by Nora Roberts
“Run!” he shouted at her. Together, they raced away from the Pontiac.
Bryan didn’t see the explosion. She heard it, but more, she felt it. The whoosh of hot air slammed into her back and sent her sprawling onto the grassy shoulder of the road. There was a whistle of metal as something hot and twisted and lethal flew overhead. One of the teenagers screamed and buried her face in her hands.
Stunned, Bryan lay prone a moment, waiting to catch her breath. Over the sound of fire, she could hear the whine of sirens.
“Are you hurt?” Shade half dragged her up to her knees. He’d seen the flying slice of metal whiz by her head. Hands that had been rock steady moments before trembled as they gripped her.
“No.” Bryan shook her head and, finding her balance, turned to the whimpering girl beside her. A broken arm, she realized as she tucked the blanket under the girl’s chin. And the cut on her temple would need stitches. “Take it easy,” Bryan murmured, pulling out a piece of gauze from the first-aid box she’d brought from the van. “You’re going to be fine. The ambulance is coming. Can you hear it?”
As she spoke, she pressed the gauze against the wound to stop the bleeding. Her voice was calm, but her fingers trembled.
“Bobby.” Tears ran down the girl’s face as she clung to Bryan. “Is Bobby all right? He was driving.”
Bryan glanced over and looked directly at Shade before she lowered her gaze to the unconscious boy. “He’s going to be fine,” she said, and felt helpless.
Six young, careless children, she thought as she scanned those sitting or lying on the grass. The driver of the other car sat dazedly across from them, holding a rag to the cut on his own head. For a moment, a long, still moment, the night was quiet—warm, almost balmy. Stars were brilliant overhead. Moonlight was strong and lovely. Thirty feet away, what was left of the Pontiac crackled with flame. Bryan slipped her arm around the shoulders of the girl and watched the lights of the ambulance speed up the road.
As the paramedics began to work, another ambulance and the fire department were called. For twenty minutes, Bryan sat by the young girl, talking to her, holding her hand while her injuries were examined and tended to.
Her name was Robin. She was seventeen. Of the six teenagers in the car, her boyfriend, Bobby, was the oldest at nineteen. They’d only been celebrating summer vacation.
As Bryan listened and soothed, she glanced up to see Shade calmly setting his camera. Astonished, she watched as he carefully focused and framed in the injured. Dispassionately, he recorded the scene of the accident, the victims and what was left of the car. As astonishment faded, Bryan felt the fury bubble inside her. When Robin was carried to the second ambulance, Bryan sprang up.
“What the hell are you doing?” She grabbed his shoulder, spoiling a shot. Still calm, Shade turned to her and gave her one quick study.
She was pale. Her eyes showed both strain and fury. And, he thought, a dull sheen of shock. For the first time since he’d known her, Shade saw how tense her body could be. “I’m doing my job,” he said simply, and lifted the camera again.
“Those kids are bleeding!” Bryan grabbed his shoulder again, swinging herself around until she was face-to-face with him. “They’ve got broken bones. They’re hurt and they’re frightened. Since when is your job taking pictures of their pain?”
“Since I picked up a camera for pay.” Shade let the camera swing by its strap. He’d gotten enough, in any case. He didn’t like the feeling in his own stomach, the tension behind his eyes. Most of all, he didn’t like the look in Bryan’s as she stared at him. Disgust. He shrugged it off.
“You’re only willing to take pictures of fun in the sun for this assignment, Bryan. You saw the car, those kids. That’s part of it, too. Part of life. If you can’t handle it, you’d better stick to your celebrity shots and leave the real world alone.”
He’d taken two steps toward the van when Bryan was on him again. She might avoid confrontations as a matter of habit, take the line of least resistance as often as possible, but there were times when she’d fight. When she did, she used everything.
