“Yes, the special connection called being outrageously hot but still knocked up,” Cindy said, then pointed at Gabrielle. “Shame!”
“Shame for which?” Gabrielle asked.
“Shame!” Cindy said. “Also, since I’m sleeping with Gary as well, I need to know your last six months of partners. If there’s any extraterrestrials, we’re going to have to have you tested since everyone knows they’re all carriers of virulent STDs.”
“That’s xenophobic,” Cassius said, looking bored. “Also, a sensible precaution.”
“What are the aliens in your world like?” Jane asked.
“Giant slimes and tentacled things generally,” Cassius said. “I, thankfully, don’t have any inclinations in that area. I did know a man at the academy, though, who—”
That was when Guinevere ran in, carrying Caliburn. It was soaked in blood. “Entropicus’ forces have started invading the Earth. The Hellazons attacked me and informed me of this.”
I looked over at her. “Cute. He’s trying to distract us while we fight.”
“It’s working,” Gabrielle said, looking at me. “I should go out and help since I’ve already been eliminated.”
I took a deep breath. “No.”
“No?” Gabrielle asked, doing a double take.
“I know how to beat Entropicus,” I said, looking at every one present. “It’s going to require everyone’s help, though.”
“Our help?” Jane asked.
“Actually, more like all of your powers.” I gave one more look at Mandy then focused on taking down Entropicus.
Then I decided my ‘wife’ and I would need to have a very long talk.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
WHERE I EXPLAIN MY PLAN TO EVERYONE
I explained my plan to everyone.
“I was wrong,” Mandy said, looking at me as her eyes lost some of their red glow and became merely menacing. “This is your worst idea ever.”
“All of our powers combined? That’s your plan?” Jane said, covering her face. “I mean, you don’t even have a bunch of transforming robots to join together.”
“We had those on my planet,” Cassius said, snorting in derision. “They’re militarily impractical.”
“Can you even do that?” Jane asked.
“Yes,” I said, sighing. “The benefit of everyone’s powers here being magical in nature except Guinevere and the Ultra-Force is basically the Force so it’s magical adjacent.”
I was ignoring G’s powers being cybernetic but that was the benefit of sorcery in that it was flexible. I was more interested in his skills, too, since I wasn’t exactly a trained fighter. I’d learned everything I knew about fighting from getting beaten up by heroes.
“If you think gravity or consciousness is magical,” Guinevere muttered. “I don’t think you actually understand what you’re suggesting.”
I took a deep breath. “Listen, the big problem that we have is the fact Entropicus is more powerful than me.”
“Really?” Guinevere said, looking at me. “You don’t say.”
I pointed at her. “You don’t get to be sarcastic. We’re already dividing that role on the team like five or six ways.”
“We’re a team now?” Guinevere asked.
“Team Merciless!” I said, pointing at her.
“We’re not called that,” Guinevere said.
“We really are,” Jane said. “He called dibs.”
“Yes, Gary, we know he’s more powerful than you,” Gabrielle said.
“Well, he won’t be if I have a bunch of superpowers that he doesn’t have while he can’t use his powers against me,” I said.
“Why can’t he use his powers against you?” Guinevere asked.
“Because Gary’s dead brother, reanimated by the very guy we’re trying to kill, told him the secret weakness of said aforementioned guy we’re trying to kill despite the fact he’s a mindless slave,” Jane said, crossing her arms. “Everybody got that?”
“Well, when you put it like that then it sounds stupid,” I said, deliberately exaggerating my voice.
Mandy licked her fangs with her tongue. “So, you want to somehow gain our powers but don’t want to become a vampire.”
I looked at Ultragoddess. “In simple terms, my plan is to transfer the power of the Ultra-Force to me, temporarily, as well as infuse myself with the magic of Guinevere’s fae-based magic through Caliburn. That will give me a source for all of my Reaper’s Cloak abilities while not actually drawing from Death. I will also be able to draw on the rest of your abilities through Jane’s telepathy once I set up a biometric link through the Century Box. I’ll go from zero to hero in an instant.”
