by Robin Baker
‘You’ve been with him again,’ he said flatly, staring through her stomach at the television behind.
She said she hadn’t been with anybody, only her sister. There wasn’t anybody. He should phone her sister if he didn’t believe her. He didn’t need to phone her sister, he said – he knew. She told him he was drunk and crazy, that there was no talking to him any more, and that she was going to bed. Now, for the first time since her return, he looked up at her face and told her to stay where she was. She saw the wild look that always came into his eyes before he attacked her. As he demanded to know who she had been with, fear gripped her. He said he knew she was screwing around. She had always screwed around. He just wanted to know who it was, so that this time he could kill him.
As he staggered to his feet, she backed away, pleading with him not to hurt her again. He demanded even more loudly to know who she was screwing. She half cried, half shouted that there was nobody. Ignoring her, he yelled back that whoever it was he wasn’t going to have a free ride. He told her to take off her clothes and accept what was coming to her. She whimpered ‘No’, but it was no good. His fists and hands were everywhere as he manhandled her to the floor. As new bruises were added to old, the pain was familiar but more intense – so intense that it was almost a relief when he stopped beating her to tear off her underwear. Then he unzipped his trousers and entered her, thrusting vigorously and painfully.
Almost as soon as he had inseminated her he stood up, telling her that if he ever found out who she was seeing he was a dead man. If she was lucky, he might let her live. Now, he was going to bed and she could sleep on the floor where she belonged.
The next day she packed her and her children’s belongings and walked out, taking her sister’s advice and moving in with their mother. Over the next few weeks, she considered legal action for violence and rape but eventually decided that her best option was to have nothing further to do with him. She never saw him again, and he never tried to contact her or the children. Later, she heard that only two weeks after she had moved out, a girl of about nineteen had moved in. A year later, he was dead, murdered by the nineteen-year-old’s father.
The woman stayed with her mother far longer than either of them wanted. Eventually, she moved in with the first man who was prepared to take on her and her children. Having been deserted by his previous partner after a barren relationship, he had no children himself. At first, he was a good father to hers. But no sooner had she given birth to his daughter than his attitude changed. He began to hit her son and, unknown to her, to sexually abuse her elder daughter, who became morose and rebellious. After a particularly savage beating from his stepfather, her son left home to live with his grandmother until he could support himself. Many years later he was diagnosed as infertile, the result, he always maintained, of that final beating. Her elder daughter, once in her early teens, simply ran away and never again re-established contact.
The woman never forgave her new partner for driving away her older children, but rather than repeat the mistakes of the past she stayed with him. Once her son and elder daughter had left, her relationship with him seemed to improve. They had another child and managed to raise their family without too many problems.
There are pros and cons to both fidelity and infidelity. From the viewpoint of reproductive success, neither is inevitably advantageous or disadvantageous. What is always disadvantageous is making mistakes. Choosing an unsuitable partner from among those available is one mistake. Another is to misjudge a situation and be unfaithful when it would be better to be faithful – and to be faithful when it would be better to be unfaithful. Yet another is to be under- or over-zealous in attempting to prevent a partner from being unfaithful. The people who do best in life’s generation game are those who judge their situation correctly and then respond appropriately.
A man has a lot to lose from his partner’s infidelity. First, he may be tricked into devoting a lifetime of wealth and effort into raising another man’s child (Scene 8). Secondly, he is at greater risk to sexually transmitted diseases, because his partner is at greater risk. Thirdly, he risks being deserted by his partner if she judges the other man to be a better prospect – in which case, she may either take their children with her or leave them behind. Whichever she does, his reproductive success may suffer.
If she takes his children, they may be raised by a stepfather, which could be reproductively costly. Studies of many different cultures around the world have all shown that children are much more likely to be abused or even killed by a stepfather than by their genetic father. But if his ex-partner tries to raise their children on her own, this too can be costly. In at least some societies, the children in single-parent families have a higher mortality risk. The same risk exists if his partner leaves their children for him to raise single-handedly. Even if he manages to attract another partner, he still risks having them abused or murdered – this time by their stepmother.
Humans aren’t the only animals known to behave more aggressively towards their stepchildren. Male lions provide a good example. Lion prides contain two or three males and up to eight females and their young. Wandering over the savannah are bachelor groups of two or three males, each group looking for a pride from which they can oust the current males. If they succeed, the first thing they do is kill the cubs, the pride’s legacy from the previous males. The females are brought into heat by the loss of their young, giving the new males an early chance to sire their own offspring.
Some monkeys that live in harem groups – one male with several females – behave in the same way. If the harem-owner is driven out, the new male kills the previous male’s offspring. Even monkeys that live in much larger groups, consisting of many males and females, show similar behaviour. More often than not, a male acts aggressively towards young which cannot be his. On occasion, however, he may do the exact opposite and go out of his way to help a female look after such young. But this is not the act of selflessness it might seem – it is instead a ploy to gain sexual access. Once the female produces a baby that could be the male’s, he behaves more aggressively towards her older offspring. Note the similarity of such behaviour to that shown in Scene 9 by the woman’s second partner.
