one happy family. I wanted to cancel, but Sam assured me t
hey would be fine and we had to listen to the doctor.”
Kate reached over and squeezed Tara’s hand, offering a soft smile. “Nobody would say a word if you wanted to slip out early and head home.”
Tara wanted nothing more than to be home watching over Marley, but at the same time, she did need to do what the doctor said and she wasn’t so sure being in that house, trapped with all those memories and Sam, was the best thing for her sanity right now.
“I’ll stay,” she stated. “We’d better get the refreshments out before everyone gets here.”
Kate nodded, smoothed her shirt over her rounded belly and headed to the rear of the community center where they’d stored their goodies in a small kitchen. Lucy circled the table and propped her hip on the edge. “Why don’t I bring Emma over to play?”
Tara’s first response was to say yes, but then she thought of the timeline. “Marley didn’t know Emma when she was three.”
Kate shrugged. “Then I’ll bring her over and we’ll introduce them again. I can explain to Emma that Marley is having a tough time remembering so she needs to pretend they’ve never met. Believe me, Emma is all about acting now. She wants to try out for the local plays at the theater in town.”
Tara laughed, immediately picturing sweet Emma with her wildly curly blond hair stealing the show. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Bring her over tomorrow for lunch. Who knows? Maybe seeing her will help trigger something.”
Thankfully it was summer break and Tara didn’t have to worry about school, teachers and other kids confusing Marley. Her accident had taken place on the last day of a summer program Tara had signed Marley up for.
When people started to wander in, Tara immediately greeted them, trying her best to get back to her normal life. She had to keep telling herself she could and would get through this difficult time. This was a grief share group, after all, so what better place for her to be? She had no clue how to deal with all of the juxtaposition of emotions. Honestly, she couldn’t even name all of them at this early stage in the game.
No. None of this was a game. Having the past year wiped from her daughter’s memory and having her soon-to-be-ex living with her again was very much real.
Maybe she did need a girls’ night out. Perhaps purging all of her thoughts would be the therapeutic balm she needed right now. Being with her two very best friends would definitely be the comfort she needed.
There was no way she could express her fears and her concerns to Sam. He’d always been the one she’d turned to, but not since he’d shattered the trust between them.
Tara vowed after the meeting to talk with Kate and Lucy about getting together for some adult time. Even if it was thirty minutes over a quick lunch, Tara had to talk to someone about the crippling fear of the unknown where Marley was concerned...and the man who was posing as her loving husband.
* * *
“I don’t like you living there again, Sam.”
Sam rubbed his forehead and sank onto the bench he’d built into the deck off the back porch. Marley rode her bike on the driveway and along the sidewalk around the garage. His mother had called to check on her granddaughter and wasted no time in expressing her opinion on the situation.
“This is my family, Mom. I shouldn’t be anywhere else.”
“That woman didn’t stand by you when you needed her and now you’re back in her house.”
“It’s still our first house and she pushed me away for good reasons.” He defended Tara. “She had to look out for herself and our daughter. If she hadn’t, I don’t know that I would’ve sought the help I needed.”
His mom merely grunted before diving in for more. “You can stay in your apartment and still care for your daughter. She knows you love her.”
“We’re going on the doctor’s orders.” How many times had he already said that to her via texts and calls? “If you’d like to visit, you’re more than welcome. Marley would love to see you.”
“I plan on coming this weekend,” his mom stated. “I didn’t want to overwhelm her.”
“You won’t overwhelm her. She’s acting like Marley.” He watched as she wobbled around the garage once again with the purple bike that she’d gotten for Christmas last year. Apparently her memory had stolen the fact she had become an excellent rider. “She’s had some headaches off and on, but that’s to be expected. She has no idea she’s missing such a large portion of her life.”
He hoped the memories would return slowly and not overwhelm her all at once. When she’d woken this morning and seen him on her floor for the second night in a row, he simply explained that he’d slept in her room to keep an eye on her since her fall. The statement wasn’t a complete lie. He did want to constantly watch over his little girl, but he also wanted to sleep in bed with his wife. At some point, he’d have to go into the master suite to keep up the pretense.
He wasn’t going to dodge his feelings for Tara and he wasn’t going to let her avoid hers, either. They were going to have to be honest and lay everything out in an attempt to move forward. Even though they weren’t together, and wouldn’t be when this was over, Sam still had to be completely open. Just another hard life lesson he’d learned.