“I can handle it.” She wasn’t pale any longer; her face glowed with anger. Her eyes gleamed with it. “What I can’t handle are the vultures who love picking at bones, making a profit off misery in the name of art. There were six people in that car. People,” she repeated, hissing at him. “Maybe they were foolish, maybe they deserved what happened, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to judge. Do you think it makes you a better photographer, a better artist, because you’re cold enough, you’re professional enough, to freeze their pain on printing paper? Is this the way you look for another Pulitzer nomination?”
She was crying now, too angry, too churned up by what she’d seen, to be aware of the tears streaming down her cheeks. Yet somehow the tears made her look stronger. They thickened her voice and gave it impact. “I’ll tell you what it makes you,” she went on when Shade remained silent. “It makes you empty. Whatever compassion you were born with died somewhere along the way, Shade. I’m sorry for you.”
She left him standing in the middle of the road by the shell of the car.
* * *
It was nearly 3:00 a.m. Shade had learned that the mind was at its most helpless in those early hours of the morning. The van was dark and quiet, parked in a small campground just over the Oklahoma border. He and Bryan hadn’t exchanged a word since the accident. Each had prepared for bed in silence, and though both of them had lain awake for some time, neither had spoken. Now they slept, but only Bryan slept dreamlessly.
There’d been a time, during the first months after his return from Cambodia, that Shade had had the dream regularly. Over the years it had come to him less and less. Often he could force himself awake and fight the dream off before it really took hold. But now, in the tiny Oklahoma campground, he was powerless.
He knew he was dreaming. The moment the figures and shapes began to form in his mind, Shade understood it wasn’t real—that it wasn’t real any longer. It didn’t stop the panic or the pain. The Shade Colby in the dream would go through the same motions he’d gone through all those years ago, leading to the same end. And in the dream there were no soft lines, no mists to lessen the impact. He saw it as it had happened, in strong sunlight.
Shade came out of the hotel and onto the street with Dave, his assistant. Between them, they carried all their luggage and equipment. They were going home. After four months of hard, often dangerous work in a city torn, ravaged and smoldering, they were going home. It had occurred to Shade that they were calling it close—but he’d called it close before. Every day they stayed on added to the risk of getting out at all. But there’d always been one more picture to take, one more statement to make. And there’d been Sung Lee.
She’d been so young, so eager, so wise. As a contact in the city, she’d been invaluable. She’d been just as invaluable to Shade personally. After a bumpy, unpleasant divorce from a wife who’d wanted more glamour and less reality, Shade had needed the long, demanding assignment. And he’d needed Sung Lee.
She was devoted, sweet, undemanding. When he’d taken her to bed, Shade had finally been able to block out the rest of the world and relax. His only regret in going back home was that she wouldn’t leave her country.
As they’d stepped out on the street, Shade had been thinking of her. They’d said their goodbyes the night before, but he was thinking of her. Perhaps if he hadn’t been, he’d have sensed something. He’d asked himself that hundreds of times in the months that followed.
The city was quiet, but it wasn’t peaceful. The tension in the air could erupt at any time. Those who were getting out were doing so in a hurry. Tomorrow, the next day, the doors might be closed. Shade took one last look around as they started toward their car. One last picture, he’d thought, of the calm before the storm.
A few careless words to Dave and he was alone, standing on the curb pulling his camera out of its case. He laughed as Dave swore and struggled w
ith the luggage on his way to the car. Just one last picture. The next time he lifted his camera to shoot, it would be on American soil.
“Hey, Colby!” Young, grinning, Dave stood beside the car. He looked like a college student on spring break. “How about taking one of a future award-winning photographer on his way out of Cambodia?”
With a laugh, Shade lifted his camera and framed in his assistant. He remembered exactly the way he’d looked. Blond, tanned, a bit gangly, with a crooked front tooth and a faded USC T-shirt.
He took the shot. Dave turned the key in the lock.
“Let’s go home,” his assistant yelled the instant before the car exploded.
“Shade. Shade!” Heart pounding, Bryan shook him. “Shade, wake up, it’s a dream.” He grabbed her hard enough to make bruises, but she kept talking. “It’s Bryan, Shade. You’re having a dream. Just a dream. We’re in Oklahoma, in your van. Shade.” She took his face in her hands and felt the skin cold and damp. “Just a dream,” she said quietly. “Try to relax. I’m right here.”