There are two ways in which a man may try to reduce the chances of his partner’s infidelity. Crudely, these masquerade as possessiveness and jealousy. As noted in Scene 6, on the one hand he can spend so much time with his partner that she has very little opportunity to be unfaithful. On the other, he can threaten her with undesirable consequences if she is unfaithful. His two main threats are first, desertion, and secondly, violence – towards her, her lover, or both. The man in Scene 9 used violence, and carried it to excess. Such behaviour is not uncommon.
Infidelity and, just as potently, the suspicion of infidelity are two of the main causes of domestic violence. They are given as the reason for over half of reported cases of the abuse and murder of a partner. In this, humans are for once relatively unusual. Studies of other animals, mainly birds, have shown that males rarely respond to a partner’s infidelity with aggression, though they may behave aggressively towards the other male. Monkeys and apes are a little more similar to people. Even so, they are still less predictable than humans in showing aggression towards an unfaithful partner.
Why humans should show more aggression than other animals in such circumstances is unclear. One possibility derives from the differences in size and strength between men and women. In most animals, there is little such difference between the sexes. Potential victims can usually give as good as they get. In humans, however, men do have a considerable physical advantage over women, and most domestic violence is perpetrated by men on women, rather than vice versa. This physical difference gives men more potential than the males of other species to be violent to their female partners.
Measured aggression, or its threat, may play an important part in preventing a partner’s infidelity. But if it is misjudged, either in timing or in vigour, the reproductive costs m
ay greatly outweigh the reproductive benefits. This is because there are at least three potential disadvantages to behaving aggressively towards one’s sexual partner. First, as long as a male (or a female) needs the partner’s cooperation in having and raising children, then that partner’s continuing health and fertility are essential. Violence, and any damage it may cause the partner, are therefore disadvantageous to the aggressor as well as to the victim. Secondly, there is the danger of such vigorous retaliation on the part of the victim that it is the aggressor who eventually ends up the more damaged. Finally, other individuals with the victim’s interests at heart, such as parents, siblings or potential partners, may also offer a vigorous defence, as the violent man in Scene 9 found to his cost.
This man showed a level of aggression towards his partner unusual among animals. His urge to inseminate her on suspecting infidelity, though, is less unusual, and has its counterpart behaviour among many other species. Male birds, for example, on seeing their partner having sex with another male, fly straight at that male and knock him off. They then immediately inseminate the female. Male rats and monkeys respond similarly. After inseminating his partner, a male rat or monkey would normally wait a while before doing so again. However, if he sees her mating with another male, he re-inseminates her immediately. Even if they have simply been apart for longer than usual, he is more likely to inseminate her when they next meet.
Such rapid re-insemination is an important strategy for success in sperm warfare (Scene 21). If the second male waits too long, more of the first male’s sperm have time to leave the seminal pool. In addition, the first male’s army has the chance to distribute itself throughout the female’s tract in an optimum way – blocking cervical channels, filling cervical crypts, and organising the next few days’ passage of killers and egg-getters. On the other hand, if the second male can inseminate the female quickly enough, his own army is there in time to compete for prime positions in the female. Studies on rats have shown that virtually every second counts. The longer the second male waits before inseminating the female, the more pups in the litter will be sired by the first male. Speed is everything.
It is for this reason that rats, monkeys – and men – become sexually excited by the sight of another couple having intercourse. The male’s penis becomes erect and he may even load his urethra with sperm. Along with almost all other aspects of human sexuality, the appeal of hard-core pornography owes its existence to behaviour shaped for success in sperm warfare.
Men seek to avoid the costs of their partner’s infidelity by being vigilant for signs, minimising opportunities, and threatening desertion or retaliation. If signs of infidelity are detected, then guarding and threats are escalated. Only if infidelity actually occurs, however, are the threats usually carried out. Even then, a man may decide that his long-term prospects for reproduction are still better if he stays with his current partner than with anyone else – in which case, the threats are curtailed.
In Scene 9, separation was costly to both the man and the woman. Their son, at least, may have suffered reproductively as a direct consequence of the separation. The daughter, too, may have done so, though her fate is unknown.
Had the violent man actually been correct in claiming that neither child was his and that the woman was being unfaithful, his extreme behaviour might still have been advantageous. Starting again with a new and younger partner could have been a better strategy than staying with an unfaithful older partner. But he was wrong and, as it happened, his misjudged violence reduced his reproductive success in two ways: first, via the two children he had sired; secondly, by leading to his early death it robbed him of the chance of producing further children.
