“Well, we have that in common. But I can’t help you. I just lost everything two hours ago. I’m pretty sure your situation is nothing like mine, anyway.”
“I’m sorry. May I ask why?”
“My parents don’t approve of my lifestyle. They just found out. My best friend, I guess he was in love with me, he didn’t want to share me. I told him there was a whole world out there, and I wanted to meet more people. He wouldn’t have that. His family was like my second family, but he won’t welcome me into his home anymore. I can’t take back what I told him, because it’s true. Yet, I didn’t want to lose him. Not like that, but I couldn’t live a lie in that way, either. I’ve been living a lie for a while. So, with Mom and Dad kicking me out, I guess that’s my hint to get out and explore the world.”
“How will you take care of yourself?” I asked.
“I’ll find a way. Don’t you worry about it. And don’t you even pretend that you’re in the same situation. I know you’re not. I saw you at the club; you’re just a spectator. What’s your story? Did you want to try on the lifestyle for a while? Then shed it like a snakeskin? Because, you know, I can’t do that. I discovered that this is who I am. And no one, right now, is able to love me for who I am. All they want is who they used to think I was. It hurts.” His voice caught, and he took a sip of his water, a tear rolling down his face. Then he took another bite and stared out the window, face reddening, as if choking back those tears.
“Do you think you’d change your mind one day? It could be you’re not really...I mean, could this just be a passing fad?”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, what this feels like. You’re kind of like them, thinking they could send me somewhere and have it talked out of me; more like brainwashed.”
“I’m sorry; you’re right. I have no idea. I’m fumbling in the dark here, but I feel bad.” I reached into my pocket. “Here.” I handed him two hundred dollars.
“I’m not asking for your help; I don’t even know you.” He threw it back at me.
“Let me help you. I’m part of the reason you’re in this spot. I feel really bad.”
“What the heck? What do you mean?”
“I was hired to watch you. Your mother suspected something was up, but she didn’t know what.”
“My mother wanted to protect the family name. She’ll tell people I’m away at boarding school. I’ll change my name and no longer be her son, and she’ll be fine with that. It’s just that, suddenly, I’m completely alone.”
“What about your friend, Tina?”
“How do you know about her?” He eyed me suspiciously.
“I told you. I was hired to watch you. That is what I did. Look, I’m sorry.” Looking down, I could see that my hands were shaking. “I provided the evidence to your mother and father of what you were doing. I truly regret it. You were so happy the last time I saw you. I don’t fully understand, but now I’ve driven a wedge between you and your family. I can’t go by my real name; my parents don’t know what I’m doing. I am sort of lost, like you. But I’m quitting. I’ve already blown my cover to you.”
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll probably be leaving town on the next train.”
“You don’t feel angry at me?” I couldn’t believe that after all this, Clinton was not judging me for what I did.
“You had a job. Those are really important. I’ll be looking for one soon. It’s just as well. I just have to delay college for another eight to ten years.”
“I can let you stay at my place for a little while.”
“No, I’m leaving town.” He looked at me in pity. “Besides, you may lose your job. I’m sure that violates some kind of confidentiality rule. You shouldn’t be here. I can tell you feel bad, but look, you’re not my guardian angel, so move on. My parents were going to find out eventually. I sort of wanted to be on my own footing first. But, hey, why postpone the inevitable? I have to live my life admitting who I really am. No more pretending. You should try the same.”
“My job doesn’t matter anymore.” I pushed the two hundred dollars toward him again.
“You should leave,” he said, taking one last bite and throwing the rest down on his plate. “I’m not taking money to ease your guilt. I feel really strange having you even offer. I didn’t need to know your story, either. You’ve been practically a stalker for who knows how long, and now you want to save me? No, you just want to feel better about yourself. My own mother told me I was going to burn in hell. That was a little over two hours ago. My dad said it would be best if I left. Even better is, he said that on a phone conference call with me and my mom. It was either leave, or renounce my ways. So I’m leaving. They would be watching my every last step. It’s good now that I know they were having me watched. Amazing. They are something else. So are you.” He stood. “Thanks for offering to help, anyway. I’m sure you’ll be on to the next job. Your pay must be pretty good, but I could never do what you do. I don’t know how you live with yourself. Living your life like a lie and then making it your business to reveal the truth about others. Pretty ironic. No wonder you feel guilty.”
“I told you, I’m quitting. I’ve broken the golden rule and revealed my role in this. It’s because I just don’t care anymore. I can’t live that life. I had to lie to people I cared about. It’s all over for me, so I’ll find another job. It’s fine with me. Please, take this money.”
He walked right past me. “No thanks.” Bumping my shoulder, he exited the door.
That was it. He had made himself clear. There would be no more following Clinton, and who knew how much longer that would be his name?
I saw him pass by the sandwich shop, heading towards the bus depot. For a moment, it occurred to me that he really did know who he was. I imagined that was why he didn’t want my help. Would it feel like pity to him? I hesitated, unsure of my next move.
A dinner crowd was pushing into the sandwich shop. Food did not appeal to me at the moment. I headed out to the car and drove to the coffee shop. Before going in, I called Jack.