Tara stepped out the back door and a big bundle of fur flew by Sam. Daisy loved the big, fenced-in yard. She ran around in circles, fur flying, tongue flapping. Sam knew Tara wasn’t too pleased with him over the massive dog, but damn it, his heart had been in the right place. Didn’t that count for something? Maybe he hadn’t made the smartest decisions in his life, but he didn’t regret putting a smile on his daughter’s face.
“I’ll talk to you later, Mom.”
He disconnected the call and came to his feet, shoving his cell into his pocket. Tara stood at the edge of the deck and stared out across the yard toward the garage where Marley continued to make circles. She giggled when Daisy ran along beside her.
Sam crossed the yard and stepped up onto the deck he’d built only two years ago. “I’m sleeping in our room tonight.”
The words were out of his mouth before he could think them through, but he was done pretending. He had to pretend with his daughter; he at least wanted to be real with his wife.
Tara continued to stare out into the yard, keeping her profile to him. “Lucy and Emma are on their way over for a visit.”
Sam raked a hand along his stubbled jawline. “Did you hear me?”
Glancing over her shoulder, she merely raised a brow. “I heard you, Sam. What do you want me to say?”
He had no clue what he wanted her to say because he was in a whole new element here. But damn it, couldn’t she acknowledge the issue between them? Of all people, he didn’t expect her to dodge the topic. Didn’t therapists make people face their fears and talk?
“I don’t want this to be difficult,” he told her.
She returned her attention to the yard. “It’s going to be difficult no matter what we do.”
“I want you to talk to me,” he demanded, stepping closer to her. “You need to let me in, no matter how much you want to keep me at a distance. She’s my daughter, too.”
Tara turned fully to face him. “I can’t let you in, Sam. No matter what else is going on, I still have to guard my heart.”
Those wide eyes stared at him and the guilt consumed him once again. His penance would forever be looking at her and knowing he’d destroyed something so precious and perfect because of his selfish actions.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he told her. “Even when Marley remembers, I’m going to be here for you guys. My job is secure and I’m doing better than ever. I will be your provider, and at some point, I hope a friend. Maybe you can learn to trust me again.”
He turned and headed into the house before he broke down. He’d discovered in therapy that showing emotions wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he still had some pride left. He wanted to prove to her he was a s
tronger man so that meant he had to hold it together whenever possible.
With Lucy and Emma coming over, he knew Tara and Marley would be fine. He needed to get out of the house for a bit and loosen this tension. It had been a hell of a week and he had a feeling things were going to get worse before they got better.
Sam grabbed his keys and decided the only place he should be was where he felt comfortable and somewhat back to normal. He headed toward the edge of town to Gallagher’s. Granted, it was closing in on lunchtime and the pub didn’t open until four, but Gray always kept the door unlocked for Sam.
Some people would judge Sam for hanging at a bar while recovering from his addiction, but liquor had never been a problem. He could have one beer and be done for the night.
It had been the damn pills that had ruined everything. One slip off the ladder on a construction site had resulted in an emergency room visit, followed by tests and meds and ultimately a downward spiral he’d had no control over all because he’d trusted his doctor. Who knew the doctor would become his drug dealer?
And the loss of control was the entire crux of the nightmare that had consumed him and ultimately destroyed his marriage. He’d had no control. He was a man. Men were strong, they were powerful, they fixed things in an instant and made the lives of their loved ones easier at all costs. Yet he’d been unable to deliver on any of that and he had to see that pain, that disappointment, each time he looked into Tara’s eyes.
Still, he had days where he wished he could push all the pain aside and find an escape, but that was the easy way out. Sam was done doing things the easy way. He was going to work his ass off and make a better life for his family. He might have had to close his one-man architectural firm, but he’d landed a job doing what he loved and he was making great money once again.
Sam pulled into the side lot at Gallagher’s and killed the engine of his truck. Having Gray in his life was priceless. No matter what had gone down, Gray had been there for him. That was the beauty of living in a small town. Yes, everyone knew your business, but for the most part, people banded together to offer their concern, and while he was healing, Tara and Marley had been looked after and loved.
For Their Child's Sake Page 5