Although deserting her first partner was costly to the woman through its effect on her children, she probably made the best of a bad job – in so far as her reproductive survival was concerned, anyway. Had she stayed with him any longer, his violence could have been so physically damaging that she might have been unable to have more children. He might even have turned on her children, acting on his mistaken conclusion that he was not their father – in which case, their prospects would have been no better or worse with their real father than with a stepfather. Given her situation, the woman was always going to be in danger of achieving few or no grandchildren via her first family. However, by leaving her violent partner when she did, she at least managed to produce a second family, this time with every chance of having grandchildren.
SCENE 10
Licking Infidelity
In the first few moments after it was over, they felt awkward. Having picnicked in the sun in a secluded hay-field, they had been carried by sexual excitement to the brink of infidelity. But she had resisted and in the end, with her encouragement, he had simply ejaculated on to the grass. Now, as passion and frustration subsided, so did the awkwardness. She promised there would be other occasions and better moments. Soon they began to relax.
They stayed in the field for another half-hour, him stretched out in the sun, her sitting in the shade and occasionally talking. Reluctantly, they eventually packed up and drove back to their home town. He dropped her in the car park at work, and then they drove home separately to their respective partners.
As soon as the man walked through his front door and exchanged greetings, he sensed a strangeness in his partner’s mood. The phone rang, but when he answered the caller hung up. Over dinner, his partner showed no interest in his day. He told her where his business had taken him and who had gone with him, but got no reaction. All evening, she busied herself, spending scarcely any time with him. On the few occasions they spoke, she hardly looked at him. When asked how her day had been, she shrugged and said it had been normal. She had taken the children to and from school and done the shopping; otherwise she had been in all day. The highlight had been an hour’s sunbathing early in the afternoon. Then, for no apparent reason, she volunteered the information that the bed had needed changing and she had washed the sheets. At the end of the evening, as they went upstairs, she complained of how hot the day had been and said she felt like a long bath.
While his partner bathed, the man lay naked on their bed, enjoying the humid heat of the summer night. He thought of the other woman, their picnic, his near-infidelity, and her promise of other occasions and better moments. He became aroused. When his partner came into the room he was visibly ready for sex, but she ignored him and busied herself tidying clothes. Usually, she would walk around naked after a late-night bath, but tonight she was wearing her bath robe. She also switched off the light before undressing and getting into bed, but she probably needn’t have worried. The marks on her back were nowhere near as obvious as she imagined.
When he began his sexual overtures, she complained of her tiredness. But he was determined not to be denied a second time that day. For a moment she stiffened and held his head as he worked with his lips down from her breasts to her navel. When he reached her pubic hair, she complained again that she really didn’t feel like sex. He told her to relax and offered to lick her in just the way she liked. Tonight, she said, she didn’t feel like that either. But it was too late. His head was already between her legs.
He nuzzled her pubic hair, which was sweet-smelling and still slightly damp from her bath. So too were her thighs, but when he began to part her vulval lips with his tongue she galvanised into action, moved down the bed, and began to kiss his face. With hardly any further foreplay she took hold of his penis and guided him into position. He thought it was too soon but, inside, she was surprisingly wet. Intercourse was long. She didn’t climax, but he did.
On the other side of town, the man’s near-mistress from the hay-field was also having problems with her partner. Once their children were in bed the pair had sat on the settee wearing only their dressing-gowns, supposedly relaxing before going to bed. They each had a cat curled up on their lap. The man had been irritable all evening, and she knew why. He was not happy that she had been on a business trip all day with another man. Ev
ery so often since they had eaten he had tried to ask about her day, but the children and their evening routine had prevented any sensible conversation. Now, quiet at last, he sought reassurance.
He asked how she had got on with the other man, commenting that a whole day was a long time to be in somebody’s company if you didn’t know them very well. She replied that it had been OK, said truthfully that they had talked mainly about work on the way down, then lied that she had slept most of the way back. He complained that they should have gone by train, disliking the idea of their having been alone in the privacy of a car. The woman shrugged, saying she had had no choice. The man had wanted to drive, and he was the boss. Then, in an inspired moment, she said she was glad they had driven. It meant they could open the windows. It had been so hot – and the man had smelled really bad all day.
There was a pause, so she pushed home the advantage gained from her lie. She complained that the man had really annoyed her over lunch. He had seemed to disapprove of everything she liked and believed in. At times, it had been really difficult not to tell him what she thought of him. Her partner relaxed a little, somewhat reassured by her lies.
Suddenly, she had an idea. Gently pushing the cat off her lap, she swivelled round towards her partner and placed her hand partly on his thigh and partly on the cat still on his lap. Making up the story as she went along, she told him of a dream she had had while dozing in the car on the way back. As she talked, she stroked the cat on his lap, apparently accidentally rubbing her partner’s penis under his dressing-gown with the back of her hand. In graphic detail, she described how, in the dream, the cat now on his lap had been giving her oral sex. Its tongue had been rough, but gentle. She had got really excited and nearly come, feeling embarrassed when she woke in case the driver had noticed her flush. Now with her partner’s full attention, she continued that the thought of oral sex had been in her mind ever since. Complaining that it was a long time since he had obliged her, she urged him to do so now.