He sounded glad to hear from me. “Malachi! You need to come and collect your check.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Jack.”
“Look, son. It’s your job to bring secrets to light. You do that very well. Sure, it takes a little subterfuge on your part. But you were meant for this. Look at how you helped the neighbor when she was getting abused.”
“That was different. Now, I’ve broken up a family. This was not my calling. I ruined a young man’s life. I can’t take money for that.”
Jack shook his head. “I wish I could change your mind. Just call me in a week after you cool off. I have a big opportunity in the cyber field. Don’t forget it. I’ll be branching out; you could be doing work that saves lives. People are doing all sorts of dangerous things on the internet. I’ll get you some training. Look, I know you’re angry right now, and it’s not your fault those parents are deserting their kid, but he’s almost grown, and the truth was going to come out eventually. In a few days, you’ll stop letting your emotions guide you and your brain will kick in.”
“I’m not doing this job anymore!”
“Fine. I’ll put the check in the mail. If you decide to change your mind, do it by Friday. I have to start looking for new help.”
“It’ll just come back to you. I won’t be at that address anymore, either. It’s too late, anyhow. I already told Clinton everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“He knows I followed him and that I gave his parents the evidence.” I paused for effect and heard him breathing hard; whether it was out of anger or nerves, I didn’t know. So, I wasn’t the only one who was known to feel an emotion. “Don’t worry,” I added, “your name was not mentioned. But that’s it. I’m done. I blew my cover.” I hung up on that note. Jack couldn’t own me. I was adamant about that.
Chapter 17
A Weak Moment
Sitting outside of the coffee shop with an espresso, I found m
yself craving a cigarette. There was a smoker outside, so I gave him a dollar for a smoke. It seemed to steady my nerves, which were pretty shot. He tried to start up a conversation, but I wouldn’t have any of it.
I dialed Macie’s number, but I got her voice mail and decided not to leave a message. I was sure I’d sound horrible. Plus, the night was approaching, and she wouldn’t like being called at such late notice unless I was in a crisis, which I was. Still, who wants to feel like a pathetic wreck with a girl who is already unsure of you? That’s what I was: pathetic.
Scrolling through my cellphone for the number of anyone I could trust with my current situation and state of mind, I caught a whiff of perfume, so I looked up and saw a familiar young lady had sat down next to me. I put the phone down. There was no way I’d talk to anyone at home about this. A distraction would be what I needed.
“Your timing is impeccable.”
“Really?” she asked, amused.
“Well, I’m kind of being sarcastic, but it is nice to see you.”
“Really? You know me?” She acted surprised. Did she not remember us meeting months ago?
I wracked my brain for her name. Young woman, willowy, long, brown hair. Cute. No, more than cute. She actually looked younger this time; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Something was different.
“I remember you,” I said. “It’s okay if you sit here, but I won’t be here for long. The coffee is getting me edgy, and I can’t take anymore edge today. I’m headed to the bar. I don’t know which one; probably the first one I find.”
She placed her arm gently on mine. “I know what you’re going through. I don’t really know what has happened with you, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But listen, I went through this about a year ago when my dad died.”
“Um, just what is ‘this’?”
“I’m guessing depression. Your world has been shaken. Things you took for granted have been revealed through a different lens. See, my father died of a sudden illness. Very little warning, no hope for a recovery. He was my encouragement, my supporter, my reason to succeed. I was on a scholarship track to the best school. Mom sort of got sick when he died. She offered me very little comfort. I started hanging with some dangerous people, but you know, they can’t defeat me.”
“What does all that mean?”
“When I was depressed, I did very risky things. It was an attempt to get out of my own self-pity, scrambling so hard to get out of the depths. I must say, though, I have learned so much from it. I think I’ve become pretty fearless.”
“What did you do?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say my way was the right way to do it. Still, I’ll tell you what, I’m no longer depressed. I just pushed myself. Look at me. I walked right up to you that first time and started talking.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“You were here with another girl and a friend. That didn’t stop me.”
“Well, I wasn’t really ‘with’ her. We were just friends who came out here together.”
“Where is she now?”
I realized she hadn’t answered my earlier question, but she instead had pointed the center of conversation and a new question at me. Deflecting. I could actually learn a few things from this young woman.
Choosing not to call her bluff, for why would a pretender want to disrespect another pretender, I answered, “Macie has gone her own way. She sees through my line, every single line, and she knows she deserves better than that, even if we were only friends. She’s a good person; she does deserve better. I don’t think I have any real friends now. I don’t deserve any.”
“I’ll be your friend, Malachi.”
I stood. “Well, sounds great, but I’ve gotta go. This is not where I want to be right now. You are welcome to come with me if you want. It may not actually be a fun time for you, though, with the state I’m in. Either way, doesn’t matter. I’ll only ruin your life if you get too close.”
She laughed and shook her long, luxurious hair. “You can’t ruin my life. I control my life. I make the choices.”
“Okay, if you say so. Decision time. Are you coming or not?”
“I’ll follow you in my car. If you can’t drive, I may come in handy.” She smiled.
“Alrighty. Let’s go. By the way, I’m Malachi.”