“So, our plan rests on the cop out ending to Season Four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Jane said.
There was a pregnant pause as no one responded.
“Oh come on, that is not the most obscure reference anyone here has made in the last ten minutes let alone ever!” Jane snapped, putting her hands on her hips.
“I’m sorry, I hated everything after Season 3 with the exception of Tara and the musical,” I said.
“Isn’t this against the rules?” Cindy asked, raising a finger in protest. “You know, the rules that got Guinevere killed for about an hour? Which, by the way, if you can show me how to come back from, I would totally love to learn.”
“No,” Guinevere said, not even bothering to turn to face her.
“It’s within the rules to prep yourself pretty much how you see fit,” I said, looking at her. “The only thing you can’t do is do so in such a way as that it makes it impossible for the other subject to win.”
“So, while we’re cheating, Entropicus is going to be cheating too,” Jane said.
“Yes,” I said. “Because you know, he’s been cheating this entire time.”
“I don’t know,” Gabrielle looked down at the ground. “Humanity’s defenses have been severely compromised in the past few years.”
“Because almost all of its heroes are dead,” Jane said, nodding. “Yeah, we got that.”
“Not cool, Jane,” I said. “Yeah, we’re at a severe disadvantage.”
“I’m the heaviest hitter Earth has and is Guinevere is the immediate runner up,” Gabrielle continued.
“You just keep telling yourself that, Gabby,” Guinevere said, smiling. It was the first smile I’d seen on her face since Ultragod died.
“If Earth is being invaded by Entropicus then there may not be a planet to return to when this is done,” Guinevere said. “We can’t just do nothing.”
“We have to trust that Earth will produce the heroes necessary to repulse an invasion,” I said, putting my hand on my chest. “That the good on the Earth will rise up to defeat the bad and that our belief the Earth can’t function without its legendary heroes is wrong. Because everyone has the potential to be a hero.”
Moments passed.
“Yeah, no,” Cindy said. “Got any other ideas?”
“Fair enough, I didn’t believe it either.” I shrugged and pulled out Jane’s cellphone. “I’m going to text the Squadron of Superheroes on Opposite Earth and ask them for help. They have an abundance of goodies on that world.”
Opposite Earth had an exact set of duplicates for Ultragod, the Nightwalker, Guinevere, Gold Medalist, and a bunch of other classic heroes despite the fact it ostensibly was set in our present times. It was one of the reasons why I hadn’t visited the world since I’d more or less created it with a bunch of stolen magic.
I couldn’t go to a world where so many lost and familiar friends were still alive. I’d lost the urge the moment I’d done a phone book check (yes, they still had phonebooks) to note my brother and dad were still alive on that world. Still, I had connections there since I’d sold the internet, solar power, Velcro, and the microwave to the planet.
“Cellphone reception reaches other planets now? Wow, people actually get their monthly payment’s worth here,” Jane said.
“I’m sending it through
the Century Box, which can do anything but what it can’t,” I said.
“Uh-huh,” Jane said. “Well, that’s uninformative.”
“Say hi to Opposite Gary for me,” Gabrielle said.
I looked up from my text.
“Or not,” Gabrielle said.
“This settles all of my objections to attacking Entropicus,” Guinevere said, shaking a fist in my direction. “If you wish to kill a dragon then you must strike at its head.”
“Aren’t you supposed to go after the soft underbelly?” Jane asked.
“Real life is not The Hobbit,” Guinevere said. “Saint George knew better. He was a true Englishman.”
“Actually, Saint George killed the dragon by poisoning it with a sheep and then spearing it. He also was a Byzantine knight if he ever existed,” I said, correcting her. “Also, screw dragons.”
“I like dragons,” Jane muttered.