He was breathing too quickly. Shade felt himself straining for air and forced himself to calm. God, he was cold. He felt the warmth of Bryan’s skin under his hands, heard her voice, calm, low, soothing. With an oath, he dropped back down again and waited for the shuddering to stop.
“I’ll get you some water.”
“Scotch.”
“All right.” The moonlight was bright enough. She found the plastic cup and the bottle and poured. Behind her, she heard the flare of his lighter and the hiss as it caught paper and tobacco. When Bryan turned, he was sitting up on the bunk, resting back against the side of the van. She had no experience with whatever trauma haunted Shade, but she did know how to soothe nerves. She handed him the drink, then, without asking, sat beside him. She waited until he’d taken the first sip.
“Better?”
He took another sip, a deeper one. “Yeah.”
She touched his arm lightly, but the contact was made. “Tell me.”
He didn’t want to speak of it, not to anyone, not to her. Even as the refusal formed on his lips, she increased the grip on his arm.
“We’ll both feel better if you do. Shade…” She had to wait again, this time for him to turn and look at her. Her heartbeat was steadier now, and so, as her fingers lay over his wrist, was his. But there was still a thin sheen of sweat drying on his skin. “Nothing gets better and goes away if you hold it in.”
He’d held it in for years. It’d never gone away. Perhaps it never would. Maybe it was the quiet understanding in her voice, or the late hour, but he found himself talking.
He told her of Cambodia, and though his voice was flat, she could see it as he had. Ripe for explosion, crumbling, angry. Long, monotonous days punctuated by moments of terror. He told her how he’d reluctantly taken on an assistant and then learned to appreciate and enjoy the young man fresh out of college. And Sung Lee.
“We ran across her in a bar where most of the journalists hung out. It wasn’t until a long time later that I put together just how convenient the meeting was. She was twenty, beautiful, sad. For nearly three months, she gave us leads she supposedly learned from a cousin who worked at the embassy.”
“Were you in love with her?”
“No.” He drew on his cigarette until there was nothing left but filter. “But I cared. I wanted to help her. And I trusted her.”
He dropped his cigarette into an ashtray and concentrated on his drink. The panic was gone. He’d never realized he could talk about it calmly, think about it calmly. “Things were heating up, and the magazine decided to pull its people out. We were going home. We were coming out of the hotel, and I stopped to take a couple of shots. Like a tourist.” He swore and drained the rest of the Scotch. “Dave got to the car first. It’d been booby-trapped.”
“Oh, my God.” Without realizing it, she moved closer to him.
“He was twenty-three. Carried a picture of the girl he was going to marry.”
“I’m sorry.” She laid her head against his shoulder, wound her arm around him. “I’m so sorry.”
He braced himself against the flood of sympathy. He wasn’t ready for it. “I tried to find Sung Lee. She was gone; her apartment was empty. It turned out that I’d been her assignment. The group she’d worked for had let things leak through so I’d relax and trust her. They’d intended to make a statement by blowing away an important American reporter. They’d missed me. An assistant photographer on his first overseas assignment didn’t make any impact. The kid died for nothing.”
And he’d watched the car explode, she thought. Just as he’d watched the car explode tonight. What had it done to him—then and now? Was that why, she wondered, he’d coolly taken out his camera and recorded it all? He was so determined not to feel.
“You blame yourself,” she murmured. “You can’t.”
“He was a kid. I should’ve looked out for him.”
“How?” She shifted so that they were face-to-face again. His eyes were dark, full of cold anger and frustration. She’d never forget just how they looked at that moment. “How?” she repeated. “If you hadn’t stopped to take those pictures, you’d have gotten into the car with him. He’d still be dead.”
“Yeah.” Suddenly weary, Shade ran his hands over his face. The tension was gone, but not the bitterness. Perhaps that’s what he was weary of.