“I know.” She smiled.
“Your name is?”
“Ellie. Didn’t I tell you when we met before?”
“Sorry, it has been a little while.”
Out on the street, I saw Otis as I was approaching the car. I handed him a one hundred dollar bill.
“Aw, don’t do that.” He tried to hand it back.
“It’s for you, man. You deserve this.”
Ellie eyed him suspiciously. “Come on, Malachi, let’s go.”
“I’ll catch you around, Otis. You’ll spend it more wisely than I would right now.”
“Nah. Why don’t you let me buy you dinner instead?” he called, eyeing Ellie suspiciously as she took my arm to escort me back toward my car.
“I got other plans, dude.” I stopped. “But thanks; you’re a good guy.” I waved, then turned back and kept walking with Ellie.
“Be careful!” he called as I opened my car door.
Ellie threw a twenty dollar bill at Otis without a word, then she turned and stroked my cheek. “I’ll look out for you. In fact, we can get in my car.”
“Okay.” I smiled. “He really is a good man. He deserves better. Can you believe, he asks to take me to dinner, when that’s likely the first hundred dollar bill he has seen this year.” I chuckled, feeling silly. I was full of espresso, and everyone was treating me like I couldn’t make my own decisions. For the moment, it worked for me.
We got to the first bar, a pub, and I almost got into a fight. Some guy was mad at another for getting up to order his drink before him and called him a fag.
“Lay off of him!”
“What, you don’t even know him. What’s the matter? Did I hit a nerve?” the guy called.
I lunged at him, and Ellie held me back, which only worked because I didn’t want to get her hurt.
“Yeah, let your girlfriend protect you.” The guy nearly spat at me.
She escorted me out of the building, and we headed for another place a few blocks away. She didn’t mind me drinking, but aggressive behavior evidently did not sit well with her.
“We do not need to end up in jail tonight,” she said through gritted teeth.
“You sure?” I shook my head and chuckled. “Sorry, I know you wouldn’t like that, and it wouldn’t be fair of me. I wasn’t thinking.” Though I didn’t show much more aggression that night, I did seem to be losing it. I’m sure I said too much, but it didn’t matter at that point. I’d already blown my cover to Clinton, and I could never return to my job. There was no telling how many people I spoke to. Especially when Ellie got up to take a call or to go use the bathroom.
As could have been predicted, I overdid myself. If anyone had let me drive that night, it would have been a crime, though I kept arguing that I was alright to drive. There is something about too much alcohol that can make a person stupid, and it certainly worked out that way for me. Ellie would not even drive by my car. She went the long way until I finally gave her my wallet so she could see my address. I wasn’t quite able to recite it for her.
Ellie walked me up the stairs to the apartment and helped me to the couch. I would not have made it up the stairs without her. I lay back, mumbling. Probably saying too much.
Appearing to grow tired of my blathering, Ellie picked up my long neglected guitar in the corner, picking away like a pro. She found a pick on my coffee table and started using that; it sounded great either way.
“Ah, you’re good.” I pointed a finger at her.
“You hear that note? It’s God in a musical note. He’s in there. So much power in one little moment. You have to learn to recognize those moments. They’ll blow you away.” She leaned forward, still playi
ng, “You can’t let those moments scare you. It makes all the difference in life. There is nothing wrong with chasing those moments. I still chase those moments. I also play the violin. It is just as amazing. I once thought art was my thing. Then I discovered music. And I won’t stop there. There is still so much more. So many ways to harness that power.” She looked at me with soulful eyes.
Feeling philosophical myself, I added, “I know there’s something more than this life. My life is just orchestrated. I follow people. Ha. I am in the background, not by accident. They come across me on their daily travels. It is all planned.”
“I know just what you mean. You are not living your natural life. You are part of a script. All planned. I totally get it. But it has a payoff. I have made my own decisions. Everything I do is for a reason. Even the chaotic moments have a payoff. Sometimes chaos is beautiful.” She looked at me knowingly.
Had I had my wits about me, I would have questioned her reply and realized my error, but her music was easing my spirit. I forgot the confession I’d just made; it was almost as if she was hypnotizing me. I really didn’t comprehend what she was saying, but it sounded weird, yet wise at the same time. I didn’t try too hard to ponder her words, I just let the music enter my mind and soul. That is the last I remember of that night.
***
I woke in the morning to a pounding head and a room that looked like a war zone. Clothes all over the floor, a few drawers still open, and papers scattered. Had I done that or did Ellie? I remembered snippets of our last conversation, when she talked about seeing God, or hearing God, or being God. She definitely had gotten weird, but who was I to judge with all the weirdness in my life? At the dresser, I picked up clothes, stuffed them in drawers, and replaced a few drawers, hoping to make it all sensible. Could she be sleeping on the couch? I got up to look, and no, she was not there. I had no idea at what point she left. My front door was unlocked, and the guitar sat on the couch, as evidence that it had been in use last night. So, it wasn’t a mere robbery; she certainly would have taken that guitar. I walked to the kitchen area to set up the coffee maker, regretting being alone again.
Malachi, Ruse Master Page 14