I used to love flying breathing reptiles but now I hated them. It even affected my love for Game of Thrones. I’d fought a dragon a few years (?) back when Falconcrest City had been overrun by a zombie horde. It had been a dragon, or at least a wizard transformed into a dragon, which had killed Mandy and forced me to resurrect her as an undead monster. It was still the worst memory of my life and what popped up whenever the Halloween Man used his Scare Gas on me.
Guinevere snorted. “Maybe your Saint George was Byzantine but not mine.”
Mandy was about to respond when she barreled over and felt her stomach. “The castle is changing.”
“Wait, what?” I asked.
Almost immediately, a swirling portal appeared in the middle of the chamber that opened to reveal a hideous industrial hellscape that belched fire as well as smoke into an empty void. I sensed an immense amount of despair radiate off the buildings, accompanied by the feel of screaming souls that were bonded to the machinery. I knew, in an instant, it was Abaddon the capital of Entropicus’ multi-dimensional empire. It was also where the final bout was supposed to take place.
“Oh come on!” I snapped, looking at the portal. “He said it was supposed to be in this castle.”
“The Castle of Ultimate Sorrow is located on Abaddon as well as whatever dimension it is bonded with,” Guinevere said, as if I was an idiot. “This was all a trick to make you accept a battle on Entropicus’ home turf.”
“I would have accepted anyway,” I said.
“Then you’re an idiot,” Guinevere said.
“Duh,” I said, not denying it. “But I’m also a savant at bullshitting, lying, and Dance Dance Revolution.”
“He’s lying, he sucks at that game,” Cindy said.
“The others are definitely true, though,” Gabrielle said. “Are you sure you don’t want me to substitute for you?”
I looked at her. “You were willing to go to incredible lengths to keep me from fighting, why should I feel the same?”
“Grr,” Mandy made noises akin to a wolf.
“I’m feeling some hypocrisy here,” Cindy said, frowning. “I’m just saying.”
Mandy’s stare could have melted steel.
“Maybe she’s just feeling a bit peckish,” Jane said, elbowing me.
I ignored her. “So, do I have everyone’s permission to steal their powers in what any other supervillain would refuse to return because they’re evil but I will because I’m Chaotic Neutral?”
“I don’t think that alignment exists in 5th Edition,” Jane said.
“You’ve actually upgraded?” I looked at her. “What is wrong with you?”
“Yes,” Gabrielle said.
Guinevere grimaced. “I suppose we have no choice.”
“Not sure how you’re going to gain the power of cybernetics without multiple surgeries but whatever you think,” G said.
“You can have my skill of being awesome,” Cindy said.
“You need my skills because I don’t think you otherwise know how to use a sword,” Cassius said.
“The pointy end goes in the other guy,” I said. “Which is from the Zorro movie as some of my fans online have indicated I don’t give enough citation for the quotes I make.”
“You have our support,” Mandy said. “All of us. Goddess help us all.”
“Thank you,” I said, nodding before tapping the Century Box. “Can you do that?”
“AFFIRMATIVE,” The Century Box replied.
“Good,” I said. “Do it.”
“Wait, you didn’t check with it first?” Cindy asked.
My cloak turned a brilliant shade of gold and white as everyone else glowed. I felt my mind surge with knowledge of combat, combat styles, tactics, mystical knowledge, and everything relevant to Entropicus the Society of Superheroes knew. There was also the Ultra-Force, Jane’s, and Guinevere’s magic that merged into a single awesome singularity within me. Golden lightning crackled up and down my body.
“The power fills me. Yes, I feel the universe within me! I am… I am a part of the cosmos! Its energy flows… flows through me. Of what consequence are you now? This planet, these people - They are nothing to me - the universe is power, pure, unstoppable power …and I am that force, I am that power!”
G leaned over to whisper to Jane. “Is he reciting Skeletor’s lines from the crappy Eighties live action Masters of the Universe movie?”
“You shut your mouth!” Cindy snapped, pointing at G. “That movie was awesome whenever it wasn’t awful. It had Courtney Cox and Dolph Lundgren.”
“KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER!” I shouted, cackling.
