by Mj Williamz
Ronnie simply shook her head.
“Well, I’ll let her tell you. There’s a strong chance of infection so I’m going to have you scrub as soon as we get in her room. And, please, don’t touch her face.”
“Her face?”
“Are you ready? Come on.”
What the hell did her face have to do with anything? She followed Monica down the hall, more confused with each passing minute.
Lana was asleep when they arrived and, as promised, Monica watched as Ronnie scrubbed her hands and arms. When she’d been approved, Monica led Ronnie to Lana’s bed.
“It’s best to let her sleep,” Monica said. “But you can wait here.”
“I’m awake,” Lana said weakly. She opened her eyes, and Ronnie saw pain and fear in them.
“Lana, baby.” Her heart dropped as she took in the dressing on Lana’s face and neck and the emotions in her eyes. She went to the bed, leaned over it, and ran her fingers through her hair.
“Remember what I said about touching her face,” Monica said.
“Oh, yeah.” Ronnie straightened.
“I’ll leave you two alone now.” Monica left the room.
“What happened?” Ronnie said.
“Whitney threw sulfuric acid on me. I’m now deformed, so I can’t be with you anymore. And I can’t model either. My life is ruined.”
“Damn her! How dare she? And fuck! If I’d turned down that job this morning and we’d spent the morning together like we’d planned, none of this would have happened.”
“This isn’t your fault, Ronnie.”
“The hell it isn’t. It’s all my fault. I never should have left you alone.” Ronnie’s eyes grew wide. “And wait a minute. What did you say about us?”
“I can’t be with you, Ronnie. I’m deformed. Mutilated. I can’t burden you with that. Besides, you deserve someone who’s attractive, not disfigured.”
“But it’s you that I want. I don’t care about a little scar tissue.”
“It’s not a little. I haven’t seen it yet, but it feels like hamburger under there. Not something I want you looking at for any foreseeable future.”
“I think that’s my choice. But I don’t deserve you.”
“How do you figure?” Lana looked genuinely surprised.
“I should have been with you. I shouldn’t have left this morning.”
“So we’d both be here in the burn unit? How would that have helped anything?”
“I don’t know. I just feel so bad about this. I’m so sorry, Lana. How can I make this up to you? Can I ever?”
“You need to stop beating yourself up. This is Whitney’s fault. No one else’s.”
Ronnie’s stomach burned with guilt. She needed to prove to Lana how sorry she was.
“I know what I’ll do,” she said. “I’ll go kick Whitney’s ass.”
“You’ll do no such thing. Let the police handle this.”
“But I can’t sit idly by.”
“You don’t have to. You can leave, Ronnie. And I think you should. You don’t have to stand by me. I’m a freak of nature now.”
“I can’t leave you, Lana.”
“You have to. I won’t have you tied to an unemployed, deformed version of my former self. Now go. Fly. Be free.”
“Lana…”
“This isn’t open for debate. Go find someone who’s beautiful for you to spend your life with. Good-bye, Ronnie.”
Lana turned away from her, and Ronnie knew she had no choice but to leave. Crushed and guilt-ridden, Ronnie walked out of the hospital room. She drove home and climbed into bed. It was the middle of the night, but sleep wouldn’t come. She couldn’t get over everything that had happened. She vowed to make it up to Lana. Somehow. Some way.
* * *
It was a rough night for Lana. The nurses were in and out all night, monitoring her vital signs and checking on her wound. It was just as well, as sleep escaped her. She lay awake pondering her future. She became overwhelmed at the thought of never modeling or seeing Ronnie again. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, only to be woken up to have her soggy dressing changed.
She dozed again and was awakened when Monica came in with breakfast. Lana forced herself to eat, knowing she needed to keep her energy up. When she’d finished she decided to do what she’d been dreading the whole time.
“May I ask a favor?” Lana said.
“Sure. What?”
“Can I see myself?”
“You haven’t looked at your burns yet?”
“No.”
“Are you sure you want to?”
“I’m sure.”
Monica seemed hesitant but went out and brought back a mirror.
“Now, remember, they haven’t started to heal.”
“Okay.”
Monica held up the mirror and Lana’s whole world spun. She felt the bile rise in her throat. She tried to stop it, but it was no use. She threw up all over Monica.
“I’m so sorry,” she said.
“That’s okay. You’re not the first patient to do that, and I doubt you’ll be the last. Now, let’s get those burns dressed.”
Lana lay there mortified. She couldn’t believe what she looked like. She was disfigured beyond words. Her cheek and neck looked like raw hamburger. She knew she’d never work again. She heard Monica talking, obviously trying to soothe her.
“What?” Lana said. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“I asked what you do for a living.”
Tears welled in Lana’s eyes.
“Are you going to cry again?” Monica said. “Because I’ll hold off on the gauze.”
Lana fought to keep the tears in check, but they rolled down her cheeks, burning her raw skin.
“I was a model. I guess I’m not one anymore,” she said.
“Oh, honey.” She patted her arm. “I’m so sorry.”
She handed Lana a tissue.