“Shade, after the accident—”
“Forget it.”
“No.” This time she had his hand caught in hers. “You were doing what you had to, for your own reasons. I said I wouldn’t judge those kids, but I was judging you. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t want her apology, but she gave it. He didn’t want her to cleanse him, but she was washing away the guilt. He’d seen so much—too much—of the dark side of human nature. She was offering him the light. It tempted him and it terrified him.
“I’ll never see things as you do,” he murmured. After a moment’s hesitation, he laced his fingers with hers. “I’ll never be as tolerant.”
Puzzled, she frowned as they stared at each other. “No, I don’t think you will. I don’t think you have to.”
“You were right earlier when you said my compassion was dead. I haven’t any.” She started to speak, but he shook his head. “I haven’t any patience, very little sympathy.”
Did he look at his own pictures? she wondered. Didn’t he see the carefully harnessed emotion in them? But she said nothing, letting him make whatever point he needed to.
“I stopped believing in intimacy, genuine intimacy, permanency, between two people a long time ago. But I do believe in honesty.”
She might’ve drawn away from him. There was something in his voice that warned her, but she stayed where she was. Their bodies were close. She could feel his heartbeat steady as hers began to race. “I think permanency works for some people.” Was that her voice? she wondered, so calm, so practical. “I stopped looking for it for myself.”
Isn’t that what he’d wanted to hear? Shade looked down at their joined hands and wondered why her words left him dissatisfied. “Then it’s understood that neither of us wants or needs promises.”
Bryan opened her mouth, amazed that she wanted to object. She swallowed. “No promises,” she managed. She had to think, had to have the distance to manage it. Deliberately she smiled. “I think we both could use some sleep, though.”
He tightened his grip on her hand as she started to move. Honesty, he’d said. Though the words weren’t easy for him, he’d say what he meant. He looked at her a long time. What was left of the moonlight showered her face and shadowed her eyes. Caught in his, her hand was steady. Her pulse wasn’t.
“I need you, Bryan.”
There were so many things he could have said, and to any of them she’d have had an answer. Wants—no, wants weren’t enough. She’d already told him. Demands could be refused or shrugged off.
Needs. Needs were deeper, warmer, stronger. A need was enough.
Slowly, she drew her hand from his. Just as slowly, she lifted both hands to his face and brought her mouth to his. With their eyes open, they shared a long, quiet kiss. It was a move that both offered and took.
She offered, with her hands light on his skin. She took, with her mouth warm and certain. He accepted. He gave. And then in the same instant, they both forgot the rules.
Her lashes fluttered down, her lips parted. Mindlessly he pulled her against him until their bodies were crushed close. She didn’t resist, but went with him as they slid from the bunk and onto the rug.
She’d wanted this—the triumph and the weakness of being touched by him. She’d wanted the glory of letting herself go, of allowing her longings freedom. With his mouth hungry on hers, there was no need to think, no need to hold back what she’d wanted so desperately to give him. Only to him.
Take more. Her mind was reeling from the demands of her body. Take all. She could feel him tug at the wide neck of her sleep shirt until her shoulder was bare and vulnerable to his mouth. Still more. She skimmed her hands up his back, naked and warm from the night breeze flowing in the windows.
He wasn’t easy as a lover. Hadn’t she known it? There was no patience in him. Hadn’t he told her? She’d known it before, but she was already aware that she’d never know relaxation with Shade. He drove her quickly, thoroughly. While she experienced all, she had no time to luxuriate in separate sensations. Masses of them swirled around, inside her.
Tastes … his lips, his skin—dark flavor. Scents … flowers, flesh—sweet and pungent. Textures … the nap of the rug rubbing against her legs, the hard brush of his palm, the soft warmth of his mouth. Sounds … her heartbeat pounding in her head, the murmur of her name in his whisper. She could see shadows, moonlight, the gleam of his eyes before his mouth took hers again. Everything merged and mixed together until they were one overpowering sensation. Passion.