Jane walked up to me and slapped me across the face.
I blinked a few times.
“We good?” Jane asked.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Muhahhahahaha!”
Jane lifted her hand again.
I backed down and raised my arms up defensively. “The maniacal laugh is the last bit, I swear! Bwhahahah.”
“Yeah, this was a great idea,” Mandy muttered. “This is why I hate Chosen One plotlines. The least qualified, least talented, and least stable person is always the person who everything depends on.”
“That’s a terrible thing to say about your husband,” Gabrielle said.
“Husband,” Mandy muttered before chuckling. “Yeah, I suppose it is.”
“I am a god!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the chamber.
Jane proceeded to kick me through the portal to Abaddon.
“Ahh!” I shouted as I felt all of my atoms forcibly relocated through time and space. I ended up slamming against the cold, hard stone of Abaddon. The air smelled of sulphur and industrial chemicals even as the aura of pure evil radiated out from every direction. Surrounding me was a coliseum as large as any in ancient Rome, full of cheering slaves from a million different species spread out across time.
Abaddon, itself, was the only thing remaining in the last moment before the universe’s destruction, sort of like the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Its people were from the worlds Entropicus had conquered or destroyed across uncounted millennium and every single one of the citizens was as nihilistic as their master. Supposedly, Ultragod had once scored a conclusive victory over Entropicus only to have his followers all band together to resurrect him. They wanted the universe’s worst monster to rule them rather than be freed. All so they could be monsters to each other. It was like a planet of Objectivists. BA-ZING! Yeah, I’ll be here all night.
I wasn’t concerned about Entropicus’ massive army of slaves, however. Though, the prospect of taking this world over was appealing—sort of like declaring yourself ruler of Space Mordor—I was more interested in their master. Entropicus was sitting in the center of the coliseum on top of an exaggerated twenty-foot-tall throne constructed out of laser rifles as well as energy cannons. It made me want to call George R.R. Martin and ask if he wanted to sue. Standing alongside the edges of the throne were the Hellazons.
The Hellazons were a dozen women who were once superheroes on their homeworlds. Women he’d def
eated and then brainwashed into being his servants. They cast aside their original identities and started dressing in costumes that made them look like Goth MMA fighters. There was Lady Whip, the Blood Queen, Murderess, and others I didn’t remember the names of. They had male counterparts but the Hellazons were far more famous for reasons relating to the fact most Superpedia writers were male. A few of them were sporting bloody wounds from Guinevere’s sword and it was clear she’d managed to drive them back here.
At the top of the throne’s steps was Entropicus, who was sitting with an amused expression on his face. The skeletal faced monster looked far bulkier and heavier on his home world, like if Arnold had the face of Satan. This was his reality, sculpted for the purposes of making himself stronger and I wouldn’t have been surprised to discover his essence permeated every atom making up the hellscape.
The others exited out the portal behind me and took in the environment beyond.
Jane looked at the Hellazons. “So, if we lose, we’re all going to become body-building Suicide Girls?”
“Only until Entropicus kills everyone and everything,” I said. “Also, I didn’t need that image in my head when I’m trying to concentrate.”
“You don’t have enough hot babes to keep your attention?”
“I’m not collecting them! They just sort of fall into my lap.”
“Oh you poor baby,” Jane said. “I’d feel sad for you if you weren’t living in a world where literally every superperson is gorgeous.”
“Yeah, well, the fact all realities are going to die if Entropicus wins is the price for that.”
“I’m still not sure how that works or why Skullboy over there thinks it’s desirable.”
I really didn’t think now was the time to make fun of Entropicus and if I was thinking that then it really wasn’t the best time. “As the God of Death, he’ll rule the afterlife of everyone as all the gods die from lack of living worship.”
“Okay, that makes sense,” Jane said.
“No, it really doesn’t,” I said.
When the last of my friends arrived, the portal closed behind them and I wondered if he was going to threaten my loved ones to make me throw the fight.
Tournament of Supervillainy Page 20