“I’m sorry. I’m just feeling sorry for myself,” Lana said. “I’ll get it together so you can apply new gauze.”
She took a deep breath and let it out. Confident she wasn’t going to cry anymore, she nodded at Monica.
“You sure?” Monica said.
“For the moment.”
“That’s all we can ask for.”
She dressed Lana’s wounds and then promised she’d be back to check on her, thus leaving Lana alone with her thoughts again. Time was passing so slowly, but the pain meds Monica had injected into her IV were starting to work their magic. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes and let the medication lull her to sleep.
* * *
Ronnie hardly slept at all that night. She tossed and turned all night thinking first of Lana in that hospital room and then of Whitney, presumably walking around free. But was she certain it was Whitney? She flashed back to Christine’s comment. Had it been an idle threat? It made her stomach hurt. She finally got out of bed at four and made some coffee and hopped in the shower.
She finished her shower and dressed and gelled her hair. She was ready to go, but it wasn’t even six yet. She sat in the kitchen and drank some coffee. But she couldn’t stand being home alone, so she headed for the studio.
She opened the studio and started the coffee. Then she set up for her first shoot of the day. She had nothing to do but wait. She poured a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table, absently flipping through the pages of a magazine.
She needed to get busy, to take her mind off Lana. She wanted desperately to assuage the guilt that consumed her for not being there to keep Lana safe. On top of that, she tried to process the fact that Lana had kicked her out of her life. It was too much to bear. Not that she deserved Lana, after what she’d done, but it killed her that Lana didn’t think she deserved Ronnie.
Devon finally showed up.
“You look like shit, Boss. Are you okay?”
“Rough night. That’s all.”
“Is everything okay with Lana? Why didn’t she show up yesterday?�
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“Whitney.” It was all Ronnie could say without choking up.
“Huh? What does that even mean?”
“Lana’s in the hospital. That bitch Whitney threw acid on her face.”
“Holy shit! Are you serious? How is Lana?”
“Not good. Not only is she in pain, she thinks she’s too disfigured to model again.”
“Oh no,” Devon said. “Modeling is her life. Outside of you, I mean.”
“That’s the other thing. She doesn’t think she’s worthy of me anymore. She says I need to find someone beautiful to spend my life with. She doesn’t think she deserves me.”
“That’s just crap. And shouldn’t you make that decision?” Ronnie simply nodded. “So how are you doing? Should you take some time off?”
“No. I’ll be okay. I need to work. I have to keep busy. I’ll go see her tonight.”
“Are you sure you’re okay to work? Shouldn’t you be with her? Does she have anyone else?”
“Not that I know of.”
Ronnie sat silently thinking of Lana alone in a hospital bed and felt sad. Then she remembered who put her there and her anger boiled. She vowed to kick Whitney’s ass, to make her pay for what she’d done. She was roused from her reverie when her morning model showed up for her shoot.
“Hi,” Ronnie said. “We’re all set up so go ahead and get changed.”
Ronnie picked up her camera, determined to focus on the task at hand. The model came out of the dressing room, and she shot her for the next two hours, calling out instructions and making love to her with the camera. When they were through, they were both happy with the pictures.
Well, at least that was a good way to pass the time, Ronnie thought. She hadn’t been able to think about Lana at all during the shoot. And another model had just walked in. It was good to be busy.
* * *
Lana lay alone in her room with frequent check-ins by Monica. Finally, she came in to check her vitals one last time and bring her some dinner.
“My shift is over now,” she said. “But the night shift nurse’s name is Jackie and she’s sweet as can be. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask her, okay?”
“Okay.”
Monica left and Lana had never felt more alone. She almost wished she had a roommate, someone to talk to at least. But then, she wouldn’t want anyone to see her in the shape she was in. It was bad enough the nurses had to.
She managed to eat the horrible hospital food. She wasn’t hungry, but reasoned she had to keep her strength up if she was going to heal. She turned the television on and tried to focus on a program, but all she could think about was all the times she’d watched TV with Ronnie. She missed her so much. The thought made her cry again. She could feel the gauze getting wet from her tears but was at a loss to stop them.
Jackie came in a few minutes later to get her empty plate.
“Oh, honey,” she said. “You’ve been crying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, no. It’s okay. I know this can’t be easy for you.”
“No. It’s definitely not.”
“Okay, well, let me take the tray away and I’ll be back to rewrap your burns. Can’t have wet gauze on them, you know.”
She disappeared but was back a few minutes later. She unwrapped Lana’s face and neck.
Lana awoke later. Her room was darkish. Jackie was there to take her vitals again.
“What time is it?” Lana said.
“It’s nine o’clock. Do you need anything?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
Lana fell back asleep but didn’t sleep peacefully. She had nightmares about disfigured beasts attacking her. She also was woken up every four hours to have her vitals checked. She finally gave up on sleep at some point when the room was still dark. She lay there listening to the sounds of the hospital around her.
She missed Ronnie. She wanted to call her, to tell her she’d changed her mind, that she wanted nothing more than to be with her forever. Again, she realized that wouldn’t be fair to Ronnie, who would have no desire to be with her anymore. She started when Jackie came into her room.
“Good morning. You’re up awfully early.”
“Yeah. I had all sorts of nightmares, so I didn’t want to sleep anymore.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. That’s not good. You need your rest to heal.”
“Maybe I’ll sleep some during the day.”
“I sure hope you do. Okay. I’m going to put some salve on your burns now and redress them.”
“Okay.”
She held her breath while Jackie uncovered her burns. The fresh air hurt, but she gritted her teeth and dealt with it. She wouldn’t cry. Not anymore.
The salve Jackie put on her wound was cool and felt good. She redressed them, and Lana was all set.
“Breakfast won’t be served for another couple of hours,” Jackie said. “But I might be able to get you a snack if you’re hungry.”
“No, thanks. I’m fine. I do hurt though.”
“Yes. You’re due for more pain meds. I’ll go get them.”
Lana leaned back and breathed carefully to try to keep the pain at bay. But Jackie was back with her pain meds shortly. Once they were in her system, Lana closed her eyes and dozed again.
She woke up next when Monica was there with her breakfast.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” she said.
“That’s okay.” Her stomach growled. “I guess I’m hungry.”
“Good. We’ve got to keep that strength up.”
“Yeah. That’s kind of what I figured.”
“How’s the pain?”
Lana thought for a moment.
“It’s a dull roar. Not too bad.”
“Well, you’ll be due for more meds after you finish breakfast. And I’ll check your wounds then, too.”
She left, and Lana ate the scrambled eggs that she was sure were powdered. She ate the apple and drank her juice. She actually felt better, almost human.
Monica was back with her pain meds. She also changed and redressed her burns.
“Do they look any better?”
“You’re a long way from healed. You’ve got a long way to go before they look better.”
“Great. Just wonderful.”
Monica patted Lana’s arm.
“It’s okay, Lana. It’s hard to take sometimes.”
“Yeah. I can’t believe you guys can look at it day in and day out.”
“We’re a burn unit. Believe it or not, we’ve seen a lot worse. That doesn’t minimize yours, though. Believe me.”
Lana dozed some more and woke up when Monica came in to check her vitals.
“How are you feeling?” she said.
“Depressed.”
“I can understand that. You know, it’s visiting hours. Will someone be coming to visit you? That would help with the depression.”
Lana thought again of Ronnie and wondered if she’d come by to visit. She doubted it. She wished she could call her, but it wasn’t fair to think like that. Tears welled in her eyes again.
“There’s no one,” Lana said.
The tears spilled down her face, and Monica patted her arm as they fell.
“It’s okay to cry, Lana. We’ll just change your dressing when you’re through.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you do all that extra work.”
“It’s nothing. Now, are you okay?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Okay I’ll go get some more gauze.”
Lana lay patiently while Monica administered to her.
“I gave you some more pain meds, too,” Monica said.
“Thank you.”
With more pain meds in her system, Lana closed her eyes and let sleep overtake her. She woke a couple of times when Monica came in to check on her, but outside of that, she slept like the dead.
She had no idea what time it was when she woke up to find Ronnie sitting in the chair by her bed.
“
What are you doing here?” Lana said.
“I came to check on you.”
Lana’s heart melted. She was so crazy about Ronnie and was thrilled to see her. Besides which, she longed for some company other than the nurses’. But she had to be strong. She couldn’t accept Ronnie’s pity or anything else she had to offer.
“Thank you,” she said. “But I gave you your walking papers. You’re free to go. Don’t feel obligated to come by the hospital.”
“I don’t feel obligated, Lana. I care and want to see how you’re doing. Please don’t try to push me away. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Is this some way to rid yourself of guilt? You did nothing wrong, you know.”
“I feel horrible about what happened to you. And, yes, I blame myself. But that’s not why I’m here.”
“You sure you’re not doing some form of penance?” Lana said.
“I’m positive. Now, how are you feeling?”
“Like someone threw acid on me. How long have you been here?”
“Not long.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s about six.”
As if on cue, Monica came in with dinner.
“Oh, good,” she said. “I see you have company.”
“Yes.” Lana tried not to let her excitement and relief show. “What’s for dinner?”
“Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas. I want you to eat every bite.”
“But I’m really not that hungry. And look at that mountain of potatoes. I’ll never be able to eat all that.”
“Carbs are important with burn victims. They help you heal. Now, eat up. I’ll be back to get your tray and give you your pain meds in a little while.”
Lana watched her leave and felt the tension between Ronnie and herself. It wasn’t good. She needed Ronnie to understand she didn’t want to see her again. But she missed her so much, it hurt almost as much as the burns.
“Eat up,” Ronnie said. “Do you need some help?”
“No, thanks. I’ve got this.”
She tasted the meatloaf. It wasn’t bad. In fact, it was really good. And the potatoes were creamy and buttery. Before she knew it, she’d cleaned her plate. She sat back and patted her stomach.
“That was good,” she said.
“Good. It was good to see you eat so well.”
